Out of Pod Experience

of people. This struggle is unlike anything I have ever experienced before, and it has turned me into the man that I am today. Going through the detox program taught me that I am not alone in this - this is an epidemic and its getting worse, not better. A few years ago, I would have argued with you had you told me that addiction was anything more than something in one's mind. I would have suggested that if you wanted to beat addiction, you need look no further than the mirror and choose to fix it. Unfortunately, that is BS. That isn't the way it works at all, and frankly, I learned that the hard way.

I haven't used again since my wife left. I went into the treatment program and I got clean. I went back to work in the middle of January and I have been driving ever since. Honestly there are days where my cravings get so bad that I don't know how I will make it through the day, and then I think about my son's face and the realization that I lost him and my wife, and reality sets in. That reality is enough to keep any man sober, and that reality is what I live by these days. My family is gone, and never coming back. However, my wife is allowing me to see my son whenever I want, with the stipulation that I must remain sober. The 1st time I screw that up is the last time I ever see my son - if that isn't motivation enough, I don't know what is. So thus far, I have managed to keep whats important to me at the forefront of my recovery, and by god, it has worked.

That brings me to my call for help. Really, it isn't help that I am after so much as advice. For those of you still here, I truly appreciate it. I know this has been a very long read, but I have nowhere else to turn. Addiction is devastating on many levels. The first and by far largest of those levels is financial. It completely ruined me and my family - I spent nearly half a million USD on pills and heroin, more than enough to bankrupt us and lose everything. We lost cars, our house, material things... you name it, and I sold it. In addition, 'borrowing' money from people became second nature. I could come up with stories that would absolutely blow your mind, heh. I literally came up with stories on the spot that were unbelievable, but I made them believable and people handed me hundreds of dollars, all of which I never paid back. If everybody came knocking at my door today and asked me to repay what I borrowed, I would likely owe $10-15k. I am ashamed that this is what I turned into. I am utterly despicable, and I have to live with that every single day - because frankly, that is NOT who I am as a person.

So I have been clean for 2 months. It has been a hellofa long road, but, I am truly grateful that I have been given another chance at life. Its not something that most people who suffer from this disease get, especially not without a criminal record. Through all of this, I managed to skate through without being arrested, without ODing, and without destroying my body. Its almost a miracle.

Now that my family is gone, I live alone. I have very few friends because I destroyed the relationships with the few close friends I did have. I have little to no family left - the only 2 people truly still in my life are my mother and father, and even those relationships are strained. Of course I have my son - he is the reason I continue every day. He is the one bright spot in a world of darkness, and I am utterly grateful that my wife isn't keeping him from me. Due to this, the advice I seek has to do entirely with my living arrangements. As I said above, I am an over the road truck driver and I spend 5-6 days a week on the road. My career allows me to end up 'home' every weekend, as I typically stay within a specific geographic region and I come back through my home city every weekend. I am debating, very seriously, going full over the road and driving through the entire country, thereby walking away from my house.

My house is on a land contract, one that I can walk away from any time without penalty. I am now a single man, responsible entirely for all household bills and debts as well as the monthly 'rent' (for lack of a better term - it isn't a mortgage, it isn't a lease, it isn't rent, per se). Ultimately, I spend $900 a month for rent. In addition, I have a lot of other expenses that are typical for a household - electricity, cable, propane, insurance - you know, adult stuff. I am very much considering walking away from the house and simply living in my truck for a few months in order to save money - and ultimately, I would literally save thousands of dollars per month. At this point, I am behind on absolutely everything (except for my car - I managed to hang onto a 2014 Toyota Corolla S - love the car - quite sporty, lots of fun to drive, 40mpg... I love it). All of my household bills are at least a month behind, and my rent is nearly 3 months behind. Fortunately, my landlord has been incredibly kind through all of this and has shown me that he is willing to work with me, but frankly - if I do stay in my current situation, it will take the better part of a year working 6 days a week just to break 'even.' If I was to leave, I would be able to pay what I am behind and literally start my life over in 6 weeks.

To me, that new start is exactly what I need. I have a bed to sleep on in my truck. I have a good job that will allow me to see the country during this new start. I have a beautiful 5 year old who gives me the motivation I need to start over. I can purchase a hotel room for $150 to spend time with him every couple of weeks, thereby giving me the time I need with him. Thank you for reading this far - I just need to know if giving up my home is worth it. Truly, if you're still here, I am grateful. This is the nightmare of my life, and my cry for help. Please refrain from trolling - I look forward to seeing what people have to say. Thanks again...

-Torylov

Aye, I have definitely considered the fact that starting a new life will not change anything from the past. I have to carry the weight of my actions with me no matter where I go and no matter what I do. Running away from problems will not simply make them vanish, and I accept that.

