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EVE Fiction

 
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Works in Progress - Critiques welcome, share yours!

Author
Saul Elsyn
Deep Core Mining Inc.
Caldari State
#1 - 2012-07-23 04:41:42 UTC
I write longer fiction usually, and have been working on some fan fiction projects on my off time from my Original Works (Not published yet but working on it). I'd wonder if anyone would like share some of the stuff they're working on for critique, review, comments, and so forth?

So is anyone else doing any longer works? Like to share something they're working on sort of as a community roundtable and writer's workshop? You've found the place.

Those few of us in the Faction Warfare might know me as a Caldari Pilot, the ironic bit is that I'm actually using myself as a villain in my fan fictions... I have two current projects. I figured that I'll post a couple excerpts from each of them for critiques and a little help.
Saul Elsyn
Deep Core Mining Inc.
Caldari State
#2 - 2012-07-23 04:46:48 UTC
"Shield Squadron" - A series of Novel length stories revolving around a Federation Navy Frigate Squadron fighting in the Black Rise Region. Similar in conceptualization to the X-wing books in the Star Wars universe.

Excerpt:
Gallente ‘Minor’ Outpost TZ-478, Heydelies System

A siren echoed through the base and yanked Lieutenant Divya Sitara to full consciousness. The red lights played across the ceiling from the emergency lighting system just before the deck shuddered.

Swearing Divya rolled out of bed and onto the deck plating. She stumbled out of the cabin and ran toward the hangar bay clad only in the black t-shirt and panties she’d worn to bed.

“Caldari Navy Industrial approaching the main launch bay!” The speaker overhead screamed as Divya ran down a corridor lit with the emergency lights. The scramble and jostle of armor echoed from a side corridor as a team of soldiers ran past. Divya swore as she ducked into a hatch and stopped to look out over the hangar bay. She could see the four frigates from her Division docked up, their systems powered down and engineers swarming over them running maintenance checks.

A rumbled echoed through the bay and Divya glanced up as a Badger Mark II emblazoned with the markings of the Caldari Navy rumbled into the hangar bay. Its two railguns were slowly turning in their mounts. On the ship’s sides the massive cargo hatches popped off one after another, ten meter squares of steel that tumbled from the ship before being caught in the station’s artificial gravity.

Black clad soldiers scrambled out from the hatches, some leaping clear and using inertial dampeners to slow their descent. The crack and bang of hyper-velocity bolts filled the air and Divya dove to the deck as two rounds glanced off the steel sending up sparks.

“Caldari troops have entered the base! Caldari troops have entered the base!” The speakers overhead declared as engineers scrambled for cover, some firing back with side arms.

Divya swore as two more bullets cut through the air directly above her head. Sparks shot from the consoles and steel walls as the bolts glanced off, ricocheting around her. “Frack!” She yelled from her spot on the deck.

She wasn’t immortal, not at this moment. A gauss rifle round through the head would end her instantly and Divya wasn’t sure that a clone would activate in her wake. The terror of that thought kept her head down for several moments as the roar of the gun battle climbed to a terrifying crescendo.

A trooper dropped dead just in front of her, his green armor marred from a dozen impacts. Swearing again she scrambled forward and yanked the man’s sidearm from his belt. “Frack!” She shouted as a round cracked just over her shoulder and she ran.

“Freeze!” A shout came from directly behind her. Without looking she lifted the pistol and fired. She could feel the heat from the plasma discharge engulf her arm but kept running. Another bolt cracked past her as she dove behind a set of crates.

Glancing back she saw one of the Caldari troopers lifting an assault rifle to face her while a female soldier clad in a lighter uniform and laden down with various bits of equipment pulled open an access hatch.

She swore as a three shot volley sent her diving back to cover. Then she lifted the pistol over the crates and fired back blindly in her panic hoping to hold them off. A shout of pain from the two sent her running again, heading down the grating toward the pod gantries. She could hear their shout of recognition and the bang of their boots against the deck as they pursued.

Her boots clanged on the grating as she scrambled toward the capsule gantry sitting over her ship’s dock. She slid down the railing of the stairs and stumbled toward the capsule. Tapping the activation key she dropped the pistol and stripped off her top before stepping backward into the pod. The two caldari soldiers ran around the corner and skidded to a stop swearing as the pod closed around her. She closed her eyes and began to relax as the ambiotic fluid began to fill the pod and she flinched as each of her implants was connected with the system. Then her mind was within the pod itself looking out through the camera systems.

