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Capsuleer Comedy

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Jinari Otsito
Otsito Mining and Manufacture
#21 - 2014-08-15 16:02:18 UTC
So I went to Jita the other day. There was THE JOKE NETWORK IS CURRENTLY OVER CAPACITY. FIND DIFFERENT JOKE ACCESS.

Prime Node. Ask me about augmentation.

Nicoletta Mithra
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#22 - 2014-08-15 16:27:06 UTC
Another one:

While on a trip to another village, the mendicant lost his favorite copy of the mystical book. Several weeks later, a goat walked up to him, carrying the book in its mouth. The mendicant couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the goat's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the goat. "Your name is written inside the cover."
Synthetic Cultist
Church of The Crimson Saviour
#23 - 2014-08-15 16:30:31 UTC
Nicoletta Mithra wrote:
Another one:

While on a trip to another village, the mendicant lost his favorite copy of the mystical book. Several weeks later, a goat walked up to him, carrying the book in its mouth. The mendicant couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the goat's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the goat. "Your name is written inside the cover."


It is Funny, because few Goats have sufficient Education or visual Resolution to be able to Read Handwriting !

Synthia 1, Empress of Kaztropol.

It is Written.

Stitcher
School of Applied Knowledge
Caldari State
#24 - 2014-08-15 16:37:42 UTC
Nor, usually, are they noted for their loquacity.

AKA Hambone

Author of The Deathworlders

Anslo
Scope Works
#25 - 2014-08-15 16:39:29 UTC
Stitcher wrote:
Nor, usually, are they noted for their loquacity.


I have no idea why but this little added comment just made me lose my **** laughing.

[center]-_For the Proveldtariat_/-[/center]

Jinari Otsito
Otsito Mining and Manufacture
#26 - 2014-08-15 16:39:56 UTC
You're not using enough drugs. I can tell.

Prime Node. Ask me about augmentation.

Synthetic Cultist
Church of The Crimson Saviour
#27 - 2014-08-15 16:46:08 UTC
Stitcher wrote:
Nor, usually, are they noted for their loquacity.


This is Normally True, however, I am Informed that Leopold Caine has a Goat, named Henry, who is apparently a Senior Figure in the Angel Cartel.

I am however, unsure whether or not Henry the Goat has any skin tattoos, similar to Other Angel Cartel Goats who have been Observed in the past.

Synthia 1, Empress of Kaztropol.

It is Written.

Valerie Valate
Church of The Crimson Saviour
#28 - 2014-08-16 07:38:47 UTC
Why did the Ardishapur man frown at his Kador colleague ?

The Kador man asked him to "lend a hand"

Doctor V. Valate, Professor of Archaeology at Kaztropolis Imperial University.

Fredfredbug4
The Scope
Gallente Federation
#29 - 2014-08-16 12:24:21 UTC
So what's the deal with station food?

Watch_ Fred Fred Frederation_ and stop [u]cryptozoologist[/u]! Fight against the brutal genocide of fictional creatures across New Eden! Is that a metaphor? Probably not, but the fru-fru- people will sure love it!

Che Biko
Alexylva Paradox
#30 - 2014-08-16 14:46:23 UTC
A Gallentean, an Amarrian and a Caldari are exploring a jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.

The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Gallentean says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Gallentean says, "Long live the Federation." and drinks it down.

The Amarrian says, "A gun for me, please." The chief gives him a gun; the Amarrian points it at his head, says, "God save the Empress!" and blows his brains out.

The Caldari says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Caldari takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.

The chief screams, "What are you doing?"

The Caldari looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, a**hole!"
Mizhir
Devara Biotech
#31 - 2014-08-18 17:44:41 UTC
An automated shuttle was traveling with 4 persons on board: An Amarrian Priest, a Caldari Businessman, a Minmatar Elder and a Gallente Student. Mid route the ship A.I. fails and steers the shuttle towards the sun. Unfortunately only 3 of the escape pods are functional and the 4 passengers now have to make a choice.

"I'm richer and more important than any of you. I deserve to live" said the Caldari Businessman as he enters an escapepod and leaves.

"I'm God's chosen and I deserve to live" said the priest and left as well.

The Minmatar Elder turns to the student and said: "I have lived for many years and my life is going to end soon. You still got your future ahead of you and you deserves to live"

To which the Gallente Student replies: "Don't worry. The priest went out through the airlock so there are still 2 pods left."

❤️️💛💚💙💜

Rodj Blake
PIE Inc.
Khimi Harar
#32 - 2014-08-18 20:31:45 UTC
What do you get if you cross Rancer with a Mammoth?

