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Planet in Delve claimed to have 'Bhaalgorns' living on it

Author
Shirley Serious
Gutter Press
#1 - 2016-02-27 09:22:41 UTC
News reaches Gutter Press, of a planet in Delve, that witnesses claim has "Bhaalgorns" living on it.

Demonic !

The witnesses, a group of planetary surveyors, claim that on a survey trip from a nearby capsuleer owned planetary industry starport, they observed several crude settlements populated by strange humanoid figures.

While unregistered populations of people are not unknown in New Eden, undiscovered primitive tribes of humans are still being found on remote planets every few years, what differentiates this discovery, was that the populace of the settlements appeared not to be human at all.

Supernatural !

Instead, in the images shown to Gutter Press, the people appeared to be 2 metres tall, with goat-like heads, complete with horns.

Horny !

The images also showed that the villages consisted of simple stone and wood huts, surrounded by fields of crops, though several structures were more complex, including what appeared to be temples of some sort, complete with statues, possibly of whichever deity these people worship.

Religious !

"I had never seen anything like this. Gave me the willies so it did", said one of the surveyors.
"It is a Sign. The End Times approach. Humans have displeased God, and He is planning to replace humans with demon people", said another of the surveyors.
"I ain't never seen nothing as weird as that. And I've seen them Gallente bodymodders", said another.

Unusual !

Gutter Press spoke with several experts about this apparent discovery

"Those statues look familiar. Hmmm. Very familiar indeed.", said an archaeologist. "Which raises more questions."
"I would suspect some kind of gene-engineered mutant, by some Covenant geneomancer, rather than divine origin. At least, without being able to examine these people myself", said a medical researcher.
"I have Not Heard of Anything Like this before. It may have Profound Implications", said a local planetary ruler.
"Omg, that's like, totes amazing. Like, omg ! We could totes use them in our routine, if they could dance and stuff." said a Delve resident exotic dancer.


Gutter Press. Information you didn't know you wanted.

Just the facts.

Morgan Wulver
Varyazi Clade
Round Table Assembly
#2 - 2016-02-27 10:51:07 UTC
I may be heavily inevbriated right now, but evenin my current state I know that this is either a blatant lie or an obvious affront to the Maker that needs to be corrected.

Seeing as you didn't seem to cite a specific planet in Delve, it seems I'll be forced to nuke every planet in the system from orbit just to be sure.

Kirjuun! Uakan! Teknikiara! Kanpai kameitsamuu! Ra ra ra!

Nauplius
Hoi Andrapodistai
#3 - 2016-02-27 15:14:04 UTC
Rejoice! Shirley Serious has escaped from Molok the Deceiver's lair whither she had been abducted by Molok's mistress, Samira Kernher!

As for this new discovery, I would suggest an experienced team of demonologists attempt to perform a binding on this newly discovered demon tribe, and if that doesn't work — orbital bombardment.
Elmund Egivand
Sebestacny Circle
#4 - 2016-02-27 16:11:44 UTC
Demons? They sound more like mutants and should be just as vulnerable to small arms fire as anyone made of flesh.

A Minmatar warship is like a rusting Beetle with 500 horsepower Cardillac engines in the rear, armour plating bolted to chassis and a M2 Browning stuck on top.

Deitra Vess
Non-Hostile Target
Wild Geese.
#5 - 2016-02-27 16:16:41 UTC
They seem like the perfect weapon to destroy lesser races, maybe someone should take an empty freightor (so the residents don't think your smuggling a strike force in) and collect them. I'm sure they'll be glad to help!
Aria Jenneth
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#6 - 2016-02-27 16:18:30 UTC
Nauplius wrote:
Rejoice! Shirley Serious has escaped from Molok the Deceiver's lair whither she had been abducted by Molok's mistress, Samira Kernher!

As for this new discovery, I would suggest an experienced team of demonologists attempt to perform a binding on this newly discovered demon tribe, and if that doesn't work — orbital bombardment.


Maybe this is where all those Bhaalgorns that failed to eat the Khanid Kingdom wandered off to?

(Actually, assuming these people actually exist, I'd guess that this is some sort of religious headdress.)
Nauplius
Hoi Andrapodistai
#7 - 2016-02-27 16:45:33 UTC
Aria Jenneth wrote:

Maybe this is where all those Bhaalgorns that failed to eat the Khanid Kingdom wandered off to?


