Out of Pod Experience

At the request of several people, I will use this thread to regale the Eve-O forums citizens with pastry-related office shenanigans and HR lady related content.

For some background, ill go ahead and post the other related posts on this so we can all start on the same page.

Enjoy now delicious walls of organic text, meant to be read the way they are written, so you can feel my frustrations, and share in my joys.

I hear there is cake in the break room.

There is never any left when I get there. Stupid HR lady always take like half of it. Like she needs it. Shes one of those eats all day long and never gains a pound women. The main problem is that she knows it too. She constantly brags about it. I always walk by her desk and put salt on her food so that she retains water. Salt does that to women right? anyways, I hope she gets fat. Like TLC show morbidly obese fat. That will knock her down a peg. Really deflate her ego. Her husband wil probably divorce her for it too. That would be best for him anyways. Shes been cheating on him for like 3 years with the boss's son. The son is like 10 years younger than her too. I mean, all her husband has to do is check the kids facebook wall and he would catch his wife cheating on him. I guess hes one of those guys who doesn't have a facebook page, probably at her request. God I hate that women manipulate men like that. I guess that men manipulate women too though, so turnabout is fairplay. Although, the boss's son has the herp. Yep, he went all YOLO at college and caught it from this little blonde chick who he though was clean. Turned out she wasn't. Now were pretty sure the HR lady has it. She got to right? I mean, after 3 years, you totally gotta catch that stuff. I dug through her purse once while she was out to see if she was taking Valtrex, because that would totally confirm if she had it. I didn't find any though. She probably hiding it in her desk. That is always locked. I practiced picking the lock on my desk with 2 paperclips to prepare myself for the day when I mission impossible my ass over there and lockpick that drawer. I know theres something there I could use against her, or at least flame her to the whole office over. That will toally teach her for eating half my birthday cake last year. It was a good cake. It was lemon cake with lemon frosting. awesome. I love that combo. I took only a small piece hoping that I could come back later and get more, but that woman came in and literally plopped half the cake on a plate and went to her cubicle and ate it. I had hoped that she was allergic to lemon. Ugh she wasn't though. That wasa dumb thought...if she was allergic to lemon, she would know it..and not taken any of my cake! Anyways, if you've survived this far, I promise you, its almost over. Or is it? I mean, the counter says I have about 3600 characters left, So I could go on about the HR lady. There really is a lot to tell about her. I don't use facebook, or else id look her up and link her page here so you can picture what she looks like. She one of those pale people. and she has a mole on her neck. its one of those small moles, not one of those hairy potato moles that people get that have to be surgically removed. That would be gross. We would have to name it. I would totally name it larry. Larry the mole.

Today was doughnut day! Theyre not especially good doughnuts, but I guess cheap doughnuts is better than no doughnuts..right? Anyways, the herd stampeded into the breakroom in order to go through doughnut thunderdome. 25 people enter...12 people leave..with doughnuts. Who the **** brings in a dozen doughnuts to an office this size?!!??! Seriously. It wasn't the HR lady. Shes off today. Probably herp related. I still want to find proof of that. Im not willing to find out the easy way..because im married, and frankly I don't want the herp. Yeah, im calling her easy. Its even worse now that the boss's son broke it off with her. She like a cat in heat..walking around, finding excuses to bend over and put her ass in peoples faces. It would be weird if she meowed though. She did dress as a sexy cat for holloween once. I guess in this case sexy would be subjective. That mole aint sexy. I started calling her mole Larry finally, and the nickname has caught on. We all say that "shes out with Larry" when people call he phone and shes out and about. The boss doesn't know the nickname thing, so hes always trying to catch Larry the supply manager with her, and no one wants to tell him who Larry really is, mostly because its funny to see him secret agenting around trying to catch them together. he thought he had her and him once...but it turned out Larry was dropping her off some letterhead and pens. HR lady goes through ALOT of pens. Im not sure if shes stealing them..but I think shes a pen-chewer..and that might explain it. Lupe the cleaning lady throws away chewed pens, so that might explain it too. Lupe might be OCD. I like Lupe. I took Lupe to lunch once, and instantly rumors flew about us having an affair. The rumors got really bad, and they drug us both into HR mediation to resolve a non-issue. I think its funny that the lady who is notorious for fraternizing is in charge of finding out if we were fraternizing..which is oddly a fireable offense. Wait...then why hasn't the HR lady been fired... OOOhhhhh I bet shes now sleeping with the boss! EEEwwwwww! she was sleeping with his son! Gross. Unless hes into that... its gonna take a bottle of mind wipe to get that image out of my head. Anyways, im glad I didn't go for the doughnuts. Doug just walked by holding his nose. Doughnut Thunderdome must have gone bad today. I bet Alice threw an elbow.

