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Rubbish Jokes
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Rain6637
GoonWaffe
Goonswarm Federation
#201 - 2013-11-02 18:40:38 UTC
ok i second that. I ordered a guinness during a layover in ireland and it had the consistency of chocolate milk

Help, I can't download EVE

President of the Commissar Kate Fanclub

PLEX: A Giffen good? (It's 1B?)
Commissar Kate
Kesukka
#202 - 2013-11-02 19:26:24 UTC
OH and joke just for Rain =)

Q: Why is sex like Thunderstorm?

A: "You never know how many inches you'll get and how long it'll last."

-k8

My Fanclub
Mudkest
Contagious Goat Labs
#203 - 2013-11-02 20:46:34 UTC
Commissar Kate wrote:
OH and joke just for Rain =)

Q: Why is sex like Thunderstorm?

A: "You never know how many inches you'll get and how long it'll last."




I thought sex was like snow for that reason
Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
#204 - 2013-11-03 11:49:46 UTC
Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and
run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1,
Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut
down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the Same time, only to discover that when these two
systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.
While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeS*xPlus and Cleanhouse
2004.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I
made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later
when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and
Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, Requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and
Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab
93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, Which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to
the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Help requested

Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
fuer0n
Republic Military School
Minmatar Republic
#205 - 2013-11-03 14:41:13 UTC
horse walks into a bar, barman says why the long face,..............
Rain6637
GoonWaffe
Goonswarm Federation
#206 - 2013-11-03 21:53:13 UTC
A wise man once said that there are four keys to ultimate happiness.
1) You must find a woman that likes to cook and clean.
2) You must find a woman that likes to have lots and lots of sex.
3) You must find a woman that has lots and lots of money.
And 4) You must make sure that these three women never meet each other!

(unless they're rainfleet. who attacks together. Roll)

Help, I can't download EVE

President of the Commissar Kate Fanclub

PLEX: A Giffen good? (It's 1B?)
Mudkest
Contagious Goat Labs
#207 - 2013-11-05 19:51:10 UTC
A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!"
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
Khergit Deserters
Crom's Angels
#208 - 2013-11-07 15:54:11 UTC
A guy came into a town and said, "I've just come down from fasting and meditating in the mountains. Now I am a holy man who can read minds!" The people looked skeptical. One guy said, "Oh, so you can read minds eh? What am I thinking?" The guy from the mountain said, "Listen everyone, I will tell you exactly what this man is thinking! Then you will accept that I am a holy man! He is thinking that I am lying."

(A joke from Pakistan)
Steven Alfrir
Republic University
Minmatar Republic
#209 - 2013-11-10 05:12:22 UTC
Cynter DeVries wrote:
A pig farmer wanted to win the Blue Ribbon at the fair, so he asked the previous year's winner how he did it. "You have to fatten up your best pig, get it REALLY fat," he said.

"How do I do that?" asked the farmer.

"Easy. You take a cork and plug up the pig's rear. That way it'll gain weight, and you'll have the fattest pig. Then you'll win the Blue Ribbon."

Well, it seemed simple enough, so the farmer tried it, and sure enough, his pig won the Blue Ribbon at the county fair that year.

The farmer took the pig home, and then he started thinking, "Now how will I get the cork out? There's a lot of pressure on that cork!" So he called up the last year's winner again and asked him.

"Easy," he replied. "You go to the pet store, get a monkey, then drill a hole in a piece of plywood and put the cork in it. Then teach the monkey to pull the cork out."

That sounds easy enough, thought the farmer. So he went to the pet store, bought a monkey, drilled a hole in a piece of plywood, and put the cork in it. Then he trained the monkey to take the cork out of the plywood.

The time came to put the monkey's training to use. The farmer thought, "I don't want to be too close to the action when the monkey pulls that cork out - after all, there's a lot of pressure behind that cork!" So he asked his brother-in-law to stand right behind the monkey and the pig. He asked his other brother-in-law to stand 50 yards back. Then, just to be sure, he asked a drinking buddy to stand 100 yards away from the action. Then he took a stroll and walked back another 50 yards, thinking 150 yards ought to be plenty of distance. Then he yelled at the monkey, "PULL THE PLUG!"