Perhaps, Lady Jenneth, if people like you stopped interrupting my demon binding operations with your assaults on my Temples, we wouldn't have these problems of demons appearing all over the place.
Aria Jenneth
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#8 - 2016-02-27 19:14:53 UTC
Nauplius wrote:
Perhaps, Lady Jenneth, if people like you stopped interrupting my demon binding operations with your assaults on my Temples, we wouldn't have these problems of demons appearing all over the place.


If they're just going to go set up villages on remote planets, I'm not sure I see a problem, Mr. Nauplius.
Gosakumori Noh
Coven of One
#9 - 2016-02-27 19:31:07 UTC
Nauplius wrote:
As for this new discovery, I would suggest an experienced team of demonologists attempt to perform a binding on this newly discovered demon tribe...


Yes, yes! An excellent suggestion!

Nauplius wrote:
and if that doesn't work — orbital bombardment.


No! Don't blow them up!

I've just but a week or two ago settled my lycanthropic Sebiestor on a beautiful ice planet practically to the very edge of known space. A demonic tribe will make perfect playmates ten or a hundred thousand years from now - after Mankind has either been suitably obliterated for the sin of coming here in the first place; or, has erected such a mighty pillar of wreckage as to pierce the Halo of Heaven Itself, and Ascend.

I threw a lovely wreck on the pile just last night.

It was obviously a trap, but I wanted to see just how the trap would work. I must say, I have been overestimating the factional navies. A beautiful Caldari mandala has been wiped away, I know a little more about how navies (don't) work, some members of Mankind have atoned for the sin of being born in New Eden, and the mighty pillar of wreckage thrusts ever slightly higher toward the Halo of Heaven Itself!
Maguelone Sarpati
Doomheim
#10 - 2016-02-27 19:43:40 UTC
Gosakumori Noh wrote:
I've just but a week or two ago settled my lycanthropic Sebiestor on a beautiful ice planet practically to the very edge of known space. A demonic tribe will make perfect playmates ten or a hundred thousand years from now.


Lycanthropes fornicating with demons, what could go wrong? Oh... ick! Stop! Stop! Witch! Nun! Is it "witch" or "nun?" Nunwitch! They're licking themselves again! Stop that!

Why do I have to watch the werewolves!?

"Just use the shock collar, princess, that's what it's for!"

But they growl! AND STOP CALLING ME 'PRINCESS!'
Evelyn Valate
Church of The Crimson Saviour
#11 - 2016-02-27 22:40:43 UTC
Omg, I totally cannot like, believe what people are saying here !

Like, this like, peaceful tribe of people has been discovered ? And people are suggesting shooting at them from space ?

That's totes mean ! What did they ever do to you ?
Him Nao
Recurring Memories Heavy Industries
#12 - 2016-02-27 22:47:04 UTC
Evelyn Valate wrote:
Omg, I totally cannot like, believe what people are saying here !

Like, this like, peaceful tribe of people has been discovered ? And people are suggesting shooting at them from space ?

That's totes mean ! What did they ever do to you ?

Innocent people die every day. What makes them so special? If one of us can manufacture a reason in their own head, yep you guessed it.
Morgan Wulver
Varyazi Clade
Round Table Assembly
#13 - 2016-03-01 19:39:58 UTC  |  Edited by: Morgan Wulver
After thoroughly comparing the planets in Delve to the number of nuclear detonations required to cause a nuclear winter powerful enough to exterminate any species that has not yet invented the space heater, I have decided that such a course of action is combat ineffective.

Recommended solution: obtain one of these creatures for genetic experimentation to form a biological agent that grows malignant only when exposed to those with their specific genetic abnormalities. Therefore, I have a standing bounty of 100 million for anyone who can bring me a live sample of one of these abominations.

Goatmen go home.

Kirjuun! Uakan! Teknikiara! Kanpai kameitsamuu! Ra ra ra!

Nana Skalski
Taisaanat Kotei
#14 - 2016-03-09 13:50:12 UTC
Valerie Valate
Church of The Crimson Saviour
#15 - 2016-03-09 18:03:34 UTC
Nana Skalski wrote:
..and thus, new fetish was born.


If your fetish is bhaalgorns, then well...

You're going to have a bad time.

Doctor V. Valate, Professor of Archaeology at Kaztropolis Imperial University.