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The jokes thread

Author
Indahmawar Fazmarai
#1 - 2014-08-16 09:09:49 UTC
Doh, the rubbish jokes thread was locked... so I'll have to start a thread for this alone:

"Joe, pal, yesterday I went home drunk and my wife gave me a hell of a beating... does your wife beat you too?"
"Nae Sam, dude. When I go home drunk, we just play The Exorcist"
"The Exorcist??"
"Yay, she yells at me and I puke all over the place..."
Ralph King-Griffin
New Eden Tech Support
#2 - 2014-08-16 10:08:40 UTC
two tomm's and a snare fall off a cliff
Adunh Slavy
#3 - 2014-08-16 11:56:17 UTC
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.  - William Pitt

Zeta DuRaine
Has Cloning Gone Too Far
#4 - 2014-08-16 12:17:39 UTC  |  Edited by: Zeta DuRaine
A γσųŋɠ þσℓąŗ ɓεąŗ ƈąɱε ïŋŧσ ɧïş đεŋ ąŋđ ąşҡεđ ɧïş ɱσŧɧεŗ, "Mσɱ ąɱ I ą ŗεąℓ þσℓąŗ ɓεąŗ?"
"O∱ ƈσųŗşε γσų ąŗε." Hïş ɱσŧɧεŗ ŗεþℓïεđ.
Tɧε γσųŋɠ þσℓąŗ ɓεąŗ ąşҡεđ ɧïş ∱ąŧɧεŗ. "Dąđ, ąɱ I ą ŗεąℓ þσℓąŗ ɓεąŗ?" "Yεş, γσų ąŗε ą ŗεąℓ þσℓąŗ ɓεąŗ."
A щεεҡ þąşşεđ ąŋđ ŧɧε γσųŋɠ þσℓąŗ ɓεąŗ ąşҡεđ ɧïş þąŗεŋŧş, "Aŗε ɠŗąŋđɱą ąŋđ ɠŗąŋđþą ŗεąℓ þσℓąŗ ɓεąŗş?"
"Yεş" şąïđ ɧïş þąŗεŋŧş.
Aŋσŧɧεŗ щεεҡ þąşşεđ ąŋđ ŧɧε γσųŋɠ þσℓąŗ ɓεąŗ ąşҡεđ ɧïş þąŗεŋŧş, "Aŗε ąℓℓ ɱγ ŗεℓąŧï√εş ŗεąℓ þσℓąŗ ɓεąŗş?" "Yεş, ŧɧεγ ąŗε ąℓℓ ŗεąℓ þσℓąŗ ɓεąŗş." Sąïđ ɧïş þąŗεŋŧş. "Wɧγ đσ γσų ąşҡ?" ŗεþℓïεđ ɧïş ɱσŧɧεŗ.
"Bεƈąųşε," şąïđ ŧɧε γσųŋɠ þσℓąŗ ɓεąŗ, "I'ɱ ∱ųƈҡïŋɠ ∱ŗεεẕïŋɠ!"

-.-

Ralph King-Griffin
New Eden Tech Support
#5 - 2014-08-16 18:25:09 UTC
Solecist Project
#6 - 2014-08-16 19:35:50 UTC  |  Edited by: Solecist Project
Ralph King-Griffin wrote:
please stop that
Report her.



A ******** kids walks into an icecream shop.

Kid keeps banging his right hand onto his forehead ...
... BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG ...
... his left hand banging against his thigh ...
... BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP ...

... and he looks at the icecream shop guy and yells ...

... I WANT ICECREAM I WANT ICECREAM I WANT ICECREAM!


So the icecream shop seller says OKAY OKAY I'LL GIVE YOU ONE FOR FREE!!! ...
... and hands him the icecream into his right hand.

Kid says THANKS ...
... is SOOO happy he has icecream ...
... totally focused on it ...


... smiling widely! :D ...





... turns around ...





... starts walking ...








... BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!!

That ringing in your ears you're experiencing right now is the last gasping breathe of a dying inner ear as it got thoroughly PULVERISED by the point roaring over your head at supersonic speeds. - Tippia

Ares Desideratus
UNSAFE SPACE
#7 - 2014-08-16 19:45:26 UTC
Why did the koala bear fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.

Why did the nun get pregnant? Because somebody banged her.
Cynter DeVries
Spheroidal Projections
#8 - 2014-08-16 19:54:56 UTC
Don't make fun of fat girls with lisps, they're thick and tired of it.

Cynter's Law of feature suggestion: Thou shalt not suggest NPCs do something players could do instead.

Trin Xi
#9 - 2014-08-16 22:53:44 UTC
An American man goes to Ireland for a vacation. In the middle of the trip he stops off in the pub of a small, quaint town. Soon, he locks eyes with an older Irish gentlemen sitting at the bar. The Irishman waves him over to have a drink.

"The name's McClarney", he says. "I built that bridge over on the far side of town... but they don't call me McClarney the bridge-builder, do they now?"

"Well, I guess not", says the American.