Well, the monkey pulled the plug, and even though he was 150 yards away, there was so much pressure on that cork that the farmer got his face and hands all coated with pig poop. Disgusted, he wiped his hands on the grass and walked up to his drinking buddy. Even 100 yards away, his drinking buddy had been splattered even worse than he had, and he was cussing up a storm until the farmer promised to buy his next couple of drinks.

He kept walking to his brother-in-law 50 yards away, and he was covered, and cussing like a sailor. He had to promise him a six-pack before he cooled down. Then he walked on up to where his first brother-in-law was standing next to the pig. He was literally covered head to toe, and globs were dripping off of him. But to the farmer's astonishment, that brother-in-law was laughing so hard he was doubled up and clutching his stomach. Stunned, the farmer asked him, "Why are you laughing? You're covered with crap!"

The brother-in-law could barely get the words out, but gasping, he finally managed to say:

"You should have seen that monkey trying to put the cork back in!"

Hahaha,that's the best joke i've heard this year.Nice one!

I like crazy plans
Khergit Deserters
Crom's Angels
#210 - 2013-11-12 19:00:34 UTC
A guy walks in a bar and says, "Give me a shot of Johnny Walker Black. There's going to be trouble." The bartender gives him the shot and he slams it. The "Better give me a shot of Glenlivet. There's going to be trouble." He gets it and knocks it back. "Oh boy," he says, Better give me a double shot of Glenfiddich. There's going to be trouble." The bartender gives it to him and he chugs it.
The bartender says, "Hey, I have to ask, what's the trouble?" The guy answers, "I don't have any money."
Mudkest
Contagious Goat Labs
#211 - 2013-11-12 19:41:24 UTC  |  Edited by: Mudkest
Khergit Deserters wrote:
A guy walks in a bar and says, "Give me a shot of Johnny Walker Black. There's going to be trouble." The bartender gives him the shot and he slams it. The "Better give me a shot of Glenlivet. There's going to be trouble." He gets it and knocks it back. "Oh boy," he says, Better give me a double shot of Glenfiddich. There's going to be trouble." The bartender gives it to him and he chugs it.
The bartender says, "Hey, I have to ask, what's the trouble?" The guy answers, "I don't have any money."



heard it slightly different, the guy says "give me a shot of ... or there's going tob e trouble" when bartender asks aobut the trouble the reply is 'I dont have any money, that's why I said give me"

anyway 2 more blond jokes(I know you love them)

At work a blonde saw one of her coworkers poor coffee out of a thermos and asked what it was. "This is a thermo, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold".
So the next day the blond shows off her new thermos and got asked what she put in it. "Coffee and and some ice cream"



There was this blonde busniswoman, and being tired of allt eh blond jokes and people sugesting she was another dumb blonde she dyed her hair brown. One day she was free from work and went took a drive in the countryside when she saw a sheepfarmer with a flock of sheep in a meadow. Thinking the sheep looked really cute and that she'd love to have one she called out to the sheepfarmer "Excuse me sit, if I can guess how many sheep you have, can I keep one if I am correct". The sheepfarmer, thinking she wouldnt guess right, agreed. So the blonde grabs out her cellphone, looks on google earth, looks on wikipedia, grabs her calulator and sais to the sheepfarmer"seeing the amount of space around here, and how much room sheeps need, you have 153 sheep." The sheepfarmer, being a man of his word and despite feeling a little cheated, lets the woman pick a sheep. As she is walking back to her car the sheepfarmer calls after her "Excuse me, miss. If I can guess your natural hair color, can i have my dog back?"
Khergit Deserters
Crom's Angels
#212 - 2013-11-12 21:46:01 UTC  |  Edited by: Khergit Deserters
^Maybe I heard a corrupted version of the "going to be trouble" joke. Somebody might not have remembered it right. Or maybe it's a regional variation.

