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Sojourn
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Aria Jenneth
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#161 - 2015-10-28 00:16:02 UTC  |  Edited by: Aria Jenneth
Entry Twenty-Four: Black Ink

What am I doing back here? Well....

As time's gone on, I'm less sure of the thesis that took me looking for "the Black." I'm not sure I was wrong, but I think there's more to it than just capsuleers being pushed away from their original cultures and towards little tribal circles.

There's also a-- pressure's not the word-- a poisonous quality, a toxicity to what we do.

It's not like being capsuleers makes us bad people. It's not that simple, but our existence is built on an economy of extermination.

We're not small-scale weapons. Our careers are built either on snuffing out the lives of sapient creatures, be it by tens, hundreds, thousands, or tens of hundreds of thousands, or else on constructing the tools to do so.

(There might be exceptions, but, not a lot.)

Whether our targets deserve what we give them's kind of irrelevant.

Some of us like to pretend that this isn't so, that we can be (and they themselves are) agents of justice with no little whiff of murder attached. Others shrug it off, or even embrace it. It's not very often that I've run into people treating it not as something to be denied or embraced, but as an issue to be addressed.

The Society, and, to a lesser degree, the Amarr generally, did some of that.

In a very real way, I think that's a cultural quality. Soldiers and such have had to deal with this sort of thing (maybe to a lesser degree, maybe not) since pretty much the dawn of time. Speaking in the most general terms, the Caldari see existence as a crucible, so if it doesn't kill you or cripple you, and it's useful, that's all to the good. The Gallente seem to see war broadly in terms of heroes and villains, and heroes aren't supposed to be tainted by what they've seen and done. The Matari ... I'm not sure, so I shouldn't try to say.

The Amarr also see a lot of their work in terms of fighting the good fight, or not, but they're also trying to build something better and more pure in this world. It seems like, often if not always, they understand that eliminating an enemy from the world darkens a soul a little, even if it was God's will.

Maybe that's why, generally, Amarrian capsuleers seem to be something else, first.

And, I think I kind of need that right now.

I'll try not to be talking about this sort of thing very often, but ...

Recently, I had this dream. I'd been caught by Blood Raiders, so, of course, I was expecting to be disposed of some way or other. They gave me this brush, which connected by a tube to a needle in my wrist, and told me to paint for them. And I figured, oh well, at least it doesn't hurt much, so I set to work and, my dream self being apparently a better artist than I am, started doing scrolls. And they came out pretty well, only, instead of red, the "ink" from the brush was this lovely high-quality black.

And the Blood Raiders, who're all looking a little goblin-y while at the same time being dressed up like a bunch of feudal Achur scholars (so, not very Blood Raider at all, but I knew that's what they were because: dream) are all praising my artistry and the quality of my blood. Clone blood-- so pure.

And I'm thinking, pure what?

It's still important to me to be a useful person, and, it's pretty clear what I'm useful for. It's just, I also don't seem to be immune to the effects. It might be possible to have a soul that wouldn't be etched or eroded by killing others. If so, apparently, it's not mine.

I could use a little grounding, right now.

I'm not sure the Gallente would think I deserve help; I made my choices freely and can suffer for them. I'm not sure the Caldari would think I needed it, aside from maybe a stiff drink.

But ... even if the Amarr and I disagree about a lot of things, and even if I never worship their god or become a subject of their Empire ... I can pretty well trust them to take an interest in the state of my soul.

So, if nothing else ... I guess I'm looking to make sure that if I'm pricked, I bleed red, like everyone else, even in my dreams.
Nauplius
Hoi Andrapodistai
#162 - 2015-10-28 11:35:03 UTC
Aria Jenneth wrote:

Recently, I had this dream. I'd been caught by Blood Raiders, so, of course, I was expecting to be disposed of some way or other. They gave me this brush, which connected by a tube to a needle in my wrist, and told me to paint for them. And I figured, oh well, at least it doesn't hurt much, so I set to work and, my dream self being apparently a better artist than I am, started doing scrolls. And they came out pretty well, only, instead of red, the "ink" from the brush was this lovely high-quality black.