"And look over yonder, do you see that chapel in the middle of town? I built it all by myself using stone that I hand-cut... but they don't call me McClarney the stonecutter, do they now?" says the Irishman.

"Um, we-" the American tries to interject before he is interrupted.

"And I made just about every window for every house in this entire town, by hand, and yet, it's not like they call me McClarney the glass-blower. But you *enjoy* one goat..."

Post with someone else's main™.

Xenuria
#10 - 2014-08-19 05:00:54 UTC
A old friend from college and I were at a pub. She asked me how I function with everything I know.
I responded "I'don't"
Mudkest
Contagious Goat Labs
#11 - 2014-08-19 09:24:43 UTC
an undertaker walks into a doctors office, sais the doc "Wow that's a bad coffin"
Pepper Swift
Perkone
Caldari State
#12 - 2014-08-19 12:54:05 UTC
When life gives you melons you might be dyslexic

What I need most.. is a day between Saturday and Sunday...

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic

Adunh Slavy
#13 - 2014-08-19 13:02:04 UTC
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them.

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. 'Cheeseburgers? Nope! We got spaghetti and blankets.

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.  - William Pitt

Debora Tsung
Perkone
Caldari State
#14 - 2014-08-19 13:22:51 UTC
Zeta DuRaine wrote:
A γσųŋɠ þσℓąŗ ɓεąŗ ƈąɱε ïŋŧσ ɧïş đεŋ ąŋđ ąşҡεđ ɧïş ɱσŧɧεŗ, "Mσɱ ąɱ I ą ŗεąℓ þσℓąŗ ɓεąŗ?"
"O∱ ƈσųŗşε γσų ąŗε." Hïş ɱσŧɧεŗ ŗεþℓïεđ.
Tɧε γσųŋɠ þσℓąŗ ɓεąŗ ąşҡεđ ɧïş ∱ąŧɧεŗ. "Dąđ, ąɱ I ą ŗεąℓ þσℓąŗ ɓεąŗ?" "Yεş, γσų ąŗε ą ŗεąℓ þσℓąŗ ɓεąŗ."
A щεεҡ þąşşεđ ąŋđ ŧɧε γσųŋɠ þσℓąŗ ɓεąŗ ąşҡεđ ɧïş þąŗεŋŧş, "Aŗε ɠŗąŋđɱą ąŋđ ɠŗąŋđþą ŗεąℓ þσℓąŗ ɓεąŗş?"
"Yεş" şąïđ ɧïş þąŗεŋŧş.
Aŋσŧɧεŗ щεεҡ þąşşεđ ąŋđ ŧɧε γσųŋɠ þσℓąŗ ɓεąŗ ąşҡεđ ɧïş þąŗεŋŧş, "Aŗε ąℓℓ ɱγ ŗεℓąŧï√εş ŗεąℓ þσℓąŗ ɓεąŗş?" "Yεş, ŧɧεγ ąŗε ąℓℓ ŗεąℓ þσℓąŗ ɓεąŗş." Sąïđ ɧïş þąŗεŋŧş. "Wɧγ đσ γσų ąşҡ?" ŗεþℓïεđ ɧïş ɱσŧɧεŗ.
"Bεƈąųşε," şąïđ ŧɧε γσųŋɠ þσℓąŗ ɓεąŗ, "I'ɱ ∱ųƈҡïŋɠ ∱ŗεεẕïŋɠ!"

If you can read that you spend to much time on the internet.

Stupidity should be a bannable offense.

Fighting back is more fun than not.

Sticky: AFK Cloaking Thread It's not pretty, but it's there.

Hengle Teron
Rorquals Anonymous
Two Maidens One Chalice
#15 - 2014-08-19 14:56:49 UTC
The other day my 16 year old daughter announced to me:
"Dad I'm pregnant. Me and my boyfriend decided we are keeping the baby."

I shook my head in disappointment:
"Its 'My boyfriend and I' "
RoAnnon
Republic University
Minmatar Republic
#16 - 2014-08-19 15:57:19 UTC
A penguin is on vacation, driving his convertible Lincoln at a very high speed down the interstate through the desert in Arizona, because all penguins like to drive fast in expensive cars. The wind is fluttering the feathers on his head, he's happy as a penguin could possibly be doing 85 in a Lincoln convertible, when there's suddenly a loud bang under the hood. All the dash lights come on warning of something wrong.

Oh No! he thinks as he pulls over to the side of the road and the car dies.

He gets on his cell and calls AAA, because all Penguins have AAA, and in no time a tow truck shows up and takes his car into the nearest small town.

The mechanic tells him it'll take about an hour to figure out what's wrong with the car.

The penguin can't imagine what he's going to do for an hour when he spots, across the highway, an ice cream shop.

WOW! This penguin really loves ice cream (they all do, in fact), he's suddenly happy all over again as he goes over into the shop and orders up all the vanilla ice cream he can eat. He's deliriously happy shoveling all the ice cream he can into his beak, as fast as he can. He's not being neat about it, it's dribbling down his beak and onto his chest feathers.

