Jita Park Speakers Corner

Hello there. I’m Weaselior. You may remember me from the Gallente Ice Interdiction, explaining in detail about how you would be murdered if you showed up in a Gallente ice belt. Today, however, I am not here to tell you I plan to murder you. Instead, I’m here to tell you about a candidate for CSM; a candidate for the Chairman of the CSM. The Mittani, King of Space, is running for re-election to the CSM and I’m here to tell you why you should vote for him.

“But Weaselior,” you may cry, “why would I vote for a man who wants nothing more than to drop a brutix on me? Surely what I want in a CSM candidate is a man after my own heart, who wants nothing more than to mine all day! And why should I take advice on who to vote for from a man who wants nothing more than to drop a tornado on me and then blow my pod up with a thrasher?” I’ll tell you why: there is no candidate who values you more than The Mittani. Other candidates will make wild promises, about how they will promise you that mining will be fixed, mining bots scourged from EVE, and the like. They will also fill pages with wild screeds about how highsec will become a barren wasteland if The Mittani is allowed to have his way, painting a picture of a horrific dystopia where brutixes annihilate anyone who dares undock.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Just as the first conservationists were hunters, seeking to preserve the pristine wilderness and the animals within it, so they might from time to time stroll through that wilderness and shoot everything in sight. After all, it is rather a disappointment to wander through an empty field with enough firepower to equip a small regiment and not see even a single rabbit worth blasting to smithereens. So too, The Mittani values your health and welfare, and values the preservation of highsec as an idyllic wilderness where you can graze on veldspar to your heart’s content. Other candidates may claim they wish to improve mining, or make highsec more fun, or to scourge bots out of the belts. But really, what is their motivation to follow through? They’re not a credible voice to CCP – after all, it looks like they merely wish to pad their own wallets and advance their own parochial interests. Nor do they have a real incentive – if elected, they’ll already have gained the only thing they sought, recognition. They will not have the vision to see what could be done – after all, they’ve experienced only a small slice of what EVE has to offer. Nor will they have the force of will to represent any ideas they have well: years in the asteroid belts fighting rocks that do not fight back does not produce the sort of forceful personality necessary to represent you.

How do you know The Mittani has your best interests at heart? Just like Teddy Roosevelt – hunter, meat-lover, conservationist – The Mittani values your continued existence. The Mittani realizes it is important to keep you, and your many friends, happily mining in belts because without you, there is no one to gank. And The Mittani values your tireless work in the belts and would like to encourage even more people to populate the belts. And, just like you, The Mittani hates the highsec mining bot. We understand your frustration when you are crowded out by bots. We too value people mining in the belts. A bot, after all, does not complain when they lose a ship. A bot will instantly warp out when ganked, avoiding having their pod cracked open like an egg. We share your desire for more profitable, more bot-free, and more fun mining: because we’d like you in the belts.

It is true that from time to time I, or The Mittani, may attempt to kill you. We may even do so repeatedly, on a massive scale. But really, this is as much in your interests as ours. Sure, the dumber people may continually wander into the interdicted ice fields with nary a concern in the world for why that rookie ship is beelining to them and where all those wrecks came from. But you, the educated highsec voter, are a cut above this common idiot. You have your day made more interesting: do you mine the forbidden ice, reaping greater profits at the risk of a tornado swooping in and making your ship vanish in a flash? Or do you kneel to the King of Space and avoid the forbidden ice? Either way, you have been given something new to react to and do.

You will hear much from candidates trying to play on your fears, to convince you to vote for them because they are the “anti-goon”. Left unsaid, of course, will be their qualifications and what they can do for you. They think you’re a fool, that you will be willing to send them on a free trip to Iceland merely by playing on your fears, knowing you’d never consider them a worthy candidate were you to carefully mull over your options.

The Mittani may spend countless hours mulling over the best way to kill you. He may even spend sums of isk that seem unimaginable to you just for the pleasure of blowing you up en masse. But goonswarm realizes that we cannot hunt the highsec miner to extinction. We are not the shortsighted hunters who see an unending field of buffalo and hunt them to extinction: we seek to maintain the harmony of highsec, with miners fat and plentiful so that the screams as brutixes rain from the sky every so often remain the beautiful melody we have all come to love. And it is that connection, those shared interests, that make The Mittani the candidate for you.

We can rise above those petty fools who seek to divide us for their own crude gains. We can prevent unqualified idiots from playing on your fears to gain status they have no right to. We are all in this together. We can all unite behind the Chairman for Life, King of Space, The Mittani.

One EVE, One Vote, One Chairman.

Vote Mittani in the upcoming CSM Election.

Your ass must be jealous of all that **** your mouth shoots out

There's a much more simple reason: because the amount of tooth-gnashing it would generate is enough to keep dentists around the world employed for another generation or two.

Think of the dentists, people!

Ask yourselves, when you're choosing who to vote for: who do you wish to align yourself with? The Cipher Jones of the world, bitter, alone, and resentful, offering nothing but badposting when the hand of friendship is extended? Or do you wish to align yourselves with The Mittani, the King of Space, who is offering you a chance to participate in making highsec a better place to graze happily, with nary a bot to be seen?

Oh, **** off...

Meh I'd rather spend my vote on those I like or hate, rather than those I don't care about one way or the other.

I've been tempted by one candidate that proposed focussing on conflict in EVE; across all facets of the game. A close second would be for a candidate that actually plays EVE well; and I can't help but take my hat off to The Mittani for doing that very, very well.

Well then The Mittani can come tell us himself instead of sending a messenger. I care not for your words, let me hear his.

Why yes i did just read the 1st line and go straight to reply

Pollo he approves. Pollo he wants to know where he can pick up Mittani mittens... Pollo, his hands get cold.

Pollo, he not approve of your insubordination.