+1, +1 and +1 Anyone who has ever worked in an office or experienced break room free food controversies should read this.

I never post on the forums, but in this case I had to. This is a work of literary excellence! I have subscribed and cant wait until tomorrow! There will be another one tomorrow, right?

you get free Mash at work???


Nice thread UAE



I like Snow.

I hate Fridays.

Fridays here are the new Mondays. Seriously. Fridays are traditionally stressful around these parts. high powered deals go through on Friday that are usually started on Monday. You know whats worse? Fridays got so bad, that the boss hired a consultant to find and fix the problems. So this granola eating sandal wearing hippie comes in and determines that we need some kind of relaxation and team building excercises to start the day off on Friday. Now, we start the day off with yoga breathing and a team trust thingy. **** you hippy. just. ****. you. I have decided to counteract this calming effect..because im an ass. My weapon of choice this morning? Funions. The entire office (minus me) hates Funions. In an office this size youd think that statistically someone else would like them..but they don't. So I came in early this morning and placed a funion on every single peg on top of our cubicles. it took 2 full bags and 2 pilfered bags from the vending machines to blanket the entire office in them. I showed up really early in order to do this. crazy early. I didn't want anyone to know I did it. The office now REEKS of Funions. ******* REEKS of ******* FUNIONS. horribly. So after our morning of relaxing yoga and several failed trust falls (I aint catching Rhonda...shes BIG), we emerged into the noxious fog of Funion Chemical warfare. Now everyone is accusing everyone else of doing it. People are finding funions all over the place, a couple have been thrown (maybe by me...maybe not). Mission accomplished. Part two of my plan invoved a simple index card, which I folded in half and wrote "this pie contains lard." on. This folded card was placed in front of the Banana Cream Pie on the break room table when no one was looking. The militant Vegan timebomb has been set. 20 minutes later, Becky (resident militant vegan *****) throws a fit over the insensitivity to her lifestyle. Shes still going off about it! Im in tears from laughing, Steve is on the floor gasping for air, Doug is about dying in his office. Everyone knows the pie was Vegan (because of Becky...that *****.), everyone knows that I put the card there...No one is telling Becky. Im wondering how much longer ill let this go on..... I might grab a spoon and grab some pie, and make a comment about tasting the cruelty. That always goes well. Im starting to wonder If im a bad person, but dammit, this is worth it.

This has potential of being an Epic thread!


Many laughs to had the the expense of unknown others!

+1000

Oh so much of this.

From: *****,**** [****@**********.com]
Sent: Monday, March 24, 2014 8:54 AM
To: Human Resources , **** [****@**********.com]
Subject: Re: HR Complaint - Action Meeting Required

****,
This mail is to inform you as to my rejection of your notion that I was insensitive towards Becky’s lifestyle choices. You did want me to know it was Becky who made the complaint right? I mean, you DID CC her on my complaint mail…so Im guessing you either didn’t realize that the recipient can see the Cc..or you wanted me to know who did it. I don’t want to have a complaint against me for questioning your intelligence, so ill assume you wanted me to know. Moving on, as the event in question, I simply made a written warning that the pie was not Vegan and contained an animal product. If anything, I should be considered a hero in the eyes of Becky!

Now, lets talk about insensitivity towards lifestyles ok? As you may know, about 5 current employees including myself are living the “low-carb” lifestyle. We all find it to be incredibly insensitive that every day only insanely carb-rich breakroom foods are provided! The Banana Cream Pie that was the subject of the above is probably the highest carb pie ever! Did you hear us complaining? Nope. Do WE have to hear Becky complain about us eating Beef Jerky? YES! Could it kill this company to be sensitive to our needs? We have to make sure every single provided break room snack is Vegan, just for Becky, is it too much to ask that this company make the same concessions for us?

I also wanted to head off another complaint that may be incoming. I brought a bag of Teriyaki Flavored Beef Jerky for the Low Carb Crew (yep,were going to call ourselves that. Is that ok? If I need to file forms with HR, let me know, id hate for this thing to not be legit due to paperwork or technicalities.) and I plan to share it. We were planning on talking like we were badly dubbed actors in a Godzilla movie while eating it. Chuck will be joining us, so seeing him with us will probably make it ok with the other Asians in the building. We have done this before if you remember, and everyone joined in. We promise this time to NOT answer the phone using those voices, or throw papers in the air and run screaming down the hallways while pointing to the sky and shouting “GODZIRRA!” for the security cameras. So, pretty much wanted you to be aware in case Becky doesn’t like the fact that we would be eating Beef Jerky while this is going on.

Oh, 10:15am doesn’t work for me. Can we reschedule for like 11:15am? No reason, just want to see if that’s possible. Im sure its possible, but its one of those things I have to see to believe.

**** *****
Supervisor, Section 2