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The Origins of Thera According to Bob
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Trinkets friend
Sudden Buggery
Sending Thots And Players
#1 - 2015-07-15 01:50:38 UTC
The following fragment of Lore was recovered from an Orca wreck found floating at a defunct Altar of Bob moments before the great Purge of TCU's yesterday.

"....and asked of Sister Vuvalina whenceforth came the system Thera.

Vuvalina said unto me, on condition of anyonymity, vouchsafed by my vows to secrecy and silence which comes as part of my initiation into the Order of Corpse Farming of Robert, Blood God of Anoikis, the following story about the origin of Thera.

"This talk of Sansha Kuvakei creating Thera is nonsense put about by the religious fanatics of Amarr, who worship the Empress as the sole Divine manifestation of theistic righteousness within New Eden. They seek a way to explain the inexplicable, to shore up their false idols and foul slave-taking cultural hegemon. After all, viewed through a warped prism of self-inculcated indoctrination, any explication must needs be warped by the prism of ideology, yes?

The truth about Thera is far less inimical. The facts speak for themselves. Do we not have outposts within that mysterious station? Are we not providing, essentially free of charge, a mechanism by which infantile douches can inflate their machismatic egoes in killing each other in cold blood? As a Sisterhood of space nuns devoted to peace, does this not strike you as unusual? How and why would we set up massive edifices in one system, when all of Anoikis remains uncharted and essentially uninhabited, except by autist journeymen phallus cobblers, ekeing out an existence much like hermit crabs from safizon; turtling up in their space stations like mewling children, vomiting infantile choleric verbal diarrhea into their local, believing that the forces of evil seek to steal what paltry sums of ISK they have hoarded in the bowels of their pathetic space edifces.

(here, I believe Vuvalina refers to the forces of Evil as being the Loot Fairy, sworn enemy of the One True Wormhole God and stealer of faction modules, eater of officer modules and desecrator of SMA kills. Perhaps she also refers to the lord of the underworld, swinger of the great Bat of Nerf, wielder of the Egg Timer of Anomaly Spawning and general catatonic rectum weasel, Fozzicus)

No, Thera was not Sansha Kuvakeis' secret lair. The truth is it was our sapphic holiday camp. The life of a space nun devoted to studying and cataloguing the ever-shifting sands of meta-level item nomenclature and cashing in loyalty points for Stratios chips is stressful and boring. From Simela to Ashokon, our sisters strive 23.75/24 hours a da to cater to neckbearded manchildren's needs to accumulate space bling and toss it against the wall in ever more peurile feuds ovr high security space customs office empires; it is wearing on the soul, and truth be told, all a space nun wants to do at the end of a long day's work as a mission agent handing out missions in Gonditsa because we hate these asperger nerds, is to have a hot rose-scented bubble bath, read a E.L. James Novel and rub one out with a vat of KY jelly and a rubber shlong made in the likeness of Mandingo.

Thus we set up a sapphic love retreat in Thera, and it was very popular. Soon thousands and thousands of nuns were taking to the giant bubble baths in space, draining AA batteries like Cap 800's in a triple XLASB bait Rokh, fuming in the loins. The danger was not apparent, for in a great orgiastic mind-meld, our POS gunner defence teams soon skived off work. Being cybernetically linked to dangerous Sleeper-tech POS defences in Thera, a multual frottage session soon culminated in an orgiastic synchronous climax of a hundred thousand heavily armed space nuns, and what you know as Caroline's Star was born of the resulting giant lesbian synchroqueef cumfart.

We learned our lessons, and this is why there are no station guns in Thera. We would prefer if our secret love retreat was 1.0 security status, but we do not want CONCORD to be around, because it is clear that what we do is illegal, and every time a man turns up in a cop uniform it turns into a male stripper incident."

~~ Localectomy Blog ~~
Erica Dusette
Division 13
#2 - 2015-07-15 01:57:55 UTC
Quite possibly the greatest thing I have ever read.

Trinkets friend wrote:
autist journeymen phallus cobblers, ekeing out an existence much like hermit crabs from safizon; turtling up in their space stations like mewling children, vomiting infantile choleric verbal diarrhea into their local, believing that the forces of evil seek to steal what paltry sums of ISK they have hoarded in the bowels of their pathetic space edifces.

Oh dear.

Jack Miton > you be nice or you're sleeping on the couch again!

Part-Time Wormhole Pirate ツ Full-Time Supermodel

▷ worмнole dιary + cнaracтer вιoѕ ▷ вσss
Apex Bex
Princess Aiko Hold My Hand
Safety. Net
#3 - 2015-07-15 02:07:46 UTC
I'm not saying it's the greatest post the EVE-O Forums have ever seen, but it clearly is.

Disciple of Bob
Lodestone Toyee
Inevitable Outcome
E.C.H.O
#4 - 2015-07-15 02:10:14 UTC
We don't go there anymore.
Iyokus Patrouette
University of Caille
Gallente Federation
#5 - 2015-07-15 02:23:09 UTC
I feel like a jilted lover right now.

