Out of Pod Experience

UAE, you are a twisted, terrible person for whom humanity is worse off claiming as one of it's own.

I want lessons (and lessons for other people that don't know they're being taught).

Please be advise that spamming the forum to get your name to show as last poster on every thread in the first index page, might have consequences.
Please refrain from doing so in the future as this can be quite detrimental to the state and well being of the forum, especially if more people start doing it as some form of competition.

Confirming this is one of the greatest things ever. Please don't leave us without the office diaries for much longer UAE.

lol, I wish I could've seen that.

this should be turned into a tv series!

Today I look back on my career with fond memories. Its another anniversary of my hiring. I dare not count how long its been, for I don't want to think about it. It feels like forever. but a semi-decent forever.

Ive learned so much from this place over the years:

The Macarena is gone and over. You cannot bring it back no matter how good you are at it.

Hammer pants are not approved office wear, and yelling STOP, HAMMERTIME! at random times is apparently inappropriate.

Just because you have the moves like Jagger, does not mean you have the right to use them.

Vuvuzelas are not to be blown at any time in an office environment because meetings.

I am not a mariachi band member.

Star Wars references are lost on executives, and they don't find their lack of anything to be disturbing.

Using an Adam West era Batman costume to recreate a scene from Christian Bale era Batman movies is wrong because spandex and menacing don't mix.

One should not use a pencil as a mail opener because force + really stick envelope = broken pencil projectile sticking in wall next to Rhonda the Hutt.

Talking to yourself is acceptable if you have an earbud in, so is making random comments about coworkers.

Executives will hire 7 people to do a job that 1 person can do, yet will still assign 7 people worth of work to 1 person.

It is insanely easy to get an HR complaint.

Security cameras tend to record things. This can be both a good thing, and a bad thing.

Sigh. There are just so many more lessons I have learned through the years. I shudder to think just how many more I will need to learn the hard way.

So today I celebrate with Sterling Archer Muffin. His sarcastic and witty one liners bring much happiness to the office. Hes like James Bond muffin... with all of the vices, but none of the virtues. I only wish I had something I could make a tactileneck sweater with, although shirtless he looks a lot like Burt Reynolds in Gator. I just hope none of his womanizing comments get me in the DAAANGER ZOOOONE with HR... although that would be a fitting anniversary gift to myself.

Time to come clean. For the past couple weeks, I have been tied up with legal over a supposed breach of my NDA with the company. Someone from Section 2 (he says while glaring at that someone...) decided to share the link to The Office Diaries with someone else (he says loathingly). That someone else (now off the Christmas list) shared it with an unnamed person (ill find you..), who I apparently irritated (gasp of surprise).

The result: Legal dept was informed that I had breached my NDA. I was told to cease The Office Diaries while it was investigated. Links were shared, meetings were had. Fun times all around.

From: *****,**** [****@**********.com]
Sent: Friday, July 18, 2014 10:13 AM
To: Legal Department, Lead [*****@**********.com]
Subject: Re: Possible breach of NDA

*****,
I haven’t heard anything from legal on my supposed breach of my NDA in regards to my thread on the Eve Online Forums. Any word?

**** *****
Supervisor, Section 2



From: ********,***** [*****@**********.com]
Sent: Wednesday, July 23, 2014 3:13 PM
To: *****,**** [****@**********.com]
Subject: Re: Re: Possible breach of NDA

****,
I apologize that we have not gotten back to you. The entirety of the blog you have written has been reviewed. At this time we cannot find any breach of the NDA you signed. You have redacted all necessary materials, and changed all names as necessary. We can find no references to our company name or location, or disclosure of any project materials or documentation. The sharing of emails is a borderline issue, but we are allowing it due to the high level of redaction. As long as you keep up this level of security, you are cleared to continue. Please be advised that we will monitor your blog for future violations.

On a personal note, you may want to edit out some unfavorable mentions of the executives and management. They have been made aware of your blog due to the review by the legal department, and may not look kindly on things you have said. That being said, you have gotten many laughs from us here in legal, and this explains so much about the rumors we have heard. Keep up the good work and muffin on!

***** ********
Legal Department Lead



From: *****,**** [****@**********.com]
Sent: Thurday, July 24, 2014 9:27 AM
To: Legal Department, Lead [*****@**********.com]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Possible breach of NDA

*****,
Fantastic. I told you guys there was literally nothing on there that could breach the NDA. I guess this is what happens when we have an over-zealous person trying to get me fired due to muffin envy. Now that you’ve read the thread, I doubt you will disclose to me who it was who brought this up… for reasons.

On the changing or editing the thread because of management, I regret nothing. They know how I feel, its nothing I haven’t said out loud to them at least ten or eleven times.

Feel free to keep reading, and let me know if anything on the Eve online forums peaks your interest, or if you want to play. Im sure I can kick you a buddy invite! Eve needs more space lawyers.

**** *****
Supervisor, Section 2

So, after a couple weeks in purgatory, TOD has been cleared to continue, and on a lesser note I wont lose my job. Legalman (nickname in the works.. I may go with Darth Legal or Legalas as hes a LOTR fan) may have accidentally coined a new meme: "Keep Calm and Muffin on!". Ill need to work on the picture. Crowns look like muffin silhouettes , so this should be a slam dunk. After this, I think the company owes me just a little bit, so ill have the graphics guys print me up a poster for the wall.

Now that I know you are reading this.. You have seen what ive done to the IT guy.. You've seen what happens when you steal my chair.. You know what I am capable of.. I will find you. Rest assured that when I do, you will feel my wrath*.

*wrath will fall within the bounds of company rules and will not be punishable by any means. All wrath will be cleared by legal to make sure it conforms to all city, state and federal laws. All subsequent damages to company property will be reimbursed as usual.

So it kinda figures that absolutely no Doughnut drama happened during Thunderdome today. I swear.. sometimes its like fate doesn't want me to be happy... not that im admitting that Doughnut Thunderdome makes me happy.. Ok it kinda does. It probably has to do with this new office weight loss thing that management is trying to push. We do a weekly weigh in on Friday and the groups who loses the most by August 15th gets some kind of prize. Please let it be an ironic prize.. like a gift card to a restaurant. Here.. congrats on losing 10 pounds! Hers a ticket to an all you can eat buffet! Woo! Good thing that I don't eat the breakroom food.. I only play with it.

Keep Calm And Muffin On! (yep.. this is happening.)

UAE, i suggest putting the new line into your sig? 'Keep Calm and Muffin On'

also, hi2u UAE's colleagues, from the UK o/

You come across a tortoise lying on it's back...

Bull ****, don't get risk averse on us now.

Buy 50 T1 muffins frosting less cupcakes and take them within her reach...