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BY REQUEST: Smacking the Butcher

Author
Arrendis
TK Corp
#1 - 2016-12-26 23:33:51 UTC
As some of you know, I recently got irked with Nauplius' insistence on creepily stalking women and speculating about their bodies. I threatened to smack him with a rolled-up datasheet, in the manner of an errant slaver hound, if he didn't stop.

He didn't stop.

So, irritated, I told him publicly that I was en route to Fovihi to his Grand Temple of the Red God in order to deliver the smack. At first, he refused to show up. He suggested I come to Rama. I told him I would not give him any excuses to run away, and this was going to happen in his hangar, on his citadel, with his security present. After some mockery on the part of third parties (Honorable third parties, no doubt) he agreed. I took a travelceptor to the immediate area, and acquired a shuttle for the final docking, so he wouldn't have to worry about autocannons in the hangar.

I've now been asked to make the external security feed from the shuttle available.

The Footage wrote:

**STATIC**
**The interior of a standard hangar bay on an Astrahus citadel comes into view, moving slightly as the shuttle makes its final trim adjustments and settles on its landing gear.**

Nauplius grunts.

Arrendis disembarks from the baseliner shuttle and comes into the hangar, looking more or less exactly the same as ever. Knee-length t-shirt, no visible foot- or leg-wear... and a rolled up datasheet.

Nauplius waves over a guard to perform an inspection for weapons.

Arrendis sighs as the guard comes over to inspect her. "Would it make you feel better to have me strip-searched?"

Nauplius grunts as the guard waves a scanner around. He approaches as the guard departs.

Arrendis holds up the datasheet as the guard does his thing, and when he's finished, starts toward Nauplius as well. "Just this. Wanna inspect it, too?"

Nauplius responds, "Very well, yes."

She sighs, and hands over the datasheet. Three pages thick, rolled up, nothing in it. The information appears to be market data on shield boosters.

Nauplius gives it a look, and then hands it back, and prepares himself.

Arrendis looks around. "I have to say, I'm actually surprised at you."

"I'd offer a tour of the ritual areas; however, I am a bit pressed for time at the moment," he replies, "I want to spread around knowledge of the Red God. Even unto the Minmatar, that they may learn of their destruction."

The Sebiestor nods, "I can imagine, still..." She whips around and brings the datasheet across his face hard enough to actually hurt before dropping it with a shrug. "I actually expected you'd let me get this far..."

Nauplius grunts and rubs his cheek a bit.

"Then when I go to leave," she continues, "the guards pop out to detain me. Can't really threaten one of us with death... but a few decades of brutal torture? Anyway. Stop being creepy." With that, she turns to go. She's only halfway to the shuttle's boarding ramp when he shouts out to her.

"I shall continue my creepyness, madam!"

Arrendis stops, and starts back toward him... well, toward the datasheet, actually, and bends down to pick it up.

Nauplius continues as she approaches, "Now please leave this holy place."

She doesn't respond to that 'request' right away. Instead, she pauses for a moment as if considering. Then, she delivers a savage backhand with the datasheet, harder than before. "I did tell you I'd smack you again if you gave me reason to do it."

"Enough." He points to the exit. "So much wrath you heap up for yourself in God's mighty storehouse of Wrath!"

"Mmmhm." She drops the datasheet again and once more starts for the shuttle. "Do yourself a favor and don't give me a reason to turn around again."

Nauplius grunts and waves.

The mics pick up the sound of the shuttle's loading doors closing with a dull boom, and the feed ends.
Ayallah
Brutor Tribe
Minmatar Republic
#2 - 2016-12-27 01:33:19 UTC
Meet me like you met her Nauplius.

I promise I will not bring a datasheet.

Goddess of the IGS

As strength goes.

Claudia Osyn
Non-Hostile Target
Wild Geese.
#3 - 2016-12-27 02:07:48 UTC
I would like to unload my rail guns into that bay, but alas, it wouldn't do any good...

A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you'll go.

Elmund Egivand
Tribal Liberation Force
Minmatar Republic
#4 - 2016-12-27 02:24:20 UTC
The datasheet's paper, isn't it? Pretty old-fashion of you.

A Minmatar warship is like a rusting Beetle with 500 horsepower Cardillac engines in the rear, armour plating bolted to chassis and a M2 Browning stuck on top.

