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The Office Diaries: By popular demand

First post
Sunlight...Through The Blight.
#161 - 2014-06-26 21:55:45 UTC

I love your stories of office terrorism.

I just wanted you to know.

Big smileCoolBlink

Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the comedian is the only thing that makes sense.

Kor Kilden
Thukker Tribe Holdings Inc.
#162 - 2014-07-04 03:47:02 UTC
UAE, you are a twisted, terrible person for whom humanity is worse off claiming as one of it's own.

I want lessons (and lessons for other people that don't know they're being taught).
Solecist Project
#163 - 2014-07-05 08:45:27 UTC
Finally got to read through this ...

That ringing in your ears you're experiencing right now is the last gasping breathe of a dying inner ear as it got thoroughly PULVERISED by the point roaring over your head at supersonic speeds. - Tippia

ISD Ezwal
ISD Community Communications Liaisons
ISD Alliance
#164 - 2014-07-05 13:17:17 UTC
Please be advise that spamming the forum to get your name to show as last poster on every thread in the first index page, might have consequences.
Please refrain from doing so in the future as this can be quite detrimental to the state and well being of the forum, especially if more people start doing it as some form of competition.

ISD Ezwal Community Communication Liaisons (CCLs)

Ralph King-Griffin
New Eden Tech Support
#165 - 2014-07-05 13:56:33 UTC
ISD Ezwal wrote:
especially if more people start doing it as some form of competition.

confirming i was considering this, then i thought "i should go outside"Cool
Nemessiah Losshelin
Amarr Empire
#166 - 2014-07-10 08:56:07 UTC
Confirming this is one of the greatest things ever. Please don't leave us without the office diaries for much longer UAE.

A lazors, lazors, lazors, lazors, lazors everywhere.

Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#167 - 2014-07-11 17:18:57 UTC
Fantastic stuff this week.

The air conditioning went out on our floor. That in itself is not fantastic.. actually.. quite the opposite. Sitting in what I can only describe as ball soup thanks to the companies newly adopted dress code of black 'dockers' style pants and long sleeve white shirts all week was just not fantastic. So what was? The fact that every one of us here in Section 2 forgot about OHL's reset of the Kevin sugar fan trap. The AC goes out... the office gets warmer and warmer.. then suddenly.. coffee creamer fog explosion! No one knew what was happening... it looked like an epic volcano eruption. By the time we all looked over.. Kevin looked like a marble statue.. at least his face did. The entire corner of the floor where he is stationed was in a thick haze. The floor goes absolutely silent. I mean dead quiet. You could literally hear the everdying case fan of my computer because it was so quiet. In unison... the entire floor slowly turns and looks at me.

It was the creepiest thing ive ever seen. Ever. im talking children of the corn **** here.

Im literally speechless at this point. I don't know what to do here.. do I laugh maniacally.. or act surprised? I mean.. this wasn't me.. not at all, but I know who did it.. I approved 100%.. and Kevin deserved it. So being me, I do what comes naturally.. with the entire office looking at me, I shrug my shoulders and go "would you look at that.. the building next door is being painted.. huh.. about time." and go back to typing on the computer. Section 2 lost it.. they were rolling on floor and laughing into their folded arms on the desks. Steve across the room started the loud donkey laugh hes known for. Half the office started laughing.. the other half became enraged. Im glad I can be such a polarizing force.

Kevin went home to change his clothes. Which was for the best. his personal hygiene leaves much to be desired.. and the warm days have taken its toll on that corner of the floor. You know.. that coffee creamer fog kinda helped the smell over there.

So the bossman was tasked with the investigation of the incident. He knows it had to be me who did it.. but there is literally nothing tying me to this. I haven't been over there for.. what.. about 2 weeks? Something like that. I avoid Kevin whenever possible. Bossman questioned just about everyone trying to see who was over there in the last few days.. Im sorry to report that he has found no suspects.. although I remain a person of interest. He even asked me directly.. and I was able to say truthfully "it wasn't me.". He knew id admit it if I had done that. I don't rat out my section either.. so yeah.