As for my debts - you're entirely right. The debts that I carry today are almost entirely from my previous life and choices that I made as an active addict. I have already accepted that even if I leave my house now and live out of my truck, I will still owe these debts and I will ABSOLUTELY take care of them. I will pay my landlord, as well as the electricity and cable bills, along with money that I owed to my father who helped me get through a difficult time before he realized the depth of my problem. So ultimately, the debts that I carry today will be paid off regardless of whether I choose to keep the house or let it go - I refuse to screw my landlord over, he has been a real saint through this devastating period of my life. I am prepared to go to work and to work hard to make enough money to cover the debts that I have currently - more or less, I am planning on giving my house up simply so I can start over AFTER all of my debt is paid off and after I have paid everything that is owed to everybody that I owe money to (thats sort of a convoluted sentence - I hope it makes sense).

Thanks for reading, and thanks for the reply. You're absolutely right in that hearing a stranger's opinion on this matter is beneficial - I have thought of all of the consequences and ultimately whats going to happen should I go forward with this, but, seeing a complete stranger voice his/her opinion on the matter definitely helps. Thanks again, and I appreciate the well wishes ^^

-Torylov

People say that addictions stay with you to the rest of life, so be careful not to slip again on that bad road. Cut all minor paths you can think off, that could lead you to it again.

And walk the better path more confidently, so it will be harder to turn away from it.

Hey there,

Thanks for sharing your story.
I was thinking of something a bit different for my first post but important stuff comes first :).

I've got but one advice for you : stop hating yourself for being weak to something ... everyone is.
There's no reason to blame yourself for the rest of your life just because you've tripped once, especially when you're back on your feet.

What you should focus on now is :
- educating yourself so that you can identify what triggers your addiction
- changing your ways so that you can avoid said triggers.

And whatever you decide, just make sure that you come clean with everyone you've wronged beforehand.
You'll never get a fresh start without wiping your ass properly ;).

Why not try getting with your wife again? You've been together for so long, you say that she supported you through a lot, I don't think that leaving you was easy for her either. Maybe try again? Invite her out for a coffee, have a chat. Start all over again, remember why you got together, what you like about her, what things you shared and what things you enjoyed doing together. I personally don't think that going away will be good for you. Of course, sometimes going away to clear your head is good, but in such cases we talk about more of a vacation or a trip to get to know an entirely new place. You, on the other hand, are, sorry for my frankness, running away from your problems.

These are the kind of situations when a human needs another human more than ever. Instead of going away you need the courage to stay and slowly start repairing the bonds that you broke, tie the yarns together again. Get new friends, maybe start friendship with old ones again, meet new people. I would suggest starting some activity. Anything that's of your interest. A GYM? Drawing? Literature meetings. Or maybe classes? Dancing, learning another language, drawing... Maybe do volunteer activity. You need to occupy your head with something. Starting these kind of activities is also a very good way to meet new people who share similar interests with yours.

Maybe have your son join something like the scouts and go to trips with him? Or just do more activities together. Take him to parks, zoos, theaters, spend as much time with him as you can. If you go away, it will not make your bonds stronger. Online calls are awesome, but they will never replace physical contact.

And if you do decide to go somewhere, then try to be alone as less as possible. Seriously, it will not do you better.

Well, those are my two coins. Sorry if it sounded inappropriate or rude at some point, but I honestly wish you the best of this world.

Fly Safe out there! o7

Maybe if you have not declared bankruptcy do so, clear debts, you may even get to keep the car for a much lower payment if you work with the bank during the proceedings. It will stay on your credit for 7 years, however if you have a steady job you should be able to get and start fixing that credit fairly fast.

Had a friend addicted to heroin as well, ended up in jail after reaching rock bottom trying to rob a gas station. Upper middle class guy, had every opportunity and family support, he's emotions got a better of him however, some people feel that emptiness, lack proper chemical levels and need a fix . He's ok now and doing well, leads a normal married life.

If that was your bottom, you should be ok, focus on your child. There is an old saying though, that wherever you go you take your baggage with you. My only suggestion is that you should have a plan, a series of short term plans that end in a goal, this always givers a sense of movement and gives purpose. Maybe try something creative work with your hands, seriously, some people sand wood to perfection, has a zen thing about it to take away a need for fix. You have to go from instant gratification to being still sometimes and in the end go outside and smell the wonderful fresh air...just walk away from the exhaust pipe :)

Be well, Cheers!

