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The Office Diaries: By popular demand

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Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
#81 - 2014-04-13 11:40:40 UTC
No shame in plugging this thread.....




I like Cheese.

Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#82 - 2014-04-15 15:42:06 UTC
Well, Im not sure if Randy the Pornstar is going to work out. Yes, I gave Boy Nooblet a name. Randy the Pornstar. its the moustache. Seriously straight out of a 70's adult film solo 'stache. That and he may had uttered a few lines like "ive got a special delivery for you" while taking things to other co-workers. Is it his work ethic? Nope. Is it that he gets a little irritated when I call him Randy the Pornstar instead of Randall? Nope. Is it the fact that he realizes why I call Girl Nooblet "Number 1"? Nope. "Then why?" I hear you ask. Randy the Pornstar nibbled on Mr Muffin. HE ******* NIBBLED ON MR ******* MUFFIN. MR MUFFIN IS NOT A SNACK RANDY THE PORNSTAR! MR MUFFIN IS YOUR DIRECT SUPERVISOR ON MONDAYS! YOU CANNOT EAT YOUR SUPERVISOR! Can you imagine you people were allowed to eat their supervisors??!?!?!? Anarchy! Randy the Pornstar has violated one of the most sacred unwritten rules of Section 2..and must be punished. Right now he is wearing a post-it note with the words I ATE MY SUPERVISOR on it..which is drawing some very interesting looks. Mostly because not everyone who interacts with Randy the Pornstar knows about Mr Muffin, and they assume that the supervisor in the message is me. The best part is listening to Randy the Pornstar explain to some of these people that a muffin was in charge. He dares not remove that post-it..under penalty of wrath.. I had Randy the Pornstar talk to IT guy about wrath, so he is well educated on consequences. Number 1 doesn't have any of these issues Randy the Pornstar.. get your **** together..AND STOP EATING YOUR SUPERVISOR! It was probably because Randy the Pornstar didn't like Mr Muffin's choice of songs which included a fantastic rendition of "My Milkshake" and didn't like his Pulp Fiction scene re-enactments. Mr Muffin WILL strike down upon you with furious vengeance Randy the Pornstar... so keep that in mind. So far, Randy the Pornstar hasn't nibbled on anyone today.. possibly because none of us are lemon poppyseed flavored, but I like to think that the Post-it note is working.

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?
Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
#83 - 2014-04-15 18:51:57 UTC




@Randythepornstar. YOU DONT TOUCH MR MUFFIN, YOU DONT LOOK AT MR MUFFIN, YOU DO NOT EXIST UNTILL MR MUFFIN WILLS IT!!!





P.S: KEEP YOUR ******* FACEHOLE AWAY FROM MR MUFFIN!




LOL@Postit note

Pandytheroidstar has displeased me.

Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
Noxisia Arkana
Deadspace Knights
#84 - 2014-04-16 17:18:33 UTC
Do what any repectable parent would do when faced with an issue. Make him eat a whole tray of muffins (like smoking a whole pack of cigarrettes). Bring him a gallon of milk to go with it.

He'll never want to touch a muffin again.
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#85 - 2014-04-18 04:07:21 UTC
Rhonda the Hutt has taken a shine to Number 1.

Its because the other women in Section 3 are catty. They don't like Rhonda the Hutt much. I don't blame them, shes not the charismatic powerhouse of authority that I am. Most people like me, until they don't. Its probably why ive lasted here for so long despite my antics. Anyways, Rhonda the Hutt is always trying to talk to Number 1 about random things. Trying to get to know her and engage her on a personal level. Im not sure how I feel about that. On one hand I despise Rhonda the Hutt, on the other, I REALLY want a plant in her midst...to feed her misinformation.. and assist with wrathful things. Is wrathful a word? Its gotta be.. the spell check isn't underlining it. Man I hate spell check. Where was I.. oh yeah.. Number 1 has started to be less shy around the rest of us, and I do believe there might be that hint of sarcastic humor I appreciate so much within her. Randy the Pornstar is a lost cause.. I may trade Randy the Pornstar for Jenny from Section 3. Jenny is one of Rhonda the Hutt's henchmen, but she appreciates the finer things in life like talking muffins and being a spectator during Doughnut Thunderdome. Jenny would be a great trade. Ill have to look into that. Maybe ill tease Rhonda the Hutt by saying im willing to trade her for one of my nooblets..and then disappoint her when its Randy the Pornstar and not Number 1. Rhonda the Hutt doesn't like Randy the Pornstar much. She says its because Randy the Pornstar looks like her ex-husband. I don't see the resemblance.. he doesn't look much like a spiral sliced ham. Speaking of ham, my wife came in and brought me lunch yesterday, and got to meet the nooblets. She got all girl-talky with Number 1.. which im sure will bode well for me. She also doesn't like Randy the Pornstar.. maybe its a girl thing. No..cant be a girl thing... HR lady likes Randy the Pornstar.. but then again, she likes most men.. except me. She hates me. Not sure why, im so likable! My wife HATES the HR lady..HATES her. Something to do with a office Christmas party and some thing the HR lady said when she was drunk. Of course, we were ALL drunk during that party... and several people in the office have a picture of me shirtless wearing a tie to prove it. I hate that picture. They didn't take it from my good side.

