These forums have been archived and are now read-only.

The new forums are live and can be found at https://forums.eveonline.com/

EVE Fiction

 
  • Topic is locked indefinitely.
 

Hysteresis (First Person)
Author
Previous Topic Next Topic
Aphoxema G
Khushakor Clan
#1 - 2011-10-03 16:09:50 UTC  |  Edited by: Aphoxema G
Target, Nation Aught-Seven, change course, analyzing... xy(0.7200 rad) xz (.6200) 428.7 km/s.
Target, Nation One-Zero, change course, analyzing... xy(2.7810 rad) xz (.5180) 380 km/s.
Target, Nation Aught-Seven destroyed by Fleet One-One-Three.
Fleet One-One-Three reports fire taken by Nation targets.
Fleet Zero orders new target, Nation Aught-Three
Target, Nation Aught-Three destroyed by Fleet One-One-Eight
Fleet Zero orders new target, Nation One-Zero

I feel a repetition but I can’t qualify it. Every fight is the same. Are they letting us win? Do they have an inherent flaw? Is it just in my head?

Target, Nation One-Zero, change course, analyzing... xy(5.5274 rad) xz (.4302) 421.1 km/s.
Target, Nation One-Zero, change course, analyzing... xy(4.9377 rad) xz (.4011) 422.1 km/s.
Target, Nation One-Zero destroyed by Fleet One-One-Three
Zukes is in the way of the Manarq overview
Fleet Zero orders new target, Nation Aught-Nine
Fleet One-One-One, reporting change course xy(1.1200 rad) xz (.5002) 108 km/s to approach Nation Aught-Nine
Zukes is in the way of the Manarq overview, she’s saying something.

If they just assembled one massive fleet they would be more effective, they do focus on targets but not always the best ones.

Target, Nation Aught-Nine destroyed by Fleet Zero
Incoming Nation reinforcement, five Tama Cerebellum. New designations, One-Two through One-Six.
Zukes is saying something very loudly.
Fleet Zero orders new target, Nation One-Three
Pain in my chest. Breast. Right breast. Above my nipple. Very painful.

Zukes has my attention, “Ow! What was that for?!”

She’s mad about something. Her anger is different than it used to be, If you don't come to bed right now, I'll knock you out and drag you there myself. She’s stronger now. When she’s angry now, it’s for a good reason. Is this a good reason? Why should I go to bed? How long have I been awake? Why would she hit me? It would probably just hurt and if it did subdue me it would almost certainly cause my brain some damage.

Priorities, I need to keep working, "I'm busy, I need to study the last attack and..."

"You haven't slept in four days, and it's not like you're on sleep alternative therapy.” Four days? That can’t be right. Four days what? Four days of SAT? “Your mind and body can't handle this and it's starting to show." Show what? I feel fine. No, I feel awful. I feel horrible and disconnected, but I can’t stop yet. What did she say?

"What?"

Now she’s sad. Mad. Sad-Mad. "I've finally found you after so many years, but you've become so obsessed with this. Did you even miss me?" Of course I missed her!

Of course I missed you! I kept waiting, searching... I couldn't stop thinking of you, people told me to consider you dead and move on. They told me 'oh it's what she would have wanted'," My chest hurts. Different pain, deep pain, heart pain. I haven’t laid down in, what, four days? Anxiety and I’m overworking my heart muscle. It’s not that bad, but I need a nap soon. Zukes. I love Zukes. "but it's not what I wanted, I wanted you and it drove me crazy. Crazier than normal, I mean." I’m always a little crazy.

Always a little crazy... before the accident and now it’s worse. Better than after the accident but worse than before the accident. Chimera mind, one sense of agency now but wrong memories. Deja vu, jamais vu. Secret thoughts giving me answers before I think of them.

Someone’s holding me. Zukes, she’s here with me. "I know it was hard for you, I knew it had to be. I want to catch up with you, I want to have what we had before. I know this is important to you, but you can't fight Sansha's Nation if you can't even control yourself."

She’s right. She’s always right. I know she’s right and I love her but the Nation... "I'm scared. I love you but I can't rest knowing the attacks are still happening..." They never stop. We have to but they don’t. Why?