---- Advocate for the initiation of purple coloured wormholes----

Erik Mercade
The Scope
Gallente Federation
#6 - 2015-07-15 04:44:15 UTC
This post made me hard as diamonds.

Sir Erik Mercade, the Jarl of J-Space, The Scourge of the Spaceways, and the Better Bear Baiter, by the bidding of Bob
Bob
Imperial Academy
Amarr Empire
#7 - 2015-07-15 05:54:00 UTC
No.
Barrogh Habalu
Imperial Shipment
Amarr Empire
#8 - 2015-07-15 06:13:17 UTC
Winthorp
#9 - 2015-07-15 07:25:57 UTC
Too many words for me.
Erica Dusette
Division 13
#10 - 2015-07-15 08:46:08 UTC
Iyokus Patrouette wrote:
I feel like a jilted lover right now.

Feels.

Been there recently. Didn't end well for the other person.

Jack Miton > you be nice or you're sleeping on the couch again!

Part-Time Wormhole Pirate ツ Full-Time Supermodel

▷ worмнole dιary + cнaracтer вιoѕ ▷ вσss
unimatrix0030
University of Caille
Gallente Federation
#11 - 2015-07-15 20:25:20 UTC
Thank you for dispearing the word of bob , trinkets friend!
Made bob send you lots of targets!

No local in null sec would fix everything!
Andrew Jester
Collapsed Out
Pandemic Legion
#12 - 2015-07-15 20:36:17 UTC
Erica Dusette wrote:
Quite possibly the greatest thing I have ever read.

Trinkets friend wrote:
autist journeymen phallus cobblers, ekeing out an existence much like hermit crabs from safizon; turtling up in their space stations like mewling children, vomiting infantile choleric verbal diarrhea into their local, believing that the forces of evil seek to steal what paltry sums of ISK they have hoarded in the bowels of their pathetic space edifces.

Oh dear.



Wait is he talking about me Shocked?

If thuggin' was a category I'd win a Grammy
Ilaister
Binary Aesthetics
#13 - 2015-07-15 22:19:42 UTC
A worthy - and clearly veracious - addition to the lexicon. Your dedication to WH lore does you a great service.

Quote:
giant lesbian synchroqueef cumfart


This phenomenon sounds... Interesting. Could it be duplicated....? For research?
Iyokus Patrouette
University of Caille
Gallente Federation
#14 - 2015-07-15 22:43:55 UTC
Erica Dusette wrote:
Iyokus Patrouette wrote:
I feel like a jilted lover right now.

Feels.

Been there recently. Didn't end well for the other person.



Now i feel even more sad, that Poor Gallente tower. . why do the innocent always suffer.

---- Advocate for the initiation of purple coloured wormholes----

Araikas Rhal
Hair-Trigger
#15 - 2015-07-16 01:03:36 UTC  |  Edited by: Araikas Rhal
For those wondering, the ritual used to appease Bob and thus grant access to such sekrets, simply involves at least a dozen corpses, a smartbombing Nereus, 200 +/- noobships. Take these to a low orbit around a J-sapce sun, add one part "WTF someone just blew themselves up with a bomb!" 3 parts Awoxing. Stir for one hour until downtime, then scrape off the 8/10 parts Aussie left on top.

I played other games in my past life. I must have done something wrong to be re-incarnated as an Eve player.
Erica Dusette
Division 13
#16 - 2015-07-16 01:05:08 UTC
Andrew Jester wrote:
Wait is he talking about me Shocked?

It's possible.

Iyokus Patrouette wrote:
Erica Dusette wrote:
Iyokus Patrouette wrote:
I feel like a jilted lover right now.

Feels.

Been there recently. Didn't end well for the other person.



Now i feel even more sad, that Poor Gallente tower. . why do the innocent always suffer.

It was the only way. Not something I'm terribly proud of (well, maybe just a little).

Call me. We can weep together.

Jack Miton > you be nice or you're sleeping on the couch again!

Part-Time Wormhole Pirate ツ Full-Time Supermodel

▷ worмнole dιary + cнaracтer вιoѕ ▷ вσss
Himnos Altar
An Errant Venture
#17 - 2015-07-19 05:37:19 UTC
Ilaister wrote:
A worthy - and clearly veracious - addition to the lexicon. Your dedication to WH lore does you a great service.

Quote:
giant lesbian synchroqueef cumfart


This phenomenon sounds... Interesting. Could it be duplicated....? For research?



That depends. do you know many giant lesbians?
Trinkets friend
Sudden Buggery
Sending Thots And Players
#18 - 2015-07-19 09:07:45 UTC
Lucy Lawless

~~ Localectomy Blog ~~
unimatrix0030
University of Caille
Gallente Federation
#19 - 2015-07-20 06:52:32 UTC
And what does the great bob, god of wormholes, think of the drifters?

No local in null sec would fix everything!
Braxton Tscharke
Royal Amarr Institute
Amarr Empire
#20 - 2015-07-20 09:38:12 UTC
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