Merchant Rova
Hedion University
Amarr Empire
#5 - 2016-12-27 03:53:42 UTC
Claudia Osyn wrote:
I would like to unload my rail guns into that bay, but alas, it wouldn't do any good...

Using railguns? Tisk tisk. Blasters are better, bro.
Elmund Egivand
Tribal Liberation Force
Minmatar Republic
#6 - 2016-12-27 04:00:37 UTC  |  Edited by: Elmund Egivand
Merchant Rova wrote:
Claudia Osyn wrote:
I would like to unload my rail guns into that bay, but alas, it wouldn't do any good...

Using railguns? Tisk tisk. Blasters are better, bro.


At that range? Yes. But I say autocannons are better. They are infernally loud, which will cause many burst eardrums. They shred through the superstructure, leaving behind twisted metal that would be a safety hazard for anyone having to walk through the area to do repairs. The expended ammo casings leave collateral damage and even more mess for the repair crew to deal with. Then there are the wonderful secondary effects of the shells lobbed into the superstructure (massive puddles of melted metal via Fusion or Phased Plasma, fried electronics via EMP, multiple deck breaches via Titanium Sabot, shrapnel via Depleted Uranium).

A Minmatar warship is like a rusting Beetle with 500 horsepower Cardillac engines in the rear, armour plating bolted to chassis and a M2 Browning stuck on top.

Arrendis
TK Corp
#7 - 2016-12-27 04:03:08 UTC  |  Edited by: Arrendis
Elmund Egivand wrote:
The datasheet's paper, isn't it? Pretty old-fashion of you.


It was actually a fiber lattice, but... basically, not very different from processed wood pulp, yes.

Also, while I completely understand and agree with the sentiments of people suggesting other things to use, I had a hard enough time getting him to travel all of 6 jumps from lowsec to get smacked with the datasheet.

AND he immediately denied redocking permission after I left (I checked because he started making cracks about asking me out on a date and I was gonna smack him again).

So... yeah, I don't think he's gonna risk anything bigger.
Merchant Rova
Hedion University
Amarr Empire
#8 - 2016-12-27 04:09:38 UTC
Elmund Egivand wrote:
Merchant Rova wrote:
Claudia Osyn wrote:
I would like to unload my rail guns into that bay, but alas, it wouldn't do any good...

Using railguns? Tisk tisk. Blasters are better, bro.


At that range? Yes. But I say autocannons are better. They are infernally loud, which will cause many burst eardrums. They shred through the superstructure, leaving behind twisted metal that would be a safety hazard for anyone having to walk through the area to do repairs. The expended ammo casings leave collateral damage and even more mess for the repair crew to deal with. Then there are the wonderful secondary effects of the shells lobbed into the superstructure (massive puddles of melted metal via Fusion or Phased Plasma, fried electronics via EMP, multiple deck breaches via Titanium Sabot, shrapnel via Depleted Uranium).

Bro, you're literally launching antimatter at someone, how isn't that just the coolest?
Elmund Egivand
Tribal Liberation Force
Minmatar Republic
#9 - 2016-12-27 04:10:50 UTC
Arrendis wrote:
Elmund Egivand wrote:
The datasheet's paper, isn't it? Pretty old-fashion of you.


It was actually a fiber lattice, but... basically, not very different from processed wood pulp, yes.


I haven't written on paper or paper-like material for ages now. The only other person, besides yourself, whom I know who writes on paper-like material is currently busying herself with biotechnology in the next room.

A Minmatar warship is like a rusting Beetle with 500 horsepower Cardillac engines in the rear, armour plating bolted to chassis and a M2 Browning stuck on top.

Elmund Egivand
Tribal Liberation Force
Minmatar Republic
#10 - 2016-12-27 04:12:36 UTC
Merchant Rova wrote:
Elmund Egivand wrote:
Merchant Rova wrote:
Claudia Osyn wrote:
I would like to unload my rail guns into that bay, but alas, it wouldn't do any good...

Using railguns? Tisk tisk. Blasters are better, bro.


