Wormholes

You not attractive like sister so it okay. Maybe in many moon you be look okay. No today. Need many work.

Dearest Borg Unit 099, and 98 friends,

I am a nature lover like the rest of us. I fight hard to protect the environment of EVE, and preserve endangered species, restore habitat to its purest and unsullied original form. I certainly do my part in asteroid preservation, eliminating roid exploiting bots at the first opportunity. I do much conservation work in the field of Sleeper Drone Conservation, dealing with Sleeper poachers on a day to day basis, be it ganking them in sites, baiting them at planets in my totes legit Nereus, or spawning all the sites in every wormhole I enter to urinate in their cookware.

I will be sad to see the hordes of ISBoxeers go. They are a fantastic addition to all habitats of EVE, and I refer you to this documentary on how amazing it is to watch, for instance, the schooling behaviour of a fleet of IS Boxing Ishtars, Machariels, Hulks, bombers or Tornados, be they ganking you, ganking roids, or indeed ganking a whole system of Incursion sites.

However, being a true conservationist, as beautiful as it is to watch a game being destroyed by input multiplexing software, pushing up PLEX prices, resulting in a guy running 40 Skiffs and 20 security Oracles, alphaing ice belts in highsec and preventing the noobs from even accessing content, as with any ecosystem if a species becomes dominant it is incumbent upon the game wardens to cull the species so it does not throw the ecosystem out of whack.

True, we may see a rise in mineral prices as a result of the low-end abusers being petitioned and banned - after all, mining with 6 alts in hisec isn't harming too many. But we must take the good with the bad.

I hope you can accept that whilst introducing the wolf to eat deer may seem barbaric, it helps the ecosystem, from the grass to the birds to the insects.

Regards,

TF

Dear Trinket.

I have recently lost my second Archon in less then the same number of months in glory of Bob. Should I now biomass my carrier character as I'm obviously a triage 'bad'?

Dear TF
While trying to close a unfriendly WH once, i was told by my girlfriend i was doing it wrong. I was using a Dominix, which are almost as wide as they are long, so, i thought anyway, and obvious choice as it not only penetrates the hole, but touches most of the sides as well. She brought out her own Geddon, much longer then the Domi of course, but not nearly so shapely.
After a bit of thought i was hoping you could tell me which shape works best in your opinion? (Personally i think a bit of a "circular" motion made with the ship during entry would more then make up for any length *erm* shortcomings..............#vector of the ceptor vs. size of that which flies.
EDIT: Jokes on her, i just went through another hole while she was sleeping.

Dearest Araikas Rhal of Hedaleolfarber (or however you spell it),

I enjoy a stiff Armageddon is space peen pun as much as the next man, say no more, say no more! I always looked upon the Hyperion as a phallic marital aid with a ring upon it for her pleasure, and many have likened it to a butt plug. The Thorax hull itself is perhaps a small immature or pygmy wang - however, pygmy is an archaic and at times derogatory term so we should refer to them as Autochthons as is proper.

In all this discussion of holes and oddly shaped ships penetrating them, sliding back and forth from one side to the other, one must think of the pleasure gained by the wormhole in the congress of intercourse. We are of course space gentlemen and considerate lovers of wormhole orifices, so i shall take a quote from Space Cleo Magazine, from an article entitled "Ten Kinky Captains Quarters Secrets For Loving Your Wormhole"

1. Foreplay
Wormholes need a lot of time to go Stage 3. If she isn't in the mood, or you are too big, you may need to get her depolarized first. Orbit her entrance for five or ten minutes before trying to plunge inside.

2. Food play.
Nothing is hotter than drizzling chocolate sauce on your wormhole! leave tidbits of food lying around for your partner(s) to eat, such as a doubletapped orca.

3. Virgins require tempting
if your lover(s) are particularly shy, anchor a bubble and leave cans or corpses floating at the edges, or at about 7.5km to decloak your lover before engaging in coition.

4. Be gentle!
Your lover may be too small for your fleet members to fit through, which can be frustrating, so you may have to slip something smaller through. Most Class 1 ladies only accept medium sized members, but some only accept small members. For such tight situations, you can try a HIC, with a bit of wriggling!

5. Tackling
If your lovers are kinky you may want to tie them down with webs. Be a Daredevil and keep them from collapsing away with your 90% webs and instant lock time. Some lovers have a secret Rapier fantasy!