The meaning of your dream is obvious. Your blood is black because you have turned away from the Red God, and so nothing but blackness fills your soul. I mean, this shouldn't be hard — you want Red Blood, then you probably want the Red God, the Blood God to help you out with that.

P. S. I have ordered my enslaved Sebiestor Science Graduates to begin inventing blood paintbrushes that can be attached to wrists or other blood supplies. Thank you for the idea, Lady Jenneth. Amen. Amarr Victor.
Lord Kailethre
Tengoo Uninstallation Service
#163 - 2015-10-28 12:35:36 UTC
Thanks Aria.
Look at what you've done.
Aria Jenneth
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#164 - 2015-10-28 12:48:46 UTC
Lord Kailethre wrote:
Thanks Aria.
Look at what you've done.

Thought about that before posting, actually. He's done worse. A lot.

Not feeling much remorse over this one.
Elmund Egivand
Tribal Liberation Force
Minmatar Republic
#165 - 2015-10-28 13:00:24 UTC
Aria Jenneth wrote:
Lord Kailethre wrote:
Thanks Aria.
Look at what you've done.

Thought about that before posting, actually. He's done worse. A lot.

Not feeling much remorse over this one.


PIE will kick that tower over in due time.

A Minmatar warship is like a rusting Beetle with 500 horsepower Cardillac engines in the rear, armour plating bolted to chassis and a M2 Browning stuck on top.
Aldrith Shutaq
Atash e Sarum Vanguard
#166 - 2015-10-28 16:32:52 UTC
We'll see.

Aldrith Ter'neth Shutaq Newelle

Fleet Captain of the Praetoria Imperialis Excubitoris

Divine Commodore of the 24th Imperial Crusade

Lord Consort of Lady Mitara Newelle, Champion of House Sarum and Holder of Damnidios Para'nashu
Aria Jenneth
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#167 - 2015-10-28 19:12:14 UTC
Aldrith Shutaq wrote:
We'll see.


Will you?
Aria Jenneth
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#168 - 2015-11-01 06:54:23 UTC  |  Edited by: Aria Jenneth
Entry Twenty-Five: Fauna

More than one person seems to have looked at my reflections from a few days ago and concluded that I need more life in my life.

This has manifested in two ways. Both ... I guess we'll see, over time.

Strangely, the manifestation that can get up and run around and bite my fingers might be the simpler of the two. He's about a quarter-meter long, wriggly as a basket of live eels, and will chase a laser pointer's dot two meters straight up a wall without a moment's thought.

I'll have to train him not to be quite so easy to distract.

I received him from someone who might have reason to want me to fall, to become my antecedent-- or else just to vanish from this world. There's more than a hint of mercy, even kindness, in the gesture, though. He's to be a companion, a friend, when no one else will.

Someone who won't lie to me.

I don't want to be someone who can rely on no other friend, but ...

... if she's right, this is the world we all occupy. Those are the sorts of people we are.

I don't think that's true, but it's not hard to see how it's a conclusion people, even we, ourselves, would come to.

Whether she's right or not, it's good to have someone like this, even if I'm getting lots of chances to see the color of my blood. (It's red, by the way. Yay?) It's a life I'm responsible for, and that it's okay for me to get close to: one that's not as hard to destroy as I am, but that I can actively want not to lose while still being able to do my job.

Thinking of names, though....

He's getting accustomed to me already. I'd best think of one soon.
Lyn Farel
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#169 - 2015-11-01 09:54:33 UTC
What... is the second manifestation...?
Aria Jenneth
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#170 - 2015-11-01 17:49:37 UTC  |  Edited by: Aria Jenneth
Entry Twenty-Six: Flora

The second manifestation is my "spiritual exercises" this month for SFRIM. I'm helping Directrix Aspenstar look after her garden exhibits.

