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Surviving the Corporate Jungle - a Guide to Caldari Culture

Author
Valerie Valate
Church of The Crimson Saviour
#1 - 2016-02-02 20:29:04 UTC
The Caldari people, have the reputation of being the shrewdest businesspeople in the Cluster, and for good reason.

To the unaware visitor, the rituals and customs of the State can seem peculiar and strange.

To successfully navigate the corporate jungle, here are some helpful pieces of advice:

1. Everything is for sale.

Just about everything may be bought and sold within the State. Everything you can imagine, and several more things that you can't imagine, are traded every day, with trillions of ISK and other currencies changing hands, in the ever-swirling tornado that is the Caldari financial markets.

Some advanced things that are traded, are so esoteric that few in the entire cluster actually know what they are, or how they actually work. Financial instruments, that play the sweet, sweet sound of making money.

2. Be careful what you say.

Because of this, everything that a Caldari says, has the potential to reveal financial information about something. This is why many Caldari are very taciturn and speak seldom.
Asking a Caldari person "How was your day ?", while you are attempting to be polite, you are in fact asking them for information that may reveal things about them, their employer, or the State itself, that other persons may be able to exploit for financial gain.

This is why Caldari are often very reserved in their communications with others.

3. Gambling is a big thing.

The Caldari love to gamble on all sorts of things.
Animal races, fighting robots, sportball games, whether the price of something will go higher or lower.
Betting can become very wild, and while it is tempting to join in, you may end up losing your shirt, or worse, due to lack of knowledge on what exactly it is that you are betting on.

4. Mind Clash is an important sport.

Mind Clash. A trial of wills. Two Caldari enter, and stare at each other until one of them falls over. That is the fundamental essence of the sport. There are spectacular visuals added in most Mind Clash tournaments, for the benefit of the spectators, allowing them to follow the action, and place larger and larger bets on when one of the contestants will fall over.

5. Exotic Dance is not a thing as you know it.

While there are some entertainment establishments in the State that feature "Exotic Dance", it is far different from "Exotic Dance" establishments in say, the Federation.
Some venues, the patrons buy and sell clothes to and from the dancers, and each other, the price of those clothes varying according to several factors, and allowing some patrons to make money by careful trading.
Nudity is very, very rare in Caldari establishments, due to strong cultural prohibitions against that sort of thing.

6. Many Caldari look similar.

This is a function of their Tube Child program, which allowed the Caldari to repopulate their bloodline, following the First War of Gallente Aggression.
Try not to bring it up, as it is a sometimes controversial subject.

7. Caldari Prime is a sensitive topic.

The status of the ancestral home planet of the Caldari is one of the most divisive subjects of discussion in the entire State. Try not to mention it if at all possible, as your opinion is likely to cause offence to someone, regardless of what your opinion is.

8. Brand Loyalty has a far greater meaning in the State.

If you like a particular brand of a product or service, in the State, this has much greater meaning, due to how their society is organised, with the Megacorporations providing a vast array of products and services to the populace. Product brand loyalty, and expressions of it, can be as fierce as any other contest in New Eden, such as inter-House rivalry in the Empire, or inter-Tribal rivalry in the Republic. Be very careful if expressing an opinion about a product or service.

9. Drink Starsi.

It tastes like Revengeā„¢.
Starsi is one of the more common soft drink brands in the State. They have a very fierce rivalry with Quafe Corporation. Very fierce.


Armed with the above knowledge, a visitor to the State can expect to spend their time efficiently, productively, and profitably.

Doctor V. Valate, Professor of Archaeology at Kaztropolis Imperial University.

Morgan Wulver
SAYR Reserve Guard
SAYR Galactic
#2 - 2016-02-02 20:46:19 UTC
This all seems fairly accurate, if not slightly underwhelming. I guess that as a citizen of the State all these tips seem mundane and self-evident rather than something that needs explaining to outsides.

Now who wants to place bets on how fast I can down this bottle of Starsi?

Kirjuun! Uakan! Teknikiara! Kanpai kameitsamuu! Ra ra ra!

Desiderya
Blue Canary
Watch This
#3 - 2016-02-02 20:59:29 UTC
In the Caldari State, Starsi downs you.

Ruthlessness is the kindness of the wise.

Gosakumori Noh
Coven of One
#4 - 2016-02-02 21:09:06 UTC
Brilliant, darling. Absolutely brilliant. It may be your best guide yet. Maybe? No, it is! The definitive guide! Have you thought about rating restaurants?

On the subject of nudity in the State, I have long wondered why Diana turns bright pink whenever I try to discuss the symbolism of the muscular, naked thighs which Synthia incorporated into Vitalia's statue. And look here at the magnificent buttocks curvature. You could just lay it right on the magic spiral and... oh, she's pink again.

Doesn't it seem a little odd though for a civilization born from a glass test tube to have nudity issues?