The female caldari soldier was hammering the keypad controls, trying to override the sequence when she suddenly kicked it in frustration. With a thump the pod lifted from the gantry and slowly began to drift down toward the Incursus-class ship below. The male soldier lifted his rifle and opened fire, sending sparks sputtering from the shields.

Activating, Station services non-responsive… all systems currently off-line and must be brought online sequentially. Aura’s synthetic voice filled Divya’s mind for a moment. FF-9963 Knight’s Amor’s capsuleer access hatch opening, capsule installation in five seconds.
Saul Elsyn
Deep Core Mining Inc.
Caldari State
#3 - 2012-07-23 04:56:04 UTC
"The Azure Claw" - A series about the prototype craft Azure Claw and her pilot Mara Idama as she and her family fight in the Federal Defense Union against the Caldari in a escalating war. This story really focuses on the emigrant population of Capsuleers fighting alongside the Gallente. Mara herself is of a mixed racial background as is her crew... this story has much less of a strict adherence to EVE canon with a fair sized crew on a capsuleer vessel.

Excert:
18:39 EST, Old Man Star – Heydelies Gate, Old Man Star, Essence

Mara’s holographic avatar paced the ships’s bridge. The entire ship had its speaker system keyed into the fleet and milita channels.

“Roger that Homestar One, we have capsuleers approaching the gate now. We are currently at two-fifty from the gate on watch…”

“Can you get ID’s on the ships?”

“Sturmvogels, State Protectorate, and multiple other corporations… command. Local channel is spiking, oh God… two hundred plus hostile capsuleers now in system… God only knows how many ships the Caldari are bringing.”

Mara’s avatar stopped beside the vast open viewport and stared off into the distance toward the gate. To her left and right she could see hundreds of ships forming up into a loose formation. Gallente aligned capsuleers flying a variety of ship classes flew alongside the massed bulk of the Essence Regional Fleet Elements that had rushed to the system. Dominix class battleships sat alongside new Megathrons and even a number of Dreadnoughts now crowded into the formation toward the back, their massive railguns slowly turning to face the gate.

“Where’s the rest of them?” Pala voice came through the ship’s intercom from her station deep within the engineering deck. Through the interior cameras Mara watched her. She sat behind a console filled with holographic images showing the gravitational pull of the planets in the system and the relative position of all the main orbital bodies of the system. She tossed her braided hair for a moment and narrowed her eyes at the display that showed the gate. “Where’s the Caldari Fleet?”

“I don’t know.” Mara said quietly through the speakers as Gunkaa tapped at his displays on the bridge. “You know imperial fleets tend to move slower than capsuleer formations, right?”

Another voice filled the militia channel. “This is Task Force Epsilon to Homestar One, disengaging now… large number of hostile fleet ships in Heydelies. We’re safe-spotting now… no way we’ll get through the capsuleers on gate.”

“Understood Epsilon.”

“Oh God, they’re arriving now! Five hundred plus Caldari Navy ships now on the gate… No sign of their capitals yet, we lost them around Abune.”

“Understood Watcher, all forces stand by for hostile jump… it’ll be any moment now.”

Mara’s mind rushed into action as her camera drone stared straight toward the gate. “All stations, report readiness!”

Emi looked up and flashed a grin. “Guns ready.”

A voice crackled in the bridge speaker. “I’ve got the shields fully charged and a couple extra feeds for the guns into the capacitor, Engineering is as ready as we’ll ever be.”

Kang glanced up from his displays. “Tracking Disruptors are at maximum readiness and scripted to disrupt tracking azimuth instead of range.”

“Navigation is ready and the warp core can get us out at a moment’s notice… for now.” Pala said from engineering. “Doubt that’ll last though.”

Gun suddenly straightened. “Gate activations…”

“Local spike!” A voice yelled across the communications channels. “They’re coming through.”

“Valkyrie Flight, report readiness?” Mara listened to the pilot’s answer in her pod.

Her father’s voice filled the fleet channel. “Hostile fleet is decloaking… Fleet Commanders, call your targets. Tacklers and fast frigates… you know your jobs.”

Mara stared out the window as camera drones shot from her frigate and raced across space, capturing images as ship after ship decloaked. Hundreds of battleships, cruisers, and frigates marked with Caldari Navy transponders began to pull away from the gate. Above the gate itself a flaming beacon of red light burst into existence.

“They lit a cyno!” Someone in fleet coms called out. “Hostiles hot-dropping on the gate!”

Suddenly enormous vessels appeared above the gate, each arriving in a burst of brilliant red light. Carriers, dreadnoughts, and motherships were burning away from the gate. Thousands of fighters streamed from the carriers and motherships while missiles the size of frigates slowly burned out of launch tubes on dreadnoughts.