He glances at his Rolex, because all penguins have Rolexes, and sees it's been over an hour. Woops. He hops up, pays for the ice cream and rushes back to the auto shop.

"Hey, did you figure out what's wrong with my car?" he asks the mechanic. The mechanic replies.

"Looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no!" the penguins says, wiping his beak. "This is ice cream!"

So, you're a bounty hunter. No, that ain't it at all. Then what are you? I'm a bounty hunter.

Broadcast4Reps

Eve Vegas 2015 Pub Crawl Group 9

Houston EVE Meet

Debora Tsung
Perkone
Caldari State
#17 - 2014-08-19 21:17:35 UTC
Two cows are sitting on the branch of a hilariously large tree, knitting some pullovers for their nephews, when suddenly along comes a flying pig, greeting them cheerfully, commenting on the beautifull day and congratulating them to their new grand children.

The cows stare at the pig intensely for a few seconds then close their eyes and shake their heads in disbelieve, one saying "whoever heard of a flying pig..."

Stupidity should be a bannable offense.

Fighting back is more fun than not.

Sticky: AFK Cloaking Thread It's not pretty, but it's there.

Debora Tsung
Perkone
Caldari State
#18 - 2014-08-19 21:18:33 UTC
RoAnnon wrote:
A penguin is on vacation, driving his convertible Lincoln at a very high speed down the interstate through the desert in Arizona, because all penguins like to drive fast in expensive cars. The wind is fluttering the feathers on his head, he's happy as a penguin could possibly be doing 85 in a Lincoln convertible, when there's suddenly a loud bang under the hood. All the dash lights come on warning of something wrong.

Oh No! he thinks as he pulls over to the side of the road and the car dies.

He gets on his cell and calls AAA, because all Penguins have AAA, and in no time a tow truck shows up and takes his car into the nearest small town.

The mechanic tells him it'll take about an hour to figure out what's wrong with the car.

The penguin can't imagine what he's going to do for an hour when he spots, across the highway, an ice cream shop.

WOW! This penguin really loves ice cream (they all do, in fact), he's suddenly happy all over again as he goes over into the shop and orders up all the vanilla ice cream he can eat. He's deliriously happy shoveling all the ice cream he can into his beak, as fast as he can. He's not being neat about it, it's dribbling down his beak and onto his chest feathers.

He glances at his Rolex, because all penguins have Rolexes, and sees it's been over an hour. Woops. He hops up, pays for the ice cream and rushes back to the auto shop.

"Hey, did you figure out what's wrong with my car?" he asks the mechanic. The mechanic replies.

"Looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no!" the penguins says, wiping his beak. "This is ice cream!"


somehow i expected the penguin to be run over by another penguin in another convertible lincoln... Shocked

Stupidity should be a bannable offense.

Fighting back is more fun than not.

Sticky: AFK Cloaking Thread It's not pretty, but it's there.

Indahmawar Fazmarai
#19 - 2014-08-19 21:59:14 UTC  |  Edited by: Indahmawar Fazmarai
Debora Tsung wrote:
RoAnnon wrote:
A penguin is on vacation, driving his convertible Lincoln at a very high speed down the interstate through the desert in Arizona, because all penguins like to drive fast in expensive cars. The wind is fluttering the feathers on his head, he's happy as a penguin could possibly be doing 85 in a Lincoln convertible, when there's suddenly a loud bang under the hood. All the dash lights come on warning of something wrong.

Oh No! he thinks as he pulls over to the side of the road and the car dies.

He gets on his cell and calls AAA, because all Penguins have AAA, and in no time a tow truck shows up and takes his car into the nearest small town.

The mechanic tells him it'll take about an hour to figure out what's wrong with the car.

The penguin can't imagine what he's going to do for an hour when he spots, across the highway, an ice cream shop.

WOW! This penguin really loves ice cream (they all do, in fact), he's suddenly happy all over again as he goes over into the shop and orders up all the vanilla ice cream he can eat. He's deliriously happy shoveling all the ice cream he can into his beak, as fast as he can. He's not being neat about it, it's dribbling down his beak and onto his chest feathers.

He glances at his Rolex, because all penguins have Rolexes, and sees it's been over an hour. Woops. He hops up, pays for the ice cream and rushes back to the auto shop.

"Hey, did you figure out what's wrong with my car?" he asks the mechanic. The mechanic replies.

"Looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no!" the penguins says, wiping his beak. "This is ice cream!"


somehow i expected the penguin to be run over by another penguin in another convertible lincoln... Shocked


I think that that's a part of another joke, the one that says:

Why did the penguin step down from his convertible Lincoln?
Because he had run on another penguin who had step down from his convertible Lincoln.
Adn why the dead penguin stepped down from his convertible Llincoln?
Because it dind't knew how to drive, it was just a bloody penguin!
Pepper Swift
Perkone
Caldari State
#20 - 2014-08-19 23:09:49 UTC
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

What I need most.. is a day between Saturday and Sunday...

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic

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