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?
Graygor
Federal Navy Academy
Gallente Federation
#86 - 2014-04-18 04:50:01 UTC
Bind these up and make a book.

Seriously, do it.

You have a talent.

"I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." - Kenneth O'Hara

"I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commissar "Cake" Kate
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#87 - 2014-04-18 20:38:01 UTC
Ok.. somebody listened. There was top crusted apple pie in the break room.... unmolested. It called to me.. taunting me with its delicious aroma... eat me... eat me it said. I grabbed the pie spatula thingy.. and slowly cut out my piece. Oooooooh...sooooo good to be the first one in... such a tantric moment. Then... the tasting... those sweet apples... that cinnamon.. that tender flaky crust.... im going to need a moment... Then Randy the Pornstar went a ruined it by asking the same question hes asked 9000000 times. **** you Randy the Pornstar, you ruined my piegasm.. RUINED IT. I demand a re-do! There better be top-crusted apple pie next Friday Randy the Pornstar... there better be. Yeah.. im going to transfer his ***. If hes not getting what Ive explained..and what Number 1 and my other minions have explained over and over and over and over again by now..he can be Rhonda the Hutt's problem.

This has really surprised me. I really thought it was going to be Number 1 who wasn't going to hack it. She had that timid baby deer trying to walk for the first time thing going on when she first got here. Now, this girl has the potential to be a supervisor. Randy the Pornstar seems like mailroom material to me. I shudder to think of how many times he would say "ive got a package for you" each day..especially with that moustache.

I floated Jenny the idea of transferring to Section 2. I totally expected to be laughed at, instead she asked only 1 question...

"Is Mr Muffin seeing anyone? Because I kinda want to make him a girlfriend."

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?
KnowUsByTheDead
Sunlight...Through The Blight.
#88 - 2014-04-18 20:45:00 UTC
Hmmmm.....

Jenny seems like an obvious choice.

Her love for muffin people is heartwarming.

And....

Plus side....

Mr. Muffin gets some action.

Blink

Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the comedian is the only thing that makes sense.
Jonah Gravenstein
Machiavellian Space Bastards
#89 - 2014-04-20 14:44:30 UTC  |  Edited by: Jonah Gravenstein
Poasting in an epic thread.

More pastry related shenanigans are required, Rhonda the Hutt needs to be sacrificed to the Snack Food Gods, Randy the Pornstar needs to cable tied to his chair and have his lip caterpillar removed, by Mr Muffin armed with tweezers an aerosol and a lighter.

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.

New Player FAQ

Feyd's Survival Pack
Debora Tsung
Perkone
Caldari State
#90 - 2014-04-22 08:54:55 UTC
I wonder if Rhonda the Hutt gave Number 1 a name.

Might not be the best idea, after all you shouldn't name things you might have to eat but still...

Stupidity should be a bannable offense.

Fighting back is more fun than not.

Sticky: AFK Cloaking Thread It's not pretty, but it's there.
KnowUsByTheDead
Sunlight...Through The Blight.
#91 - 2014-04-22 09:09:23 UTC
I personally hope that Number One is sent to Section 3 to eliminate Rhonda The Hutt.

Her sarcastic nature is bleeding through. The dark side is imminent.

Awoxing guarantees citizenship.

