Out of Pod Experience

Well, Scotty (Long term Section 2 minion, engineer of the Sarcastiship Effortprise) has gone and committed a crime. The crime of Muffin Desecration. As punishment, I will now regale the interwebs with the story that Scotty doesn’t like to hear.. mostly because its true.. partly because of the way I tell it.

I present to the interwebs the tale of: How UaE saved Scotty’s marriage by porking his wife.

Its exactly how it sounds.

Our tale begins a long time ago.. at least 5 or 6 years.. in a far away land called Houston. In this magical kingdom, there was a large hotel where our all-powerful and all-knowing executives gathered men and women from across the states to come together to basically attempt to bore us to death, feed us sub par buffet food, and get us liquored out of minds on the companies account so that they may write off the expenses for taxes.

Scotty and I went to this magical gathering, and brought our spouses along. But you probably guessed that from the title of the story anyways. During the evening of day 1, Scotty decides to partake of generous amounts of free alcohol, and becomes inebriated. That night upon his return to his bedchamber, him and the misses get into an argument. The argument slowly degrades until Scotty decides , stupidly, to drop the bomb of how he slept with his highschool girlfriend during the class reunion 1 month before they got married. BOOM.

Not surprisingly, Scotty’s wife doesn’t take that well. I don’t see why. Anyways, She leaves Scotty in a drunken rambling state and comes to stay in our room. Dear Penthouse Forum… (I haven’t trolled there..yet..)

Over the next few days, their relationship and marriage slowly crumble. The wife is stuck in the room consoling Carla (Scotty’s wife.. pretty sure I mentioned that… nope I didn’t.) While Scotty and I attend the festivities. Scotty is a wreck by day 3, Im a wreck because Ive got the sobbing sisters in my room. At this pont, I could go stay in Scotty’s room and get some sleep.. and possibly some quality spooning.. or I can do my nice guy thing.. and totally take his wife out and show her a good time to get her mind off stuff.

Scotty went unspooned that evening.

I made Carla get all dressed up, and I got all well.. dressed. My wife went to bed. She knew what was going to happen. She was ok with it. (were open like that) I asked around and found the perfect place to take Carla.. a nice barbeque joint. When we got there, I treated her like a lady.. took her coat, pulled out her chair.. oh yeah.. UaE was going to get some tonight. I ordered up some wine (ok.. it was beer.. but for the sake of the story.. it was wine.. romantic wine) and we sat and talked. The waiter came over and took our order (ok.. we ordered at a window..) During our wait I gazed into Carla’s eyes.. and called Scotty a douche. I regaled her with tales of Scotty until .. I porked her. Yep. ALL YOU CAN EAT PORK BARBEQUE BABY!!!!!!! I stuffed Carla good that night.. all night long (not really all night.. the place closed at like 10 or something). Good thing there were wet-naps available.. because her face got messy, all that sauce dripping off her chin..a little dribble down her blouse.. it was some hard work satisfying that woman! I wasn’t just her face I messed up wither.. she got quite a bit in her lap too. I porked her so long and good that she had a hard time walking.. back to the car (because she was full.. wink wink). During the car ride back to the hotel, we talked some more, and we both decided that Scotty was a loveable douche, and that yeah he screwed up, but he was sorry and felt really bad for years about it and that he loved her.

When we got back, she took her stuff from our room and went back and talked with Scotty.. and to this day they are still together.
Reading this back.. it really doenst sound that dirty when you read it. I guess you need to be in person.. because you really need the voice inflection and winking to work it… plus it almost makes me sound like a decent human being.. which would just be awful.

Long story short, I porked Scotty’s wife and saved his marriage.

You know.. this doesn’t seem like much of a punishment. .. the wrath planning machine must work overtime to come up with a plan to get Scotty back.. something to do with his wife isn’t out of the question…wink wink.


Sidenote: Yay! Tollen is back! \o/

In Houston. Duh.

And great story UAE. The story, the twist, the sauce... oh the sauce.

9 and a half thumbs up. It would be ten but alas there was an incident with a chef knife and a reenactment of the knife hand scene from Aliens.

I like Lego.

I can guarantee with 100% certainty that this will never happen. Unless it was a gag flower that shot lemon juice.. or the liquid from a skunk's musk gland.. ok.. I can say with 90% certainty that this will never happen..



Her palette is quite.. bland. Shes not one of those gourmet Vegans that you see on TV who can make a black bean patty taste like the best burger you've ever had. No. The pie was awful. It was like eating mung bean custard in a cardboard crust... but without the custard.. it was certainly mung though..