Anyway, I understand why "maniacal terrorist" is a non-starter, Diana, sweetie; but would you be more amenable to "calculating guerrilla?"
Nauplius
Hoi Andrapodistai
#5 - 2016-02-02 22:33:42 UTC
Valerie Valate wrote:

1. Everything is for sale.


Except slaves. But in the coming of the Blood Age, this deficiency will be corrected. The Caldari will bend the knee before the Chosen, and flesh markets will be everywhere throughout Lonetrek, Black Rise, The Citadel, and The Forge. Even so, may the Blood Age come quickly. Amen. Amarr Victor.
Deitra Vess
Non-Hostile Target
Wild Geese.
#6 - 2016-02-02 23:18:33 UTC
Is there alot of betting on how much Starsi a batch of tube children can drink on Caldari Prime? Would it be impolite to ask a Naapani about their loyalty to the store they buy Quafe as opposed to Starsi while watching a Mind Clash match and confusing them with another guy? Think I covered everything....
Yatolila Koskanaiken
Nagles Capital Management
#7 - 2016-02-03 18:15:52 UTC
A few oversimplifications, but an admirable effort nonetheless.
Diana Kim
State Protectorate
Caldari State
#8 - 2016-02-03 18:38:36 UTC
Valerie Valate wrote:

1. Everything is for sale.

Except illegal goods, e.g. drugs, toxic waste, and so on.

Honored are the dead, for their legacy guides us.

In memory of Tibus Heth, Caldari State Executor YC110-115, Hero and Patriot.

Diana Kim
State Protectorate
Caldari State
#9 - 2016-02-03 18:43:05 UTC
Gosakumori Noh wrote:

Doesn't it seem a little odd though for a civilization born from a glass test tube to have nudity issues?

I have been born through not so see through natural way. Thanks.
On other hand, we all clones (capsuleers) were born from the cloning vats.

Gosakumori Noh wrote:

Anyway, I understand why "maniacal terrorist" is a non-starter, Diana, sweetie; but would you be more amenable to "calculating guerrilla?"

Negative. I am more amenable to be a professional soldier rather than guerilla.

Honored are the dead, for their legacy guides us.

In memory of Tibus Heth, Caldari State Executor YC110-115, Hero and Patriot.

Gosakumori Noh
Coven of One
#10 - 2016-02-03 20:18:30 UTC
Diana Kim wrote:
Gosakumori Noh wrote:

Anyway, I understand why "maniacal terrorist" is a non-starter, Diana, sweetie; but would you be more amenable to "calculating guerrilla?"

Negative. I am more amenable to be a professional soldier rather than guerilla.


Foiled again!

But there must be professional soldiers who sabotage the enemy, both in materials and morale. Commandos, yes? Snipers? Special teams? No, right, that's punt return...
Elmund Egivand
Tribal Liberation Force
Minmatar Republic
#11 - 2016-02-04 01:14:20 UTC
Gosakumori Noh wrote:
Diana Kim wrote:
Gosakumori Noh wrote:

Anyway, I understand why "maniacal terrorist" is a non-starter, Diana, sweetie; but would you be more amenable to "calculating guerrilla?"

Negative. I am more amenable to be a professional soldier rather than guerilla.


Foiled again!

But there must be professional soldiers who sabotage the enemy, both in materials and morale. Commandos, yes? Snipers? Special teams? No, right, that's punt return...


Psy-Ops? Those guys tend to not appear as soldiers far as I know. Usually disguised as civilians so as not to draw attention.

They also tend to make extensive use of cyberwarfare specialists, whose purpose is to deface the media and to unleash propaganda upon the populace.

If you are talking about supply lines, yeah, everybody attacks supply lines. It's warfare 101, go attack the supply lines.

A Minmatar warship is like a rusting Beetle with 500 horsepower Cardillac engines in the rear, armour plating bolted to chassis and a M2 Browning stuck on top.

Gosakumori Noh
Coven of One
#12 - 2016-02-04 01:32:07 UTC
Elmund Egivand wrote:
Psy-Ops? Those guys tend to not appear as soldiers far as I know. Usually disguised as civilians so as not to draw attention.

They also tend to make extensive use of cyberwarfare specialists, whose purpose is to deface the media and to unleash propaganda upon the populace.

If you are talking about supply lines, yeah, everybody attacks supply lines. It's warfare 101, go attack the supply lines.


Psy-Ops! Yes, yes! I was concerned that I was thinking of Psy(chic) but of course Psy(chology) is also Psy (as is that adorable Jin Mei singer). You simply have to play mind games, I mean, wasn't there a Sobaseki Chrysanthemum in that first conflict between the State and the Federation?

And yes, yes! You go behind lines and blow up things that send other things to the front line. I mean, you have to do that or else you just keep getting more things meeting on the front line and nobody gets anywhere for years and years and... well, yes. There is that.

But but but! Sometimes, it just works. Sometimes, you take advantage of a dastardly... (er, by which I mean BRILLIANT! A toast! To the Elder Fleet!)... attack on CONCORD headquarters to go behind lines and (re)capture an entire planet. Think of it, Diana, darling, even with the Executor gone it is still possible to manifest little bits of him in daily life.