6. Blindfolds!
Remember, a bit of mystery is essential to spice up your love life in and out of the wormhole. Pack a cloak. The anticipation will have your lover tingling all over as she goes to work in the mines in her Mackinaw, and never knows when you'll leap out of the closet to ravish her.

7. Roleplay
Kinky fun can be had by taking on roles you would not normally do! Put on a costume, act out a charade, and see if your lovers are turned on by the act! Favorites are Nereus the Slutty PI Maid, the Dirty Mining Ferox, the Fuel Truck Orca and Sven the Site Running Pool Cleaner Nightmare, come to clean your C2 sites with his bulging Pith X-type XLSB.

8. Toys!
While rarely seen, a few kinky tools can be used to great effect to get reluctant lovers all hot and tackled. D-scan inhibitors, mobile microjump drive units and even suspicious mobile depots 300km off a POS are all sexy, kinky means of engaging in sexy fun-times!

9. Novel positions
Try one of the following positions and see if your lover is interested:
(images censored)

10. Bring a friend!
Solo PVp is so boring and difficult and unrewarding sometimes. Try spicing up your love life by bringing in a second lover to the wormhole. It is best if they are a logi bro, or maybe a neuting legion. But remember to play safe and wear a Falcon!

Dear Trinkets,

My CEO has a single minded obsession with a sexually inappropriate naming convention for fleet vessels that has led some to question the integrity of his frontal lobe and just what he is doing with all of the pod goo we harvest. Whilst we all enjoy bathing in the glory of pod goo to honour Bob [Hail Bob!], the idea that it is being used as a friction relief agent is quite distressing and dishonours the memory of our fallen foes.

Surely such transgressions will anger Bob and lead to our demise?

Bex.

Dear Friend of Trinkets:
Three in a row.
1. Is there any secret hardwire that'd prevent silly AFKness after football-induced Canadian brain trauma? (see AFK Moros J122 loss from a friend)
2. Are there any metaphysic transcendental means of controling one's rage when you come home from a 48h shift and have to download a patch at 50kbps, yet recieving [can't log, run 3x repair.exe, redownload full 15 giga client, delete some directories, run 5x repair.exe' .............. 'can't log yet, silly] messages?
3. How many Barrage S stacks does one need in order to fix Jester's face?

Ty in advance,

Your lowlife scrublord from

Dear Generaloberst Kluntz, of some random mobile depot in the back blocks of Aridia,

There is no limit to the amount of fixing which jester's face must undergo, for his is the face of Proteus, ever mutable from the effects of headdesk and genetic malformations. one may ' fix' his face in the morning and see it unfixed in the afternoon. indeed, his face is a moebius strip of ugliness; when one analyses his countenance and catalogues the myriad and infinite ways it disturbs the beholder, one firstly runs out of epithets and curses, then ways to equate it to the backsides of various beasts of burden, and comes back around to the start of the list.

indeed, the best thing to do is to not attempt to fix jester's face, but to accept it for what it is - a potent force of nature, dredged up from the stinking black mud at the bottom of the Rivery Styx like some rotten fossilised bone of an extinct ten-anused jackalope precursor, sent into the world to make even fat basement dwelling nerds like ourselves feel sexy and smart and suave.

As fr your AFK problems, one must refer to the fate of Noah, the last antediluvian patriarch. Besides living 950 years (it's a fact, look it up) and siring three sons, who were all younger and/or older than one another and ran whole nations because that's what you do when you're the son of a 950 year old dude, Noahwas one for the wine. Jesuit scholars in the middle ages theorised that Satan put a curse into wine, caused by mixing the blood of some animal with the juices of the grape, which caused intoxication. In Canada, you brew beer with beaver blood, and are thus cursed to have hockey riots, and therefore lose dreads.

Blame not yourself, and begin drinking imported beer. Satan has not cursed Australian beer the same as he has cursed Labatts. I recommend something from Tasmania, where the brewers have two heads and hat factories make twice the profit. Sozzle thine self with good beer and you will be capable of staying at keyboard long enough to get home safely.

Regards,

TF

I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE WHY ARE YOU EVEN TRYING TO STEP UP YOU CANT HANDLE IT SON DO YOU SEE THIS FACE ITS THE FACE OF A MAN WHO HAS SLAUGHTERED COUNTLESS EMPIREBITCHES TRYING TO STEP TO THE GURISTAS GET AT ME

Through these goggle he still looks (and sounds) like the same lovable r*tard I married.