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"Bhaalgorns" reportedly seen on Khanid Kingdom planets

Author
Shirley Serious
Gutter Press
#1 - 2015-12-14 18:18:45 UTC
Reports have reached Gutter Press, of "bhaalgorns" being spotted in the Khanid Kingdom, by a number of worried citizens.

The majority of the reports come from Afnakat VI, where a number of citizens claim to have seen the "bhaalgorns" committing numerous crimes, such as livestock abduction, property damage, and fire-raising.

The "bhaalgorn" was reported by one witness, a commoner farmer, as being around twice the height of a man, with the horns and feet of a goat.

Gutter Press agents spoke to the farmer, who had this to say: "I was watching the slaver hound trials, when I heard a noise from outside. I look out me window, and there's this beast, battering at the door to the barn. I said to my wife, so I did, I said, 'get the laser gun, there's some critter out there', then when she handed me my gun, I go out, and fire a few rounds at it, then it ran off. Twice the size of a normal man, I reckon, but with horns and stuff. Gave me the willies, it did."

A number of other residents of Afnakat VI also reported seeing a shadowy figure in the night, though few claimed to have had a close look at it.

Kingdom authorities are sceptical. We asked a local police sergeant for her opinion: "I doubt it to be a bhaalgorn. It is far more probable that this is some kind of cybernetic device, constructed by the heretic Covenant, the immoral Gallente, or the heathen Minmatar, than a literal demon. Unless tissue samples, or a corpse, are presented, that's my opinion."

A number of cryptozoologists from across the Kingdom have declared their intentions to photograph or capture the beasts.

Meanwhile, local gunsmiths have reported an increase in sales of hunting lasers.


Gutter Press. News.

Just the facts.

Tyrel Toov
Non-Hostile Target
Wild Geese.
#2 - 2015-12-14 19:00:54 UTC
Truth? I was messing around with bio engineering and needed a place to dump the result. Figured that one Amarrian trash heap of a world is as good as the next....




*Grabs the popcorn and waits*

I want to paint my ship Periwinkle.

Silvox Lunae
Perkone
Caldari State
#3 - 2015-12-14 20:46:33 UTC
Another high quality report as expected of Gutter Press.
Nauplius
Hoi Andrapodistai
#4 - 2015-12-15 00:33:25 UTC
It is obvious who is to blame for the appearance of demons in the Khanid Kingdom. The fault lies with PIE, SFRIM, and the other False Amarrians who destroyed the Demon Summoning Temple over three months ago. The destruction of that Temple caused the demons that had been summoned by the expert demonologists living there to become unbound, rampaging throughout the terrestrial plane at ever greater remove from the purpose for which they were originally summoned. Now, these unbound demons have reached the Khanid Kingdom.

In response to this reporting by Shirley Serious, I have constructed a Demon Binding Temple in an attempt to bring these demons back under control. This Temple has been placed among the moons of Afnakat VI, as close as possible to the location of the demon outbreak. Because demon binding rituals demand the sacrifice of slaves, 27,500 filthy Minmatar subhumans have been supplied to the Demon Binding Temple. Let all of Greater Amarria be warned: do not interfere with the re-binding of these demons, lest we suffer additional demon outbreaks in the future. Amen. Amarr Victor.

P. S. Shirley Serious, will you please go on another date with me. I pine away for you every day.
Deitra Vess
Non-Hostile Target
Wild Geese.
#5 - 2015-12-15 01:15:01 UTC
Nauplius wrote:
It is obvious who is to blame for the appearance of demons in the Khanid Kingdom. The fault lies with...

Mind flood and an overactive imagination. that or maybe god is punishing the Khanid people for allowing you to be born. One or the other...
Elmund Egivand
Sebestacny Circle
#6 - 2015-12-15 01:19:26 UTC
Nauplius wrote:
It is obvious who is to blame for the appearance of demons in the Khanid Kingdom. The fault lies with PIE, SFRIM, and the other False Amarrians who destroyed the Demon Summoning Temple over three months ago. The destruction of that Temple caused the demons that had been summoned by the expert demonologists living there to become unbound, rampaging throughout the terrestrial plane at ever greater remove from the purpose for which they were originally summoned. Now, these unbound demons have reached the Khanid Kingdom.

In response to this reporting by Shirley Serious, I have constructed a Demon Binding Temple in an attempt to bring these demons back under control. This Temple has been placed among the moons of Afnakat VI, as close as possible to the location of the demon outbreak. Because demon binding rituals demand the sacrifice of slaves, 27,500 filthy Minmatar subhumans have been supplied to the Demon Binding Temple. Let all of Greater Amarria be warned: do not interfere with the re-binding of these demons, lest we suffer additional demon outbreaks in the future. Amen. Amarr Victor.

P. S. Shirley Serious, will you please go on another date with me. I pine away for you every day.


If someone tells you that whenever a Sebiestor craps something out of his brain a demon will pop up in front of the Sarum Palace gates on Mekhios to **** on it, you will probably believe him.

Good luck with your imaginary demons, btw.

A Minmatar warship is like a rusting Beetle with 500 horsepower Cardillac engines in the rear, armour plating bolted to chassis and a M2 Browning stuck on top.

Nauplius
Hoi Andrapodistai
#7 - 2015-12-15 02:03:03 UTC
Elmund Egivand wrote:

If someone tells you that whenever a Sebiestor craps something out of his brain a demon will pop up in front of the Sarum Palace gates on Mekhios to **** on it, you will probably believe him.

Good luck with your imaginary demons, btw.


