Out of Pod Experience

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm even more sorry that you didn't get to attend the funeral and see your grandfather off properly.

To begin with, I'm with the others in saying, "Visit his grave. Wear your uniforn. Bring your partner." Don't bring your family into it, just go there for yourself. And bring someone close to you to support you though it.

Beyond that, I'm probably the last person to ask. I can be a bit vengeful, even if I try not to act on it. As such, major insults/exclusions like this from people I care about aren't things I easily get over. For me, the most moderate response I might end up using would be the following: if you ever get invited to family gatherings, flatly refuse unless your SO is also welcome. If, when talking to your family, they begin giving you any sort of crap about the life you've chosen, hang up the phone. They will either learn to accept you (and your partner) for who you are, or stop causing you such hurt by cutting off contact. Whether or not the latter is acceptable to you, I don't know.

Don't.
There is a difference between eve online and real life.
And while I would certainly ridicule you in GD for being a risk averse carebear, in real life you should always consider what a fight will cost you, what you could possibly gain from it and if the possible gain outweighs the cost.
In an ideal world, your parents would accept your choice and would be open minded and care only for you wellbeing, no matter how and with who.
I guess OP has made the experience over and over in the past that this is NOT an ideal world we are living in.
You cannot change the minds and beliefs of people over night; provoking them will only cement their beliefs and alienate you from them even further.

Folks. Really. What this man's ENTIRE FAMILY did is not forgivable. Not by any means.

Their behavior in not telling him the news then covertly holding the funeral only demonstrates that essentially he is NOT a part of the family. In fact he is NOT the same kind of 'human being' they are.

They did not accord him the treatment of any kind of 'son' at all. More of a long lost not-liked adopted child of a sort.

They are embarrassed to have him in the family, he should leave that family. I've watched this done many many times over the years, and it winds up being the best for all.

With the next family death, they will do the same thing, and he is going to be in the same position again, facing the same dilemma and hurt all over again.

Mayhaps people should not be posting here if they have not been through something similar themselves, except to say "I'm sorry" or something.

Of all the people I met when I was 18 in 1983 and 'came out' and was going the gigantic social circle that was my 'new life' I am literally the only one left. All those people are gone, as if I have no connection to the past of my 20's and 30's. And the number of people I had to participate in putting in the ground is horrifying, and this situation was the case 75% of the time with their partners. The families utterly shunned them, took away what was common property and everything else.

This is no different in that his family is taking away his dignity and sense of self worth.

You are right, Krixtal, but that doesn't mean that it is relevant to OP's problem right now.
He/She lost a person that he/she loved and he/she wants to say goodbye and honor his memory.
Now is not the time to fight for the acceptance that the family has denied him/her his/her entire life.

Forgive your parents, and respect their wishes. Be the bigger adult here.

I guess you are correct here in accordance with my advice. They wish him to not be a true family member so he should respect that and move on and away.

So what is he supposed to do, walk right up and forgive them to their faces ? Of course he can forgive in his own mind, and yes, that is the right thing to do as otherwise will lead to resentments and all that.

And his parent do know how to cope, by excluding him. They are embarrassed of their own child. This is their way of coping. And again, until they come to him directly saying they have made a terrible mistake, this will happen over and over again. Is he supposed to just put up with it through a form of emotional masochism ?

Maybe it's happened sometime somewhere, but once things are at this point in someone's adult life with such familial behavior, I personally have never once seen it solved or work out in any way. Trying is beating ones head against brick walls.


EDIT: and THAT leads to further resentments and bitterness indeed.

What people do not seem to be understanding is this is not going to be a one time thing.

in accordance with your advice.....

The expert has spoken everyone! Heed his advice and choose your words carefully!

For the OP: Unless you have any other relatives to whom you are close to, I would say drop the family and move on. The idea of picking up a new family is not that far fetched. I have a biological mother, a stepmother, and a rent-a-mother and the latter 2 have been more of a mother than the first ever was. Simply put if they can't at least meet you halfway then find somebody who will. As for the grandfather just go with what everyone else said, but I'm suspecting that you are already there.

You're coming in here like you are Dr Phil and telling everyone else how the advice should be. Advice is based on opinions, and opinions are neither right or wrong, they just are.

No problem, just stop typing asinine phrases like "in accordance with my advice". Like you said, this thread isn't about you. The OP asked for advice and people are offering it in whatever form they can. The OP will read that advice and decide the best course of action, not have you decide.