Now I felt bad for only one reason.. Lupe would have to clean this up. I put an envelope with some extra money and a giftcard for some lunch under my keyboard and text her to look there. She wasn't mad, she laughed. She wished we had gotten a picture of Kevin all powdered up.

So that was the highlight of the week. Good stuff there. The AC is still broken.. and we still have to wear these dockers.. Ive resorted to bring a change of skivvies to swap out around lunch time. They promise us that the AC will be fixed by the end of the week.. but here it is Friday.. and its still not fixed. Thank god I can go up to the roof during breaks and get some much needed air.... although the smokers go up there.. so I wouldn't call it fresh air exactly.. but is what it is right?

I came in late Monday and missed the muffin rush. I scolded OHL for not getting one for me. She knew how important it was for office morale. If it happens again.. well.. stuff. I cant stay mad at her. She brought me pie today. Peach pie with pralines. I only hope it tastes as good as it looks.

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?

Debora Tsung
Caldari State
#168 - 2014-07-11 17:45:29 UTC
lol, I wish I could've seen that. Lol

Stupidity should be a bannable offense.

Fighting back is more fun than not.

Sticky: AFK Cloaking Thread It's not pretty, but it's there.

Jonah Gravenstein
Machiavellian Space Bastards
#169 - 2014-07-11 18:07:30 UTC
We need pictures of OHL, and her food gifts.... FOR SCIENCE!

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.

New Player FAQ

Feyd's Survival Pack

Erin Crawford
#170 - 2014-07-11 19:31:11 UTC
this should be turned into a tv series!

"Those who talk don’t know. Those who know don’t talk. "

Skalle Pande
Teknisk Forlag
#171 - 2014-07-14 01:15:28 UTC
My God, this is funny. My youngest was a bit worried about dad repeatedly breaking down with hysterical laughter throughout all of sunday afternoon.

UAE, your name is badly chosen. You certainly are a very accomplished writer Lol
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#172 - 2014-07-14 21:04:56 UTC
Today I look back on my career with fond memories. Its another anniversary of my hiring. I dare not count how long its been, for I don't want to think about it. It feels like forever. but a semi-decent forever.

Ive learned so much from this place over the years:

The Macarena is gone and over. You cannot bring it back no matter how good you are at it.

Hammer pants are not approved office wear, and yelling STOP, HAMMERTIME! at random times is apparently inappropriate.

Just because you have the moves like Jagger, does not mean you have the right to use them.

Vuvuzelas are not to be blown at any time in an office environment because meetings.

I am not a mariachi band member.

Star Wars references are lost on executives, and they don't find their lack of anything to be disturbing.

Using an Adam West era Batman costume to recreate a scene from Christian Bale era Batman movies is wrong because spandex and menacing don't mix.

One should not use a pencil as a mail opener because force + really stick envelope = broken pencil projectile sticking in wall next to Rhonda the Hutt.

Talking to yourself is acceptable if you have an earbud in, so is making random comments about coworkers.

Executives will hire 7 people to do a job that 1 person can do, yet will still assign 7 people worth of work to 1 person.

It is insanely easy to get an HR complaint.

Security cameras tend to record things. This can be both a good thing, and a bad thing.

Sigh. There are just so many more lessons I have learned through the years. I shudder to think just how many more I will need to learn the hard way.

So today I celebrate with Sterling Archer Muffin. His sarcastic and witty one liners bring much happiness to the office. Hes like James Bond muffin... with all of the vices, but none of the virtues. I only wish I had something I could make a tactileneck sweater with, although shirtless he looks a lot like Burt Reynolds in Gator. I just hope none of his womanizing comments get me in the DAAANGER ZOOOONE with HR... although that would be a fitting anniversary gift to myself.

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?

