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Rubbish Jokes
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Cynter DeVries
Spheroidal Projections
#181 - 2013-10-13 08:26:13 UTC
For the OP:

Why did Beethoven kill his chicken?
It kept saying ''Bach, Bach, Bach...''

Cynter's Law of feature suggestion: Thou shalt not suggest NPCs do something players could do instead.
Cynter DeVries
Spheroidal Projections
#182 - 2013-10-13 08:31:05 UTC
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''

''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

Cynter's Law of feature suggestion: Thou shalt not suggest NPCs do something players could do instead.
Mudkest
Contagious Goat Labs
#183 - 2013-10-13 15:44:49 UTC
a boat was sailing out of the german coast when it sprung a leak and slowly started to sink. The captain panicked, grabbed the radio and called out "mayday mayday, we are sinking we are sinking!"
after a minute a heavely german accented voice came over the radio "Zis is ze german coast guard. Vat are you zinking about?"
Jayem See
Perkone
Caldari State
#184 - 2013-10-13 15:58:55 UTC
Mudkest wrote:
a boat was sailing out of the german coast when it sprung a leak and slowly started to sink. The captain panicked, grabbed the radio and called out "mayday mayday, we are sinking we are sinking!"
after a minute a heavely german accented voice came over the radio "Zis is ze german coast guard. Vat are you zinking about?"


This tickled me a lot! Giggling like a kid...

Some great replies in here - I didn't think for one minute this thread would provide so many brilliantly awful jokes Big smile

Aaaaaaand relax.
Rana Ash
Gradient
Electus Matari
#185 - 2013-10-13 20:03:17 UTC
A chinese couple that had a restaurant where having a great time in bed, when the husband said.

-move i want a 69

The wife replied,- you want beef and broccoli now?
Ishtanchuk Fazmarai
#186 - 2013-10-13 20:25:21 UTC  |  Edited by: Ishtanchuk Fazmarai
That surgeon had studied using Grey's Anatomy By Numbers, and he was starting a operation when suddenly he said: "Oh my God! This lady has got a 308, a 456 and a 457!" And the nurse replied: "The patient is a man, doctor...".

Roses are red / Violets are blue / I am an Alpha / And so it's you
Akita T
Caldari Navy Volunteer Task Force
#187 - 2013-10-15 22:20:45 UTC  |  Edited by: Akita T
One snowman to the other:
"Hey, man, do you smell carrots too?"

Why don't flies go to churches?
They are in sects.

Akita T evewiki profile | | | Build your own EVE-ready PC
Mudkest
Contagious Goat Labs
#188 - 2013-10-16 09:36:59 UTC
My uncle died last week. He got a tour of a guinnes factory and fell in a vat where he drowned. He was a very capable swimmer so it took him 8 hours, as well as needing to sabotage several rescue attempts.

We cremated him over the weekend.

Started on friday and he finaly went out monday morning
Nashuar Attor
Rat Kings Crew
#189 - 2013-10-22 08:00:13 UTC
A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR with his dog on a leash. The bartender says, ‘Man, that’s a weird dog. He’s stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn’t have a tail, but I bet my Rottweiler would beat the heck out of him.’

Fifty bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the Rottweiler gets mauled to pieces. Another drinker says his pit bull will win. The bet is $100. There’s another trip to the yard and when it’s all over there are bits of pit bull terrier all over the place.

The drinker pays up and says, ‘So what breed is that anyway?’ The owner says, ‘Until I cut his tail off and painted him pink he was the same breed as every other crocodile.’

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.
Pepper Swift
Perkone
Caldari State
#190 - 2013-10-22 08:49:37 UTC
What's green and when you get it stuck between your teeth, you die?

A tractor.

What I need most.. is a day between Saturday and Sunday...

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic
Khergit Deserters
Crom's Angels
#191 - 2013-10-28 14:43:05 UTC
My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Ishtanchuk Fazmarai
#192 - 2013-10-28 15:00:09 UTC  |  Edited by: Ishtanchuk Fazmarai
Two campers are in the middle fo the Australian Outback when one of them goes for a pee. He's finished his business when he steps on a snake and the snake bites his you know what. He ask helps and his friend quickly calls emergency and they ask him to describe the snake, and after identifying the species, the emergeny operator says: "The good news is that it's not mortal, but you should suck the wound to remove the poison until we come, either it's going to be terribly painful". The victim then asks his friend and says, "What did they say?" "Good news pal, they're coming and you're not gonna die... but it's going to hurt a lot".

Roses are red / Violets are blue / I am an Alpha / And so it's you
Mudkest
Contagious Goat Labs
#193 - 2013-10-30 11:25:48 UTC  |  Edited by: Mudkest
Mohammed walks to his boss and says "Boss, I quit. Everybody here racist"
so the boss replies "Are you sure, everyone? I mean, 1 or 2 might be possible I guess, but even that I find hard to believe. But everyone?"
Mohammed replies "Yes, is true, I ask question. Everybody racist!"
boss: "What did you ask then?"
Mohammed: "What you say if tomorrow America declares war on Islam and Canada?"
boss:"Why Canada?"
Mohammed: "See, you too, racist!"