"I know." Zukes sounds like she’s giving up, but she’s not. Pain. Leg. Right leg. Thigh. back of thigh. Cold feeling. Injection. Needle. Zukes is left handed, she’s holding the needle. She wants me to go to sleep.

It’s a sedative, it’s already working... "You didn't..."

"I love you too, good night."
Aphoxema G
Khushakor Clan
#2 - 2011-10-03 16:11:59 UTC
Fleet One-One-Five reports fire taken by Nation targets
Fleet One-One-Five destroyed by Nation Aught-Seven
Fleet One-One-One reports fire taken by Nation targets
Fleet One-One-One destroyed by Nation Aught-Seven
Fleet One-One-Six reports fire taken by Nation targets
Fleet One-One-Six destroyed by Nation Aught-Six
Fleet Zero orders to escape.
Fleet One-One-Three reports fire taken by Nation targets
Fleet One-One-Three destroyed by Nation Aught-Seven
Fleet Zero reports fire taken by Nation targets
Fleet Zero destroyed by Nation Aught-Seven
Fleet One-One-Ten reports fire taken by Nation targets
Fleet One-One-Ten destroyed by Nation One-Zero

I’m One-One-Ten

They’re targeting my pod, I don’t want to die again. I really do die every time, my next body is a puppet and I am replaced by a demon. I am a demon, I’m in a puppet. I died a long time ago. I’m not alive anymore. I can’t stop crying, I’m so scared. I don’t want to die again.

My pod is gone from around me, I open my eyes and I’m falling. I’m falling onto a Sansha ship, I’m going to fall on one of those stupid, ugly spikes. Who the hell puts spikes on their ship? Assholes.

My arm. My arm is stabbed, but it’s all dark. Am I dead? Is this a clone? I can’t move. I can move, it’s just hard. I’m swimming in gel. I’m drowning, I’m stuck and I’m drowning and my arm hurts. It’s dark, I can’t see. “Lights.” Luhmuh? “Lights!” Lurmamm? Come on... “Lights! Lights! Lights on!”

Finally my mouth moves, the lights come on and I wish they hadn’t. I close my eyes and hold my arm. I reach around. There’s a bed. I fell from a bed. I’m in a room with a bed and I fell off the bed and now I’m in pain and angry about it.

Got to get up, see where I am. Did the Nation kidnap me? Why would they leave me a bowl of fruit? Oh, how nice... apples, I love apples. The mattress feels better than the floor. There’s something under the fruit. It’s something. It’s someone, two someone’s. Me and Zukes, Zukes is mad at me and shaking her finger. It says... "Today you start your vacation. Sansha will wait." Is that funny? Yeah, that’s very funny. Where is she?

Got to stand up. I’m in a station, or a ship. Where else would I be? A door. Hard to walk, but I get there. Can’t unseal it, it’s locked. No, there’s no lock, it’s blocked. Something’s in the way on the other side. Knocking, banging. No one is answering. Got to get sound out, I hold my hands to the door and talk into them. No one is answering.

Another door, then. This one isn’t a seal, it’s just for show. Not-show, I mean. It’s a bathroom. Clean clothes are folded up on the counter. I’m in my underwear, that’s why I’m cold. I’ll fix that later. Zukes put me here but I’m still scared to not know where I am. Does it matter?

It’s a studio. Everything a home needs. I could make my own food on the stove. Is there more than fruit in here? A console! Information means more to me than material. When I hated myself, I could pretend to be someone else. Logging in... already logged in. If I don’t know where I am and what network I’m on, why would I expect my own credentials to work? Doesn’t matter.

An image. A ship, a Tempest. A Fleet Tempest. My Fleet Tempest I’m on my own ship and this is a diagnostic overveiw. I’m in the Captain’s Quarter. I’ve never come in here before, always let other people use it because I need to be where the information is.

Close that application, and now there’s a message in big letters. “Don’t play on Galnet all day, IGS will rot your brain. There’s some books you ought to read in the desk. I’ll be back later. If you escape or call for help, I’ll kick your ass.” What’s wrong with Intergalactic Summit? Books... I haven’t read a book in ever. I close that message, I know it’s safe to log in to Galnet now, but I don’t want to anymore.

