Out of Pod Experience

Sorry, I just have a metric f*ckton of dead baby jokes. Not every finds them humorous.

Way back when, in the days of yor, two of my friends were facing each other in the school yard - this was high school.
Anyway, one of them had a cold, and was in the "green stage" meaning he was hacking up big green loogies.


So somebody said something funny, and one buddy laughed and out came a loogie....

...and it went right into the mouth of the dude across from him - didn't hit any teeth or lips or anything - right down his throat.


He turned (as) green (as the loogie) and barfed all over the place. Needless to say the rest of us laughed our asses off.

Over the years, when someone is really drunk - nearly puking drunk - I like to retell that story.

Once I made a crew chief on a military base puke from that story. Then her F-15 comes down the taxiway and onto the spot and the vortex around the intake picked up the puke and splattered it all over the underside of the jet. She had to clean that up. Epic.


Then one night, at the enlisted club, I made a fellow puke into an empty beer pitcher with that story. Once he was done, I noted that he and I were alone at the table - all of the buddies from his unit had evacuated to another table. My task that night was to pick up drunk soldiers from my base and take them back to the barracks so I already had one candidate but that was not enough so I picked up the pitcher full of puke and took it to the table of escaped crew chiefs and said "who wants to share this with me?" and that started a chain reaction of drunk puking crew chiefs and soldiers.

Once we got them back to the barracks, we took great delight in throwing them squarely into the middle of each bay - on top of card tables (where other guys were playing cards), benches, into the middle of break rooms full of people. All sorts of creative ways.

A good time was had by all.

A censored version of this rather misses the point, so here's a link instead:

http://www.poetry-nut.com/genitals.htm



Enjoy!

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

I could but I don't wanna get banned. Again.

For now, though, this should suffice (The original British version, not the lame second-rate imitations that have popped up--WARNING: NSFW, and not for the easily-offended!).

Because dead-baby jokes, farts, and low-brow bigotry are teh winsauce, that's why!