Warfare & Tactics

Dear TF:

I just joined Amarr faction warfare, looking for PVP. I have 1.5M SP's, +0.56 standing with Amarr, and I've bought myself a Coercer. How come I can't find any PVP?

Hopelessly Hopeful in Hofjaldgund

Dear Hopeful,
I know how it goes. It starts with a few courier missions for Civic Court or Ammarr Certified News. Then you shot some Minmatar rats. What could go wrong? you ask yourself. So you do a faction mission. It seems easy, just take some Slaver Hounds to Pamah for some dude, you'll be handsomely rewarded.

You wake up the next morning with a +2 implant in your head and buttcheeks coated in pod goo. Suddenly you aren't welcome in Minmatar space, but your pimp is handing out level 4's in Penirgman, you've got an Apoc Navy Issue with full Imperial Navy fit. Your sole heatsink cost more ISK than you have in SP's. But you crave more from an MMO than shooting little red X's, so you decide to try Factional Warfare. Sadly, your Minmatar standings are so crap now, you can only join Amarr. Or maybe become a squid, if you bend that way.

It's the same sad story, Hopeful. You just don't connect shooting some Minmatar rats with being an insufferable pile of slimy douched labia on the EVE forums, or not being able to join the great cotton farm in the sky. The angst you feel, and the Schadenfreunde which the rest of us naturally feel, are both inextricably linked to the babysteps you took on the road to being a great stupid knob gobbler, way back when.

So my advice, "John", is to start a Minmatar farming alt, and spam Militia chat asking how to make a gunless medium ASB Merlin for "plexing", which is akin to asking for your prized pitbul to be emasculated and turned into a homosexual teacup Pomeranian to be prostituted to drug-addled pugs down the park. But fear not - the dirty, sorry feeling you will get from doing this will soon pass, as you can fund shinier and shinier bling ships to trawl the idiot-polluted spacelanes of Penirgman waving your e-peen like some stunted bit og space kelp in the current of silence from the bots churning missions.

But never fear, you at least aren't in the Gallente militia.

Cheers,
TF

Dear TF,

I am being camped in station by Cynthia Nezmor and company. She's got some kind of (Scorpion/Scorpion/Scorpion/Naga/Scorprion/Blackbird) and some DPS ship. I cannot undock, and my experience of Factional Warfare is ruined. Please help!

- Desperately Dateless in Dal

Desperately Dateless in Dal,

Luls, you derpfart. Set medical clone to somewhere else, undock your pod, and get a free teleport if you are too slow. Then move to lowsec or somewhere else, and stop being a crybaby whiner.

TF

Dear TF,

I am one of those worthless farmer alts who is forever shitting up Militia chat with questions about when we are going to T5. When are we going to T5? I have, like, an assload of LP's I farmed while running EVE in windowed mode, while batting it out to Redtube or playing on my main mining ice in hisec, or on my other character, mining mercoxit for the Goons/TEST/whoever. How am I supposed to afford these 3 accounts without pushing to T5, and cashing out my LP's? You sound like a knowledgeable gentleman, please eluidate me as to when I can participate in this gluttonous rort. P.S. can you donate the LP's as I am a cheapskate and don't care about anything but my own in-game ISK hoard.

- Onanistically Optimistic in Oyonata

The world does not contain enough asterixes for me to tell you what I really think about you and have it moderated. Die with a phallus in your prefrontal lobes.

Cheers,
Trinkets friend

Ah, Dal. Such lovely memories such as Spiritus Draconis smacking they are "too good to be ganked at undock by n00bs" and then dying in droves to Lancress and his mighty "fisher king" drake

It was probably even worse death trap to mission runners than Floseswin when me and Unfamed II lived there. I am sure people remember the "leaping panther" fondly.

Love the Theme OP.

How about some more letter from those asking for a fleet for two hours and when they get x'ed into one they have to go to Amarr to fit a ship.

