Out of Pod Experience

I should be cooking dinner for myself, but i'm catching up on this thread instead :)

Yep, I figured that out

Still waiting on those pics of Number 1.




I like Lego.

I brought another lil pack the other day, now i have a Rescue Chopper, aswell as a fire engine.



Oh and UAE... pics of the wifey


I like Milk.

What kind of cruel joke is this? These are called "Black Forest Muffins". That is a damn cupcake good sir. You cannot make a muffin out of a cupcake. How am I to work with this!?!?!?? Said the crazy bald guy who may be me.. but probably was. It took a while... but I think I got it figured out. I just went with Forest Gump voice. Partly because Jenny is within voice range.. and because my Samuel L Jackson / Forest Gump combo voice didn't exactly work out as planned... and now Section 2 thinks im slightly crazy. I really did try to make it work.. but gave up after about an hour of random "mother******* lieutenant Dan" and "Get these mother******** shrimp off this mother******* boat". It just doesn't work. Looks good on paper...**** in reality. So Forest Muffin has talked about his Jennay quite a bit on the phone... to Jenny.. who has him on speaker phone to annoy Rhonda the Hutt. I did grab an ice cream bar from the break room fridge to use as a prop, and Forest Muffin has been offering it to people. Steve (Alpha Douche) grabbed it from him and ate it.. ruining the moment. I guess the good thing about it is that they were Rhonda the Hutt's ice cream bars... and she saw Steve (Alpha Douche) eating it... so that kind of kicked off some fun for about 30 mins. God I love it when those two go at it. Phrasing... bad mental picture.... ewwwwwwww. It would look like a lizard riding a watermelon. It is quite hilarious to listen to. Rhonda the Hutt almost always turns in a HR complaint on him..which usually gets thrown out because its Rhonda the Hutt. She is one of the serial abusers of the HR complaint forms. I once said Hi to her in a supermarket... and got a complaint at the office for outside of workplace harassment. Not Kidding. It was because I was acting like that Leonardo DiCaprio character from Gilbert Grape I bet. Did I call her Gilbert? I don't remember calling her that... hmmm... things to ponder. I remember buying feminine products.... and making some rather risqué jokes in the checkout line... but she wasn't there... hmmm. That doesn't explain Rhonda the Hutt's complaint... but it DOES explain why that register lady looks disgusted with me when I go in there. Oh I remember! I bought spaghetti sauce at the same time and made some joke about testing the feminine products out under extreme circumstances! I have no shame when it comes to the feminine product isle. Im the guy who helps out all the other clueless guys when theyre stuck frozen in awe at the shear amount of things in that isle. Ok Buddy... what brand did she say.. because that's important. Ok.. girlfriend or wife? Short term girlfriend? Get the multi-pack.. cover ALL the situations. Wife? You better get that **** right... or you are NEVER going to hear the end of it... for at least a week. There literally less rules pertaining to Crimewatch than there are in Feminine products. True story. Anyways, Its about time for Forest Muffin to talk about the Vietnam War... im not sure how its gonna come out, but whatever he says, that's all hes gonna say about that.

You Sir are a Hero.
07

First off, id love to give a shout out to this thread for providing me todays entertainment. Everything that follows is its fault.

Well, Im just going to call this day a total loss.... of productivity. I really need to stop reading things out loud. This morning started off great, with lots of work getting done. At what I can only describe as both the worst moment AND the best moment possible, I read that firefighter / adult movie / pubic bludgeoning thread out loud. Office Hot Lindy was on speaker phone with Section 5 going over some collaborative report thing she has going on... and my voice carries.. so naturally ever word I said was piped clear across the office. Also, somewhat due to the voice carrying, I have assaulted Rhonda the Hutt's earballs with inappropriate content. Yep..thats gonna cost me. Jenny, Rhonda the Hutt's henchmen, and my double agent, has one of those mildly irritating laughs. Its only mildly irritating to me.. massively irritating to Rhonda the Hutt. Jenny is breathless from laughing, which makes her laugh even worse..which irritates Rhonda the Hutt even more. Yep... ill definitely be paying for this. Section 5 is taking it well. Im being called by them asking for the Reddit link... I don't have the heart to tell them that its on a fictional space submarine forum. I copy/pasted it and emailed it to them in hopes of appeasing them.

