Out of Pod Experience

What if you started making Faction Muffins that looked like not-muffins ... for instance, a calculator or a mouse ... that way, after "all of the T1/2 Muffins" had been sold on the market you could flood the market with Faction Muffins.

What if you made a muffin mug and lined it with frosting that took a while to soak through.. you could drink her tears and eat the evidence.

CovOps Muffin = Muffin with icing posing at regular conscript

If I end up getting fired soon I'll be sure to post some things for you :D

Concur. They should make a reality tv show about where you work....

The Toilet Knight Rises

From: ***** , ****** [*****@**********.com]
Sent: Thursday, August 7, 2014 11:13 AM
To: All Floor 2, All Floor 3, All Floor 4
Cc:
Subject: Floor 4 Executive washroom issue

Guys,
This has got to stop. For over a week now I have had to hear whoever it is in the executive washroom making the Batman voice. Always from a locked stall. I don't know who it is, but this needs to stop. I know you all believe that this is funny, its not. I would like to believe that we run a mature workplace environment, but it is now obvious that there is someone who wants to be a child.

So far no one has seen who this "Bathroom Batman" is. The cameras in the east hallway of Floor 4 have all been turned away from the bathroom area, so we do not have footage of who this is. The security guard posted in the hallway has not seen anyone who is unauthorized use the washroom. If you know who this person is, please let HR or myself know immediately. If you decide to turn yourself in, we may disregard the violation of moving the security cameras. Keep it up, and there will be consequences.

At bare minimum people, I would like to see this behavior stopped.

****** *****
Vice President, Marketing


Now.. I don't know who this 'Caped Crusader of the Crapper" is, but he isn't the hero this company deserves, he is the hero this company needs. If you are reading this, you are my hero, and im frankly a little jealous that you did this and not me. Please, teach me your ways! If I could move like a freakin ninja through this place, the things I could get away with..

I want to be... your Robin. Without the tights, without the 'holy (something relevant to the situation), Batman!' and something muffin related. I will not have any name that ends in 'Boy' either. You know what, this needs to be a partnership, I don't feel that im sidekick material, as my talents would be wasted.

Signal me, and I will meet you. Any time, any where. You can find the Muffin-signal on my desk, next to the monitor. Just shine it at the ceiling and ill see it, possibly because its the muffin signal, possibly because you would literally be standing in front of my desk when you did it.

If you aren't a hero, but a villain, I have that covered too, so yeah, wither way, we got this. For proof of my villainy, please see the pages of this thread. I may have some names for evil organizations picked out, and may already have appropriate t-shirts made. Bad guys do that, I checked.

Now, back to todays regularly scheduled programming, already in progress.

Well, of course theyd give me damn chocolate muffins today. Knowing full well that I have Batman on the brain, they would do this. Its a trap. Im on to you.. you want me to go all batman voiced with the muffin so you all can say its me.. I see through your plans!!! Well I will not give you what you want! I will go with other Muffin personalities! Maybe ill go with Bruce Wayne muffin.. yep.. no one would suspect a thing.

I didn't go with Bruce Wayne muffin.

I sat there and stared at the muffin.. waiting for the muse to strike, waiting for inspiration! Show me what you are to become! And then.. Lindy ate it.

You little *****.

Sat there with a smug look on her face while she did it too. Don't you know I will destroy you? Don't you know that I will soon know Batman? Don't you know, that I totally licked that muffin?

Yep. Licked the muffin. I do that now. It keeps the Rhonda at bay. She wont eat a licked muffin.. but a Lindy will.

You ate a licked muffin, and now, everyone knows it.

Well.. everyone who matters knows it. So like 20 people know it.

God i missed these.

Keep up the good work.

I believe there are certain levels of personal awesomeness involved.

While Randy the Ponstar had an awesome level of roundabout 1 - which means his failures and/ or accidental successes actually raise the level of awesomeness of OHTER people - OHL might have an awesome level of at least 3 which means her successes might or might not temporarily increase her own level of awesome.

In combination with certain muffins and/or batman voices this might lead to a temporary awesome micro singularity of tremendous proportions.