Mr. Clever had a nail factory called Clever Nails. One day he hired an advertising agency cause he wanted a billboard next to a busy road to advertise his product. Next day he was driving to work he saw his new advertisement, a billboard with a picture of Jesus hanging on the cross and below the text
"With nails from Clever, Jesus has been hanging here for ever"
Mr Clever wasn't happy with it so he called the agency and asked them to come up with something else, cause it wasn't the image he wanted his company to have. Next day when he drove to work he saw the billboard got changed already. This time an empty cross with the text:
'oh no, Jesus has fallen from his Cross. Clever nails would have prevented this tragic loss"
Solstice Project
Sebiestor Tribe
Minmatar Republic
#194 - 2013-10-31 07:54:19 UTC  |  Edited by: Solstice Project
"MOM!! MOOM!! THE DOG KEEPS F**K**G!!"

- " So what???"


" IT HURTS SO MUCH!!!!!"
Yummy Chocolate
Brutor Tribe
Minmatar Republic
#195 - 2013-10-31 08:05:25 UTC
Solstice Project wrote:
"MOM!! MOOM!! THE DOG KEEPS F**K**G!!"

- " So what???"


" IT HURTS SO MUCH!!!!!"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Frostys Virpio > CCP: Continously Crying Playerbase

Felicity Love >... was thinking "moar popcorn"... but now, seeing the truly awesome contribution this thread is going to make to the Greater Glory Of EVE.... imagonnamakkadapizza....
Solstice Project
Sebiestor Tribe
Minmatar Republic
#196 - 2013-10-31 10:52:29 UTC
Yummy Chocolate wrote:
Solstice Project wrote:
"MOM!! MOOM!! THE DOG KEEPS F**K**G!!"

- " So what???"


" IT HURTS SO MUCH!!!!!"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
What ? :/
Did i do something wrong ?? :(
Samoth Egnoled
Caldari Provisions
#197 - 2013-10-31 10:59:30 UTC
From Sickipedia-

My job is so f**king unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel in the crown has got to be the f**king stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big f**king dog to work.
Every f**king day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single f**king day.

Anyway, I drive these f**kt**ds around in my van and we solve mysteries and s**t.
Mudkest
Contagious Goat Labs
#198 - 2013-11-02 18:16:04 UTC
"Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing 'The green green grass of home'. If I see a cat then it's 'What's new, pussy cat?'. It's so embaracing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah', and my wife was not amused!"

"Yes, it would apear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome."

"Well I've never heard of that, is it common?" asked the man.

"It's not unusual," replied the doctor.

***

A doctor says to his patient "We've run several tests now, and it seems like you have Harrower syndrome"
"Geez doc, that sounds terrible. How bad is it?" asks the patient
doctor:"It's too soon to say really, Mr. Harrower"
Rain6637
GoonWaffe
Goonswarm Federation
#199 - 2013-11-02 18:19:44 UTC  |  Edited by: Rain6637
I saw this really hot chick in a bar, and she was playing pool so like leaning over the table quite often? well I couldn't stop looking and I was like "please don't get a chub please don't get a chub please don't get a chub" but then she did, dude.


a man walks into a bar with a klepto monkey. the monkey steals things, but if he really likes it he'll swallow it so the owner can't retrieve it. the monkey hears people playing pool and scampers over to investigate. he takes a liking to the flashy 8 ball that goes black-white-black-white-black-white as it rolls toward the corner pocket. suddenly the monkey snatches the 8 ball and swallows it whole after considerable effort. the owner of the monkey apologizes to the bartender and pays for the ball.

a week later the man returns with his klepto monkey, but this time the monkey camps at a bowl of nuts and takes the nuts one at a time, and inserts them in its butt, then removes it and eats it. the bartender asks the man why and he says,"well, ever since the 8 ball..."


a man is playing pool when a monkey eats his 8-ball on his game winning shot. he decides it's time for a break and goes to the men's room. There's already a man at the only urinal, and the sleeves of his leather jacket are hanging at his sides, without arms in them--thin and empty. the armless man looks at the pool player and asks," hey man, I hate doing this every time, but... could you help me out?"

the pool player agrees and assists the armless man with his jeans and aiming into the urinal. but then he notices it's green and infected, so he jumps back and is like, "WTF IS THAT?"

the armless man (who was faking) puts his arms through his sleeves and says,"I dunno, but I'm not gonna touch it!"

Help, I can't download EVE

President of the Commissar Kate Fanclub

PLEX: A Giffen good? (It's 1B?)
Mudkest
Contagious Goat Labs
#200 - 2013-11-02 18:21:29 UTC
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."
The bartender gave him the drink.

Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."
The bartender proceeds with the order.

The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."
The bartender gives him an Amstel.

Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please."
The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.

All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"
He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."