Crime & Punishment

Gentlemen and Ladies;

It has come to my attention that in recent weeks the good name of the Right-Honourable GoonSwarm Federation of Space Planets has been called into question on this forum. Let me say, first of all, of these allegations of wrongdoing, of fraudulent activity, of dishonest business practice and of kicking puppies, that nothing could be furthest from the truth. My name is Sky Captain Lyris Chronicles of Narnia in the World of Tomorrow's Goonfleet dot Com, and I am here to set the record straight by telling you the story of me, an unimportant person in space.

I began playing this game in 2008, fresh and full of hate for World of Warcraft. You see, my important raiding guild had some drama and stopped existing; so, I threw my keyboard across the room and uninstalled the WoW client using only my mouse. In short order, I installed EVE. I didn't bother doing anything cool like "reading," or "researching," or "breathing through my nose," prior to clicking the PAY CCP $$$ button on the site, and then off I went flying around in an Ibis. I shot at some stuff and died. I then found the EVE University, which taught me how to not shoot stuff. They were some pretty cool guys, some of them, and some of them were also girls; also, some of them were not cool at all. I ended up losing interest in EVE for a while, then I installed Star Trek Online; that game was pretty terrible, so I came back to EVE and flew some missions with my Dominix for which I am proud to say I have Large Railgun Specialization IV. I got tired of EVE again after a while, and re-installed the World of Warcraft client after buying a new mouse. I eventually got tired of it again, and came back to EVE in winter 2010.

Not long after my return to EVE, I found a fellow named Randomus Namus looking for skilled battleship pilots to join GoonWaffe, which was a group I had never previously known to exist. "What kind of waffle is a Goon waffle," I recall asking him. He told me it was the most delicious kind of waffle, with hot butter and syrup. "Is it made of the same stuff that the +1 Internet cakes are made of?" I asked him; in reply, he told me that I was the cutest thing ever, and that I'd fit right in; moreover, he gave me the name SOLO DRAKBAN and told me that if I really wanted to get in good with the higher-ups I should send him some clever messages about how much I enjoy pancakes. "But Randomus Namus," I said, "I don't particularly like pancakes." But you see, SOLO DRAKBAN does enjoy pancakes, even more so than waffles; that, as it turned out, was why it was a good idea to send him messages. I promptly did a google search for pictures of kittens and pancakes, and wrote to SOLO DRAKBAN a short essay in which I personified my inner furry onto the kitten in the picture and listed the lewd things that I would like to do with a short stake of pancakes. We talked for a few hours, and then it was time for me to go to sleep.

A few days later, after he had checked my API and saw that I had so much skill points in Gallente, Randomus Namus sent me another convo asking me if I was ready to join. I told him that I was, having already moved all of my things to Jita in preparation of being taken by jump freighter to VFK-IV. I contracted him all of my ships, which included a bunch of Maelstroms that I purchased with the expressed intention of reselling them on the VFK market once I arrived, and gave him my security deposit. That was in December, and here I am now—a modern success story of how you, too, can join the greatest space guild in the entirety of EVE Online just by sending SOLO DRAKBAN some funny pictures and talking to the right guy.

I hope that my story has been enlightening and that it will dispel the distrust and fear so many people seem to have towards the Right-Honourable GoonSwarm Federation of Space Planets. I shall be hosting testimonials in this thread, and I shall be presenting to you, the public, further exhibits beyond my own testimony which prove beyond question the trustworthiness and nobility of my distinguished corporation members and dearest space friends. You will know, when I am done, that there is no merit—none at all—to the allegations presented against my compatriots; furthermore, you will come to know the true heart of the goons, which is that we seek nothing more than to make New Eden a better place for every citizen.