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Dawn Alduin

Sebiestor Tribe

Minmatar Republic

Likes received: 2

#101 - 2015-04-29 01:10:24 UTC

Trinkets friend wrote:

Quote:

Dear TF,

I opened up my EVE today, and as soon as I launched probes, this thing pops up and it's all like "Congratulations! You completed the Opportunity: Launche Probes"> What is his even?

Regards,

Bitter McVettington of Vecamia

Dear Mr McVettington,

They say "there aint no opportunities in da hood" and not only because the 'hood got burned down by race riots after the Amarrians shot a Minmatar in the back for stealing a Quafe Skin from the Nex Store because Minnigtars don't get no good skins fo' shizzle. Like wha's with the Nefantar skin? Traitorous whitewashing. The Justice Edition? That's a Naglfar dipped in olive green paint.

Meanwhile the Gallente get the fly pimp skins and the Amarr get the Khanid death cool skins. it's a conspiracy to hold a brother down. So no wonder your brothers from Da Hood (aka Molden heath) rebel when there's CONCORD brutality. They don't got no Opportunities.

This is why our CCP Overlords have installed the Opportunities system. it's like Obamacare for Space Nerds. Everyone gets to feel good about doing simple things like, viz. jumping a gate. It is the golden star sickers of space preschool, bt everyone gets it because of some damn space commie preschool Gesapo shiznitz.

Don' they know we are all adults? Don't they know that the Minmatar want flash black and red rims on their 'Pests? Where's our metallic pink Typhoon? Or at least give us a frickin' ice blue maelstrom or something. Brothers gotta stand out or he don't get the Large Collidable object at the bar at 3 a.m..

So, in the mean time, just deal with your new Opportunities. Sure, you can't turn them off, but you can feel good about yourself because you know you've mastered the babyest steps of the game. Running a RR Vexor fleet is being added to the Opportunities System late 2018, so work your way up to it and hope like hell you get to opt out of the supid system sometime before 2019.

Regards,
TF

Best post ever. My only regret is that I can only +1 it once.

neverending death

Sebiestor Tribe

Minmatar Republic

Likes received: 0

#102 - 2015-05-02 05:27:59 UTC

Trinkets friend wrote:

So, in the mean time, just deal with your new Opportunities. Sure, you can't turn them off, but you can feel good about yourself because you know you've mastered the babyest steps of the game.

I definitely agree with TF that we are all in dire need of hot pink Typhoons--but constructively speaking I believe you can turn off your opportunities by doing this. At least it turns off the notifications...

Araikas Rhal

Hair-Trigger

Likes received: 29

#103 - 2015-05-03 11:01:40 UTC

neverending death wrote:

Trinkets friend wrote:

So, in the mean time, just deal with your new Opportunities. Sure, you can't turn them off, but you can feel good about yourself because you know you've mastered the babyest steps of the game.

Please refrain from derailing this post with constructive comments. We know you mean well, and that's the problem.

I played other games in my past life. I must have done something wrong to be re-incarnated as an Eve player.

Trinkets friend

Sudden Buggery

Sending Thots And Players

Likes received: 3,048

#104 - 2015-05-20 00:23:35 UTC | Edited by: Trinkets friend

Quote:

Dear Trinkets,

What is your view on the new jackdaw? I have tried it on SiSi, and it handles like a bucket of cement. Is it really going to be the new meta?

Regards,

Stupidiferous from Singularity

Dear Stupidiferous from Singularity,

I, for one, am not one to dabble on Singularity. This is for two reasons. Firstly, I consider it to be like playing make-believe. I consider Singularity to be a pillow fort, occupied by an entrenched army of fundamenalist unbelievers holed up in a tasselled and sequinned fastness of fluffy down pillows with a sheet of no consequences draped atop it. it is where feckless, gutless ingrates go, drawn by the promise of playing with toys with no consequences and no ramifications. True, it is also like the female dorm of a sorority of nubile Venice Beach teenage girls, where experimentation can be fun, and pillow-fights are an engorging and tittilaing experience. I know for a fact that some alliances go there to play fight, mud wrestle and oil up their toys and tongues ahead of Alliance Tournament.

Secondly, it requires a 13 gig download, and in Australian parlance that's a ******** ****** load of ***** **** to download, mate, pull the other one it craps kangaroos and koalas on the barbie, cobber. Strewth. Stick that in your dingo, mate.

