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Rubbish Jokes
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Cynter DeVries
Spheroidal Projections
#221 - 2013-11-14 00:32:16 UTC
A rich kid is taking his newly acquired vintage Ferrari out for a spin. He starts putting the pedal down as he gets out into the rural areas, just having a blast. His fuel starts running a bit low so he pulls into an old gas station. An older fellow wearing faded jeans and a blue shirt with the gas station logo comes over to the side of the car.

"What'll it be?" he says, hooking his fingers into his suspenders.

"Premium, and fill 'er up," says the young man.

The gas station attendant, himself a petrol-head, admires the car and as he begins filling up the tank, he says "This sure does look fast, but I'll bet ole Bessie's faster." He jerks a thumb toward a bright blue Charger. "I'll tell you what," he continues, "I'll let you have this tank of gas on the house if you can beat me to the county line."

The kid mulls the offer over a bit. "A race? What if I lose?"

"You pay double the cost of the tank of gas. And tell you what, I'll even give you a head start. Soon as I finish pumping, you take off. First one to the county line wins, if you get there first, just keep going."

"OK!" The kid was excited at the prospect of not only getting to put his car through its paces, but getting a freebie out of the bargain as well.

The old fellow drew the nozzle out, replaced the gas cap and slapped the fuel cover closed. The kid floored it out of the gas station. At first he didn't see anything behind him because of the dust. But as the dust cleared, he saw this tiny blue dot way back in the distance in his rear view mirror. The tiny dot began growing and growing and rapidly blurred past him. It was unbeliveably quick. He squinted and looked forward and could see way off ahead of him a tiny blue dot. It began growing and growing and again blurred past him at amazing speed until it was a tiny dot in the rearview mirror again. Once more the blue blur overtook him, but the kid realized he was approaching the county line and began to hit the brakes. Incredibly as he came to a stop at the county line, he saw the older fellow from the gas station laying in the middle of the road just ahead. He was covered in dirt and cuts and bruises.

The kid was stunned. The old guy had beat him. "That was amazing! But what happened to you? Where's your car?"

The old fellow stared up in horror at the kid, "Car nothing! My suspenders got hooked to your bumper!"

Cynter's Law of feature suggestion: Thou shalt not suggest NPCs do something players could do instead.
Ishtanchuk Fazmarai
#222 - 2013-12-02 21:21:44 UTC  |  Edited by: Ishtanchuk Fazmarai
A notorious Jita scammer is in his deathbed, slipping in and out of consciousness, when sudenly he awakes and asks the nurse by the bed:
"My... wife... Is she here?"
"Yes, sir, your wife is here"
"My children! Are they here?"
"Yes, mister, your children are here too"
"And my siblings, have they come too?"
"Yes sir, your siblings, and your nephews and everyone you love, they all have gathered here to show you their love"
"Bollocks! If they all are here, then who the fu** is spamming Jita local!?!?"

(Oh, GREAT, I just posted the same joke twice... Oops)

Roses are red / Violets are blue / I am an Alpha / And so it's you
Cynter DeVries
Spheroidal Projections
#223 - 2014-01-31 00:11:56 UTC
Redneck Dictionary:

Elevator - Darth Vader's wife
Herpes - Peas on her plate
Pasteurize - Something so far away you can't see it.
Rectum - Dang near killed 'im

Cynter's Law of feature suggestion: Thou shalt not suggest NPCs do something players could do instead.
Cynter DeVries
Spheroidal Projections
#224 - 2014-01-31 00:19:29 UTC
Return to OP's intent...


What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

Cynter's Law of feature suggestion: Thou shalt not suggest NPCs do something players could do instead.
Jayem See
Perkone
Caldari State
#225 - 2014-02-02 08:50:38 UTC
Carpets - Animals that love cars
Diatribe - horrible natives
Necromancer - Your neck looks so tasty mmmm

Aaaaaaand relax.
Debora Tsung
Perkone
Caldari State
#226 - 2014-02-03 10:45:07 UTC
Doctor doctor, I think I can see the future!

Really, when did this start?

Next tuesday!

Stupidity should be a bannable offense.

Fighting back is more fun than not.

Sticky: AFK Cloaking Thread It's not pretty, but it's there.
Khergit Deserters
Crom's Angels
#227 - 2014-02-06 20:13:37 UTC
Q: How do you stop a cat from running around the room like crazy?
A: Press paws

Q: As I was going to St. Ives, I met a many with 7 wives. Each wife had 7 sacks. Each sack had 7 cats. Each cat had 7 kits. Kits, cats, sacks, wives, how many were going to St. Ives?






















A: One
Kitty Bear
Deep Core Mining Inc.
Caldari State
#228 - 2014-02-08 22:46:13 UTC  |  Edited by: Kitty Bear
Q: What's the difference between a container of ping pong balls and a container of babies
A: You can't use a pitchfork on the balls

Q: What's pink and slowly turns brown?
A: Spit roast baby

Child: Mommy I don't like Grandma
Mother: Well just eat your vegetables and leave her on the side of your plate.
Cynter DeVries
Spheroidal Projections
#229 - 2014-02-09 06:06:58 UTC
Two radio antennae got married. The wedding was okay... but the reception was great.