Not really a joke, more of a philosophical parable:
A scorpion wanted to cross a creek. It saw a frog in the water and called out, "Hey frog, could you give me a ride across the creek?"
The frog said, "Hell no, you're a scorpion, once you're on my back, you'll sting me."
The scorpion answered, "Now why would I do that? If you die I'll fall in the water and die too."
The frog said, "Hmm, that makes sense. OK, get on, I'll give you a ride."
So the frog was swimming along, but when it got to the middle of the creek, sure enough that scorpion whipped his tail around and stung him. The frog said, "Now why did you do that? Now we're both going to die!"
The scorpion answered, "Well, I guess that's just the kind of son of a ***** I am."
Mudkest
Contagious Goat Labs
#213 - 2013-11-12 21:51:59 UTC
Khergit Deserters wrote:
Not really a joke, more of a philosophical parable:
A scorpion wanted to cross a creek. It saw a frog in the water and called out, "Hey frog, could you give me a ride across the creek?"
The frog said, "Hell no, you're a scorpion, once you're on my back, you'll sting me."
The scorpion answered, "Now why would I do that? If you die I'll fall in the water and die too."
The frog said, "Hmm, that makes sense. OK, get on, I'll give you a ride."
So the frog was swimming along, but when it got to the middle of the creek, sure enough that scorpion whipped his tail around and stung him. The frog said, "Now why did you do that? Now we're both going to die!"
The scorpion answered, "Well, I guess that's just the kind of son of a ***** I am."


Raymond E Feist reader by any chance?
Orionos Irvam
Enso Holdings Inc.
#214 - 2013-11-12 22:55:39 UTC
Man goes in a bar...strange place to keep mangoes.

Sorry. Really crap!
Cynter DeVries
Spheroidal Projections
#215 - 2013-11-13 04:11:49 UTC
Two sock puppets are hanging out in the drawer. One says to the other, "You look like you could use a hand."

Cynter's Law of feature suggestion: Thou shalt not suggest NPCs do something players could do instead.
Mudkest
Contagious Goat Labs
#216 - 2013-11-13 10:30:20 UTC
Cynter DeVries
Spheroidal Projections
#217 - 2013-11-13 14:19:07 UTC
Mudkest wrote:
http://i.imgur.com/CKqsSLw.jpg?1

That's funny.

http://www.anorak.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/leonard-ball-fat-chair.jpg

Cynter's Law of feature suggestion: Thou shalt not suggest NPCs do something players could do instead.
Khergit Deserters
Crom's Angels
#218 - 2013-11-13 17:38:48 UTC
Mudkest wrote:
Khergit Deserters wrote:
Not really a joke, more of a philosophical parable:
A scorpion wanted to cross a creek. It saw a frog in the water and called out, "Hey frog, could you give me a ride across the creek?"
The frog said, "Hell no, you're a scorpion, once you're on my back, you'll sting me."
The scorpion answered, "Now why would I do that? If you die I'll fall in the water and die too."
The frog said, "Hmm, that makes sense. OK, get on, I'll give you a ride."
So the frog was swimming along, but when it got to the middle of the creek, sure enough that scorpion whipped his tail around and stung him. The frog said, "Now why did you do that? Now we're both going to die!"
The scorpion answered, "Well, I guess that's just the kind of son of a ***** I am."


Raymond E Feist reader by any chance?

No, but I just looked him up and his books look interesting. Will check them out-- thanks!
Mudkest
Contagious Goat Labs
#219 - 2013-11-13 19:59:12 UTC
Khergit Deserters wrote:
Mudkest wrote:
Khergit Deserters wrote:
Not really a joke, more of a philosophical parable:
A scorpion wanted to cross a creek. It saw a frog in the water and called out, "Hey frog, could you give me a ride across the creek?"
The frog said, "Hell no, you're a scorpion, once you're on my back, you'll sting me."
The scorpion answered, "Now why would I do that? If you die I'll fall in the water and die too."
The frog said, "Hmm, that makes sense. OK, get on, I'll give you a ride."
So the frog was swimming along, but when it got to the middle of the creek, sure enough that scorpion whipped his tail around and stung him. The frog said, "Now why did you do that? Now we're both going to die!"
The scorpion answered, "Well, I guess that's just the kind of son of a ***** I am."


Raymond E Feist reader by any chance?

No, but I just looked him up and his books look interesting. Will check them out-- thanks!



that story comes along a couple of tiems in a few of his books, why I asked :) Anyway if you do enjoy reading his books I can reccommend Brent Weeks as well. hmm think I am derailing the threat here someone come back with a joke :)
Cynter DeVries
Spheroidal Projections
#220 - 2013-11-14 00:15:32 UTC
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots, Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled ! guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just....
a common tater

Cynter's Law of feature suggestion: Thou shalt not suggest NPCs do something players could do instead.