Mara’s gaze flicked to the displays. “This is the Azure Claw to Claw Squadron… lets go to work.”

(...Continued in the next post...)
Saul Elsyn
Deep Core Mining Inc.
Caldari State
#4 - 2012-07-23 04:58:34 UTC
(...Continued from last post...)

With a thought the ship’s main drive lit and burned toward the gate and the enemy fleet pouring through.

Already railgun bolts raced between the two armadas as their largest ships began to engage each other.

“Afterburners initiated, targeting systems activating.” Pala said.

In her mind’s eye Mara drew back from the bridge, her mind moving outward to see through the lens of her ship’s camera drones.

The Azure Claw burned through space, its laser turrets turning toward the closest hostile ship. A caldari condor locked onto her. Immediately a volley of laser fire tore into the caldari condor, stripped through the condor’s shields and burning through its armor. The fighters her ship had been assigned ripped into the condor with a volley of high-explosive rounds that finished her off, releasing a gaseous cloud of plasma and gas.

“Rifter on your six!”

The warning from one of the fighter pilots wrenched Mara’s attention from the oncoming caldari fleet. A minmatar frigate from the enemy’s militia was burning to intercept her. The ship shuddered as 200mm auto-cannon rounds exploded against the shields.

Mara growled as her turrets spun toward the new threat. Brilliant blue-white light lanced into the enemy ship, flaring against their shields.

“Warp scrambler engaged, warp drive unstable.” Aura’s voice flooded her mind.

“Oh shut it, you want to dance then…? Valkyries kill him!” Mara’s voice snarled through the speakers.

With flashes of thrusters the five Einherji fighters rolled in behind the Rifter and opened fire. Explosive auto-cannon rounds ripped into the ship’s shields and then tore through its armor. The smoking Rifter banked away looking for an exit when a volley of four pulse laser beams ripped through its structural integrity field.

The frigate tore itself apart and spun out of control into the side of a Raven-class Battleship. A flash of ionized gas and debris marked the ship’s destruction as a pod shaped capsule tumbled through space, its engine flaring as it aligned to warp.

It burst into an expanding cloud of ice crystals and steam when a missile exploded against the Raven’s shields.

The space around them lit up as an enormous railgun bolt roared past and slammed into one of the Phoenix-class Dreadnoughts that were filling space with missile fire.

“Oh ****!” Mara yelled as a cloud of Hornet drones screamed onto her tail, firing railgun bolts. Two of them concentrated on one of the Einherji fighters that rolled away trailing fire. Her lasers whirred to track one of them and fired, exploding the tiny drone with a single hit.

“This is Valkyrie Three, structural integrity is failing! I can’t keep it to—” The distress call cut off as the fighter exploded.

An Incursus-class Frigate rolled in behind the four remaining fighters and opened fire, popping two of the drones with a volley of blaster fire.

“Valkyrie-flight, you’re clear!”

“Thanks Crow-Three!” Mara said.

“Always a pleas—” The transmission cut off with a crackle of static as a volley of railgun rounds ripped through the Incursus. The frigate exploded, sending debris in all directions. In her pod Mara flinched and looked up as a Caldari Navy Cormorant-class Destroyer locked onto her ship, its fourteen railgun turrets locking onto her vessel.

“Oh **** me…” Mara groaned. Her ship rolled past the burning hulk of a Rohk-class Battleship just as a volley of railgun bolts leapt her way. They missed, ripping holes in the hull of their ally.

“I suggest activating the tracking disruptors.” Aura murmured in her mind and Mara rolled her eyes.

“No ****!” She said as the two tracking disruptors on her frigate whirred to life. She raged in her pod as a missile launched from the Cormorant and tore the last of her ship’s shields clear. “Fire damn it!”

“Firing…” Aura stated.

Four laser beams ripped through space and tore into the ship’s shields. A second burst tore them down to half shields. Returning railgun fire flashed past her ship, mere meters behind her thrusters.

“Come on!” She gritted her teeth and suddenly the Azure Claw looped upward, screaming between the spaces between the enemy battleships. She rolled past a flaming cruiser just before it exploded. The destroyer gave chase, firing its guns one after another, but not able to gain a hit on her fast craft as it danced before them. “…Kill that damn thing Emi!”

Another pulse of laser fire ripped through space and tore down the last of the ship’s shields. Just as she was about to curse her luck the four remaining Valkyries rolled into position on the Destroyer’s rear firing an eviscerating volley of projectiles that tore through its weak armor like paper. Then it exploded.