Just as we decided to get back to work.. up pops a description of the "victim" / Actress... Which naturally I decide sounds too great not to read out loud.. in my Herbert voice (from family guy.. look it up). My minions were proof reading a report we had just printed out... insert both best / worst possible moment situation again... BOOM... Coffee-splosions take out the colorful inkjet printed charts. The report must now be reprinted.. the shirts must now be changed.. and the coffee must be refilled. Thank god its lunchtime, and I have extra shirts in the car that I can lend to people.


... and now lunch is ruined.. not by that thread.. by Steve (Alpha Douche). Steve (Alpha Douche) apparently brought some kind of indian food for lunch... and microwaved it.. for far too too long. The break room is filled with what can only be described as mustard gas.. evacuations were commenced... now we all reek of whatever the hell that was. I have no more shirts.. and my emergency bodyspray isn't putting a dent in this. I may need a lemon juice bath tonight... seriously. I remember when I got hell for bringing in some homemade Chicken Tika Masala.. and I didn't even reheat it! (it was awesome cold.) This is soo much worse. Oh god.. its all over the office now.. you know its in the airducts.. Damn you Steve (Alpha Douche)! Ugh.. I can taste the smell... ugh. I may have to dig through my drawer and see if I have any menthol ointment to put in my nose. Why would I have that? Well, if I had a random birthday candle.. im sure ive got some of that. Help me office cubicle junk drawer.. youre my only hope.

Day 5 of my 3 office tour...

Did I forget to mention that I was leaving on a trip to see 3 other offices? Yeah.. probably should have mentioned that. Oh well. Its almost over. I fly back in an hour.

******* hotel didn't have muffins this morning.. I had to go to a store and BUY a muffin.. just to Skype section 2. This little bakery had mufffins in tin foil... so of course.. I had to go with Muffin Commander, Leader of M.U.F.F.I.N., a worldwide something something ill conceived something. I didn't really think the acronym through, I just wanted to talk like Cobra Commander and tell people to "Work harder you fools!!". I concluded the 30 minute long Skype session with him running for an escape pod (made of foil... with M.U.F.F.I.N. written on the side and crudely drawn muffin stencil) and him flying out the window in retreat. Yeah... so... theres now a muffin in the pool of the hotel.... in a crashed escape pod. Im sure they'll blame it on kids. No grown man would ever do something like that.. right? Probably not. Anyway.. my voice is a little hoarse from talking like that. The things I do for comedy.

It turns out that the three other offices don't have a designated asshat to make life interesting. I talked with my counterparts, and gave them some great ideas to stir the pot. I gave people some nicknames, which should stick for a bit. 2 of the offices are going to have Muffin Monday and Pie-Day now.. which should add to the office content. I witnessed a Doughnut Thunderdome , if you can call it that. It was more like a group of slow zombies descending on a fallen Boyscout. No bullhorns, no elbows, just the horde. Can you believe that people would actually SHARE doughnuts?!??!! HERESY! Doughnuts are not meant to be halved! What is this?!?!?!?! 40 people enter, 12 people leave with doughnuts..THIS IS THE RULE. Ugh. You civilized bastards.. I cant wait to get back and deal with the anarchy of my office.. at least there is life.. chaotic life. There is no fun here.. no smiles... no enjoyment. Half these people hate their job..the other half are so apathetic that they just show up and stare blankly until end of day. No individuals..no smiles... just a herd of zombie cattle. I can only hope that it changes for them, and that ive inspired at least a few to create content... I hope they keep me in the loop as to their exploits.

Ugh.. I hate airports.. Its time to seek coffee... Must have coffee... I needs it... I hate falling asleep on planes... I have the most ****** up dreams when I sleep on planes. Although.. if Im awake.. people almost ALWAYS insist on talking to me... Ugh.. damned if you do..damned if you don't.

Ah... its good to be back. How I missed the ambient noise in my kingdom. The subtle whine of the ever-dying case fan of my computer (HURRY UP AND DIE ALREADY!!!!!!), the everpresent ringing of my phone.. set to the most obnoxious ring imaginable and on the loudest volume (because it irritates Rhonda the Hutt so much..), Steve (Alpha Douche)'s constant swearing off in the distance.. how ive missed it all.

