Intergalactic Summit

The Angel Cartel, are one of the most well known organised crime syndicates in New Eden. Some may argue that the fact that they're well known mean they're not very good, because the best crime syndicates would operate without anyone ever knowing they were ever there. Usually people using that argument go on to say something banal like how "taxation" is in fact merely a protection racket run by the biggest crime syndicate of all. So, we'll let that argument slide for now. Because it's dumb.

Anyway, the Angel Cartel, are notable for having high-performance weird-ass looking ships, and being involved in all sorts of criminal activities, one of the most prominent is their co-dependent relationship with the Serpentis Corporation - the alleged rogue pharmaceuticals and biotech megacorporation.

But where did it all start ? Let us take a trip through the metaphorical Time Tube, and take a look:

It is the time of the Minmatar Rebellion, and chaos reigns throughout what will become Minmatar Space. A gang of former Minmatar rebels set themselves up as the authorities in their local region of space. They call themselves the "Angel Cartel", using metaphors and idioms from the Scriptures for two reasons. Firstly, because the names will strike fear into many of the Minmatar people of the realm, due to their association with the Amarr religion. And secondly, because using the names annoys the Amarr as well. Hurr.

This is the origin of the Angel Cartel. A gang of Minmatar ruffians, exploiting the general lack of law and order in the power vacuum following the Empire's withdrawal. No, not the household appliance.

So, how did the Angel Cartel become so powerful after these inauspicious beginnings ? Well, let's examine what happened next:

As the gang of ruffians spread themselves out, they came across a particular region of space, which was once inhabited by none other than the Jovians. The Jovians had abandoned this space, in an attempt to flee the Jovian Disease, which as everyone knows, manifests itself in the morbid desire to write bad poetry. The Jovians thought by leaving all the poetry in a big pile and running away, that this would cure them. It didn't, but that's another story. Anyway, the point is, that there were many Jovian stations and other artifacts, that the Angels stumbled across.

There were four major things that the Angels found, that revolutionised things, and set the Cartel upon the road to major expansion.

First, was a collection of Jovian research data about goat farming. The revelation that you could milk goats as well as people, and that you could farm goats for meat, came as a great shock to the Angels, and armed with this new knowledge, they began covert goat farms that they then used to build a large supply of goat dairy products and meat products, with which to introduce a taste sensation throughout Minmatar-speaking space. This culinary revolution provided the first great influx of wealth.

Secondly, the uncovering of tens of thousands of man-hours of Jovian research into how to cheat at cards. These infernal publications allowed the Angels to develop a reputation as the best card-players in all of Minmatar space, which they used to make large sums of money from unsuspecting persons.

Thirdly, was the archive of Jovian billiards experiments, containing a wealth of knowledge on the mechanics of billiard balls, and how to perform particularly tricky shots. This knowledge allowed the Cartel to begin extensive billiard shark operations, fleecing many unsuspecting persons, for large sums of money.

Finally, was a large amount of information and a few prototypes, of Jovian sports ships, which the Angels found to be to their liking. Taking these high-powered ships, and fitting them with weapons, the Angels found themselves superior to the early Republic security forces, which they exploited to smuggle contraband objects, further increasing their wealth.

Armed with this dangerous knowledge, the Cartel quickly grew to become one of the largest crime syndicates in New Eden, and this is how they came to the attention of Serpentis Corporation, when Serpentis was having difficulties with the Federation authorities.

Which takes us up to the present day.

Now, the modern Angel Cartel is an interesting entity, for many different reasons.

First, as I mentioned, their relationship with the Serpentis Corporation, which has several effects, particularly when it comes to the leadership structure of the Cartel.

Most Angel Cartel members don't know who the leaders of the Cartel are. These shadowy figures are unknown to most, with only a few vague stories being told.

The most common of which, is the story that one of the Angel Cartel leaders is "A magic space witch who lives in a hollow asteroid".

Which tells you one thing. That many Cartel members are high on the Serpentis supply. Space witches. The very idea.

Due to CONCORD limitations on post length, I shall continue this in a second post, which I shall write momentarily.

Part 2:

The true leadership of the Angel Cartel is anonymous, but not because they're magic space witches. Or male magic space witches. What do you even call a male witch ? The concept doesn't make a blind bit of sense.

Anyway:

The leaders of the Angel Cartel are known only by colours, rather than names. You see, names and also the Voluval tattoos can give your true identity away in Minmatar culture, so the leaders of the Angel Cartel instead refer to themselves by colours. Mr. Red, Miss. Green, Mr. Orange, Old Boy Heliotrope, and so on and so forth. These names are often used even by female members of the Cartel.

Several of these names have particular associations.

Traditionally, Mr. Black is drawn from the Sebiestor members of the Cartel. Because they're usually light-skinned. Similarly, Mr. White is traditionally a Brutor, because they're generally dark-skinned. And Princess Peach is always a male Cartel leader.

That kind of childish humour is much appreciated by the Cartel members.

So.

The modern Cartel is divided into four divisions.

The "Archangels" are the main line branch, and chiefly concern themselves with goat farming, billiard sharpshooting, cheating at cards, and extreme spaceship violence upon people they don't like.

The "Salvation Angels" steal things that aren't bolted down, often things from the wreckage left in the wake of the Archangels, and use them to build, modify, and customise, the vast array of Angel ships and space stations.

The "Guardian Angels" are the division tasked with the Serpentis liason and co-operation efforts, and are the ones that operate and maintain the modified Serpentis ships.

The "Domination Angels", despite what the name suggests, are not involved in erotic bondage crime, and are in fact the command and co-ordination division of the Cartel. This is where you'll find Mr. White, Mr. Black, Princess Peach and that whole spectrum of rogues.


Activities of the modern cartel include, but are not limited to:

Crime.

Both organised and random. The Cartel involves itself in all sorts of shenanigans. From writing "OK" on Caldari paperwork that says "Do Not Write In This Space", to defacing Amarr coins by placing them on tramlines, to interstellar smuggling, and the interstellar slave trade, there is no criminal activity that the Cartel does not have an interest in.

Which brings them into conflict with many other entities. Such as the Great Cheese War, between the Cartel and Sansha's Nation, over the supply of cheese cubes and cocktail sticks.


If you suspect someone of being a Cartel member, then remember:

Do not play cards or billiards with them. Unless you're prepared to lose a lot of money. A Lot.


This concludes the guide to Angel Cartel culture and history.


Exam Questions:

1. Does the Dramiel frigate look like anything rude to you ? If so, why ?

2. Would you say that the decision by the Guardian Angels to combine both Gallente and Minmatar technology in the Serpentis Megathron-derived ships was justified ? Or would you say it was.... vindicated ?

3. Who even tattoos a goat ?

Very good and insightful post my komred.