I suggest to watch that person closely and record everything she does on video. In High Definition.

I support that, we should start a petition.

The Stanley Parable

I think almost every place of employment has a worker like Stanley. His name is actually Stan, that’s his full name. Its not short for anything. He hates being called anything else, therefore I call him Stanley, or Stanford, or some interesting mashup of Stan and other names. Im getting off track here. Anyways, I can guarantee that every place of employment has a Stanley. Stanley is what I like to call a ‘Stir-stick’. Why a ‘Stir-stick’? Because the only way to explain most office environments is to consider them governed by Fluid Dynamics. Stanford is never happy with what he has, the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. Stan Franscisco has always been like this, and im a tad used to it. Stanson has friends in other companies, and he likes to pry info about their pay and such from them, just so he can drama the office with tales of ‘how bad we have it’ and ‘how its never been this bad’.

I know what youre thinking at this point. “UAE, you have no right to be upset about drama! You cause so much of it!”

I good sir or madam, am an Office Villain. I do not cause drama, I create masterpieces of office wrath! Ok.. the whole ‘This pie contains lard’ prank may have caused drama, but it was entertaining drama! Not this ‘sew hate and discontent in the office because entitlement issues’ thing that Stanford and Sons does. Call me a hypocrite, don’t care. There is a difference, sometimes its subtle, but its there!

Anyways, back to Stanson, and the laws of Office Fluid Dynamics.

So, Stir-stick has got the majority of the floor up in arms. I cant walk 3 feet in any direction without hearing a conversation about ‘how bad it is here because we can get paid X amount more over at [other company]’ and ‘over at [other company] they get [things] and we don’t! Rabble Rabble Rabble.”(Im starting to think this is why I hate Highsec so much.. because this actually sounds a lot like.. nevermind, that’s another thread.) Its gotten pretty bad at this point. You can literally feel the dread in this place. I know that Stanlets (French pronounciation) claims about the other company are pretty much bull**** (ive been courted by this same company several times.. and I know what they actually pay and what they actually get.). Bossman and I had a pow-wow about this this morning (made me miss damn Doughnut Thunderdome!) and weve come to the consensus that Stankly is just trying to get a promotion or a raise but making it sound like hes underpaid. (interestingly, our company pays 6% higher than the ‘other place’ in a side by side comparison of similar positions). Bossman is going to squash this **** tomorrow morning. I cant wait.

To be honest, im not sure how the Office Fluid Dynamics thing really came about. It’s a term Section 2 and the Bossman have come up with over the past few years. I guess the only real definition would be that if one person is going a bad direction strong enough, then regardless of the other peoples orientation, they will eventually start going the same direction. Does that even make sense? Its really the only way I can explain it. So you can see why we would call Staniel a ‘Stir-stick’.
I guess the difference between Stanson and me would be (wait.. did I use Stanson already.. yep. Oh well..) that I do what I do out of “content creation” .. and sometimes boredom, vengeance and laughs, he does this out of love for drama for the sake of drama. Plus, im content with my job, and what I have, and don’t care what shade the grass is on the other side, because I at least have grass.. and if Stanielle keeps it up, im sure he wont have any of those things for much longer.

Ugh. Now that that’s all of my chest..

Im deciding what to do with OHL. As it has been pointed out, I didn’t let Randy The Pornstar get away with eating his supervisor. This is true. Now, she has argued her case against wrath but pointing out that the muffin had not yet ‘become’ a Mr Muffin at the time of devouring by my own admission. Yes, she used this thread against me.. dammit. I believe shes trying to skirt the unwritten Section 2 rules by using a loophole. Shes devious like that. Im very conflicted at this point. Especially because shes trying to buy her way back into my good graces with promises of her grandmother’s World ******* famous Sweet Potato Pie. On one hand, she deserves wrath.. she knew what she did.. with that smug smile while nom nom nom on a blank muffin.. but then again.. I do love that pie.. and I do approve of bribery with pie.. so I don’t know what to do.

Hmmmm, pie.

Pie vs. a blank slate muffin. An...UNmuffin.

Pie vs. UNmuffin.

OHL.

You have my axe.