Wait... something is different... the ass grove of my chair.... its different... who... hmm... It looks like my chair... wait a ******* second... the black duct tape on the armrest is newer... (yes..I have to duct tape the armrest of my chair because my request for a new chair has been in process for like 2 years..) Someone has swapped my chair! The recliner is broken on this one! WTF!?!??! Oh... someone went through an awful lot of trouble to mock this one up so I wouldn't notice... But who? Who has the audacity to pull this off? Who has the talent to forge this fake? Section 2's chairs are clean... and they all claim to not know who did it. Good thing I trust them.. Id hate to torture them for info. The hunt now begins for the culprit. This will be difficult.. because all the chairs look the same here... it might be time to go full Liam Neeson on this place.

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you were looking for a better chair, all I had was this slightly less broken one, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career of asshattery. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you bring my chair back now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you and I will make what I did to the IT guy look like childs play.

The VP ruined Doughnut Thunderdome yesterday. He showed up during the mad scramble.. and the masses parted like the Red Sea. He sauntered over to the box of doughnuts.. and took the coveted maple bar. That one action took the fight out of everyone. The gold medal was gone... no sense in fighting for the silver. This is why we cant have nice things when management is around. Yes, Doughnut Thunderdome is a nice thing. I encourage you to try it at your place of employment.

The search for my chair has so far come up empty. Ive gone through all 5 sections to no avail. Ive interrogated the snitches and have come up with nothing. This is indeed a disturbing universe. It was hard playing good cop AND bad cop…. but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do, and in this case... I went full Smeagol on their ass. Voice and all. Its surprisingly effective. Still, nothing. Someone will slip up someday… and when that happens… yeah.

I have one option now… to pass off this chair as someone elses and steal theirs… but whos? Ideally I would go for one of managements chairs.. but theyre different. IT guys chair is different too.. plus that one would be awkward. Dragging a chair downstairs without anyone noticing.. yep.. not suspicious at all. I can think of one target.. The HR lady! I will have to sanitize it first… but yes… that will do nicely. How to do it without anyone in her office noticing… I will have to confer with the IM force on this..

50 feet. The approximate distance from the Section 2 entryway to the HR office.. (at this point, visualize some kind of CGI 3d wireframe model of an office, all spinny and hollywoody.. like Mission:Impossible meets Ocean’s Eleven..with H. Jon Benjamin’s voiceover). There are 3 entryways to other sections that I will have to pass. The chair back is slightly lower than the cubicle walls.. so as long as no one stands up, the chair will remain unseen until those entryways. This chair has a squeaky wheel.. so that may draw attention to it as we pass. We will need a coordinated diversion that makes people remain seated and paying attention to their computers that are conveniently placed so that people face away from the entryway (so management can sneak up on you.. I figured that out pretty early in my career). Perhaps some kind of mass email with an autoplaying video with sound level locked on full. Itll have to be sent by someone else.. no one opens my mail anymore. (seriously.. you rename a few slightly obnoxious videos to look like official documents.. and suddenly everyone thinks it’s a trap.. eyeroll.. I know right..) I may need to recruit someone with slightly better office standings to send the mail. The list of trustworthy candidates is short. The next obstacle will be getting the entire HR dept to leave their office at the same time… hmm.. this will be tougher.. yes.. much tougher. Perhaps some kind of elaborate argument rouse happening away from the office.. no.. that would only get one out.. we need three to leave. Fire alarm would be too drastic.. Maybe I can coordinate all of this while HR is in a meeting.. OK, now we need to hack into the HR schedule and find out when their next review meeting is. It should be an easy matter to bypass their security through means of a reduction algorithm that can be… who am I kidding.. Ill just ask them. I don’t know how to hack. You know.. Im just overthinking this whole thing. Ill just come in early and swap them out before anyone else gets here. Why didn’t I think of that earlier? I hate it when my brain wants to get all elaborate and diabolical for like no reason.

Anyways.. im going to go do the finger pyramid of evil contemplation and eat some pie. Its top crusted apple today.. and I have saved a piece to eat at the end of the day. Its time to creep people out before work ends.