Ganked.

Dolce et decorum est pro Imperium mori

Jandice Ymladris
Aurora Arcology
#33 - 2014-08-18 21:45:22 UTC
A woman and two men (one Caldari, one gallente) travel together in a coupé aboard a maglev train. As the train passes a tunnel it gets dark, a kissing sound is heared followed by a loud *SLAP*!

As they exit the tunnel, the Gallente man has a nasty red slap mark on his face.


The Gallente man thinks *darn, that opportunistic Caldari kissed that women, and she slapped me, thinking I did it...*

The woman thinks *that dirty Gallente must tried kissing me but accidentally kissed the Caldari and got slapped for it*

The Caldari thinks *This is great! The next tunnel we go through, I make another kissing sound and slap that uptight Gallente again!*

Providing a new home for refugees in the Aurora Arcology

Kucial Ghavera
Minmatar Republic
#34 - 2014-08-19 04:15:47 UTC
'Is your father in prison? Because if I was your father, I'd be in prison.'
Vizage
Capital Allied Industrial Distribution
#35 - 2014-08-19 04:37:02 UTC  |  Edited by: Vizage
Edit: It's been done.
Talas Dir
Super Happy Fun Corp
#36 - 2014-08-19 09:42:18 UTC
What do you call an Amarrian with a plate in his head?
An Amarrian

What do you call people in suits celebrating a birthday on Caldari Prime?
Gallenteans

A fledgling capsuleer corporation in Syndicate owned space was stumped on what Interdictor hull to use in his fleets, so he researched the companies to learn their design philosophies. He pulled the top suggested quotes from his GalNet search.

Heretic: Keep heretics from harming the Empire with this symbol of grace and power.
Flycatcher: Assume total control with this ship and keep enemies from going where they shouldn't.
Eris: Keep the bad thoughts in, and let the good thoughts spread to every open mind in New Eden.
Sabre: We are not responsible for the sudden disintegration of this hull. Pilots of Minmatar ships should already know what they're getting in to.

Why did he choose the Heretic?
Because he is Amarrian
Leopold Caine
Stillwater Corporation
#37 - 2014-08-19 11:52:48 UTC
A Kor-Azorite, Ardishapurite and Ammatar are discussing whose holdings are the largest.
The Kor-Azorite says:
"I get in my frigate and fly for 30 minutes to get to the edge of my demesne."
The Ardishapurite says:
"I get in my frigate and fly for 1 hour to get to the edge of my demesne."
The Ammatar says:
"Yeah, I had a frig like that too, so I sold it."


A Vherokior, Thukker and Krusual are about to be enlisted in the Republic Fleet, so they figure out a way to avoid it; they'll all cut their left hands off so they'll be deemed unfit for service.
The draft comes along and the announcer says:
"Vherokior, unfit for service, lacking left hand... Thukker, unfit for service, lacking left hand... Krusual, unfit for service, has flat feet."


Synthetic Cultist wrote:

This is Normally True, however, I am Informed that Leopold Caine has a Goat, named Henry, who is apparently a Senior Figure in the Angel Cartel.


These rumours are amusing, albeit slightly getting out of hand, dear.

Synthetic Cultist wrote:

An Amarr Person and a Gallente Person are Discussing:
The Gallente Person Questions: "How can you put a Value on a human Life ?"
The Amarr Person Answers: "Simple. You Ask the slave Valuer !"


I don't get it.
  • Leopold Caine, Domination Malakim

Angels are never far...

Stillwater Corporation Recruitment Open - Angel Cartel Bloc

Che Biko
Alexylva Paradox
#38 - 2014-08-19 19:50:23 UTC
Q: What did Leopold Caine say when he read that genetic engineers were implanting human DNA into goats?

A: "Hell, I've been doing that for years."
Xindi Kraid
Itsukame-Zainou Hyperspatial Inquiries Ltd.
Arataka Research Consortium
#39 - 2014-08-19 21:25:23 UTC
Stitcher wrote:
Two newbies autopilot through Rancer: boom boom.

I thought that was a public service announcement.

It's been a while since I visited any capsuleer training sties, but I thought they had started showing new recruits, Lowsec Systems and You
Johanes Beaumonte
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#40 - 2014-08-20 02:10:36 UTC
Two Friars lived in the Kor-Azor system. However, the friars were behind on their POS payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across the system thought this was unfair. He asked the good Friars to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the Friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious pod versus pod merc in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh podded the friars and bashed their POS, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
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