Big smileTwistedPirate

Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the comedian is the only thing that makes sense.
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#92 - 2014-04-22 17:17:39 UTC  |  Edited by: Unsuccessful At Everything
This morning was an OMG moment. Number 1 REAMED out Randy the Pornstar. REAMED. Ive seen some awful things here..but THAT was awesome and terrifying at the same time. Apparently Number 1 has been propping up Randy the Pornstar without my knowledge, and finally she had enough. All the crew and I could do was sit back and watch as she screamed him up one side and down the other. I should have stepped in... but sometimes you just have to stand back and watch the trainwreck out of pure morbid curiosity. "Are you kidding me?!??!! Our supervisor ***** off on the computer all day and plays with ******* muffins..and IM the screwup?!??!" Randy the Pornstar says back flailingly. "Are you kidding ME? He does more work in one hour than you do in 2 days! The damn muffin did more work yesterday than you did in 2 days, the damn office ficus (yes we have an office ficus) does more work than you do and its a ******* plant! A trained monkey would have gotten this down by now! A thousand monkeys can write shakespere, a thousand Randalls couldn't even write a Reddit post! Youre ******* useless and im not doing your work anymore!!!!!! Its sink or swim time, and youre a rock at the bottom of the ******* pool." Number 1 retorts. (Do you know how hard it was to frantically jot that down so I could type it here!?!?!) She literally reduced Randy to tears. My god do I love the brutal nature of this girl. She will do just fine here. Im still snickering over the reddit remark.

I was pulled into the bossman's office to discuss the situation. We went through every aspect of Randy the Pornstar's training, and looks like Ive done my job..actually above and beyond the training regimen. In the middle of our discussion, Number 1 busts in to defend me.... even though I had the situation handled. Great... I can hear the whispers now, the rumor mill has gone into overdrive already. Apparently no one defends someone else unless theyre sleeping together here. Ugh... ill look for the HR mail soon I guess. Bossman is now personally looking into Randy the Pornstar's credentials. This does not bode well for Randy... or my dreams of trading Randy the Pornstar for Jenny. Sigh. This is why I cant have nice things.

So I have learned a few things today. Mr Muffin answering the speaker phone is not only hilarious, but counts as productivity (Mr muffin was an indian telemarketer yesterday. I was worried about it being racially insensitive, but my indian co-workers laughed their asses off, and actually said it was a good accent..so I think im fine.). Number 1 is a force not to messed with (although I make no promises..heh.), and Randy may have lied about his resume..and HR didn't do their job in researching it (big ******* surprise.). I have a feeling that my crew may be down a person after today.. ill have to see what tomorrow brings.

** It just hit me that Number 1 might be a redditor... I will make it my mission to find out!

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?
Graygor
Federal Navy Academy
Gallente Federation
#93 - 2014-04-22 17:26:47 UTC
Quote:
A trained monkey would have gotten this down by now! A thousand monkeys can write shakespere, a thousand Randalls couldn't even write a Reddit post!


Yes. Just yes.

"I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." - Kenneth O'Hara

"I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commissar "Cake" Kate
Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
#94 - 2014-04-22 17:49:46 UTC
Awesome..

Randall tryed to mess with Mr Muffin, he's getting off lightly.....LIGHTLY I TELL YOU!!!!

Keep an eye on Number 1, shes a fire cracker.

Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
Jonah Gravenstein
Machiavellian Space Bastards
#95 - 2014-04-23 01:15:16 UTC
Unsuccessful At Everything wrote:
I have a feeling that my crew may be down a person after today.. ill have to see what tomorrow brings.

Tomorrow

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.

New Player FAQ

Feyd's Survival Pack
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#96 - 2014-04-24 19:25:22 UTC
Well its official, Randy the Pornstar is out. Bossman confirmed that Randy the Pornstar lied about his credentials, and that he had been terminated from 3 other jobs because of the same thing. Shame on you Randy, you are supposed to slightly embellish your resume..not blatantly lie. A quick google search could have given you tips to make your meager real skills sound better..although it wouldn't have gotten you this job.

As a side effect of Randy the Pornstar's termination, the HR lady is now under review! Yay! Its her department that is supposed to verify credentials and employment history, run background checks and follow up with references. I wonder who it was who dropped the ball? I bet it was the HR lady's underling Tanya. Tanya looks like a cross between Honey Boo-Boo's mom and Kathy Bates, which makes most men cringe. I bet it was her. She doesn't seem to appreciate her job much, plus she is known to use her..bulk... to win at Doughnut Thunderdome. That's just wrong. Doughnut Thunderdome is a noble gentlemens sport that is played by hooligans.. and she violates the spirit of the game. She once racked up a huge long distance bill calling some guy she met online, only for it to turn out he was one of those scam artists who are after lonely womens money. She still talks about him like hes going to come and marry her someday. Wat™. Exactly. Anyways, Bossman is on it, and has vowed to fix the HR department. Should prove to be interesting.

