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PLEX for Parody (Poetry Contest)

First post
Tas Exile
Federal Navy Academy
Gallente Federation
#1 - 2014-01-13 10:03:19 UTC  |  Edited by: Tas Exile
I am sponsoring a poetry contest. Possibly more than one, but we will see how the first one goes.

Basic Contest Rules:

1. Create a new original EVE related parody of a (reasonably) well-known poem.

2. Post it in this thread by 31 Jan 2014. Forum thread timestamp will be used to determine the cutoff.

3. Grand prize winner will receive a PLEX contracted to them in Jita. Additionally, 4 Honorable Mentions will each receive 100M ISK. All 5 winners will also be featured on my blog:

Slightly more detailed rules:
- Must be a new and original parody. In order to determine that you are in fact the creator and not just ripping it off from someone else, the first instance of the parody must be in this thread. If I find the parody posted anywhere else (unless it clearly has a later timestamp than your posting) it will be disqualified.

- Cite the title and author of the original poem as part of your submission.

- Minimum of 50 words. No Limericks or Haiku – they may be a future contest.

- Maximum of 1000 words. As impressive as it might be, no one wants to read an EVE parody of all of Beowulf.

- The parody should match the rhythm and rhyme of the original as closely as possible. Per the word count guidelines above, you can write a shorter parody of a long poem, just skip a few stanzas.

- Since I am the sponsor, I will also be the judge. If you want to help sponsor and/or judge future contests, send Tas Exile an in-game mail.

- If you are a “famous” blogger/personality and want to participate, please consider using an alt so neither of us can be accused of conflict of interest.

Would you like an example? Here is my attempt to parody “The Road Not Taken” by Robert Frost.

Two gates diverged in empire space

And sorry that I could not jump through both

A lonely wanderer with anxious face

I considered first the lowsec case

And with it dangers, fears, and growth

Then looked at the other, known and fair

And having perhaps the safer claim

Because it was easy for happy bears

Though as for the jumping there

The action was exactly the same

And both that evening equally lay

Ready for jumping back to back

I wanted to save lowsec for another day!

But knowing that if I went this way

My clone was ready if all went black.

I shall be telling this with a smile

Somewhere ages and ages hence

Two gates diverged in space and while

afraid, I still walked the lowsec mile

And that has made all the difference!

Diamond Zerg
Taking Solo Away.
#2 - 2014-01-13 10:35:26 UTC
Awesome, Tas Exile!

Thank you for hosting this contest, poetry rocks.

Also, someone should host an EVE songwriting contest, that would also be great :D.
Chopper Rollins
Brave Collective
#3 - 2014-01-13 11:06:10 UTC

Goggles. Making me look good. Making you look good.

Faenir Antollare
For Ever And Ever
#4 - 2014-01-13 11:06:19 UTC  |  Edited by: Faenir Antollare
Will really enjoy reading this thread, super idea Big smile

A poor offering of my own, and admittedly still very close to the original but nonetheless..

From "That One Star Is Not For Me" Bre Pantoja..

"That Old Man Star Is The One For Me"

That Old Man Star is the one for me
Laying down in the Vieres looking
into the the Essence I see a bright
little star just staring down at me
I try to look away from
this little star but I just can't
Yes that Old Man Star is the one for me

I just don't see why I am
still in this space if no one
really cares about me
EvErybody looks at the stars
for answers and they get
their questions answered
They all become stars
just not me
Yet that Old Man Star was the one for me

Why is it when I ask
the star for an answer
to my question I get nothing
I know why because
I am not a star like
EvEryone else
Guess that Old Man Star is just not for Me

edit..spelling Oops

RiP BooBoo 26/7/1971 - 23/7/2014 My Lady My Love My Life My Wife

Remiel Pollard
Gallente Federation
#5 - 2014-01-13 11:25:42 UTC
Let me not to the strength of our minds
Admit impediments, death is not death
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the capsuleer to take breath.
O no, it is an ever fixèd sod
That looks on wormholes and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring pod,
Whose worth's unknown although his height be taken.
Death's not time's fool, though frosty lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come,
Time alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom:
If this be error and herein I lied,
I never writ, nor no capsuleer died.