If that "someone" works for Gutter Press, I might believe him, but otherwise probably not.
Anyanka Funk
Doomheim
#8 - 2015-12-15 03:55:50 UTC
This is the stupidest thread I've ever seen.
Tamiroth
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#9 - 2015-12-15 08:14:41 UTC  |  Edited by: Tamiroth
What is this ridiculous nonsense, I don't even... (sighs)
Nauplius
Hoi Andrapodistai
#10 - 2015-12-15 12:05:42 UTC
Once upon a time, Gutter Press peppered its articles with one word paragraph exclamations such as the following —

Shocking!

Gutter Press should resume this distinctive literary style in the future. Amen. Amarr Victor.
Seraphim Risen
Stimulus
Rote Kapelle
#11 - 2015-12-15 16:22:49 UTC
A Bhaalgorn made me welp my Paladin! I saw it! It was stalking my crew in my ship! Lol

Never not badpost.

Deitra Vess
Non-Hostile Target
Wild Geese.
#12 - 2015-12-15 16:34:20 UTC
Seraphim Risen wrote:
A Bhaalgorn made me welp my Paladin! I saw it! It was stalking my crew in my ship! Lol

Good excuse! Highly doubt your getting srped however...

Ugh
Kano Hurtini
Native Freshfood
Minmatar Republic
#13 - 2015-12-15 17:28:23 UTC
Glorious, the most rightful rulers of the galaxy sees things that are not there again. Maybe we should worry about them if fictive demons and abominations are what their heads spawn?

Also since it needs to be said, Gutter Press is at best entertainment of an much hilarious nature: not news.
Aldrith Shutaq
PIE Inc.
Praetoria Imperialis Excubitoris
#14 - 2015-12-15 17:44:24 UTC
And people wonder why we Amarr censor our media.

Aldrith Ter'neth Shutaq Newelle

Fleet Captain of the Praetoria Imperialis Excubitoris

Divine Commodore of the 24th Imperial Crusade

Lord Consort of Lady Mitara Newelle, Champion of House Sarum and Holder of Damnidios Para'nashu

Arrendis
GoonWaffe
Goonswarm Federation
#15 - 2015-12-15 22:21:37 UTC
Aldrith Shutaq wrote:
And people wonder why we Amarr censor our media.


Because you fear a free and open exchange of ideas, of course. Duh.
Muck Raker
Gutter Press
#16 - 2015-12-15 23:25:40 UTC
Nauplius wrote:
Once upon a time, Gutter Press peppered its articles with one word paragraph exclamations such as the following —

Shocking!

Gutter Press should resume this distinctive literary style in the future. Amen. Amarr Victor.


A survey revealed that Amarr readers of Amarr-related news were not in favour of this style, whereas Gallente readers of Gallente-related news were in favour of it.

Different !

Accordingly, Gutter Press Interstellar Media Corporation altered the corporate style guide that our journalists and agents adhere to.

Should societal opinions change, Gutter Press Interstellar Media Corporation will reflect this.

Rumours, Wars, Rumours of Wars, Wars of Rumours!

Kador Ouryon
The Scope
Gallente Federation
#17 - 2015-12-15 23:30:56 UTC  |  Edited by: Kador Ouryon
Arrendis wrote:
Aldrith Shutaq wrote:
And people wonder why we Amarr censor our media.


Because you worry about the free and open exchange of stupidity, of course. Duh.


That's more like it.

What fills the soul? Something that guides a lost child back to it's parents arms. Or waves that dye the shores of the heart gold. A blessed breath to nurture life in a land of wheat. Or the path the Sef descend drawn in ash. In the wake of fire.

Nauplius
Hoi Andrapodistai
#18 - 2015-12-16 00:18:18 UTC
Muck Raker wrote:
Nauplius wrote:
Once upon a time, Gutter Press peppered its articles with one word paragraph exclamations such as the following —

Shocking!

Gutter Press should resume this distinctive literary style in the future. Amen. Amarr Victor.


A survey revealed that Amarr readers of Amarr-related news were not in favour of this style, whereas Gallente readers of Gallente-related news were in favour of it.

Different !

Accordingly, Gutter Press Interstellar Media Corporation altered the corporate style guide that our journalists and agents adhere to.

Should societal opinions change, Gutter Press Interstellar Media Corporation will reflect this.


Given that I am the only pilot on the IGS with a positive opinion of Gutter Press (and certainly the only one who makes military and religious asset deployment decisions based on Gutter Press reporting), my opinion counts more than that of anonymous survey takers. I demand the use of one word paragraph exclamations in all Gutter Press articles.
Arrendis
GoonWaffe
Goonswarm Federation
#19 - 2015-12-16 02:26:55 UTC
Kador Ouryon wrote:
Arrendis wrote:
Aldrith Shutaq wrote:
And people wonder why we Amarr censor our media.


Because you worry about the free and open exchange of stupidity, of course. Duh.


That's more like it.


Worry is fear.
Anyanka Funk
Doomheim
#20 - 2015-12-16 02:50:51 UTC
Nauplius wrote:
Muck Raker wrote:
Nauplius wrote:
Once upon a time, Gutter Press peppered its articles with one word paragraph exclamations such as the following —

Shocking!

Gutter Press should resume this distinctive literary style in the future. Amen. Amarr Victor.


A survey revealed that Amarr readers of Amarr-related news were not in favour of this style, whereas Gallente readers of Gallente-related news were in favour of it.

Different !

Accordingly, Gutter Press Interstellar Media Corporation altered the corporate style guide that our journalists and agents adhere to.

Should societal opinions change, Gutter Press Interstellar Media Corporation will reflect this.


Given that I am the only pilot on the IGS with a positive opinion of Gutter Press (and certainly the only one who makes military and religious asset deployment decisions based on Gutter Press reporting), my opinion counts more than that of anonymous survey takers. I demand the use of one word paragraph exclamations in all Gutter Press articles.

Childish!
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