However, it is also where genuine stress testing, play testing and experiencing new ships before they hit TQ can occur, so i have my minions with faster interwebs and less manliness than me go there and play test these new fangled Jackdaws. Their review is enlightening;

Maneuverability:
"The Jackdaw displays the maneuverability typical of Caldari ships, which is to say a supertanker up on cinderblocks in the front yard of a redneck Arab dictator's desert harem. It's going nowhere particularly fast even in prop mode."
3 Stars

DPS:
"The Jackdaw shows promise for good long-range damage projection but is otherwise relatively meh, which is typical of most Caldari boats. It is, in fact, a smaller, uglier, less tanky Drake." 2 Stars

Tank:
"It is a T3 destroyer, and really cannot compete with the Svipul. think of it as the Caldari Confessor, with rockets, and extra ugliness." 2 Stars

Overall Sangfroid:
"I am not impressed. Nothing has gripped me by the balls and said 'ZOMG you must fly this like, forever.' like happened with the Svipul." 2.5 Stars

So there you have it, don't take it from me, this is just a respected ship review magazine journalist giving his test drive impressions. personally, I see great promise for use via frig holes and in Wolf Rayet, where you'll top +900 deeps with Roflkets to 30km. Stick that in your C13 and smoke it, nerds.

Regards,

TF
4 Stars

~~ Localectomy Blog ~~

xMONOLITHx The Gorgon Empire 28
Dianor xMONOLITHx The Gorgon Empire Likes received: 28	#105 - 2015-05-20 06:51:00 UTC Hello, mr. Trinket! What will be with a slice of bacon if you put it into C5 with Wolf Rayet effect? Regards, Dianor

The Scope Gallente Federation 492
Lyron-Baktos The Scope Gallente Federation Likes received: 492	#106 - 2015-05-20 16:14:45 UTC What are your thoughts on Nightmares?

Federal Navy Academy Gallente Federation 18
Ginger Yume Federal Navy Academy Gallente Federation Likes received: 18	#107 - 2015-05-20 16:31:37 UTC Dear TF, we are looking to recruit new members for our wh shennanigans and general badness. Where is the appropriate place to find pilots of the appropriate caliber and interest? Yours truly, Ginger Yume, Ph.D. Professor, Scrub Tier Wormhole Exploits

Jay Joringer

13.

Likes received: 477

#108 - 2015-05-20 19:25:53 UTC

Hi TF

Witcher 3 is out and now none of the guys in my corp log into Eve. The guys that do spend all week writing up some 'roleplaying' event thing. It's all making me want to disband the alliance and go back to warcraft or just troll forums. It's all damaging my highly cultivated, trademark veneer of smugness, which I find the most distressing of all. Not even watching hours of K-pop on youtube seems to remedy this malaise. Whatever can I do?

So ronery,

J

http://smug-bastard.blogspot.co.uk

13 are recruiting!

Trinkets friend

Sudden Buggery

Sending Thots And Players

Likes received: 3,048

#109 - 2015-05-21 08:13:25 UTC | Edited by: Trinkets friend

Dianor wrote:

Hello, mr. Trinket!
What will be with a slice of bacon if you put it into C5 with Wolf Rayet effect?

Regards,
Dianor

Dearest Dianor of Wolfcastlevania,

As we well know, bacon is awesome, and bacon is kickass and bacon is its own reward for having bacon. However, kevin bacon, in a Wolf Rayet is only 2 degrees of separation from you, not six, which we can all agree is severely OP.

Regards,
TF

~~ Localectomy Blog ~~

Trinkets friend

Sudden Buggery

Sending Thots And Players

Likes received: 3,048

#110 - 2015-05-21 08:18:05 UTC

Lyron-Baktos wrote:

What are your thoughts on Nightmares?

Nightmares are like unicorns. Except whereas the unicorn is considered effeminate and weak, like a metrosexual fantasy horse which wears legwarmers and does calisthenics to soft jazz renditions of Katamari Damacy tunes, the Nightmare is a fully sick biker-leather-wearing deathmetal fantasy horse which listens to Slayer cranked up to 11 and punches kittens for exercise.

However, when people do not understand what the aggression timer is and try a sly log off and get combat probed down, they are a Sadness Pony which earns them the BUGRY medallion for such failures.

Regards,

TF

~~ Localectomy Blog ~~


Trinkets friend Sudden Buggery Sending Thots And Players Likes received: 3,048	#111 - 2015-05-21 08:21:48 UTC \| Edited by: Trinkets friend 1 Ugh....forum monkeys keep crashing my posts. ~~ Localectomy Blog ~~

Whole Squid 48
Garnt TheBrobarian Whole Squid Likes received: 48	#112 - 2015-05-21 09:11:35 UTC Dearest Trinket, I cannot stop crying after some meanies killed my pet snake. What can I do to move on from my loss? XOXO, Garnt

Federal Navy Academy Gallente Federation 270
Aladar Dangerface Federal Navy Academy Gallente Federation Likes received: 270	#113 - 2015-05-21 21:14:03 UTC Dear TF, How many holes can a wormhole hold if a wormhole could hold holes? Cheers Al o7 I don't need twitter. I'm already following you.