Gardening gets used for metaphors a lot. It would be easy to think of, oh, some sorts of law enforcement or even warfare as pruning or weeding. That sort of thinking seems like it leads some awful places, though.

Best leave the metaphors outside and deal with gardening as gardening: cultivating plant life.

The basic methods and tools of gardening have existed for time well out of memory. As long as there's been any kind of civilization on any world, people have been doing this. It's not quite at the opposite end of a scale of human activity from capsule piloting, though-- I think that might be hiking, which humans have presumably been doing even longer and doesn't inherently require tools (even if you might have to do it barefoot to get the proper ancestral experience).

Gardening does want tools. Mostly simple ones, though, unless you're going to be wheeling out chemical pest-control methods and so on.

Directrix Aspenstar links this to an awareness of being human, living, in contact with creation, getting covered in dirt instead of ectoplasm.

To the degree that I might be sick at spirit, I don't think that's the problem, exactly. I'm definitely human. I feel human. It's not like I've started to think of myself as a monster, a technological mechanism, or a disembodied spirit.

... but killers are people apart.

That's not to say that I think this isn't a good idea. My reasons might be a little different, though.

The connections between living things are very clear, in the process of gardening. Plants tend to want good, rich soil in which to grow. Some tend to impoverish the soil, others renew it, but good soil comes mostly from decay in the first place. Microbes breaking down dead matter.

The part I'm working, currently, is a (slightly miniaturized) colonial garden. It's full of food plants-- there's not much here you can't eat. So, right here, the link between these systems and me is ... pretty obvious. And I sort of help things along.

This is a little bit of a fiction. The garden's in a little climate-controlled bubble of life and warmth. Outside is ... deadly. But then, I guess, a domed colony like the one this garden simulates is like that, too. Actually, a terrestrial biosphere might be the most bubble-like of all: a thin, hollow, fragile sphere wrapped around a sterile ball and surrounded by hard vacuum and radiation.

Life's fragile, wherever you go.

Pretty tenacious, though, as the weeds testify.
Aria Jenneth
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#171 - 2015-11-03 16:56:52 UTC  |  Edited by: Aria Jenneth
Update:

I'm naming the little one Meogoleh.

He always seems to be hungry, so ...

It's "Will you eat?" in my home dialect.
Darian en Chasteaux
Aliastra
Gallente Federation
#172 - 2015-11-05 00:42:58 UTC
Greetings,

Aria, are you confirmed Amarr (yet)? You sheet music has been difficult to play, even for a musician such as I.

I have seen contradictions in many places in life; be careful of them; I sense only small contradictions here within; so small I wouldnt even worry about them; the cloning will probly eradicate them in time.

You seem to have a 'TRUE' sense about yourself; there may be confusion, but I sense alignment and purpose; never forget this; we all have purpose; it just takes a long time to nurture, grow, and be recognized.

The Minmatar seem to wish to encroach and deal attrocities against Amarr; I disagree with this but yet I align with it only in small ways.

Your music speaks of unheard of harmonies in New Eden; I sense a symphony in the making; if only the Minmatar could hear.

Darian
Neph
Crimson Serpent Syndicate
#173 - 2015-11-05 00:54:29 UTC
Darian en Chasteaux wrote:
The Minmatar seem to wish to encroach and deal attrocities against Amarr; I disagree with this but yet I align with it only in small ways.


Many Matari have such wishes borne of the pain from the encroachment and atrocities dealt upon their brothers and grandmothers. The memory of what was done centuries ago feels pretty fresh when similar acts still are being proudly done.