Debora Tsung
Caldari State
#173 - 2014-07-15 06:53:54 UTC  |  Edited by: Debora Tsung
Fun thing with earbuds, it used to be that if you saw somebody talking to himself, you'd want to stay away because that guy is clearly crazy. Nowadays we want to get closer to get a look at his headset, because it's so awesome and hightech, you can't even see it.

Stupidity should be a bannable offense.

Fighting back is more fun than not.

Sticky: AFK Cloaking Thread It's not pretty, but it's there.

Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#174 - 2014-07-24 18:07:33 UTC
Time to come clean. For the past couple weeks, I have been tied up with legal over a supposed breach of my NDA with the company. Someone from Section 2 (he says while glaring at that someone...) decided to share the link to The Office Diaries with someone else (he says loathingly). That someone else (now off the Christmas list) shared it with an unnamed person (ill find you..), who I apparently irritated (gasp of surprise).

The result: Legal dept was informed that I had breached my NDA. I was told to cease The Office Diaries while it was investigated. Links were shared, meetings were had. Fun times all around.

From: *****,**** [****@**********.com]
Sent: Friday, July 18, 2014 10:13 AM
To: Legal Department, Lead [*****@**********.com]
Subject: Re: Possible breach of NDA

I haven’t heard anything from legal on my supposed breach of my NDA in regards to my thread on the Eve Online Forums. Any word?

**** *****
Supervisor, Section 2

From: ********,***** [*****@**********.com]
Sent: Wednesday, July 23, 2014 3:13 PM
To: *****,**** [****@**********.com]
Subject: Re: Re: Possible breach of NDA

I apologize that we have not gotten back to you. The entirety of the blog you have written has been reviewed. At this time we cannot find any breach of the NDA you signed. You have redacted all necessary materials, and changed all names as necessary. We can find no references to our company name or location, or disclosure of any project materials or documentation. The sharing of emails is a borderline issue, but we are allowing it due to the high level of redaction. As long as you keep up this level of security, you are cleared to continue. Please be advised that we will monitor your blog for future violations.

On a personal note, you may want to edit out some unfavorable mentions of the executives and management. They have been made aware of your blog due to the review by the legal department, and may not look kindly on things you have said. That being said, you have gotten many laughs from us here in legal, and this explains so much about the rumors we have heard. Keep up the good work and muffin on!

***** ********
Legal Department Lead

From: *****,**** [****@**********.com]
Sent: Thurday, July 24, 2014 9:27 AM
To: Legal Department, Lead [*****@**********.com]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Possible breach of NDA

Fantastic. I told you guys there was literally nothing on there that could breach the NDA. I guess this is what happens when we have an over-zealous person trying to get me fired due to muffin envy. Now that you’ve read the thread, I doubt you will disclose to me who it was who brought this up… for reasons.

On the changing or editing the thread because of management, I regret nothing. They know how I feel, its nothing I haven’t said out loud to them at least ten or eleven times.

Feel free to keep reading, and let me know if anything on the Eve online forums peaks your interest, or if you want to play. Im sure I can kick you a buddy invite! Eve needs more space lawyers.

**** *****
Supervisor, Section 2

So, after a couple weeks in purgatory, TOD has been cleared to continue, and on a lesser note I wont lose my job. Legalman (nickname in the works.. I may go with Darth Legal or Legalas as hes a LOTR fan) may have accidentally coined a new meme: "Keep Calm and Muffin on!". Ill need to work on the picture. Crowns look like muffin silhouettes , so this should be a slam dunk. After this, I think the company owes me just a little bit, so ill have the graphics guys print me up a poster for the wall.

Now that I know you are reading this.. You have seen what ive done to the IT guy.. You've seen what happens when you steal my chair.. You know what I am capable of.. I will find you. Rest assured that when I do, you will feel my wrath*.

*wrath will fall within the bounds of company rules and will not be punishable by any means. All wrath will be cleared by legal to make sure it conforms to all city, state and federal laws. All subsequent damages to company property will be reimbursed as usual.