At that range? Yes. But I say autocannons are better. They are infernally loud, which will cause many burst eardrums. They shred through the superstructure, leaving behind twisted metal that would be a safety hazard for anyone having to walk through the area to do repairs. The expended ammo casings leave collateral damage and even more mess for the repair crew to deal with. Then there are the wonderful secondary effects of the shells lobbed into the superstructure (massive puddles of melted metal via Fusion or Phased Plasma, fried electronics via EMP, multiple deck breaches via Titanium Sabot, shrapnel via Depleted Uranium).

Bro, you're literally launching antimatter at someone, how isn't that just the coolest?


But they aren't as annoying to the hangar manager.

A Minmatar warship is like a rusting Beetle with 500 horsepower Cardillac engines in the rear, armour plating bolted to chassis and a M2 Browning stuck on top.

Claudia Osyn
Non-Hostile Target
Wild Geese.
#11 - 2016-12-27 04:15:40 UTC
Merchant Rova wrote:
Claudia Osyn wrote:
I would like to unload my rail guns into that bay, but alas, it wouldn't do any good...

Using railguns? Tisk tisk. Blasters are better, bro.

You assume I want to get that close?

A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you'll go.

Merchant Rova
Hedion University
Amarr Empire
#12 - 2016-12-27 04:18:46 UTC
Claudia Osyn wrote:
You assume I want to get that close?

You know I do.
Elmund Egivand
Tribal Liberation Force
Minmatar Republic
#13 - 2016-12-27 04:21:25 UTC
Claudia Osyn wrote:
Merchant Rova wrote:
Claudia Osyn wrote:
I would like to unload my rail guns into that bay, but alas, it wouldn't do any good...

Using railguns? Tisk tisk. Blasters are better, bro.

You assume I want to get that close?


You are *inside* the docking bay though. Everything is within reach of blasters. You can go ahead and launch the drones to wreck more shite if you want.

A Minmatar warship is like a rusting Beetle with 500 horsepower Cardillac engines in the rear, armour plating bolted to chassis and a M2 Browning stuck on top.

Arrendis
TK Corp
#14 - 2016-12-27 04:25:15 UTC
Elmund Egivand wrote:
I haven't written on paper or paper-like material for ages now. The only other person, besides yourself, whom I know who writes on paper-like material is currently busying herself with biotechnology in the next room.


Oh, I don't write on it. I printed it out so I could smack him.
Pieter Tuulinen
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#15 - 2016-12-27 06:18:51 UTC
Merchant Rova wrote:
Claudia Osyn wrote:
I would like to unload my rail guns into that bay, but alas, it wouldn't do any good...

Using railguns? Tisk tisk. Blasters are better, bro.


Blasters are a random weapon, lacking artistry.

Railguns are far more precise.

For the first time since I started the conversation, he looks me dead in the eye. In his gaze are steel jackhammers, quiet vengeance, a hundred thousand orbital bombs frozen in still life.

Arrendis
TK Corp
#16 - 2016-12-27 07:16:31 UTC
Pieter Tuulinen wrote:
Blasters are a random weapon, lacking artistry.


I would just like to say that my data sheet was a very elegant weapon, and not as clumsy or random as a blaster.
John Revenent
Revenent Defence Corperation
Ishuk-Raata Enforcement Directive
#17 - 2016-12-27 07:54:38 UTC
Idiotic. To be expected on the IGS these days.

Ishukone Loyalist - Private Contractor

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

Elmund Egivand
Tribal Liberation Force
Minmatar Republic
#18 - 2016-12-27 08:22:32 UTC
Pieter Tuulinen wrote:
Merchant Rova wrote:
Claudia Osyn wrote:
I would like to unload my rail guns into that bay, but alas, it wouldn't do any good...

Using railguns? Tisk tisk. Blasters are better, bro.


Blasters are a random weapon, lacking artistry.

Railguns are far more precise.


If one has to aim carefully for wanton destructive rampage, can it really be called wanton destructive rampage?

A Minmatar warship is like a rusting Beetle with 500 horsepower Cardillac engines in the rear, armour plating bolted to chassis and a M2 Browning stuck on top.

Tamiroth
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#19 - 2016-12-27 09:50:17 UTC
This is just extremely weird on too many levels at once.
Yarosara Ruil
#20 - 2016-12-27 11:07:24 UTC
Mister Nauplius is like that weird uncle nobody wants to talk to!

So that's why he wanted me to wear that Eternity suit.
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