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The Office Diaries: By popular demand

First post
Author
Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
#41 - 2014-03-28 20:33:30 UTC
Awesome, this thread is!!





I like Glomps.

Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!

Tyra Falco
Glasgow Kiss Enterprises
#42 - 2014-03-29 10:41:54 UTC  |  Edited by: Tyra Falco
Thanks for sharing such brilliant stories UAE, this thread brightens my day Lol
Tollen Gallen wrote:
Awesome, this thread is!!





I like Glomps.

*Glomps Tollen*

Samoth Egnoled -'I like your Avatar alot! The facial tattoo's kinda give you that scary clown look, which suits you quite well.' Pepper Swift -'Fuckisn like not workign'

Mizhir
TOP DAMAGE Ltd.
Trigger Happy.
#43 - 2014-03-29 10:53:21 UTC
Tyra Falco wrote:
Thanks for sharing such brilliant stories UAE, this thread brightens my day Lol
Tollen Gallen wrote:
Awesome, this thread is!!





I like Glomps.

*Glomps Tollen*


*Multiglomp*

❤️️💛💚💙💜

Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
#44 - 2014-03-29 11:01:18 UTC
Mizhir wrote:
Tyra Falco wrote:
Thanks for sharing such brilliant stories UAE, this thread brightens my day Lol
Tollen Gallen wrote:
Awesome, this thread is!!





I like Glomps.

*Glomps Tollen*


*Multiglomp*



Big smileBig smile

Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!

Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#45 - 2014-03-31 18:35:14 UTC
The rise and fall of Mr T Muffin.

Today is a sad day for the office. We have lost the best salesman of our section...Mr T. Muffin. Cut down in his prime by the vile gangster Rhonda the Hutt.

4 hours earlier.....

Pretend we did a flashback there. Muffin Monday started like any other....a mad dash for the muffins. The poppy seed ones were all gone..all that was left were chocolate. Immeadiately... section 2 swung into action, crafting a Mohawk. Mr T Muffin was born! After a quick training session, Mr T. Muffin was set to work pittying the foos and searching for golden objects to adourn his necklace.

The phone rang while Mr T Muffin was explaining to someone why he was afraid of flying. A client was on his way up to see me...and this contract was crucial to section 2's numbers! Section 2 and 3 were in competition for this contract..so completing it was important. Without it...we could not have victory dances in section 3's face! Mr T Muffin decided to sit on the sidelines and watch the master at work.

After 2 hours...the deal was closed. Not by my hand..by Mr T Muffin's! The client saw him sitting on the shelf, and had to know what the deal was. Mr T Muffin explained his background, and how he was now an underground mercenary for hire. The client loved him. Thank you Mr T Muffin! After the client left, Mr T Muffin and Section 2 decided on a group victory dance, complete with Tebowing and spiking of a nerf football (which we have for this very reason!). Mr T Muffin told Rhonda the Hutt (best nickname ever) that he pittied her (and section 3 by proxy).

Then it happened... Rhonda the Hutt reached up and ripped the head off of Mr. T Muffin...and ATE IT!!!!!!!! OH THE HUMANITY!!!!!!!!! MAN DOWN!!!!!! MAN DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!! MEDIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stay with me Mr T. Muffin... Stay with me!

Section 2 medics could do little to save the decapitated Mr T Muffin. A head transplant was attempted..but the donor head was incompatable, and Mr T. Muffin passed away on the operating table. We pulled the napkin over his body and said our goodbyes. He was a great salesman. Perhaps, even the best there ever was (minus me of course....).

So today, Section 2 mourns its dead. But we take comfort in the fact that Mr T Muffin had friends in the office..who are now allies. The forces of Rhonda the Hutt will be outmatched...and we will have our revenge.....

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?

Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
#46 - 2014-03-31 19:42:28 UTC
o7 Mr T Muffin.

Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!

Samoth Egnoled
Caldari Provisions
#47 - 2014-04-01 06:43:57 UTC
R.I.P Mr T Muffin.

He's Pittying Foos in heaven now.
Random McNally
Stay Frosty.
A Band Apart.
#48 - 2014-04-01 11:24:52 UTC
Mr. T. Muffin was a service vet, yes?

*Taps and honor guard requested*

Host of High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/

Space music http://minddivided.com

I G Channel HighDragChat

Broadcast4Reps

Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#49 - 2014-04-01 19:33:38 UTC
I am at a loss today. Its April 1st..