“Some capsuleers claim that ECM is 'dishonorable' and 'unfair'. Jam those ones first, and kill them last.” - Jirai 'Fatal' Laitanen, Pithum Nullifier Training Manual c. YC104

Ramona McCandless
Silent Vale
#6 - 2014-01-13 11:40:14 UTC
Tas Exile wrote:

- Minimum of 50 words.

Why this rule? My favourite poem is 30 words long and is neither haiku nor limerick.

"Yea, some dude came in and was normal for first couple months, so I gave him director." - Sean Dunaway

"A singular character could be hired to penetrate another corps space... using gorilla like tactics..." - Chane Morgann

Nami Kumamato
Caldari State
#7 - 2014-01-13 14:38:52 UTC  |  Edited by: Nami Kumamato
- I Have a Rendezvous with Death -

I HAVE a rendezvous with Death
At some disputed TCU,
When the Corp calls my vows true
And wrecks now fill the grid—
I have a rendezvous with Death
When the CTA is issued..

It may be he shall take my pod
And lead me into his dark land
And fry my brain and quench my breath—
It may be I shall tank him still.
I have a rendezvous with Death
On some scarred PLEX or just wardec'd,
When the fleet coms fill with fear
As the first Archons appear.

God knows 'twere better to be deep
Docked and spinning the ship round,
Where the ISK mountain grows steep
Scam to contract, contract to scam.
Where forum tears are dear...
But I've a rendezvous with Death
Primary'ed in some null system,
With the Logi's nowhere near.

And I to my pledged word am true,
I shall not fail that rendezvous.

[ after Alan Seeger's "I Have a Rendezvous with Death" ]

Fornicate The Constabulary !

#8 - 2014-01-13 15:09:22 UTC  |  Edited by: Tebizla
Source/based on "Catch a little rhyme" by Eve Merriam:

Once upon a time in New Eden Space,
where every bitter vet had an alt with a different face ...

A pilot undocked in search for an adventure,
the pilot said: "wow what a wonderful day, where shall I venture?"

The pilot set course towards lowsec,
little did the pilot realize he had a wardec

Next thing he knew he went kaboom,
crying his heart out and raging all over the room!

He cannot believe concord has not helped him,
he cannot believe someone welped him

Spamming local like there is no tomorrow,
oh New Eden so cold, can you feel his sorrow?

He redocked and bought a new toy,
still sobbing about his loss like a little boy.

He finally dares to look at the killmail,
with frustration and anger he shouts "I will prevail!"

He undocks as fast as he could,
no doubts if he really should ...

There is the angry marmite bear,
he'll blap each and all as he doesn't care.


Rage ensues and tears fill local,
shouting so loud daddy can hear him being vocal.

Smacking the keyboard on the desk,
daddy runs in and begs his son to take a rest

Tells his daddy to die in a fire,
this is the end as daddy pulled the wire.

Obviously not a forum / spy / market alt ...

Silvetica Dian
Imperial Shipment
Amarr Empire
#9 - 2014-01-13 17:49:44 UTC
"Arcturus" is his other name by Emily Dickinson

"Mittens" is his other name—
I'd rather call him "Troll."
It's very mean of Goons
To go and interfere!

I slew a Spacemonkey the other day—
A "Savant" passing by
Murmured "Oook"—"Centipod"!
"Oh Lord—how frail are we"!

I pull a Zealot from the hanger—
A monster with a Lazor
Computes the spaceships in a breath—
And has her in a "pod"!

Whereas I took the Tempest
Aforetime in my fleet—
He sits erect in "Herocats"—
The titan CFC forgot.

What once was "Providence"
Is "CVA" now—
Where I proposed to go
When TEST's brief masquerade was done
Is robbed and podded too.

What if the miners should frisk about
And afk upon their roids!
I hope I'm ready for "the gankers"—
Whatever CODE betides!

