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The Office Diaries: By popular demand

First post
Author
Ralph King-Griffin
Lords.Of.Midnight
The Devil's Warrior Alliance
#241 - 2014-12-23 21:05:49 UTC
Unsuccessful At Everything wrote:

Scotty and I did get hilariously.. plastered.. and partook of the Karaoke. Never before has such a tonedeaf version of Ebony and Ivory been done. It then digressed into office chair jousting using pieced together lances from wrapping paper tubes. All of this.. in front of my new underlings who stared in disbelief and horror. Scotty won Office Chair Jousting because I fell off the horse due to a bad push/spin by the wife and Lindy. I needed 2 people because I wanted my horse to be speed tanked. I had the speed.. and was definitely tanked.. but failed to compensate for the office constantly turning left for some reason. Probably had nothing to do with the booze and all to do with why Lindy was on the ground red faced and laughing. My back still hurts from the spectacular cartwheel I did when I dismounted the horse gracefully as a gymnast.

good jousting.

Save the lance!

Made me smile.
Villtora Aldurald
Aldurald Holdings
#242 - 2015-02-06 16:08:35 UTC
I just cant say howmuch i like to read these...
They always make my day at work... When i'm bored and can't play with my minions (co-workers)
They don't play but ever since i got to reading these, they all read them to.
And yeah, i stole some of your revenge tactics Roll
Man that where some fun days Big smile

Anyways, keep up the posts man, this thread makes a bad day feel a lot lighter Blink
Random McNally
Stay Frosty.
A Band Apart.
#243 - 2015-02-06 17:05:06 UTC
:shudder: Minneapolis. I live close to Minneapolis.

It's horrible.

I call it the "Evil City". Every time I have to cross the river into the "Evil City" I throw up just a little bit. In my mouth.

I'm glad you stayed wherever you are. I would have lost all respect for you, had you gone to Minneapolis.

Now, if you'd gone to St. Paul, I'd have partied with you. Shown you the sights and the best places to eat.

So.....

Welcome back, BOSS UAE.

Host of High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/

Space music http://minddivided.com

I G Channel HighDragChat

Broadcast4Reps

Iain Cariaba
#244 - 2015-02-06 17:29:25 UTC
Random McNally wrote:
:shudder: Minneapolis. I live close to Minneapolis.

It's horrible.

I call it the "Evil City". Every time I have to cross the river into the "Evil City" I throw up just a little bit. In my mouth.

I'm glad you stayed wherever you are. I would have lost all respect for you, had you gone to Minneapolis.

Now, if you'd gone to St. Paul, I'd have partied with you. Shown you the sights and the best places to eat.

So.....

Welcome back, BOSS UAE.

I felt the same way about Council Bluffs, IA, back when I lived in Omaha. Used to make me physically shudder having to drive across the bridge.
LordSwift
Wrabble Wrousers
#245 - 2015-03-27 13:29:51 UTC
I have read this entire thread at work today. Boss is out and their is like nothing to do today. Loved every page. Keep up the good work if this gets added to. Should just create a blog

Mal: "If anyone gets nosy, just...you know... shoot 'em. "

Zoe: "Shoot 'em?"

Mal: "Politely."

Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#246 - 2015-04-23 21:09:08 UTC
So, I guess about two months ago we went to a flea market. Not my idea, but it was one of those things you kinda get drug along to because reasons. Im two hours deep into this thing, bored out of my mind, nothing here I want, when I see it.. its a stand that sells the thing. They sell the most realistic fake fruit ive ever seen.. and its cheap. Like 20 bucks for a whole bag of them.. I get that look like 'oh god no.. you aren't planning to..' YES IM ******* PLANNING TO. Its like she doesn't even know me. 20 bucks is worth it dammit. DONT DENY ME MY HAPPINESS.

The hard part about this was the fact that the fake fruit did have the correct weight to it, and felt reasonably real, but it also consisted of fake Red Delicious apples and green/red Gala apples, both kinds im not a fan of usually. Im a Granny Smith apple fan, So in order to sell it, I had to change over to one of the sweeter varieties for a while. Still good, but not Granny Smith or muffin good. After some experimentation, I found that placing the fakes in a refrigerator overnight along with the real apples would yield a nearly identical handfeel, and by mixing the reals and fakes together in the same container in the fridge, the fakes took on the smells of the real ones. Science *****!

TO THE OFFICE!! (Nananaaaaaaa.... or however you spell the old Batman cutscene music.. god I need a spinning muffin batman-esque gif for these situations.. and to link in local.. and to use in pretty much any situation in real life.. the applications could literally be endless.. like the most epic loading animation of all time.. oh I want that.. I need to learn to gif.)