Everyone is looking at me today. I mean EVERYONE. They think there is something up. Pastries went unmolested this morning, everyone computers worked correctly, words were not said when clear opening for snarky remarks presented themselves.. Everyone is on edge. This is my day to shine..and they know it.... I pretty much haven't done anything but work this morning..and that's odd for me. Ive barely talked to the rest of section 2....which is very very odd. I can see why people are nervous.

Section 3 searched their cubicles thoroughly this morning for pranks..only to find none.

I find a strange sense of empowerment. Have I terrorized the office to the point where they believe that ive done something..eventhough I haven't?

I woke up this morning with a distinct lack of give-a-****. I should be super excited today. Has Mr T. Muffin's assassination at the hands of Rhonda the Hutt got me down? I just don't know whats wrong with me today. I guess everyone is entitled to an off day now and then...

But still... its kinda creeping me out. Even the boss has come by and nervously looked at me. I walk to the copier..and peoples eyes are following me. I post todays sheets on the board...my every move is watched. I place requests in inboxes...people scoot back. I sit here...typing and eating my lunch... and there is silence. Little to no work has been done by the other sections. The bosss hasn't even done anything. Its like the entire office floor is waiting for the shoe to drop.

Perhaps this may be the best Aprils fools day prank ever... me not doing anything..at all....for once.

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?

Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#50 - 2014-04-02 16:41:28 UTC  |  Edited by: Unsuccessful At Everything
From: *******,***** [*****@**********.com] <----- Bossman
Sent: Wednesday, April 2, 2014 9:05 AM
To: *****,**** [****@**********.com]
Subject: FW: Policy Violation, Section 2

FYI. Please tell me this is a joke.

***** *******
Manager, Floor 4



From: ******,** [**@**********.com] <----- IT Guy
Sent: Wednesday, April 2, 2014 8:51 AM
To: *******,***** [*****@**********.com] <----- Bossman
Subject: Policy Violation, Section 2

Yesterday we investigated a large amount of network traffic through company servers. It appears that Section 2 downloaded approx. 950mb of files. Further investigation revealed that the files had to do with a game called Goat Simulator. It appears that Section 2 has downloaded an online gaming client known as Steam, and has been playing games on company hardware during business hours. This constitutes a violation of policy on behalf of Section 2. Logs are showing that this Goat Simulator was played for more than 5 hours yesterday.

I've decided to bypass official channels because Section 2 is directly under your supervision, and the person mainly involved is **** *****, Section 2 Supervisor. Please have a talk with him, and ask that he removes the Goat Simulator from his machine. Please do not mention my name when you talk to him. He has used the word Wrath a lot in past conversations, and I would like to avoid his wrath if at all possible.

** ******
IT Manager



Ive yet to decide how I will respond to Mr IT network ****.... rest assured that I will use the word WRATH a lot. BTW...Goat Simulator is fun, and a great way to pass the time when bored at work.

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?

Bagrat Skalski
Koinuun Kotei
#51 - 2014-04-02 16:55:24 UTC  |  Edited by: Bagrat Skalski
I have been playing CoH and Oblivion and Morrowind and many online games in my work, in free time. Pirate

Then some new IT guy completely freaked out and decided he will be a SS- Sturmbannführer Must Knowitall. Gaming was over.

I know how you feel now.
Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
#52 - 2014-04-02 17:50:27 UTC
Wrath!



may contain naughty words


UAE vs IT Guy






I like Milk.

Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!

Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#53 - 2014-04-02 18:32:56 UTC
From: *****,**** [****@**********.com]
Sent: Wednesday, April 2, 2014 10:21 AM
To: ******,** [**@**********.com] <----- IT Guy
Subject: Re: Policy Violation, Section 2