Yeah. pretty much ::shudder::
A boring office like you see on the TV is what I can only imagine my personal hell would be.

Well, I violated our office policy on personal phone calls this morning. It wasn't really a personal call. It was a census taker.. or survey person. I normally don't answer them, buuuut I was slightly bored and burping up sawdust pudding and figured I could humor the poor sap on the other end. It all went well until they asked how many children I had. Of course I answered 2.5. 2.5 is still the average right? So then that question slowly digressed into an exploration on how we only had half a child. You see, when we were picking out our child from the catalogue, we forgot to uncheck the "remove all earthworm DNA" box. I mean, it seemed like such a silly thing at the time. Until the fateful day where the kids were all playing on the combine. (for this, pretend we lived on a farm.. with a cornfield.. which required a combine..) and our youngest decided to show off her elite harvesting skills by starting up the combine while Jerry (fictional future half child) was playing atop the blade assembly. One thing led to another and Jerry was chopped in half. Thankfully that earthworm DNA thing didn't happen afterall.. or else we would have ended up with 4 kids. Now Jerry is our half child. Come to think of it.. maybe the earthworm thing DID happen because he does have 2 little tiny leg stalks starting to grow. The convo got really strange when I came to the realization that the lower half of Jerry may be regenerating somewhere. I asked the poor guy if he had heard any reports of a pair of legs with a tiny little torso out and about, to which he finally hung up on me. How rude. What if Jerry had been real? Couldn't that guy show him at least a little respect by hearing his father out about his life story? The nerve of some people. I would have totally listened to a census taker's story about his earthworm hybrid child who got chopped by a combine.

Anyways, the bossman stood behind me and listened apparently... aaaaand yeah. He laughed, pointed out the "no personal phone calls" policy, and went back in his office. Im glad I could make him laugh.

Well, its almost time for me to go and catch an earful from the VP upstairs. I apparently did something wrong.. cant imagine what.. and he needs to 'speak' with me. Im sure this will end well.

So.....

details on the arse chewing?

Do you know who I am? Do you understand the hell that I can bring down on you? I eat people like you for breakfast. Look at you.. weak.. trembling.. in awe of my power. I will crush you.. destroy you.. I will utterly pulverize you, mix you with brown sugar and a dash of cinnimon and some butter and sprinkle you atop my brethren. There is no where you can hide.. no where that my influence cannot reach you. I am the all seeing pastry of your nightmares. I will haunt your dreams.. torture your waking thoughts.. ravage your memories. I am the muffin.. Mr. Muffin.

Kelly the new transfer from the Portland office stood shocked. She had no clue how to react to such a powerful presence. She had mistakenly made a snide remark to a greeting by her new overlord before turning around. Now.. she had come under the full attention of the one person in this place she must never cross...

A hush fell over the nearby sections. There was no way that this poor newcomer could have known the seriousness of her transgression... now.. people listened as Mr. Muffin laid down the rules that she will now live by. Slowly.. and quietly.. punctuated with dramatic pauses.. with a slight hint of Willam Defoe. The consequences for not following the rules was wrath.. he would leave the specifics up to her imagination.. and perhaps the tales spun from past victims.

How could this muffin be so cruel, yet the person holding him be so nice? Is this the carrot and the stick? The good cop bad cop? IS THIS MAN INSANE??!?!! It must be all of the above. Why would any company put someone like this in charge? Did I make the right choice in transferring here? These were the questions burning behind her eyes. Questions that I would leave up to her to answer.

The man and his muffin returned to their fortress. Upon resuming their respective thrones.. began to chuckle.. louder.. and louder.. until they both were laughing the evil laughs of office villainy..

Visibly left in a daze.. Kelly sat silently.. staring at her computer screen. The overlords henchman, or rather second-in-command, went to her side. Quietly they discussed among themselves the unwritten rules of the territory, above all else never to eat or attempt to eat of the muffin..

Welcome to hell, Kelly... or as we all call it... another day at the office.

In the Halloween season, I think Mr. Muffin should dress up in a cape.

Either a vampire cape, or a victorian half cape.

Mr. Muffin will gain evil cred by dressing in a cape.

Exactly.




I like Tollen Gallen.

Necro'ing an incredible thread to have our forum supervillian repost again!!

C'mon man, it's the holidays and you got nuthin'??

Look at it this way, UAE. The increase in pay due to the promotion will provide increased funding for future shenanigans, if such shenanigans require funding.