Dear TF,

I am not normally one to seek advice, as I was born perfect in every way. But as you know, exposure to alcohol while at my mother's teat, and her penchant for quietening my rambunctiousness as a pre-adolescent with whiskey and diazepam bedtime juice, has made my brain into custard. Also, I made a fortune in wormholes farming C5's with quads, and as you know, our only measure of others expertise in the game is time served, as no one has alts. Therefore, I need advice, from one w-space dweller to the next, on which market item to dump my billions into for a good arbitrage trade based on CCP's upcoming nerf of FW alts.

Sincerely,
Jaded in Jita


Jaded in Jita,

It is pretty clear CCP is as sick of cowardly plexing alts as I am of self-aggrandising nutbags. The changes promulgated by CCP amount to a kick to the nuts of FW LP farmers like everyone in EVE has. My advice is to invest in T1 cruisers, as every alt and his dog will soon work out that the best way to do plexes is similar to what went on in Incursions, by dogpiling the rats to clear them off ASAP, then leave a dude orbiting to collect the candy. Remember, the more people cry about how useless a ship will be, the more it is misdirection. Except for the Scythe, that is a turd they cannot buff to a polished shine. /places massive buy order....


Dear TF,

I spent two hours yesterday fruitlessly searching for a fleet. I would ask, at precisely 15 minute intervals, for a fleet in Militia chat, by typing "x". Somehow, no one seemed to have a fleet! I find this saddening, as I have been playing for 2 weeks and I read on the interwebs that EVE has the best PVP of all MMO's. Can this be wrong?

Lonely in Lamaa

Dear Lonely,

I don't know about the rest of your Militia, whichever one it is (though I'd guess Gallente since you so lonely), but the general ettiquette relating to fleets is similar to attending a country dance. First step is to introduce yourself, at great length, and in broken English, to your prospective fleet mates. Generally, this involves a spiel such as below;

"Greetings I am Dumbnuts Sokarad. As you tell my name, I have no thought of creating character name and have genericalise. I from Poland/Boston/New Zealand, excuse English. I have not TS3, but can download on 12 day notice! I look for PVP as voted by gamer nerd like you fatties! Thankyou and hedgehog souffle, Dumbnuts Sokarad."

Thereafter, you must engage in smalltalk, such as "WT sighted!" and "3 WT's in Dal". Remember, it's always Dal, as that is easiest to spell. Once you have done smalltalk, undock your ship, and follow around a guy from your militia for half an hour. Pick one in something expensive, like a Loki or Proteus. This shows you are friendly. Now type X in Local, but only when the enemy enters system. Other secret codes for gaining fleets is "wtm" when wartargets enter Local.

In no time at all, everyone in Militia will know your name. You will know how famous you are when your fellow militia members link your name in Militia chat and lock you up when you warp into a plex. Do not fear, this is just a friendly greeting!

Most entertaining thread in ages.

More please.

Dear TF,
No one will engage my tengu and loki boosted nano drake gang.

I refuse to ship down.

My loki booster is in the opposing militia.

I also outnumber the opponents I'm trying to fight.

Additionally, sometimes I will bring a tengu of my own to add to the nano drake fleet especially if we have far superior numbers.

Finally, I am a dipshit highschooler who listens to dubstep.

Can you give me advice on everything above?

Sincerely,
Papa Johns Percussive Pizza Hut Diplomacy Dominos Isn't Open for Delivery
(marketjacker + rus)


Dear Marketjacker,

Clearly you are stroking your e-peen and attemptingg to troll. This is best done with copious amounts of moisturising lotion to avoid friction burns on your epeen. I prefer the lubricative properties of tears extracted from the ducts of carebears.

Sincerely, TF

Dear TF,

I am a new player, with a Caldari toon who I have trained for precisely 1 month, 3 days and 23 seconds, achieving pretty substandard skills in Caldari frigates and cruisers. I have heard from the wise mandarins on the EVE-O forums, that Minmatar ships are OP. However, I have heard that the Merlin is OP and Rifters are hopeless now. Should I begin cross-training into Minmatar?