Over a weekend, I installed a neat little fridge we had in storage in the cabinet beside my desk, and brought a nice wicker basket bowl thingy to put the fruit in. On a Monday, I brought in the 'fruit' and placed it in the bowlsket on my desk. Now, I wait. Que the finger pyramid of evil contemplation paired with what im sure was the most evil devious smile ever. Now, the first kink in my plan surfaces.. how do I get the flies into my web?

I start by calling people into my office for normal stuff they usually just shoot me an email for. Everyone looks at the bowlsket.. but no one takes anything. This goes on for a few days. I already forgot the first rule of a good sca..err plan, it needs to be proactive! That crazy deal on 2xPLEX wouldn't sell itself would it? NO! You need to post in local about it! Same goes for that fail market order you could totally turn around and flip for insane cash! If no one tells you about it, theres no way you would see it! So, when I call people in.. I ask them "would you care for an apple?" Most would politely decline, but there were a few who would go for it. Begin the round of Apple Roulette.

The first contestant was Danny. He reaches into the bowlsket of fun and brings out his prize. He shines it up on his pant leg, and goes in for a nice big bite. The look on his face was absolutely priceless as he realizes that is wasn't juicy apple in his mouth. He stops for a moment to contemplate his reaction. He obviously doesn't want to spit it out and look ungrateful to his boss, but he also doesn't want that crap in his mouth. At this point, I lose it, im laughing my ass off. I regain my composure, and like a stoic Grail Knight I hand him a napkin to spit into to, and inform him that he has chosen poorly. Danny has a good sense of humor, and after I explain it to him, he decides hes not going to tell anyone about the trap. Good guy Danny. He just wants to see peoples reactions.

The second contestant, John, makes a wise choice, and gets a crisp apple as a reward. Good for him! I don't reveal anything to him, as I want this to keep going.

Cathy was the third contestant of Apple Roulette. Cathy also chose poorly. poor Cathy. She laughs it off, but still tells her sectionmates about the trap. DAMN YOU CATHY, THIS IS WHY I CANT HAVE NICE THINGS. From then on, the tarp has been compromised. I will need to sell this for all its worth to keep it up. Thanks for the increased effortload Cathy.. but any good thing requires effort, so I push on!

The next few people are seemingly wise to my plan, but never underestimate me, for the power of 'Monkey See, Monkey Do' will prevail in almost any situation. Eat the red berries UaE!

Enter Jeremy. Jeremy initially declines, so I reach in and grab one (that I have inconspicuously marked as real, but my grab looks random.. gotta sell it!) and take a bite. I also recline in my chair ever so slightly while im talking to him about his latest report. The office fills with the smell of a freshly bit into apple.. and soon, I can see Jeremy's eyes wandering towards the bowlsket. UaE is eating it, it must be safe. Politely, Jeremy asks 'may I?' while motioning to the goody basket. I nod, and he takes one. He feels it.. and sniffs it. He is obviously cautious, but I had planned for this in the beginning. Yeah! Science *****! Having confirmed the authenticity of the apple with touch and smell, he proceeds to take a nice large bite.. of a fake one. The pain in his eyes as he realizes he has fallen for it! So priceless! I nearly choke on my apple with laughter, he does epic apple spit take. Im literally in tears, red faced, breathless from laughing, and all he can do is spit that crap into a napkin and shake his head. He knew better ,and he knew that he knew better. Monkey See, Monkey Do 1, Jeremy 0.

Ive gotten a few others since then, buts usually small bites, followed with shaking of the head. My plan is to stop only once I myself have been fooled into biting a fake apple, and the person who is able to make me do it, will become my apprentice, and together we will rule the office floor as father and son.

Unless its a girl.. in which case, daughter.

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?

Iain Cariaba
#247 - 2015-04-23 21:35:20 UTC
I laughed so hard I teared up.

I've missed these stories, UAE.
Falken Falcon
#248 - 2015-04-24 08:38:46 UTC
This is the single greatest thing in the forums and possibly even anywhere and everywhere else. Just wanted you to know that.

And if i ever quit eve, UAE, you can have all my stuff

Aye, Sea Turtles

Random McNally
Stay Frosty.
A Band Apart.
#249 - 2015-04-24 11:19:21 UTC
You sir, are my hero.

*takes the knee*

Host of High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/

Space music http://minddivided.com

I G Channel HighDragChat

Broadcast4Reps