~ Gariushi YC110 // Midular YC115 // Yanala YC115 ~

"Orte Jaitovalte sitasuyti ne obuetsa useuut ishu. Ketsiak ishiulyn." -Yakiya Tovil-Toba-taisoka
Aria Jenneth
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#174 - 2015-11-05 15:29:09 UTC  |  Edited by: Aria Jenneth
Darian en Chasteaux wrote:
Greetings,

Aria, are you confirmed Amarr (yet)? You sheet music has been difficult to play, even for a musician such as I.

I have seen contradictions in many places in life; be careful of them; I sense only small contradictions here within; so small I wouldnt even worry about them; the cloning will probly eradicate them in time.

You seem to have a 'TRUE' sense about yourself; there may be confusion, but I sense alignment and purpose; never forget this; we all have purpose; it just takes a long time to nurture, grow, and be recognized.

The Minmatar seem to wish to encroach and deal attrocities against Amarr; I disagree with this but yet I align with it only in small ways.

Your music speaks of unheard of harmonies in New Eden; I sense a symphony in the making; if only the Minmatar could hear.

Darian


Thank you for your kind words.

I'm not confirmed Amarr; just a visitor. A lot of the people who are closest to me are Amarr, and I do see a lot of value and utility in the Amarrian faith, but my own is that of the Achura (Shuijing sect, so, I'm a spiritually-skeptical pantheist).

Thinking about what you've said about contradiction ... it seems important to distinguish between contradiction and compromise. Compromise is often necessary just to get along and get by, day by day. Contradiction, though ... that can do real damage.

I do reserve the right to change my mind about things, of course.

Many Matari have reasons to hate the Amarr. I try to accept their criticism for what I'm doing; I'd be foolish to close my ears. They have a point about a lot of things. Mostly, they seem to be content to let me work, though.

I hope that means I'm doing well, and not just a lost cause. There are people who really do seem think of me that way, but, as far as I can tell, not so much among the Matari.

Increasingly, I seem to have friends, there, too.
Darian en Chasteaux
Aliastra
Gallente Federation
#175 - 2015-11-07 02:25:53 UTC
Greetings,

I understand and am in agreement.

Unfortunately due to Amarrian faith in general, I have to align with the Minmatar; but...I hate to wage war against anyone for religious or political gain; with this I am deciding to work on Pirate incursions and space exploration; seems the best way to go for me these days. I hear there is good return in salvage operations, running missions, and meeting other like-minded explorers; I am on the path; we all have a path it seems.

Good luck...

I am in anticipation of future sojurns here...

Darian
Aria Jenneth
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#176 - 2015-12-04 07:03:41 UTC
Entry Twenty-Seven: Solitude

Over the last few weeks, I haven't been much of a social being. I've kept mostly to myself, and worked on training Meogoleh and tending the Directrix's gardens.

Based on my kinda-sorta aversion to things that remind me of really bad experiences, you'd think this would be something bad, that isolation would be something to avoid, but I guess sometimes what you really need is space, time, and peace-- time to think, without having to explain anything to anyone.

It's come at a little bit of a cost. I haven't been exactly useful to much of anybody. And, being useful is a little important to me, but....

I guess some things are more important.

So ...



Death curses are hard to live with. They don't literally work, but the simple fact of people dying hating you ... it's hard to just let that go by, even if you know you should.



A person who lives as a weapon is also still a person.



Small slaver dogs do not like being made to wear sweaters, even if they get cold without them.

At least, mine doesn't.



Reasons might not matter to the dead, but they probably matter to the dying. If some of the people I've killed could ask me why, and I told them, they'd look at me like I'd grown a second head. If I explained more, they'd look at me like I'd grown a third.

Even if I were a more traditional mercenary, and even if it were a Caldari I killed, he'd probably still be feeling a little like, "What am I even dying for?"

Other pilots might understand better, but they're not the ones who matter for this.



There's no such thing as "nothing personal." Becoming the person who snuffs another's life is possibly as personal as being their mother.

Probably not as painful in the short term, though.



Ghosts need no names or faces, or even voices, to have a presence.