Guys, I wanted to take a brief moment to say thank you for all of the wonderful responses. I'll be honest - I really thought this post was going to get trolled like nobody's business and I really wasn't sure that anything good was gonna come from if, and yet here We are! Literally I am blown away by the positivity and the well-wishes that have been bestowed upon me and my family, as well as my overall recovery!

Honestly, I wasn't prepared for such an outpouring of support, haha. I needed a place to throw around my idea and to vent my fristration, but what you folks have done is given me so much more than support - you guys have given me hope... And hope is a truly powerful weapon.

The post above is also welcome as it gives a differing perspective...and one that I hadn't really considered. However, during my recovery I have actually learned that isolation is a powerful tool for me to use WHILE getting clean. Some people find being alone to be intolerable, but I am the opposite. Being alone is actually extremely beneficial to my recovery as long as I am in a foreign environment. If I simply sit alone somewhere that I used to frequently use, I start craving and bad thoughts enter my mind. So for me, driving and being alone in my truck is a real benefit to recovery because I won't have access to the drug (at least not through a normal 'source' or 'connect') and because it gives me a lot of time to think about what's important to me and how to ensure I prioritize those things.

So all that being said, I'm gonna close with this for night because I'm exhausted, I'm still not feeling well, and I'm freaking typing this in my cell phone (ugh!) - I am moving forward with the plan to ultimately live in my truck for a few months. This opportunity is going to allow me to really take care of whats important in my life as well put aside some financial support for my son, and that sentiment is priceless! This lifestyle is going to take some getting used ro and is going to require a fair amount od of sacrifice, but, I truly believe it will be worth it in the end. The house is just a material thing. I can replace that. I can never replace my son. So, I'm going to effectively start moving out this weekend and I'm going to start this new chapter of my life next week. I will continue monitoring this post, as well as updating it with my progress both on this new adventure as well as my overall recovery as time goes on. For now, rhough, I absolutely must get some sleep. Good night and thanks again for keeping this post positive and prodictive! Take care guys, I'll check back tomorrow.

-Torylov

A quick reboot is not usually good for people. It's best to maintain what assets you have, and take the time. Don't opt for the easy road 6 week payback, and lose what you have already invested, that's assuming I read you right and you have an investment in your house.

It's like a payday loan place in a ghetto, basically. It may be fast, but you're losing a lot if you choose that option. The best thing to do is take it slowly, and make sure you are recovered. Having responsibilities is the best way to make yourself commit to something. If your problems are 'clear' in just 6 weeks, the mental lesson didn't really have a chance to sink in, because subconsciously, you're gonna be thinking, 'that wasn't so bad,' even though it really was.

Not sure what you're gonna do, but I've always, without exception, regretted it when I've taken the easy way out. I don't do it any more.

Torylov,

I can't comment on the painkiller addiction as I do not have personal experience with this problem, and I know only secondhand information about this problem plaguing the US, which has ruined millions of lives.

As someone who has hit rock bottom, I think I might be able to offer you a perspective that others may not be able to, if they don't have the experience of having hit absolute rock bottom. I don't mean to insult anyone who has commented, I haven't even read all the replies, but the best perspectives you're going to find are from people who have experienced the sharp and jagged rocks that cut you open when you hit that rock bottom.

First, I'll address the opioid epidemic, which I don't have personal experience with:

John Oliver last year did an excellent, well-researched piece (albeit delivered comedically) that may give you perspective to help you deal with the feelings of guilt you may be having.
John Oliver - the Opioid Epidemic

You're not fully culpable for your problem, the pharmaceutical industry pushed these pills for years as safe/effective medicine, and now we're in the grip of a heroin epidemic as regulators and mental health professionals have found out the true cost of this negligence over the last few years, as a result of the reckless and dangerous claims the pharmaceutical industry made dating back to the 90s.

You're not a bad person. You were addicted to pills in a gradual, unwitting process that is a symptom of the larger failings of the system, of both government regulation and the pharmaceutical industry.

You're a victim, and the things you've done are symptoms of your victimization, not outright the acts of a perpetrator per say. The things you've done are a direct/indirect result of the failings of our system in approving opioids for mass prescription, the industry lying about their addiction potential, and the government turning a blind eye due to pharmaceutical lobbyists.

Secondly, I'll address the rock bottom experience and my perspectives:

I had a life-changing experience 6 years ago completely unrelated to drugs. It had to do with a completely false narrative that was launched against me while I was employed in government-related work, it was a teaspoon of truth mixed with a gallon of lies. It had blowback into other areas of my life and the compartmentalization I had until that point maintained between all the different aspects of my life completely broke down. I was a drowning man desperately reaching up to grab onto anything I could grasp to avoid drowning, but nobody wants to get dragged down with a drowning man.

