Out of Pod Experience

I saw this rule in a locked thread in GD and recognized my behavior. I don't stop to think about things like these but when I'm reminded of them I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. This is an apology but I also want to explain a little bit about myself and perhaps illuminate the topic of player behavior in video games. Without an explanation this apology would also appear insincere.

I assume people are aware that I'm studying 3D Animation and Game Design. The logical next step is looking for work after completing my education as a 3D artist. It is also repeated in pretty much every conversation among industry professionals that it's a small community, and I've never doubted the truth of that statement no matter what the industry. So for me to apologize like this seems self-serving.

The only proof I can offer against this perception is explaining why I'm certain I am unfit for any corporate type of environment.

I'm studying a 3D discipline for rehabilitation and a chance at earning a living doing something I enjoy. Normal, well-adjusted people will hear that and think I'm just going through a career change. If you are a CCP or ISD you are probably one of those people. But no, I am diagnosed and experience chronic PTSD, and I've proven to fail at jobs like clockwork. If a company is big enough to have an in-house accountant, for example, my life expectancy there is 3 months max.

I might heal enough to resemble someone employable, but that's not going to happen within the next decade. If anyone says I'm an a-hole they won't be wrong and they won't be proven wrong. To avoid any more heartache I'm planning to work for myself. Even if I fail at that I will have the enjoyment of 3D art and new skills. It helps to get lost in something productive rather than destructive.

It hurts to look back because I know what I did is wrong. An even dumber truth is knowing there will be more examples in the future. It was my 3D BFA program director who let me know, within the bounds of his position as an educator, that I should think about not being an a-hole. I explained in writing what I'm explaining now, that I'm in these studies because stress turns me into a horrible person.

I try to put things behind me, but sometimes I am reminded by things like that locked GD thread. Sometimes an apology is owed because the effects are lasting.

CCP Bosun, CCP Veritas, ISDs especially Ezwal, I really wish I didn't say the things I do, and I wish I was the type of person who could be respectful and kind consistently.

The general player base will never know how much work goes into this. When they express themselves in that classic way, it is wholly a matter of what's going on with that person. Those things are possibly and probably outside of their control.