Zukes knows what’s right for me. She wants me to be safe. I want her to be happy. I’m so happy I found her, but I’ve ignored her. I got used to missing her. Khale doesn’t like girls, she’s kind of uncomfortable with it but she doesn’t matter. She won’t get in my way.

Khale’s part of the accident and when she disagrees I make her go away a little more every time. Destroying memories that don’t belong to me is like learning an art. I get better, it gets easier and I’m proud of my accomplishments. I’m proud to slowly murder this person, but she has her own body back now since I’ve found mine. I can do what I want with this copy, no matter how much she resists.

Books. I open the drawer and see the books. Book books. Bound paper with solid covers. Except for Pax Amarria, I hadn’t seen them very often. I didn’t know what was so special about them; paper books are inconvenient, easy to damage and don’t offer accessibility to people with disabilities. Right now, none of that’s a problem so I might as well read one.

”The Great Empires: A Brief Account of CONCORD And The Sovereign Nations, Rev. 71” My history is terrible, I never really cared. Something like the Amarr took over everything and pissed off the Jovians. Then there was CONCORD... maybe it would benefit me to know. The constant fighting is taking away my mind, it’s all I think about. If I don’t stop for a while it’ll become the only thing I can know.

I haven’t had Blue Pill for over a year. I haven’t really relaxed since then. I know Zukes won’t let me have it. I’ll have to try something else.
Aphoxema G
Khushakor Clan
#3 - 2011-10-04 14:37:39 UTC
This place is beautiful, but it’s too bright and there’s nothing to do. Galnet... there’s always something to do on Galnet. Maybe I can find something interesting to show Zukes.

“You’ll have time for that later. Would you share a bottle of wine with me?” She took my datapad... She’s right, though, she deserves my attention. Why am I so rude to her? Right, wine. Last time I had wine I was in The Last Gate while some stinky jackass kept getting too close to me. “Champagne is more fun.”

Is that Khale? There’s something in my head, but it feels distant. Telling me something, something I need to do maybe. Picking, picking, picking. A subroutine independent of input or output, always running and not getting anything done. How long has it been there? Did it start today?

“We can go back home if you’re not ready for this...”

Damn me, I forgot her again, “I’m just worried about the Nation...”

“You’re not as worried about that as you think.

What? How does she know how worried I am? Could I quantify that? Order that by other concerns? “What do you mean?”

The Maitre d’ is back with our champagne, fuzzy and barely sweet. Zukes apparently thinks it’s as nice as do, her smile is so sweet. Big lips, her eyes are so narrow... I don’t know how Vheriokors can see, but those tiny slivers for eyes just gets me so... damnit, I haven’t been touched since before my kidnapping. Three years?

Food! Finally, I have no idea what it is but it looks... blue? Yellow? How would an animal have blue-colored muscles? And these noodles... sparkle? I hope I’m not eating glitt... wow, this is pretty good.

I’m enjoying this, I really am. I barely get through half of it before I remember that she didn’t answer me. “What do you mean I’m not worried about the Nation?”

Oh, now I’ve done it, she’s mad... “After three years I was surprised you let me back into your life so easily, but it’s obvious that you really haven’t.”

What? Nonsense! “Of course I’ve let you back in, there wasn’t a day I didn’t wish you would knock on my door and say ‘hey here I am!’ exactly like you did...” What’s this about? What does this have to do with Sansha’s Nation?

“But you don’t really look at me, talk to me. You haven’t told me anything about the time we missed...”

Whatever, I’ve looked at... no, she’s right. I’m afraid of her. But this isn’t my fault... “You haven’t told me anything, either... where have you been? You could have contacted me...”

“I tried to, for over a year!”

That first year... the kidnapping, the clone accident... “I had some trouble... What about after that?”

“What about before that? What kind of trouble?”

Why am I so angry? “You wouldn’t believe me, you wouldn’t be happy if you did...” I want to tell her all about it, but I’m scared.

“We both have something we need to tell each other and we’re both afraid to, obviously.” I wish I was as patient as she was.

I’m afraid, I’m scared, I’m terrified,“I’m not afraid...”

“Aren’t you?” Yes. “We’ve had four months to come out to one another and I know you’ve wanted to as badly as I have...”