Doing the unexpected is entirely professional!
Elmund Egivand
Tribal Liberation Force
Minmatar Republic
#13 - 2016-02-04 01:58:49 UTC
It's alot more difficult to attack supply lines ever since the advent of the Jump Freighters. It used to mean attacking caravans while they are en-route. Nowadays? It means fighting in the enemy's own turf and attacking POSes.

People do still use more traditional means of supplying the war effort, by use of Blockade Runners.

A Minmatar warship is like a rusting Beetle with 500 horsepower Cardillac engines in the rear, armour plating bolted to chassis and a M2 Browning stuck on top.

Luna Hanaya
Imperial Academy
Amarr Empire
#14 - 2016-02-04 21:21:49 UTC
Desiderya wrote:
In the Caldari State, Starsi downs you.

If I don't want to be downed, can I come with my own drinks?...

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Pieter Tuulinen
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#15 - 2016-02-04 23:29:13 UTC
Tube kids tend not to have nudity hangups, due to our early lives in the barracks. Obviously candidates from the same batches can look fairly similar - I guess our tendency to marry within our races means that most Civire display Civire physical traits and so forth.

Diana, I believe, was originally raised in a Monastery - which might well explain the differences between our upbringing.

For the first time since I started the conversation, he looks me dead in the eye. In his gaze are steel jackhammers, quiet vengeance, a hundred thousand orbital bombs frozen in still life.

Diana Kim
State Protectorate
Caldari State
#16 - 2016-02-05 00:48:57 UTC
Pieter Tuulinen wrote:
Tube kids tend not to have nudity hangups, due to our early lives in the barracks. Obviously candidates from the same batches can look fairly similar - I guess our tendency to marry within our races means that most Civire display Civire physical traits and so forth.

Diana, I believe, was originally raised in a Monastery - which might well explain the differences between our upbringing.

Mr. Tuulinen, I don't think it is polite theorizing about other's personal information, especially if it is correct.
Besides, I have ran away from them when I was eleven or twelve and joined the academy. The rest of my life I lived in the State just like all other kids, who have displayed merits to be selected into the Navy academy.

Honored are the dead, for their legacy guides us.

In memory of Tibus Heth, Caldari State Executor YC110-115, Hero and Patriot.

Valerie Valate
Church of The Crimson Saviour
#17 - 2016-02-07 09:43:04 UTC
Pieter Tuulinen wrote:
Tube kids tend not to have nudity hangups, due to our early lives in the barracks. Obviously candidates from the same batches can look fairly similar - I guess our tendency to marry within our races means that most Civire display Civire physical traits and so forth.


Good heavens, you've changed your hair.

Needless to say, the similarity between individuals can cause a problem. If you were to greet someone as an old friend, but actually it was someone else, then, there is considerable awkwardness, as the Caldari would try and explain that they are not who you think they are, without causing either themselves, or you, to lose face.

Why, I heard a tale once, of a Civire man who ended up in a 20 year marriage contract, because he was too polite to bring up the subject with the Civire woman that he was married to, that she was actually thinking of his identical twin brother, as to mention it, would cause both of them to lose face.

Doctor V. Valate, Professor of Archaeology at Kaztropolis Imperial University.

Quattras Peione
Caldari Provisions
Caldari State
#18 - 2016-02-17 07:19:13 UTC
Nauplius wrote:

The Caldari will bend the knee before the Chosen, and flesh markets will be everywhere throughout Lonetrek, Black Rise, The Citadel, and The Forge.


Over a pile of my freeze-dried corpses.

Dr. Quattras Alvar Peione

No, I'm not that kind of doctor.

Pieter Tuulinen
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#19 - 2016-02-17 16:34:37 UTC
Quattras Peione wrote:
Nauplius wrote:

The Caldari will bend the knee before the Chosen, and flesh markets will be everywhere throughout Lonetrek, Black Rise, The Citadel, and The Forge.


Over a pile of my freeze-dried corpses.


Let me just second that.

For the first time since I started the conversation, he looks me dead in the eye. In his gaze are steel jackhammers, quiet vengeance, a hundred thousand orbital bombs frozen in still life.

Sinjin Mokk
Ministry of War
Amarr Empire
#20 - 2016-02-17 16:45:40 UTC
Pieter Tuulinen wrote:
Quattras Peione wrote:
Nauplius wrote:

The Caldari will bend the knee before the Chosen, and flesh markets will be everywhere throughout Lonetrek, Black Rise, The Citadel, and The Forge.


Over a pile of my freeze-dried corpses.


Let me just second that.



Gentlemen,


Can we please stop enabling the heretic? The more you reply to his antics, the more you inspire him.

Thank you.

"Angels live, they never die, Apart from us, behind the sky. They're fading souls who've turned to ice, So ashen white in paradise."