Out of Pod Experience

I soooo want to read it tonight, but I'm going to save it for the office on Monday. At my staff meeting: Mr. Muffin, I choose you.

Epic.

I wish I could see his face when it happens.

Dramatic Chipmunk Might need some Help from Dramatic Cupcake Dog on this one.

EDIT: and Maybe, just maybe also from the animal ception crew.

Sarcasti-Trek.

Effort, the unknown frontier. These are the voyages of Sarcastiship Effortprise. Its continuing mission: To get handed the work of others who failed to even start it for like.. 2 weeks, to meet unrealistic deadlines set in place by fantasy world executives, to bodly spit sarcasm like no one has done before....

[insert Section 2 wailing the original Star Trek opening theme at the top of their voices...]

Captains blog.. stardate.. whatever the hell yesterday was.

[Shatner mode: Engaged] Weve been handed ...someone elses assignment ...due to the fact that they have even..failed to start it. Im...UNSURE.. of this deadline weve been handed. Two weeks would be.. appropriate.. but weve been given just 4 days. Four..DAYS to complete this assignment. [Shatner mode: Disengaged].

What is this current aversion to effort that people have? The Section originally assigned this work could even attempt to half-ass it.. hell, half-assed would have been something. Id settle for quarter-assing it at this point. But Nooooooooooo, lets give them a pass and give it to the section who gets god. damn. results. Well, this is what we get for being good at what we do and put our whole asses into it.

Yesterday, a midlevel exec shows up. He looks at us in Section 2 and literally just hands us the project with only the words "You have 4 days." I take a glance at the requirments and noted at the top is the timeframe of 13-16 days, start date was 5/26. I hand it back to the man, "its impossible. That's a 2 week minimum project.. 10 days at least." He hands me back the sheet. "You have four.".

I hand it back to him. "We are far too busy inventing this time machine at the moment to do a two week project in 4 days. Perhaps after we have completed our task, we could use said time machine to go back in time 2 weeks so that we could get it done, but then of course, we would alter history, and having had to work on this unrealistic project instead of our time machine, we would never invent our time machine, making it impossible to complete this task. Its a paradox sir, and im not willing to risk the universe's very existence in order to complete something in an unrealistic timeframe that has obviously been assigned to another Section since last month."

Angrily, he grabs my hand, places the paper in it and reinforces the fact that it is due in 4 days and its all on us. "You can use your Star Trek magic to fix it." he said while walking off.

Me, being me, goes straight into Bane mode.

[Bane mode: Engaged] Oh, you believe that sarcasm is your ally! I was born of sarcasm.. Raised by it... molded by it. I didn't hear an honest sentence until I was already a man, and then, it was merely ...amusing! [Bane mode: Disengaged]

"Oh, im not being sarcastic." he speaks from down the row.

Sarcasm detectors three states away exploded from the readings off of our 'conversation'.

Immeadiately, Section 2 goes into full-assed effort and smart-ass modes. The four of us bang out 4 days worth of this thing in 1, the entire time we would use raised voices to re-enact start trek scenes.

"Ensign Lindy, engage unrealistic drive!"

"We cant captain! Were trapped in some kind of.. thing.. that's on..the wing!"

"Dammit ensign! That's...my ..dramatic pause... and youre mixing up shows... and not... making any sense!"

"Engineer Scott (dudes name is actually Scott.. it worked out perfectly.), status of the effort engines?"

"Whole asses engaged sir! Were giving it all weve got!"

"Not good enough Mr Scott! We need.. to give it... more asses!"

and at that.. all sarcastic hell broke loose. It slowly de-evolved into monkey noises , caveman grunts and quantitative ass jokes.. Anyways, with the four of us on this, itll be done by Friday, even if I have to come in early to get it polished off. I think we are digging our own graves at this point. If we pull this off, we are opening ourselves to having more of this tight deadline **** shoved down our throats. But such is like any job out there, you do something above and beyond once, its then expected of you every single time.

Those were probably property of the NSA, highly experimental and almost finished. And you destroyed them. My hero.

How did you get access to my secret office training guide????

One of your PA's has a weakness for these.

I have taken this week off of work. Sometimes its good for the soul to literally say "**** it." This was one of those times.

Did I miss my muffin? Of course. But Monday at home was waffles, bacon and eggs.. and sorry Mr Muffin, but I would cheat on you anyday with that combo. Plus, while its easy to make a waffle talk, my wife doesn't exactly put up talking confections in the house.

Did I miss Doughnut Thunderdome? Of course. Watching grown human beings de-evolve into primates over fried dough topped with sugar is probably the best thing that anyone could do with their lives.. beyond muffin puppetry or being a chef who is tasked with creating new bacon recipes.

Did I miss Pie-day? Dunno. I haven't received my report from my minions. Im sure it was more store bought crap. Im actually baking cookies at the moment , which I will then turn into icecream sandwiches later, so that will kinda make up for it.

So all in all, I don't really miss work that much.

What did I miss?

Kevin's sugary whirlwind!

Yeah.. that bastard waited until I was gone to do it. Lindy and the crew told me it was freakin epic. That super sweet cloud hazed up the entire half of the floor.. and now Kevin's desk and entire area are crazy sticky. I wish I could have seen it. The best part is.. I WASNT THERE. My wrath transcends my physical location Kevin... Im everywhere.. yet nowhere... I am the ninja.

Here is the kicker though.. Kevin hasn't used his fan since, and I have it on very good authority that it has been refilled with a half containers worth of powdered almond coffee creamer. Now.. we wait. I hope that im present for this one.

This morning, in an unscheduled meeting, we were told we are going to be issued company cellphones because research has shown that more people are texting instead of conversing via voice. I cannot stand texting. That's not really fair, what I cannot stand is the way people type when texting. When I text, I use complete words and sentences and punctuation. When I get texts, its all OMG Y R U LOL cuz IM nt hr rt nw k? ;). The ****? Now im really going to need to conduct business this way?

Im so glad I did well in school and went to college, just so later in life I can be forced to regress into a text addicted 12yo in order to be successful at my job. This once again proves that execs don't live in reality, and consultants are utterly useless.

So, now as a kneejerk reaction to news like this, ive pretty much gone into full smartass mode. All emails have been sent typed with my thumbs with smileys, and all conversations have been done in text speak. I think ive used the word "Winky face" about 12 times so far, and instead of laughing, I just look all deadpan and say "LOL". Ive walked away from 3 conversations saying 'brb'.

I guess that I just need to make a point with management that 'Nothing typed with ones thumbs has ever been worth reading.' I think I heard that on an episode of The Boondocks. Great show. Many life lessons can be learned from it. Riley does a beautiful expose on urination in regards to the R Kelley case years ago, and I still go to youtube and watch it every once in a while.

Well, im pretty much done for the day at this point. Ive found that if im perfectly quiet and stare out the window for long periods of time, it makes the office very nervous. I love that sometimes the best troll is the troll you never have to do.

Oh god.. I cant wait until a HR complaint happens due to autocorrect!

SHW ME UR BOOBS.

Its amazing what a simple statement asking to see ones footwear via text could do if allowed to be manipulated by Apple.

Nope, cant see how this will end badly for me at all.

So that's why a certain someone stopped blogging, he's infiltrating Google to pursue his new vocation in life.