Number 1 has been made official as part of Section 2, and we had a little party to celebrate her inclusion into the Impossible Mission Force. Doughnuts were secured for the festivities via a misdirection stunt using a small bullhorn from our floor's emergency kit and a kazoo. Do you know what that sounds like? Neither did anyone else until it happened. No one was sure how to react.. except us who swooped in and grabbed the maple bar and old fashioned glazed in the confusion and bolted. I would not recommend the bullhorn thing again... that was awful. It would have been better to use the siren instead of a kazoo..but we had the kazoo handy, and it was a why-the-hell-not moment. Anyways, a small cake was assembled with spoils of our raid and a leftover birthday candle I had in my desk for some reason. Why is there ALWAYS a birthday candle in a drawer? That cant be just me.. but seriously.. its like every random drawer I have has a damn birthday candle in there somewhere whether it be at home or at work or in my garage or my parent house or the wifes parents house..anywhere. Are there gnomes who do this kind of thing intentionally? Serious WTF moment right? Anyways, doughnut cake was had, and now Number 1 shall be known by her new rightful name, Office Hot Lindy (shes good with the name, I asked). Shes not super attractive, but compared to the rest of the talent in here, shes decent, hence the Office Hot portion of her name. Welcome to the fold Office Hot Lindy, may Section 2 be forever on your good side.

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?
Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
#97 - 2014-04-26 17:40:31 UTC
Pics of Number 1 Required!


I like Bacon.

Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
Schmata Bastanold
In Boobiez We Trust
#98 - 2014-04-28 10:03:08 UTC
Ralph King-Griffin linked that thread in "EVE blogs you follow?" and I am hooked 4 life.

Invalid signature format
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#99 - 2014-04-29 00:18:03 UTC
My muffin brings all the boys to the yard.
and theyre like "why you taking a muffin and then not eating it??!?!"
and im like damn right probably tastes better than yours.
I could teach you but id have to... pretty much give up any rights to Mr Muffin..and im not willing to do that.

Mr Muffin is not a new thing, yet there will always be those few who believe that he has no right to exist. Bastards. He is more of a person than most people. Hes many people. He can be almost anyone. Today he was Sean Connery. The sexiest voiced muffin you've ever heard. Yesh. We went through James Bond,and the guy from The Rock (too lazy to google it) and Draco the Dragon. Draco was the best one..only because when the muffins ran out and people wanted to come and take Mr Muffin for their own.. he stoically looked at them and told them I AM THE LASHT ONE!!!!! Some people got it..most didn't. Seriously..you would think that more people would get that one. He hit on the front desk lady today over the phone this morning. It pretty much showed that no matter how old the woman..Sean Connery's voice pretty much does it for all of them. Its so sheductive. Ive used it on the wife a few times. Not the muffin..she hates muffins. Weird right? She likes doughnuts. She used to work at a small doughnut shop..which is why we fell in love..because she gave me a bacon covered maple doughnut... drool. Im sure we were in love before that..but still..bacon even makes love better. I cant eat bacon at the office though... ::sadface::..and we all know why. Yep..Becky Resident Militant Vegan *****. She FREAKS out on people who eat bacon. I don't freak out on her when she eats a carrot. I should. At times I think she fantasizes while eating the carrot...because she bites that thing pretty vigorously. She must daydream of being a rabbit. Only thing I can think of. I bet you thought I was going to say something else right? Yeah...how about no. The vision of her doing that would pretty much ruin it for everyone. Who would want to own a rabbit after that? Speaking of rabbits, Office Hot Lindy has a tattoo of a rabbit. maybe that's why I have rabbits on the brain. I haven't seen it, but she told us about it and wont show us..which pretty much means only one thing....that's its horribly drawn. Nobody would be proud of a horribly drawn rabbit tattoo. Unless maybe if you did it for a bet..but even then...it would have to be a pretty big bet. You know what I bet? I bet that Office Hot Lindy likes Sean Connery's voice.. Ill have to bring her a selection of his movies tomorrow.

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?
Sibyyl
Garoun Investment Bank
Gallente Federation
#100 - 2014-04-29 05:27:43 UTC
I should be working right now, but I'm catching up on this thread instead. And I won't judge myself for it.

Joffy Aulx-Gao for CSM. Fix links and OGB. Ban stabs from plexes. Fulfill karmic justice.