EVE Fiction

Professor Einstein once said that only two things are endless, Space and Human stupidity, although he wasn't sure about the space.

Let me start at the beginning

It all started on one faith full night at Apanake station. I was enjoying my Bubblegum shake as per usual wobbled not shaken ( i'm fancy that way) when i was approached by an agent of the (H)SoE (don't ask me what the H stands for). Apparently some men of uncanny character kidnapped a very important woman, i never got her name though, i only knew her as the Damsel...very cloak&dagger-ish.
Obviously i looked like the man for the job...who would drink a bubblegum shake in a bar full of cutthroats and gangsters...i just don't give a rats ass. My job was to get the damsel back by any means necessary from their Pleasure Gardens..i supposed it was a metaphor for a nowadays Bastila, or torture chamber.

Being the hero i am i set out immediately to rescue the damsel in distress in my trusty Maelstrom fitted with 1400mm artillery (i prosaically call it The Flak Bus) and a MJD unit to get out of those pesky situations thinking nothing could go wrong...oh how i was wrong...

I got to the rendezvous point and was immediately set upon by gist thugs, i dispatched them quite easily mind you, but they kept coming and they kept on coming for another half an hour...it was a very weak attempt at my and my crews life, they think that flying a half scrapped Machariel is something ''special'', they learned otherwise. And krull was really funny, he was supposed to be some big shot tough guy from the stories i heard about him in at the space bars where i enjoyed my hardcore wobbled bubblegum shake, but my guns chewed him up and spat out space dust...easy really...After all were dead and the deed was done we set our eyes on the prize...searching far and wide for the rumored ''Pleasure Gardens'', after a while we found it, a huge complex of towers tubes and something that awfully looked like a Biodome... after closer inspection we found out it was a damn brothel no less, my men immediately burst in joy saying they are looking forward to ''liberating'' the damsel...whatever that means...you see i'm a gentleman...i'm waiting for my true love. It has absolutely nothing to do with the medical personnel screwing my clone in a very inconvenient way.I just had to accompany them down to the gardens to ensure the safety of aforementioned damsel, plus a little curiosity never killed anyone right?...RIGHT?

I left my ship in a very capable hands ( or so i thought) of my second in command Mr. Hannibal Von Überbastard. Don't let the name fool you, he was a real charmer. Well we went down the rabbit hole to investigate the Gardens of new Eden as they were named, it was really nice (for a torture pit) i gave my men permission to ''investigate'' and went on by myself to look for the famed damsel, after a while i indeed did found her and we were on our way back when i saw my second in command coming from a room named The Black hole - journey to heaven... i immediately went to properly spank his sorry ass when we heard the comms crackle and my now hysteric comm officer screaming WE ARE UNDER ATTACK, THEY CAME OUT OF NOWHERE...we promptly made our way to shuttles and i into my cozy little capsule and hurried back to the ship, we saw that she was very badly damaged and on the brink of collapse, that bade us push our engines that more harder. We almost didn't make it through the hailstorm of shrapnels and bullets coming our way. When i got to the bridge i started maniacally smashing buttons hoping i would save this huge disaster. I somehow found my way to the shield boosters and deflection fields and immediately hit the MICRO JUMP DRIVE ME button and watched as the counter went down and hoped we would still get out of this mess and i wouldn't end up as a neatly packed capsuleburger...
when the counter reached 0.80 milliseconds i really thought we will make it...then i looked to my helmsman and saw his grim face as he saw our shields fail completely our armor smashed to bits and hull integrity failing rapidly and then it hit me... we are actually going to die...AGAIN...i turned to Mr. Hannibal and all i could get myself to say to him was Mr. Hannibal SUCK MY DI....

So now i'm floating in my capsule looking at my formerly pimped out ride, now nothing more than a scrapheap of space junk
thinking if i should be angry or laugh hysterically..probably both..oh well time to fly like a boss to jita 17 jumps in my capsule for a new ship which hopefully will have a brighter future now that my brainless comrade is a space corpse sickle and if i die before i get to Jita please bury me on some drone infested asteroid head down so everyone can kiss my arse.

Captain ****** signing off

PS: I'm looking for a new crew, pros- great health insurance and benefits, generous cuts and leisure activities. cons- you can die a horrible burning death...send your applications to EvEmail to our new quartermaster Mr. Hamburger Cranium.