The dictionary defines wrath as vengeance or punishment as the consequence of anger, or strong, stern, or fierce anger; deeply resentful indignation; ire. I like to think of wrath more like revenge, only instead of being served cold, wrath would be microwaved for about 45 seconds so that its not cold, but not yet room temperature..and possibly with one or two burning hot edges. There are so many examples of wrath, many famous like The Wrath of Khan, or The Grapes of Wrath, and some slightly less famous, like the supervillain Wrath from Batman. Id sometimes like you to regard me as the later, although marooning you on Ceti Alpha 5 seems to be an appropriate response to the loss of Goat Simulator..so maybe you can call me KHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAANNN!!!!! I want you to think of my wrath as a wool sweater..with no undershirt. I want my wrath to make you itch all over if you get a little sweaty.. That sounded dirty. Dirty like my wrath will be. Perhaps I will invent a weather machine and recreate the dust bowl…and when you and your family move to Californy, you can feel my wrath there…. You know me..that one is entirely possible. I wont tell you anything specific about my wrath…besides the specific examples Ive already provided. I want your imagination to run wild with my wrath. Think of all the horrible, yet well within the bounds of company rules things that I can do to you… THINK ABOUT IT!!!! Maybe im standing behind you right now…watching you while you read this..waiting to wrath you. Did that make you look? Im sure it did. I doubt I would have time to run down to your floor and silently creep into your office while you read this..just so that I could do that. But you believe that I could..don’t you? DON’T YOU!?!??!?! Anyways, to reiterate, wrath, microwaved, feel it, dust bowl, KHAAAAN!, batman villain, itchy sweater, standing behind you, meow, wrath. Did I mention wrath in there? If not, wrath.

**** *****
Section 2 Supervisor

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?

Freshly Rolled Goodness
Doomheim
#54 - 2014-04-02 19:19:06 UTC
What did I just read?
Samoth Egnoled
Caldari Provisions
#55 - 2014-04-03 06:11:26 UTC
You just read awesomeness concentrated into bitesized post form.

Reminds me of a more outlandish and funnier Dilbert.
Khergit Deserters
Crom's Angels
#56 - 2014-04-03 15:22:08 UTC
Late comment to the April Fool's Day entry: You kind of AFK cloaked them there, UAE. Smile
Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
#57 - 2014-04-03 17:05:38 UTC
Posting in a now "nerf high sec thread".





I like Missiles.

Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!

Tinker derFleissige
Sabotage Incorporated
Executive Outcomes
#58 - 2014-04-05 09:41:48 UTC
Sounds like a good opportunity to do the business card thing and entitle him Goat or something.
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#59 - 2014-04-05 20:24:51 UTC
I will start by apologizing for missing the pie-day update. Its not all fun and games...and wrath. Sometimes..its actual work. I know..sucks to be me. Im up for a promotion over the large account deal I closed on Monday, and there is paperwork to be done. But dont think I let the IT guy off the hook... you see...today was my Saturday to come in for a half day. Half day Saturdays are the most relaxing thing ever.
Its a skeleton crew in here...which means two things. One, I could attempt to break into the HR ladies drawers (remove mind from gutter...could not pay me to go there) and find for certain if the herp exists...maybe. It all depends on whether or not shes the kind of person who would keep Valtrex in her desk... im sure she is... we must know... so much money is riding on this. Yes...there is a betting pool on HR lady herpes... its up to 240 some odd dollars dollars... I am determined to win this... I have practiced on my desk lock with paperclips in preparation... But it feels wrong to do it without the rest of my Impossible Mission team (that would be the other guys in section 2.. they dont do much except make bird sounds when someones coming, and they do an AWESOME a capella version of the Mission Impossible theme..which is crucial to any secret mission). I think we will wait until her next day off, this is not a solo operation...
Second... it gave me time to **** with the IT manager. So far, I have changed his desktop to a picture of a goat, and all his windows sounds have been changed to goat bleating... im in the process of finding other goat related material on the internet. Ive set up my computer so that I can print to both his wireless printer and the IT office's network printer...and I have a large variety of goat pictures set to be printed out as well as several long articles on goats and goat husbandry ready. Some are over 50 pages long.. I will need a muffin sidekick on Monday to help me press the button..because I think ill be laughing too much. We can use the muffin as a scapegoat (pun intended) if it gets out of hand (which it will). I may stop at Kinkos on my way home and see if they can print me out a large goat poster today...
Im off to buy Lupe lunch today. She had to come in and clean while I was working. She has personally approved all goat related materials, now were off to a little Mexican restaurant that serves as she puts it "the best cabrito al pastor she has ever tasted". I didn't think it would be possible to squeeze any more goaty goodness into today..but apparently im about to be wrong.

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?

Samoth Egnoled
Caldari Provisions
#60 - 2014-04-07 06:07:37 UTC
Great read, I hope you know i came onto the forums on Friday expecting an update... I was dissapointed. However the epiphony of Goat Simulator more than makes up for lack of funnies for me to read at work.