It wasn't per say a criminal accusation, or anything like that, but I was seen as a threat to somebody's interests, and I got blackballed, and unjustly maligned to terrible effect. My own reactions to these unanticipated events didn't help anything either.

It completely destroyed my life, and I even found myself in India for a few months while I tried to recover from the wounds. Since then I've pursued a minimalist, efficient lifestyle. My overhead is low, my expenses are minimal, and my needs are few. I'm quite satisfied with my current life, far more than I was when I tried to compete in the rat race, as I have time to relax, improve the quality of my life, do things for friends and family that they need help with, and pursue lines of work that are lucrative yet require minimal hours.

If you can drive truck while maintaining a minimalist lifestyle, if you choose to take that path, do so. Have a strategy though and don't go off half-cocked. I don't know whether you own the truck or not.... you might be able to get away with a PO Box and sleeping in the top of the cab at truck stops in the meantime, or sign up for a mail forwarding service that opens and scans your mail and e-mails it to you. In the meantime you could start rebuilding your bank balance while freed from expenditure and material possession acquisition you can't afford.

I'd advise getting rid of all the excess property you might like but don't actually need, sell it gradually, and start anew from a smaller, more sustainable base. You can then grow from that smaller, more sustainable base. Your life is more important than material possessions, possessions don't make the man, the man makes the man. I would advise dispensing about caring about what people think about you on the basis of socioeconomic factors, such as a "nice" car or a big TV. Unfortunately in our country, there is an undue focus on material possessions and acquisition at the expense of quality of life.

Most of the people in our country have their transmissions in overdrive, redlining the RPMs with tens of millions taking psychiatric medications just to cope with a lifestyle that in reality is completely unsustainable, both for a human being as well as the world we live in. When that transmission gets thrown into reverse, it falls out and clunks about on the tarmac until it comes skidding to a stop.

I'm not advising ghettoizing yourself, but if you have home maintenance skills useful to a landlord, you could get a rental in a suburb/city at discount or even free as a live-in handyman. That would be an alternative to living in the top of a semi cab. With a minimalist lifestyle, at least for a few years, you can re-establish a sense of control and ownership of your own life, and have time at your disposal to consider other options/paths moving forward, that you might not be able to right now with your current schedule.

It might also be worth reaching out to your old Army buddies to see if you can get a change of scenery, if you choose to divest your unsustainable assets and expenditures. I'd advise moving somewhere where you may find elements of a pre-existing social network that you can easily fall back into, to network for additional employment/social opportunities.

$1,800 for 3 months of "expenses" payments at $900 per months was a figure that was too low by $900 , or a full month worth at the rate you referred.

$2,700 is the more accurate figure for 3 months of due , unpaid for, and possibly interest related value.


Also, what is the actual value of that property , real estate, house on a land deal?
is it worth more than the truck which is potentially worth $100,000+?
(Compared to my real estate offer, it would around 50% to 25%.)
Why is it not profitable to benefit from both sources of income instead of trying to justify one of the 2 being "too much" and as overload?

I myself was offered a house on a land in Eastern Europe which I could have sold for $59,100 profit or more overnight, and my fiancée could have use the money to get a family house there, if not in Central Europe.


+For some reason, I have not been offered a prisoner exchange program for some intelligence officer / agent yet,
although I was suggested to apply for it in 2007 just around 2 years before my mother died.


I am planning to go study in a law school that teaches military law, amongst other things.
I have never been in the army despite many applications, this last application would be the newest one at this time.
My whole family history is related to the US Army however, even if my sister says otherwise.
The military police confirmed with me about ongoing enmity directed at me from specific systems, times, goals, and so on.
It would make certain financial systems ineffective and worthless for me to deal with without an agent due to the targeting , restriction, penalties, aimed at me.

As for opiod, I have studied this enough to "know", understand, and put in practice methods not to be "addicted" to it, or suffer from physical side-effect from prolonged or short-term use, as I read, you have overcome, despite you writing about motivation in regards to why it would be tempting.

I think my family needs at least $30,000 to compensate for damage or penatly intended, if not political or better not to communicate this here due to policy or rules.
That would only cover for some of our life obligation and how we can bring benefit to society without including other business opportunity we may have, so as to prevent potential interference of business or other life long problems caused by intent to secure consent or other association or participation, including insurance systems from this system.
I would want to get evidence of why it would be better not to discuss it and in which places, if more than one, since it could interfere against our security not to know about it.

i'm just registered in a new drug study with an American company which has assets in Canada and both legal systems for regulations and have this new insurance denial warning which I have to inform the UN since I deal with the WHO (World Health Organization), my better half dealing with that system and no American continent medical systems.