“Valkyrie Lead to Azure Claw, sorry about that… lost you when you changed course.”
Tagera
Dog Nation
#5 - 2012-07-23 15:32:21 UTC
Not bad.....I would get rid of the word frack. Should be some equivalent in either chronicles or one of the books.
Horatius Caul
Kitzless
#6 - 2012-07-23 15:46:25 UTC
Tagera wrote:
Not bad.....I would get rid of the word frack. Should be some equivalent in either chronicles or one of the books.

The real four-letter curse word is used in both the books and chronicles.
AlleyKat
The Unwanted.
#7 - 2012-07-23 15:54:32 UTC
It's a little insular, but has a nice pace to it.

This space for rent.

Saul Elsyn
Deep Core Mining Inc.
Caldari State
#8 - 2012-07-24 02:48:30 UTC
Tagera wrote:
Not bad.....I would get rid of the word frack. Should be some equivalent in either chronicles or one of the books.


I originally used the actual word... but changed it when I remembered the filter. Didn't bother with the other story.

What do you mean by Insular AlleyKat? Is it because it's FW?
AlleyKat
The Unwanted.
#9 - 2012-07-24 11:07:37 UTC
Saul Elsyn wrote:
Tagera wrote:
Not bad.....I would get rid of the word frack. Should be some equivalent in either chronicles or one of the books.


I originally used the actual word... but changed it when I remembered the filter. Didn't bother with the other story.

What do you mean by Insular AlleyKat? Is it because it's FW?


I was thinking the descriptive text was narrow, and I wasn't seeing the scope of the landscape.

I feel that, perhaps, if the descriptions were more evocative, it may 'correct' this.

AK

This space for rent.

Saul Elsyn
Deep Core Mining Inc.
Caldari State
#10 - 2012-07-25 04:09:04 UTC
AlleyKat wrote:
Saul Elsyn wrote:
Tagera wrote:
Not bad.....I would get rid of the word frack. Should be some equivalent in either chronicles or one of the books.


I originally used the actual word... but changed it when I remembered the filter. Didn't bother with the other story.

What do you mean by Insular AlleyKat? Is it because it's FW?


I was thinking the descriptive text was narrow, and I wasn't seeing the scope of the landscape.

I feel that, perhaps, if the descriptions were more evocative, it may 'correct' this.

AK


I see now... it's insular in that it's not that easily accessible to those without a background understanding of the EVE universe and therefore have no idea what a 'Rifter' frigate is and so forth... Basically you think more description would be better?
AlleyKat
The Unwanted.
#11 - 2012-07-25 11:15:48 UTC
Saul Elsyn wrote:
I see now... it's insular in that it's not that easily accessible to those without a background understanding of the EVE universe and therefore have no idea what a 'Rifter' frigate is and so forth... Basically you think more description would be better?


Yes and no.

The descriptions of the environment/setting/local/landscape were not as detailed as I'm confident they were in your mind when you were watching it.

You are missing the subtlety, and a potential way to change that is to use evocative/emotive language to hook the reader in and plant the picture in their mind.

Right now; I can't 'see' it clearly - you are only showing me the broad strokes, not the background whispers.

AK

This space for rent.

Istvaan Shogaatsu
Guiding Hand Social Club
#12 - 2012-07-30 21:48:01 UTC
I used to write long-form fiction for Eve... but then I took an arrow to the motivation.
Evet Morrel
Doomheim
#13 - 2012-08-02 13:11:01 UTC  |  Edited by: Evet Morrel
Really enjoyable, good fun, some nice touches, without the usual crop of Eve clichés either. Why is this happening, and what is at stake, are important questions that you would answer at some later point in the story I suppose.
AlleyKat
The Unwanted.
#14 - 2012-08-02 14:20:49 UTC
Evet Morrel wrote:
Really enjoyable, good fun, some nice touches, without the usual crop of Eve cliches either. Why is this happening, and what is at stake, are important questions that you would answer at some later point in the story I suppose.


Off topic/on comment:

What are eve cliches?

AK

This space for rent.

Evet Morrel
Doomheim
#15 - 2012-08-02 20:42:03 UTC  |  Edited by: Evet Morrel
Off topic reply:

One of the most persistent must be the clone waking up with an identity crisis, for example.
AlleyKat
The Unwanted.
#16 - 2012-08-03 11:25:40 UTC
Evet Morrel wrote:
Off topic reply:

One of the most persistent must be the clone waking up with an identity crisis, for example.


I actually like that idea :)

Depends on the elapsed time between death and last clone update, but I can see a lot of interesting social complexities from that premise.

AK

This space for rent.