Meogoleh might be trained not to chase the laser pointer, but he'll probably never ignore it.



Principle, even deeply held principle, is challenged pretty harshly by contact with consequence. Pragmatism is maybe partial protection.



I still don't believe in God. But I might kind of envy people who do.
Lyn Farel
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#177 - 2015-12-04 11:00:33 UTC
What ideal of God though...?
Rhoxy Runekin
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#178 - 2015-12-04 18:23:30 UTC
I hadn't heard you got a puppy! I'll have to bring Nibbles over and we can have a play-date! Perhaps even at the gardens, So you can tend to both of your manifestations. I'll bring lunch.

I've also got a new drone I think you may be interested in.
Aldrith Shutaq
Atash e Sarum Vanguard
#179 - 2015-12-04 19:19:35 UTC
Finally you begin to see the point I've been trying to make with you since the start.

Aldrith Ter'neth Shutaq Newelle

Fleet Captain of the Praetoria Imperialis Excubitoris

Divine Commodore of the 24th Imperial Crusade

Lord Consort of Lady Mitara Newelle, Champion of House Sarum and Holder of Damnidios Para'nashu
Aria Jenneth
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#180 - 2015-12-05 01:54:26 UTC  |  Edited by: Aria Jenneth
Aldrith Shutaq wrote:
Finally you begin to see the point I've been trying to make with you since the start.


That's not something I want to hear from you.

See ... here's the thing, Aldrith:

I don't think most of this is very obvious stuff from any rookie's perspective. There's an awful lot of "this doesn't apply to me, for reasons X, Y, and Z."

When we met, I was already blooded, a little bit, and probably more shaken by that than I was ready to admit. As pilots go, though, I was pretty green. Extremely green, even; I'd never recorded a capsuleer kill (not as myself; my old self's risk-averse record was obviously already there).

There were some warning signs, if I'd been willing to look at them that way: I've always been pretty easily bruised, emotionally. Maybe if I were thicker-skinned, these things wouldn't affect me much. Actually, if I'd been thicker-skinned, maybe I wouldn't have felt like I had to prove anything.

Or, maybe getting thick-skinned is exactly the process that's troubling me right now. I've met people who shrug off this role, and, as much as I like and admire a lot of them, I'm not sure I want to be one.

And here's another thing:

As far as I can tell, you're someone who's never meaningfully faltered from your chosen path. You were born into faith and conviction; whatever temptations you might have faced, whatever horrors you might have witnessed, or even been responsible for, you had that comfort.

Congratulations. You're well-positioned to pass judgment on someone who came into existence with no convictions to fight for.

I can see the advantage your faith represents. I've watched it reshape someone I care about, watched him transform from a badly wounded person to someone healthy and whole. It was beautiful. But it's not enough. Beauty and utility isn't enough for me. In the end ... I guess even being healthy isn't enough. Even for such reasons, I can't buy into a thing I still see as a wonderfully useful fiction.

Even so, I admired you. I'd have been the hawk on your wrist, if you'd asked it-- if you'd allowed it, even. I needed, desperately, to find my place and use. And considering my training and resources, we both know what sort of work I was suited for.

Whatever your wishes, I was never going to be able to stay passive. I needed a place that would find purpose for me, and tend my wounds, whatever sort they might be. The Society provided me the latter. The former, I found in PY-RE. Instead of a hawk on your wrist, I am a Falcon. That doesn't shame me, even now, even if you think it should.

I was loyal to you. Foolishly. Not every choice like that I've made was such a mistake, though. If your glove is too clean for my sooty claws, there are fortunately other people you directed me to who still let me alight.

I'm hurt, troubled, possibly poisoned, in the way of our kind. But it wasn't a fate for you to save me from-- nor, it seems, for me to save myself.

And I think I have licked my wounds long enough.

Directrix Aspenstar: I apologize for the delay. If you have work for me, I am ready.