Out of Pod Experience

I think it is time for OOPE to have a sub section called "Romance and dating"

OP that's not how it works. you can't control people, but you have to take some responsibility for who they find attractive if that person is you. one of the great things about being a person and especially a single person, is having the freedom to improve or reinvent yourself. I don't know what those things might be for you, but to get an idea you could view yourself from someone else's perspective and ask yourself what they would find attractive. also, you could find out from women what things they already find attractive about you and emphasize those things. at the least you'll be more aware.

men too. some men might be able to tell you what's attractive about you.

things that cause them to think you're a 'step up' from the last guy they dated in some way, are good.

it's also asking for a lot when someone says they're looking for a regular dating partner. especially if you're talking about it early on, -way- early on, she can't really answer the question of whether she would enjoy dating you if she doesn't even know if she would enjoy hanging out ...you know?

what that means is, while thinking about the things you might want to consider changing, think about what she would see about you and what she would figure out about you in the first few minutes. i'm sure you've heard some statistics about 'we make up our mind about someone within 3 seconds' and I sort of agree, but i think if it's a 'yes' it can still become a 'no' and the trick is to minimize the things that would make her start to think 'no'. that's a lot of things, stressors like discomfort, social pressure, or inconveniences... spending money, committing to a schedule, needing to study, .... a whole bunch of things. and talking about dating is a big leap

be in the moment, remember that before she can make up her mind about anything in the future she has to know if she likes you right now. and those things you imagine yourself doing with someone you're dating? do them now. if you are having fun, keep having fun, prolong it with an invitation to something either she mentioned or you mentioned, even a soda from a vending machine "come with me~"

there are a lot of things that have nothing to do with gender. it's easy to think 'it's just because girls' when you're interested in women, and aren't posing the same questions to your interactions with men. so there are some things that are true for men and women. like, 'if my ex sees me with this person will they be crushed because this one is better than them in every way' and 'will my friends think less of me or more of me for being seen with this person'

asperger's might mean it's difficult for you to see things from other people's perspectives, but you gotta try. a good place to start is thinking about girls you don't like and accepting the fact that people simply have preferences for what they like and don't like (and are attracted to).

for example... that grenade picture in the article you linked... is not taking one for the team. it is more like taking three

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I think we all just want someone who makes us feel good about playing doctor.

i want to read more squirmy posts by the afflicted.

yes, she is our little ball of fire

did this thread just get weird, or has it been weird

lol no, i've been accused of that before, but I did not copy and paste anything. I'm just responding to your posts with things I think you're ready to hear. you know, good communication and addressing a topic at an appropriate level.

I used to be clueless, and I think a lot of people start that way. can be fixed with effort. I began my 'journey' while I was deployed in afghanistan in 2005-06. I needed something to keep my mind occupied while I was awake & bored, so i began ordering/reading self-help books and programs on love/women/dating/attraction and spent about an hour each night absorbing. within 6 months of returning to the US I met and courted the girl who would be my first wife, so I consider it a success... but also proof that you should be careful what you wish for.

It is also dangerous because not all of what you'll find will apply to your life. it will yield 'success' but that success might be more appropriate for someone else. so I'd say most of my time has been filtering the good and relevant stuff from the rest. ...learning how to apply it in my own life.

just to be thorough and keep an open mind, i've looked at new books and theories about sexuality... it's an ongoing thing. you change, the world changes, so it's not a matter of learning it once and winning forever. it becomes part of your life, and you build a set of tools to use when you need them.

so i guess if there's anything worth taking credit for, it's having organized what i've absorbed into something coherent.

I would call it experience but it's more like experiments lol

about that article: I sense a lot of frustration in the author's tone, and overall it's very... accusational. I'd say the author places a lot of blame outside himself, which means he's wasted energy that he could have spent improving himself or his odds.

as for odds, i'm studying in los angeles by choice, as in I decided to live away from my parents and sisters or any stable support, so that I could be around tons and tons of women. there was a moment in iraq (2011) when I decided I would never again cause myself to become isolated from proper cities. like the author of the article, I was frustrated and probably thought some of the same things about women. but those problems were solved by being here, in a city where i can walk into any store or restaurant or business and start talking to a cute/young girl who works there (and is captive to my company lol). ...for example.

come to think of it, girls working at some place or other, who are free to talk with you as they work, is a great place for conversation. they're on the clock and they have nowhere to go, so if you're interesting at all, you're a huge relief in their boredom. anyway.

there's something else about online dating that you should keep in mind. women on those sites receive thousands and thousands of replies, all of them positive, just for being female. you should try it sometime, and make a fake female profile... just think of it as good research. instead of trying to overcome that aspect of online dating sites, which will always be the case, you can solve the problem of isolating her attention by only engaging them when they're isolated. like in a dark alley in passing out in public, or on break between classes, or while she's restocking a shelf at work.

That's some remarkable "beta" attitude you got there.

and to think...i'm not even from Toronto

i was just thinking back... if they aren't single they're dying to ditch a ****** boyfriend. sometimes husband, but I don't have sympathy for those cases.

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not wanting to be all talk, I went through the motions today and had one of my classmates over to study. followed through with a step 4. I offered during break between classes, and she got giggly &/so i just let her do the talking. I walked her to her car, and she dropped me off at mine. then she followed me home and we hung out with my roomies and talked about school and chem.

I used to drive a 2007 mercury grand marquee. it was roomy and had a nice V8, but I decided that a cool car would be a good passive way to spruce up my image. anyway

it just ain't no thang, really.

20. cute. really cool. has friends so I'm thinking she's a golden goose. ...and you don't consume a golden goose.

Valentine's day is coming up. we'll see what she's wearing Wednesday

random ... funnies. (custom shirts I had made a while back). after my divorce.

weird? no, this thread isn't weird. btw you're about to turn your head sideways.

I was wondering where you went.

man I really suggest not dating at work. things like that will follow you to your next job, when your new boss and old boss talk with each other about you, as part of the hiring process. I know it sucks/you don't have to tell me about it.. i was in the military and it was mostly male. I only limited myself to outside of my battalion, but most of the time the only people i saw were my own battalion.

there's something you should know about girls/women... while men will make an issue of things as they come up, and break up with their significant other when it's necessary, women will keep quiet and start looking for someone else, and not break it off until she has someone to go to. "they always keep one foot in the door" is how my close friend describes it. so my point is you shouldn't worry about it when she mentions she has a boyfriend, or a fiancee, even.

cuz sometimes when they mention a boyfriend, they're just letting you know that spending time requires some considerations. ...but it's not a no or a shutdown. (though personally, I don't bother with married women, or moms. thankfully, I have simpler options)

I've been on both sides of this situation. my ex-wife had no problem signing our divorce agreement, because she thought she had a sure thing with some other guy. soon after our divorce was finalized and I stopped paying her a couple thousand dollars a month from my military paycheck, their relationship went sour and she moved back in with her parents. and yeah i find that hilarious.

so there's that.

"just because there's a goalie doesn't mean you can't score"

and

"visiting team always has the advantage"

You're going to public places for the purpose of approaching (doesn't even seem like meeting) women. We're psychic, you know.. it's natural to want to avoid eye contact with somebody like that.

Your goal should be to have fun, to enjoy the moment when you're outside. Enthusiasm is contagious. You didn't mention doing anything bold (like actually talking to one of these women). They're only human like you.

/蘭