Perhaps the "Form up system" changed—
I hope the "Razor" there Won't be "new doctrined" when I come—
And laugh at me—and stare—

I hope the CEO in the skies
Will lift his little pilot—
Spread point—primary—everything—
Over the stile of "EvE."

Money at its root is a form of rationing. When the richest 85 people have as much wealth as the poorest 3.5 billion (50% of humanity) it is clear where the source of poverty is.

Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#10 - 2014-01-13 18:47:29 UTC
My only issue is that there is only 1 real rhyming word for Ammamake...and im pretty sure the forums wont let me post it.

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?

Khergit Deserters
Crom's Angels
#11 - 2014-01-13 19:44:34 UTC  |  Edited by: Khergit Deserters
"Old Bumpersides" by Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)

Aye, park her in the hangar now!
Long has she boated the void,
And many an eye has danced to see
Her lasers on a 'roid;
Around her flicked the nimble drones,
And hung the cans of ore —
But the Retriever of the high sec belts
Shall sweep the belts no more.

Her hold, once full of asteroids' guts,
The yield of the vanquished foe,
Her hull the survivor of bumpers' butts
(Before I became a pro),
No more shall take a flying path,
Far to out of range —
The victim of the sociopaths
For a Hulk has been exchanged!

Nay, better that this hero barge
Should explode in a shockwave —
Her lasers slew the veldspar belts,
And there should be her grave;
Jet now her cans and loose her drones,
Switch on the self-destruct device,
And give her to the God of Belts,
The Scordite and the Ice!

Edit: If this one turns your stomach or makes you want to smash something dead, you should see O.W. Holme's original one....
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#12 - 2014-01-13 19:56:09 UTC  |  Edited by: Unsuccessful At Everything
Where is CONCORD!?!??
******* don't gank me
Don't gank me! Please! no more!
******* don't gank me
Don't gank me, you *****.

Highsec no equal safety?!?!?!!?

I don't know why you're not there
I give you my NPC tax but you don't care
So are gankers right or are they wrong?
CCP gimme a response.

Where is CONCORD?!?!
Please! don't gank me
Don't gank , my rumps sore.
Where is that CONCORD??!?!
******** don't gank me
Don't gank me, no more!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, uh, uh
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, uh, uh

Oh, I don't know, what can I do?
I wanna mine in a .5, CCP whats wrong with you?
Im sure theyre wrong, where are you?!??!
I can't go on...

Because they ganked me!
They ganked me! And Im sore!
Where was CONCORD!
Theyre supposed to protect me!
Im subbing my accounts no more.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, uh, uh
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, uh, uh

Where was CONCORD!?!!?
Where was NPC navy?!?!?
Where was Customs!?!?!?
They ganked and they hurt me..
But they wont hurt more.

Wont hurt me
Wont hurt me

I don't know why I bother, no one listens
This isn't fair, hear my whines
I have # of accounts, youll lose my money
CCP Wheres the love?

Now they just decced me!
They decced me! Those *****!
Ill Unsub!
I just said in local!
I just told them in local..NO MORE!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, uh, uh
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, uh, uh

Where's my love??
Oh thanks..a bounty!
A BOUNTY??!?!? You *****!
Hows your mom??!
Ill ask in local!
Does you mother know youre a *****?

Now im Unsubbing..
Im unsubbing!
Read my thread! im unsubbing!
Because they ganked me!


(Feel free to bob your head while singing.)
Originally done by Haddaway, Song title "What is love (baby don't hurt me)"
But you all knew that.

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?

Iwan Pawlow
North Korea Illicit Trade
#13 - 2014-01-13 19:58:42 UTC  |  Edited by: Iwan Pawlow
Not a poem, but a nice old song from "Suzanna Vega" - "My Name is Luca" Big smile

The Trader

My name is Iwan
Trading on Jita four four
never undock from there
Yes I think you've seen me before.

If you sell something late at night,
some kind of module, some kind of freight.

