EVE Fiction

A CEO and his dear friend, a NEWBRO looking for a ship, walk down a hangar.The CEO begins to sing.

CEO:
Now, newbro, my dear, I cannot express my delight!
It’s abundantly clear that somewhere ‘round here is a ship that’ll suit you just right!

NEWBRO:
I can’t wait to get started,
but first let me set a few rules
It’s of utmost importance the ship that I get is something that tanks best of them all!

CEO:
Best of them all?
Got it.
I’ve got so many wonderful choices, just wait you will see!

NEWBRO:
I need something real thick like a station
to keep around me.

CEO:
Sure! How ‘bout a Cheetah?
They’re T2 Matari and thick as can be!

NEWBRO:
T2 Matari? Have you even met me?

CEO:
Pubbie, have faith! You see, I will bet you, somewhere ‘round here’s a ship that’ll get you!
C’mon, armour’s the limit!

NEWBRO:
Armour’s good. I’d like it to live.

CEO:
Really? Because I think this widdle Slasher has your name written all over it. Oh, yes it does!

NEWBRO:
Pass.

NEWBRO:
I have so many wonderful choices, just wait, you will see!
There are Ospreys, Impels with massive appeal

NEWBRO:
Ospreys and Impels do not fight.

CEO:
Maybe not, but I’ve seen this particular Impel tank seven ganks quite unhindered.

NEWBRO:
That’s it, I’m outta here.

CEO:
Wait! There must be a ship here that can fit the ticket!
How ‘bout a Maller or a Caracal?

NEWBRO:
Thicker! And bigger!

CEO:
Thicker, bigger. Right!
I’ve got just the thing in my hold, newb, meet your new fabulous quick Rifter!

NEWBRO:
...it’s just a Rifter.

CEO:
Not just any Rifter! A tanking Rifter!

NEWBRO:
Yeah. So like I was saying.
My good pal, this won’t cut it
I need my pod as safe as can be
Something hitting,
Something tanking,
with thickness that defies everything!

CEO:
I’m sensing you want a passive tanking fit.

NEWBRO:
You think?

CEO:
I have so many wonderful ships that sit and receive!
like a sweet Brutix or a giant arty Harbinger!

NEWBRO:
Better, but thicker!

CEO:
I see! How ‘bout a Rokh, a Hype or an Onyx?
There are so many wonderful choices the likes of that!
There are Nighthawks and Vultures, they’re both quite cultured!
Or perhaps what you need is a fat and quite lumbering Bad.

NEWBRO:
Now we’re talking.
But instead of just one stand-out, now there’s too many!
So many choices
and such riches aplenty.

CEO:
Not a bad problem to have, if you ask me!

NEWBRO:
The Hype might be awesome, but the Nighthawk I’m training to
do you have something like a shield-tanking Bad?

CEO:
No.
I’ve got a camo Dominix
just dying to be used

NEWBRO:
What to do, what to do?
A prize! That’s it! There’s really just one way
to find out which ship’s just the best!
Hold a contest of shields, capacitor and hull
that’ll put every tank to the test!

CEO:
Don’t forget armour, that should be considered

NEWBRO:
Then we’ll know what’s best in the hangar

CEO
The one that’s thick and strong,

NEWBRO:
just like me
Can’t settle for the rest ‘cause I’m the best

CEO:
So a contest we will see

NEWBRO:
What’s the number one, greatest, perfectest ship

CEO:
in the world for me!

NEWBRO:
May the games

CEO:
begin

BOTH:
And may the best tank win!

exeunt both

i dont even

but I really like the advanced Rifter variants.