So it kinda figures that absolutely no Doughnut drama happened during Thunderdome today. I swear.. sometimes its like fate doesn't want me to be happy... not that im admitting that Doughnut Thunderdome makes me happy.. Ok it kinda does. It probably has to do with this new office weight loss thing that management is trying to push. We do a weekly weigh in on Friday and the groups who loses the most by August 15th gets some kind of prize. Please let it be an ironic prize.. like a gift card to a restaurant. Here.. congrats on losing 10 pounds! Hers a ticket to an all you can eat buffet! Woo! Good thing that I don't eat the breakroom food.. I only play with it.

Keep Calm And Muffin On! (yep.. this is happening.)

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?

Jamwara DelCalicoe Ashley
New Eden Tech Support
#175 - 2014-07-25 00:06:24 UTC
reports of me donating 1,568cal Morning Buns to our portly employees have gone public ... heh ... vOv

Marcus Gord
Caldari Provisions
Caldari State
#176 - 2014-07-25 10:13:29 UTC
UAE, i suggest putting the new line into your sig? 'Keep Calm and Muffin On'

also, hi2u UAE's colleagues, from the UK o/

In a few moments you will have an experience that will seem completely real. It will be the result of your subconscious fears transformed to your conscious awareness.

Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#177 - 2014-07-28 20:34:21 UTC
Muffin Down!!!! Mediiiiic!!! Stay with me!!!! Nooooooooo!!!!!!! Don't you die dammit!!!!

[sad music]

"Ive seen things you people wouldn't believe.. ive seen people damn near set on fire during Doughnut Thunderdome, ive seen artificial sugar glittering off Kevin's trousers and face.. all those.. moments.. lost.. because you made a muffin out of cake. Time die."

No.. no.... don't go you melodramatic SOB!

In retrospect, this was all my fault. I knew he couldn't handle this. He wasn't a muffin..he was a frostingless cupcake.. DAMN YOU!!!! Also partially my fault that he mouthed off within arms reach of Rhonda the Hutt. Ive lost good men in the past that way.. WHY DIDNT I REMEMBER?!??!?!! Why do we not have signs warning people about her? Or at least a line on the floor.. SOMETHING!!!!!


He had a good run. Were pretty sure Jenny is a replicant. Her responses and timing this morning were a bit odd. I just don't think it was a good trade off for that information. Mr Muffin wasn't a Bothan. Everyone knows that if you need info, you just massacre some Bothans and boom! info! You just don't do that with sentient muffins.

Sorry for mixing Blade Runner and Star wars references.. but they both have Harrison Ford.. so im sure its Ok to do that.

Seriously though.. on that sign thing.. that really needs to happen. Rhonda the Hutt has an incredible reach.. and with those nail extensions its like dealing with a long armed Tyranosaur. Just reaching over and ripping off half a muffins head.. who does that? Its going to take some trial and error to work out her reach perimeter. Il need to mark it on the floor somehow too. But the wildcard is the chair... it can roll.. so her reach can vary wildly. What if she uses some kind of reach improving implement? Ok, the thought of that is simply terrifying. Can no Character Snack be safe from her? I know what youre thinking, but I am just unwilling to not bring a muffin in her vicinity.. not on Mondays. Not when the muffins have so much sass to give.

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?

Random McNally
Stay Frosty.
A Band Apart.
#178 - 2014-07-29 11:31:15 UTC
You come across a tortoise lying on it's back...

Host of High Drag Podcast.

Space music

I G Channel HighDragChat


Valkin Mordirc
#179 - 2014-08-03 11:41:11 UTC
Best Thread ever,

Of all time.
Ralph King-Griffin
New Eden Tech Support
#180 - 2014-08-03 11:54:00 UTC  |  Edited by: Ralph King-Griffin
Bull ****, don't get risk averse on us now.

Buy 50 T1 muffins frosting less cupcakes and take them within her reach...