Just don't ask me what's my price
Just don't ask me what's my price.
Just don't ask me what's my price.

I think it's cause I'm greedy
waiting for the next bargain
Maybe it's because I'm needy
Trying not to trade in vain
Undercutting until they cry
and after that you might ask why

You just don't trade there anymore
You just don't trade there anymore
You just don't trade there anymore
Khergit Deserters
Crom's Angels
#14 - 2014-01-13 20:32:17 UTC
Can we submit more than one entry? "I have not yet begun to rhyme!" -John Paul Jones (the ship captain, not the Led Zeppelin guy)
"I always thought I'd be dead by 30 then dead by 40 and on and on. Now I'm 55 so I didn't even die at 50." -John Paul Jones (the Led Zeppelin one)
"The Song Remains Insane" -Lez Zeppelin
Pinky Hops
Caldari Provisions
Caldari State
#15 - 2014-01-13 20:50:59 UTC  |  Edited by: Pinky Hops
so much depends

a red jump

glazed with space

beside the white

(screw your 50 word minimum - the red wheelbarrow is a classic)
Mac Tir
State War Academy
Caldari State
#16 - 2014-01-13 21:14:37 UTC
I once new a blue called Vince,
Who pimped his Mach like a prince,
He jumped through a hole,
With no clear goal
And nobody's heard from him since
Out of Focus
Odin's Call
#17 - 2014-01-13 23:14:24 UTC  |  Edited by: Dalts
Original Poets/Songwriters: SMITH, WILLARD C. / TOWNES, JEFFREY
Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air Lyrics

Now this is the story all about how
My pod got flipped, turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became the ganker of a system called Auga

In lower Syndicate cloned and de-noobed
Out in null where I spent most of my days
Scouting out, jumping, shaking all cool
And all shooting some spaceships outside of the station

When a couple of Goons, they were up to no good
Started making trouble in my neighbourhood
I got in one little fight and my CEO got scared
And said "You're moving with our Blues and Absinthe Dudes in Auga"

I fit up a Cheetah and when I got near
the gate was all littered and had flashies on my rear
If anything I could say that this gate was a scare
But I thought nah, forget it, I'll carrier jump to Auga!

I jumped to a cyno about seven or eight
And I yelled to the cynomate "Yo, noob pop you later!"
Looked at my system I was finally there
To kill in my plexes as the ganker of Auga
Ramona McCandless
Silent Vale
#18 - 2014-01-13 23:19:13 UTC
"GD Toast"

ydoan o
yunnuhstand dem
yguduh ged
yunnuhstan dem doidee
yguduh ged riduh
ydoan o nudn
lidl Gewn bas
tuds weer goin

Based on "ygUDuh" by E.E. Cummings

"Yea, some dude came in and was normal for first couple months, so I gave him director." - Sean Dunaway

"A singular character could be hired to penetrate another corps space... using gorilla like tactics..." - Chane Morgann

Ila Dace
Center for Advanced Studies
Gallente Federation
#19 - 2014-01-13 23:43:44 UTC
W. B. Yeats must've been writing about Eve, because I barely had to change anything in The Second Coming:

The Second Decade

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The Falcon cannot jam the Proteus;
Things fall apart; the cyno cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Decade is at hand.
The Second Decade! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: a waste of desert sand;
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Wind shadows of the indignant desert birds.

The darkness drops again but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Dodixie to be born?

If House played Eve:

But in purple, I'm stunning!

Tas Exile
Federal Navy Academy
Gallente Federation
#20 - 2014-01-14 01:03:00 UTC
Ramona McCandless wrote:
Tas Exile wrote:

- Minimum of 50 words.

Why this rule? My favourite poem is 30 words long and is neither haiku nor limerick.

1. To automatically eliminate "Roses are red" type submissions.
2. To try to set a comparable level of effort among the submissions.

I may sponsor a separate contest for shorter poems, but I am sticking with the 50 word minimum for this one.

Perhaps you have a 2nd favorite poem?

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