Sincerely,

Vacillating in Vard

Dear Vacillating in Vard,

My first piece of advice is that one should not put too much weight upon the vapid and vacuous EFT-warrioring of people on forums. Is it not said that those who cannot do, teach? This is indeed so, for whose who are too busy pwning your antecedents out of your scrotum using Merlins to write poasts on forums declaiming for OP "winmatar" ships are, clearly can teach you lessons from the school of hard knocks, viz. learning to maintain optimal vs transversal, etc. Whereas those who can afford time to whine about this or that ship being OP or a bucket of pus (viz. Augoror) clearly are not as good at pwning your mother's derriere or teaching you how to gargle phallic excretions, and hence, should be ignored.

In reality, if one can kill a megathron with an Itty V, one's skills at the game are more important than one's ability to min-max a ship in EFT. In other words, one does not cross-train to a second race based solely on the reputation of ships. Look to yourself, dear Vacillating in Vard; if you enjoy being a punching bag for nanofags then the Drake is for you. If yu enjoy being an unholy pain in the testes of your foes, then the Falcon is for you. Ergo, why cross-train when you can just fly a Falcon and get cursed at for all eternity?

Trinkets friend

Dear TF,

I have downloaded FRAPs, and I want some advice on how to compose a PVP video. Got any suggestions?

Mozart in Meirakulf


Dear Mozart in Meirakulf,

I have absolutely no experience with FRAPS, and have appeared in precisely one EVE PVP video on Youtube as a random red X. However, i hear that teletubbies dubstep and nyancat dubstep are the hottest new soundtracks with which one should score their epic spacebattles. I also suggest editing out your voice if you sound like a prepubescent squeaktoy who has taken meth, and instead go for the Hannibal Lecter ouvre c.f. RnK.

Sincerely,

TF

Dear TF,

I am very annoyed at all these gunless stabbed Merlins rattling around doing plexes. Just like you. It is impossible to even shoot them. Support my calls for CCP to deal with this, it's an outrage!

Outraged in Oyonata


Outraged in Oyonata,

I too am annoyed by gunless plexing Merlins. Like you, I am as cunning and as violent as a weasel adddicted to meth. I have tried all sorts of tactics to murder the plexing frigs which infect FW space like a case of genital scrofula. I have tried Vigils with faction points, Arazus with faction points and loki boosts (92km point, but the stabs let them go free), Keres with overheated MWD's and Loki boosts, but I can not find a reliable way to blap these pests, although I do like sniper Cormorants, because at least you get a few shots in before they warp.

In the end, like anyone affflicted with a debilitating disease of the gonads, you must come to accept the misshapen nature of your package. Yes, FW was advertised as exciting small-gang PVP, and here we are stuck dealing with a rash of alts flying Merlins on our buttons. But without the draw of ISK, no one would be able to afford FW and no one would turn up. So, enhance your calm and leave them to their venal pursuits.

Further, the upcoming changes mooted by CCP will drag that button closer to the warp-in point, which will allow you to land point more regularly. Thus, you shall only have to deal with their two stabs, and for that you need two dissys, so you should double-dissy your Slashers. The changes to the rats, I doubt, will have any effect, save for making people actually fit guns. Your average double-rep Incursus should be able to tank the rats, and a MASB merlin certainly can.

Finally, remember that the changes to the Cormorant will hurt you. No longer will you be able to land blows on gunless plexing alts at 70km, when they reduce the midslots by one. This is an outrage! But for now;

[Cormorant, Snormy]

Micro Auxiliary Power Core II

Tracking Computer II, Optimal Range Script
Sensor Booster II, Targeting Range Script
Upgraded 1MN Microwarpdrive I
Sensor Booster II, Targeting Range Script

150mm Railgun II, Spike S
150mm Railgun II, Spike S
150mm Railgun II, Spike S
150mm Railgun II, Spike S
150mm Railgun II, Spike S
150mm Railgun II, Spike S
150mm Railgun II, Spike S
[Empty High slot]

Small Capacitor Control Circuit I
Small Targeting System Subcontroller I
Small Targeting System Subcontroller I


Sincerely,
Trinkets friend

Dear TF,

Who is your alt(s) in Minmitar Militia? I may or may not be deciding to screw over my faction standings harder than a dog costume wearing man in the very near future.

~ Fluffers