Cynter's Law of feature suggestion: Thou shalt not suggest NPCs do something players could do instead.
Tanja Kurkova
#230 - 2014-02-09 12:27:20 UTC
What are green and smell of bacon?

Kermit's fingers...
Jayem See
Perkone
Caldari State
#231 - 2014-02-09 19:00:20 UTC
Tanja Kurkova wrote:
What are green and smell of bacon?

Kermit's fingers...


Despite myself I did laugh Big smile

Aaaaaaand relax.
Akita T
Caldari Navy Volunteer Task Force
#232 - 2014-02-09 20:27:51 UTC
Old lady at the fish market:
"...but, are the fish really nice and firm and fresh?"
To which the fish seller replies:
"Look, lady, they're alive!"
The old lady:
"Well, so am I, but look what that's good for!"

/ducks

Akita T evewiki profile | | | Build your own EVE-ready PC
Mudkest
Contagious Goat Labs
#233 - 2014-02-11 16:24:31 UTC  |  Edited by: Mudkest
Two shoe salespeople were sent to Africa to open up new markets.
Three days after arriving, one salesperson called the office and said, "I'm returning on the next flight. Can't sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot."
At the same time the other salesperson sent an email to the factory, telling "The prospects are unlimited. Nobody wears shoes here!"



A blonde biology student conducts an experiment on grasshoppers.
She pulls off one of its legs at a time and yells, "Hop." The grasshopper hops each time until all of its legs are gone.
The blonde concludes: when all the legs of a grasshopper are removed, it becomes deaf.
Khergit Deserters
Crom's Angels
#234 - 2014-02-11 21:01:24 UTC
Warning: Gross joke from elementary school. Not for the gross-averse.

A girl was driving on a stormy night on a dark, lonely road in the middle of nowhere. She ran out of gas. There was a house off the road, so she walked to it to use the phone. The lights were out. She knocked on the door, but no one answered. So she tried the door. It was unlocked, so she opened it and went in.

She looked around but the room was completely dark and empty. Just then, she heard a voice in the dark: ::in slow, scary voice:: "I've got you where I want you, and now I'm going to eat you."

There was no one around, but the voice seemed to be coming from the top of a staircase. Since the house was dark and empty, there was no choice but to try the staircase. She put her foot on the first step, and there was the voice: "I've got you where I want you, and now I'm going to eat you." She took another step, and there was the voice: "I've got you where I want you, and now I'm going to eat you." Every step she took, "I've got you where I want you...", until she reached the top.

Now she was close to the voice, and could make out that it was coming from behind a door. She took a step toward it. Another. Then another. She was right in front of it, and couldn't help herself.... She put her hand on the doorknob, turned it, and opened the door....

There was a little boy sitting on the floor in a closet, with a booger on the end of his finger. "I've got you where I want you, and now I'm going to eat you!"
jason hill
Red vs Blue Flight Academy
#235 - 2014-02-12 20:10:17 UTC
I`ve just invented a new word ! Plagarism Bear
Ila Dace
Center for Advanced Studies
Gallente Federation
#236 - 2014-02-14 06:14:34 UTC
jason hill wrote:
I`ve just invented a new word ! Plagarism Bear

How come your nose makes a honking sound every time you squeeze it?

If House played Eve: http://i.imgur.com/y7ShT.jpg

But in purple, I'm stunning!
Khergit Deserters
Crom's Angels
#237 - 2014-02-14 15:35:11 UTC
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?
Its butt.
Khergit Deserters
Crom's Angels
#238 - 2014-02-26 16:10:27 UTC
(A joke from Ethiopia)
Two soldiers are standing on a street. One says, "It's almost 9:00 PM, curfew time." Just then a guy runs past. The second soldier shoots him dead. The first soldier asks, "Why'd you shoot him? It's not curfew time yet." The second soldier answers"I know that guy. There's no way he could make it to his house by 9:00."
Reaver Glitterstim
The Scope
Gallente Federation
#239 - 2014-02-28 03:42:06 UTC
Ishtanchuk Fazmarai wrote:
Common Al never got to grow chicks, but he couldn't decide wether he didn't water them enough or just was planting them upside down.
He might have been watering them too much:
How to Plant and Grow Hens and Chicks

FT Diomedes: "Reaver, sometimes I wonder what you are thinking when you sit down to post."

Frostys Virpio: "We have to give it to him that he does put more effort than the vast majority in his idea but damn does it sometime come out of nowhere."
Bronden Neopatus
Aliastra
Gallente Federation
#240 - 2014-03-17 13:56:33 UTC
Mudkest wrote:
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."
The bartender gave him the drink.

Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."
The bartender proceeds with the order.

The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."
The bartender gives him an Amstel.

Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please."
The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.

All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"
He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."


Good one! Lol

She strutted into my office wearing a dress that clung to her like Saran Wrap to a sloppily butchered pork knuckle, bone and sinew jutting and lurching asymmetrically beneath its folds, the tightness exaggerating the granularity of the suet and causing what little palatable meat there was to sweat, its transparency the thief of imagination.