Does she think I don’t want her anymore? Does she think I found someone else? “Okay! Okay... It’s complicated... It’s not like I found somebody else, I don’t want you to think that’s it, it’s just so complicated I don’t know where to start.” I’ve rehearsed it over and over, even out loud to a mirror, I know exactly what to say. I just don’t want to say it because it’s... ridiculous.

That helped, “I haven’t found anyone else either, I came back to you because I want to be with you.”

We’ll have to talk about it eventually. “Okay. It does need to get out of the way...”

“It doesn’t have to be right now, I just want you to know I’m ready to catch up if you are.”

She’s so beautiful... damnit... “... I am.”
Aphoxema G
Khushakor Clan
#4 - 2011-10-07 02:45:37 UTC
Get so used to big things. Station rental cabs feel too fast and bouncy. Without hundreds of calculations a minute assisted by a computer plugged into my brain I feel... underutilized. It’s too much and too little. Good I’m not really in control, just lets me feel like I am. Left here, two docks down.

“I had a wonderful time... hey, are you sure you should be flying after all that champagne?”

“I’m not really in control, it just lets me feel like I am. Here, I’ll show you.”

Zukes is squealing. I’m happy for a moment, I really riled her up. I’m halfway drunk and everything’s already halfway funny. I haven’t had a moment like this since...

I haven’t really had fun since before I lost Zukes, I’m letting her back in but it’s still complicated. We didn’t share three years of our lives, we hadn’t even talked, we didn’t even have evidence that each other were alive. Where had she been?

“Don’t do that again! My damned heart is bursting out!”

Had I been wrong and it weren’t an advanced AI guided by the space station’s own systems, this cab wouldn’t have made a really funny coffin. I knew, though, I felt it lying to me. Taking advantage of the ideomotor effect, it pretends you’re in control up until you do something stupid. I knew, though, I felt it lying to me. “I have a better idea...”

Zukes is looking over at me. I think she said something but I won’t reply. Passed my Tempest, I turn back around. Only ship I own now, for a while I kept a whole damned fleet packed away. I don’t care anymore, I could lose everything and someone like me can become rich all over again. We deal in a currency that’s worth more than the salary of some corporate executives. To Republic Security Services, I’m worth a million marines even empty handed.

She said something else. I take a guess, “You’ll see...”

“I’ll see?” Guessed wrong, still don’t care. “You’re not lost, are you? That was our ship back there.”

Our ship... I’ve borrowed corporate owned ships before but never really co-owned. I like the idea, so intimate. Even the best sex never brought me closer than the faintest connection I have with a capsule. Rigging a ship with two capsules is certainly possible, I wonder how practical. How would I feel if I shared my body with... oh, right. Not such a good idea, maybe.

She said something again. I should probably pay attention for once. A little safer this time... “What?”

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see...”

I’m heading towards the shopping district, I don’t know where a hotel is but there ought to be one there. I’m invaluable, wildly rich. Money goes through me faster than alcohol. I’m not proud, I’m not a miser, I just never felt the need to have servants or live glamorously. Maybe I just hate myself. Maybe I can’t handle polish and paid kindness. I’m Minmatar, after all.

Here we go, this place looks fancy enough. Maybe a five-star rating will distract Zukes enough to spare me some time. Why am I so worried about it? It’s not like I cheated on here, it’s not like I killed anyone. Well, not personally. That’s right, it doesn’t count when I ventilate, ignite and explode a starship. I used to cry, now I don’t even flinch. I died a long time ago, I’m just taking them with me.

“Let’s stay here for a few days.”
Aphoxema G
Khushakor Clan
#5 - 2011-10-07 23:29:23 UTC
To anyone who's keeping up on these, don't be afraid to comment or criticize. Your input is valuable to me, though I'm doing this more to entertain myself.
Praxis Astra
0.0 Axis Fleet
Stealth Syndicate
#6 - 2011-10-09 09:36:35 UTC
OK I'm going to take you at your word on this one.

I can see the story but I just don't like the interior dialogue. Actually now that I'm thinking about it a not reading it that's my basic problem with the thing. I'd have loved to read it but in another format/form somehow.

I"m not sure I'm getting this across very well.

Keep writing!

Praxis Astra Master of Assassins and Punctuality http://heartsandmindsalliance.org