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Miner Bumping
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Branel Chuloner
Pator Tech School
Minmatar Republic
#1 - 2015-10-02 14:39:48 UTC
It was 24:12 when I got the call.
"Jack, we need you."

It was Amarr Local. My brothers, my sisters. They always called me when they were in trouble.
I told them I was on holiday so it must be serious. They always call me when its serious.

"Alright, ****." I said. "I'll be over in a sec."

I quickly warped over to Emperor Family Academy in my Confessor.
I past Tish's UsedCars at the undock, who recognized me and let me in straight away.

As I got to the elevator, loyalanon joined me on the way up.
"Whats up?"
"Trouble."
"They called me back from dicking around in wormholes. It must be serious."
"Always is." said loyalanon
"This time its high security spaces oldest enemy, FUNT, upto their old tricks again."
"Typical FUNT. Always being pricks in high-sec."
"I suppose they are after ISK again?"
"yup."
"Ok, I'll write a really bad fanfic about him then mail it to you soon."
Yucie gave me a warmhearted smile accompanied by a nod, and with that we stepped out of the elevator into the hangerbay where I began to start writing.

Meanwhile, James 315 was taking a ****.
He was having trouble though.
It felt like days passed and still no sign of release.

"Help..Errrr... ahhhh! Christ! when is this epic poo gonna pass!?" James 315 exclaimed, His face wincing with effort.
He made every effort in his little boy body to expel this demon thing from his womanly back side.

Just as James 315 was going in for another push..
Without warning the bathroom door suddenly burst open unexpectedly. Ahhhh!

"Well hello...James 315." a seductive noise whispered from the doorway.

A shadowy person stood leaning against the door frame. He deep, sensual voice which James 315 knew immediately. His mind began racing and a nervous sweat began pouring from his face.

"The guy I ganked earlier... is that you? wha- what are you still doing in high-sec...?"

He appeared in nothing but a towel, seemingly ready to take a steamy shower.
However He couldn't with James 315 near by.... and the carebear knew that James 315 had a guilty pleasure in miners. This random carebear was like his cocaine.
Any sane person would never allow another capsuleer to see them in the nude - let alone while now, rock hard.

"Oh I felt dirty from running my strip miners all day...ya ever feel dirty James 315?"
"Y-Yes, I mean NO! NO! NO! Never" James 315 shrieked, He became so immensely worked up he cleaned his colon clear of the demon feces that had been clogging it. His voice also cracked like he was 13 again, but in comparison to the loud flatulence he just unleashed, who cares? The random carebear heard though, and giggled just like you'd an expect a raggedy old man. It sent tingles all up James 315's spine.
"Oh you've always been the shy one in Amarr local, James 315..."

James 315 was not shy, at all. He defeated Empress Jamyl Sarum and blew up a concord shuttle e for Christ's sake! and now he suddenly found himself speechless. Was he going to see this old, dirty carebear naked? Was his darkest fantasy about to come true? Little did he know, that was merely a piece of tritanium in the rookie ship of carnal pleasures that was to come.

"..the shy and excitable one." said the random carebear finishing the sentence he had started earlier.

"Wh-what the..." and before James 315 could send the third word out of his mouth the carebear's towel dropped to the floor,revealing his swimsuit underneath. James 315 noticed everything on him instantly. His soft butt,his magically gravity-defying middle leg and the large caldari blue colored birth mark on his butt, which made him feel funny...as he had one there too.


Still, the sight of his near perfect body caused James 315 to feel funny in places he had never felt before.

"Hehe oh my, James 315...you're more impressive than I thought."
"Uh... ye-yeah, th-thaaanks miner, you're cute too." THIS IS SO WRONG! It raced through his head at lightning speed. That was a filthy highsec miner! But the beautiful, wet, soapy body that stood before him spoke otherwise. His shapely body was everything James 315 could want ...in a body to make use of.

But just as James 315 was commiting. Commiting to a path that they couldn't go back from..

loyalanon burst into the toilet!

"What are you two upto?!"
"Err..nothing." said James 315 as he causally slipped his pants back on.
The random carebear, who loyalanon didnt notice, picked up his towel and backed out slowly.
"Really?"
"I was just having a ****...see?" James 315 gestured to his ****.
"Oh, thats a **** all right! One hell of a ****!
Embarassed, James replied back. "Ok, if you're done I gotta' go."
So James 315 put his other pants on and left. He had a serious case of blue balls, but at least his anus didnt feel so bad now.
As he walked out The random carebear whispered one word. A word full of hope.
"Later."
James 315 giggled.

Now it was time in the story where I had shitposted enough and had to put together a team to take on FUNT. I first choose loyalanon, who I had called in specially as our outside expert.
I then choose Hans Wulfrum as they were good at nothing, and that nothing is something.
Also Shamus from our private army so we had someone disposable who wouldn't be needed in future stories.
I also choose myself, because I'm writing the story.
After everyone was chosen me and loyalanon started planning.

We were in the main planning room, there was a huge whiteboard, a projector, a screen, holograms and a blackboard.

