Warfare & Tactics

Dear TF,

If an EVE Uni fleet leaves Dodixie at 22:15 GMT, and is spotted in Amo at 22:57, how long does it take for them to get ganked in Auga?

GCC in Gonditsa

Dear Gonditsa,

This is one of nature's eternal questions, like "does ursis majoris defecate in old growth world heritage arboreal ecosystems" and "what is the sound of one hand clapping?". To properly frame your question, one needs to know the composition of this fleet, how many dishonour boats are in it, how noobish the FC is, how herpaderp they are at following his instructions by lemmingsing through gates, and the chance of them meeting -5 or lower sec status members of various militia and private corporations within the warzone.

This then becomes an Nth dimensional probability matrix with near infinite degrees of freedom, but the one thing I am certain of is that EVE uni fleets have no control over their fate, as they come to lowsec to PVP but are unwilling to aggress anything but pirates as they are Q.Q about their sec status.

Thus, Gonditsa, you must instead ask the question "If I spot an EVE uni fleet straggling onto the pipe between metro and Heimatar lowsec, can I raise enough bloodthirsty villains in Auga tto gank them?" to which one must answer "probably."

The ball is in your court.

TF

Dear TF,

My life is over. I am at a loss, my will sapped and income destroyed because the Gallente flipped a whole heap of systems and now there is nowhere for a humble plexing alt like myself to go earn my ISK. What should I do?

Hysterical in Hikkoken


Dear Hysterical in Hikkoken,

This seems to be a common complaint within the last 24 hours within the Militia; that life is over and the sky is falling and all that, relating back to what I must say, will only be a temporary swing in the pendulum of so-called Eternal War, viz. a wholseale flipping of systems by our honorable space-bros the Gallente Militia (aka spacefrogs with laser beams or whatevs).

I take it from your preamble that you are a degenerate üntermensch plexing alt, bereft of spine, guts, manhood and pride, only in Factional Warfare to tarnish its image as the preeminent place for massive blobbing and Titan drops by milking it for ISK and LP's. Many would simply insult you at this stage and denigrate your manhood, sexual prowess, intellect, breeding and gentlemanly comportment. I however, will act as the voice of reason.

Please, Hysterical in Hikkoken, put down the blade from your veins, sweep your emo hair from your eyes, and realise that the sun will once again shine on the fields and farms of EVE (which is, after all, what FW really is to you). imagine in your minds eye, that these farms, so norm allyfull of golden wheat nodding in the breeze of PVP, have merely been harvested of their grainy bounty. The seeds for next month's harvest have been planted in the dented e-honour and shrivelled e-peens of the Caldari, who will no doubt be on here presently talking in italicised text, and recapturing the farm. indeed, was this not the state of play mere weeks ago when Nulli came to reap the fields of the Minmatar? And look where it ended up.

So, Hysterical, I say to you, cast off the slough of despair, take up the hoe of opportunity, and maybe wait a while. Maybe till the next T5 push. Then cash out and get the hell out.

Sincerely,

TF

You've been offline most of today (u is on mah watchlist <3 ) so you probably mised all this in Minnie Militia chat. It was on the whole very TL;DR. Lol.

This thread is the best read i have enjoyed in a long time.

And I learn new words, too!

Dear TF,

I lost my Phantasm last night while smacktalking in Local. I am no longer feared and respected as a PVP pilot. It took 9 whole ships to take on my feared Space Pineapple! 9 of you! What cowards you are! I died solely because i got blobbed!

If you cowards would meet us on equal terms, but in inferior ships ofc (as we will dock if your bling matches ours) you would see how crazy awesome our PVP skills are! At least as awesome as our smactalk is, I'd wager! But never fear I moved 14 more Phantasms to Aset, so you dirty Minmatar carebears better watch out, we will defplex Aset until we are rich! Rich, i tell you! Muahahaha!

Sincerely,
All Assets in Aset

Dear Cyn...All Assets in Aset

I remind you that you were pointed by a Cheetah, in a Phantasm, and you couldn't even DPS it down to escape point because you suck. The Cheetah got point because you were utilising a safespot you were probed down at 2 minutes earlier, and you never saw the combats on scan probably because you were too busy stroking your e-peen in Local to watch d-scan, and too stupid to not set a second safespot. This means that all your crying about how Minmatar blobs, etc etc, how you are much better at PVP than everyone else, is hogwash.

I am glad you own 14 Phantasms. You will need to use them up whilst learning d-scan.

Go back to camping Hek undock. You are good at that. Until then, my boys are humping your corpsicle.

Insincerely,
Trinkets friend

No content? This is comedy gold!

*munches popcorn*

Dear TF,

How do you kill Super Chair?

Thanks
Executed In Eha

Say that phrase 5 times, quickly!

As to the whole of that poast......

Whar da hail is mah dixunary????

Dear Trinkets Friend,

I plex majors in a Naga while spamming dscan like an old lady in Vegas pumping coins into a slot machine. If anyone warps in on me they usually find me 150km+ away. I've one shotted lots of little Minmatar ships that try to charge me. Now I hear they are moving the button within 30km of the warp in. I don't know what to do! Should I rage on the forums?!?

Sniping in Sahtogas

Dear Sniping in Sahtogas,

I feel you are a lonely gentleman, who does not want to let others close to him, due to emotional scars which you carry with you from your childhood. Was it a clown, or a priest, or maybe your best friend gave you a wedgie and stole your lunch money? Whichever horrid trauma has caused you to keep your fellow humans at arms length and recoil from close and intimate human interaction, you should know that people in the Amarr Militia are there to help.

Call 1-800-BITTERVET and talk to old hands in the Amarr, who will comiserate with you and, amidst their blubbering and crying about how great it used to be, show you that you are not alone. Also, they will probably tell you that two or more frigates is a blob, and FW is ruined, but it is only in your deepest desires for real space man-hugs that you can overcome this fear of brawling. So give your fellow Amarrians a hug, cry on their shoulders, and share your tales of molestation and prepubescent lunch money thievery in an Amarrians Anonymous.

You may also try 1-800-RICHANDBORED the Minmatar help line run by Minmatar guidance counsellors, for plexing alts which are now surplus to need and feeling suicidal. The Minmatar counsellors will advice you they will Duke Nukem you with the new 30km button range. They will explain to you how you need to train Gallente BC 5 and get a Talos with dual webs, EC-300's and blasters. But don't tell them you are from Amarrian militia. *taps nose*

In the end, Sniping in Sahtogas, you must embrace other pilots in the near future, and overcome your fear of intimacy. Love is a face full of neutron blasters, after all.

Sincerely,

Trinkets friend

Oh boy... I was bouncing between 6 safespots. Yeah, I lost a cheap cruiser to local smacktalk, well done. Scanning down shield tanked ships is something nowadays...

Sincerely,
the girl with more kills in november, than your entire alliance