This was the room where Jack and friends planned stuff.
Much of the good work we did started here.
Like the time we defeated Fweddit and they ran like little bitches to Caldari.
Or the time we saved the world from the drifters.
Or the time we stole a Phoenix.

I got out my pen and paper and started discussing the plan.
Branel Chuloner
Pator Tech School
Minmatar Republic
#2 - 2015-10-02 14:40:14 UTC
"I have been doing research and stuff in our database library. The ISK is hidden in his ability to shitpost on the internet."
"Ahh...it makes so much sense! Why didn't we think of it before!" said loyalanon
"Because it's ******* ******** and ****."
"Oh, right, of course."
"Now what?" said
"Now we educate Amarr local!"

With that we all undocked from the station to whore on pirate killmails and shittalk James in Amarr Local.

---
Later, James 315 and carebear were alone again.
"Its later." said carebear, pulling James 315 towards the bathroom.
"But what about the others?"
"I'll just tell them you are helping me shower. They wont suspect a thing, being so dirty."
"True. Everyone who believes the bullshit I post are all idiots."
Then, suddenly, the carebear was naked. James 315 wondered how He did that. He must have been nearly naked this whole time!
The shower turned on...
..James 315 was already setting his guns to overheat.

The random carebear lathered up good and fine. The soap dripped off His body at a seductively slow pace. James 315 could not contain the powerful urge of excitement that raced through his veins.
The alluring look of this nudie new fuckbuddy became too much for him to fathom and his body started sweating.

There James 315 sat, his camo pants pulled quickly down at his ankles, on a toilet full of poop with his tiny **** on full display, eyes bulging from his face.
The random carebear giggled as James 315's dignity shriveled and died, but James 315 had always enjoyed that delightful snicker, even after he found out that quafe halts your ability to maintain erections.
"Well...wh-what do we do now?" James 315 said, desperately trying to sound suave.
"It. We do it."
"It?"
"Yes. It."
"We do it?"
"Yes."
"Oohh.."
...and with that the dirty carebear jumped on James 315. What little remained of their clothes plopped off quickly. Some fell in the toilet.
"Um... lets g-get you outta my toil-dreams and into my bed." James 315 stuttered, desperately trying to be slick, yet he knew it was hopeless to be suave on the shitter.


When it was over they cleaned themselves, the room and the nearby bathroom down.
It took awhile - fortunately they finished before any of James 315's followers got back. So their little secret was safe...for now.

Once we got there we found our worst fears had already come to pass:
Followers of James were already there. Carebears were being ganked and spouting ******** **** from his blog.

"They are looking for the ISK!" said Hans.
"We have to beat them to it!"

We began sneakily and stealthy warping around Amarr. Unlike those fuckwits, we have logic trained to 5.

After a period of time looking, and with loyalanons help we found it before them.

"There is it is! At last!" I said, pointing to the blog of James, which vaguely resembled a huge ****.
"So it is" said Shamus, suddenly grinning.
"I guess then this charade is over!"

Shamus pulled of his mask and suddenly his face was James 315s!
I stood gobsmacked in the face.

"Yes, that's right Jack & loyalanon, it was me all along I, James 315 was Shamus the whole time!"

"I don't understand." said loyalanon. "Why?"

"That's easy. I knew I could never find the ISK without your help, and I knew you would never help me. So I became CEO of your current corp, and employed Jack. After that it was simply a mater of earning your respect, creating a threat and waiting for you to call, loyalanon."

"Creating a threat? You mean being a ****** on the internet? "

"Yes, that's right! Being a dipshit is just a ploy I used to get more ISK. It was all a elaborate set up to make you the spotlight for my next post!"

"Gosh, how could we have been so foolish." said loyalanon, a tear in her eye.

I was frozen still. My life had been a lie. I had believed in the 18th. Believed in what it stood for. Believed in the good work we had did. But it was a lie. It was all a front. It was all James 315 all along.
I pressed though the pain though. Maybe the 18th was a lie, but that didn't mean what its cause was meaningless. It didn't mean I had to surrender, to give up.

"No. I fight for the 18th and I will never give up. Regardless of you.."Shamus" (I said that last part sarcastically).
"That's right!" said loyalanon. "You might have fooled us. Made our lives a lie and stood in front of our nose the whole time, but you can never take away our spirit!"
"You foolish carebears. You are already defeated!" said James 315
"I have a whole army of retards at my command!"

Just then we were surrounded.
We were about to give up again when I remembered something.

"You can't fool us again James 315! These people are just retards who forgot to train gunnery to 5!"
With that me and loyalanon started scramming and webbing them, using our ECM when needed.
As they were actually carebears who had stared at asteroids for too long, they were easy to take out, leaving just James 315.
"Nooooo...my fake army...."

"And now its time for you!"

In perfect syncro-heroism me and loyalanon leapt at "Shamus", pulling off a massive 280mm arty volley fanfic tier combo.

"Arg..." said James 315 as he ran, in structure, towards the ISK.

But we did it again and again till he was in his pod. He was just a few meters from the ISK, it had been a close call.

"We won...but now what?" said loyalanon.

I looked around at our devastated lives.

"Only one choice. We rebuild the 18th and repair the years of damage it was secretly doing to Amarr Local."

The end.