Trinkets friend

Sudden Buggery

Sending Thots And Players

Likes received: 3,048

#114 - 2015-05-22 03:26:44 UTC | Edited by: Trinkets friend

Ginger Yume wrote:

Dear TF,
we are looking to recruit new members for our wh shennanigans and general badness. Where is the appropriate place to find pilots of the appropriate caliber and interest?
Yours truly,
Ginger Yume, Ph.D.
Professor, Scrub Tier Wormhole Exploits

Dear alleged Professor Yume,

Recruitment is a difficult place to go, be it the in-game forum where people must continually bump their threads every day like that scene from monty Python, except abridged into EVE Parlance.

Scene: Recruitment forums, late at night. Recruit sees the Recruiter at the bar, getting a drink.

Potential Recruit: "Evenin' squire!"
*walks over and sits down with Director*
Recruit: "Ah...you in a corp?"
Director: "Yes." (said dubiously)
Recruit: " ha ha! I'm a bachelor myself! Is, uh, your corp a goer? Know what i mean, know what I mean? nudge nudge, know what i mean, say no more!" *nudges R.O.*
Director: "I beg your pardon?"
Recruit: "Does it roam? Know what i mean, know what I mean? Does she "roam" eh?
Director: "Well, she sometimes "roams"..."
Recruit: "I bet she does! i bet she does! Say no more, say no more! know what I mean? nudge-nudge!"
Director: "I don't...quite...follow you..."
Recruit: "Follow me! Follow me! That's good, that's good! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!"
Director: "Look...are you selling something?"
Recruit: "Seling? Very good! Very good! know what I mean?"

Etcetera, etcetera.

I despair of ever finding a decent group of chaps with knife-gritting teeth, derring-do and ability to get out of POS and not spend eternity carebearing, at least on the recruitment forums. You live and die by your promises and actions; you may promise exciting knuckle-whitening PVP and yet you merely deliver endless chains full of nothing but gas sites and empty moons. Your players will soon realise this and leave.

You may promise rivers of gold with barges full of Brazilian carnival dancers sambaing boatloads of ISK into the wallets of your members (otherwise known as Krabbing) but you will never PVP again, ecept for that one time when Lazerhawks acts like the evil bogeyman of w-space and YOLO Swaglfars into your site fleet and trashes a six pack of Moroses and makes you feel sad in the pants zones for ever more.

You may make interminally dull youtube videos of yourself camping people and not knowing which type of ammo HAMs use (hint: it's not Furies), or whether a MWD works when you're scrammed (hint: no), and you will attract similarly minded troglodytes, fanboys and dweebs.

In the end, you must practise what you preach, and decide if you play an MMO for the eliteness, or the mateship. You can have one or the other, not both; your members may be generally useless twonks, but at least you have near zero dramas. or you can have bitchy primadonnas POS spinning until you generate their content and reflect in the tarnished glory of dogpilig a Drake with 30 Proteii.

Your choice, know what I mean, nudge-nudge!

TF

~~ Localectomy Blog ~~

Trinkets friend

Sudden Buggery

Sending Thots And Players

Likes received: 3,048

#115 - 2015-05-23 00:59:02 UTC

Quote:

Dear Trinkets friend,

The stars have aligned over four micron pixels since the last time I seeked out your wisdom. Your uncomprimezed advice provided me with the necesary fluids to achieve propper mass in my family jewels and find a place for my podcoffin in the great unknown known as Anoikis.

The Dalai Lama encourages monks to seek out knowledge and absorb science as if it were the sweet nectar from the honey-bees hairy yet soft underbelly (strangely the same area on the human body would be located near the place where my anus is).
And so I did, I reached out and made acquaintance with a few capsullers, this bravery entitled me to recive the Friendship decoration. I moved in to a dark and cozy place I call home now, living out of a bubble and learning the mysteries of of this vast wasteland. There is beauty in the dark corners if you look closely.
Beeing aware of BoB and his ways I didnt waste much time to provide him with a propper sacrifice: https://zkillboard.com/kill/45702884/
And just to make sure I gained his favor, I quickly took one more ship in the pit of wrecks, because two is better then one.
I just hope that self sacrifice is wellcomed as much as offering up the innocent.
Happy to say that beeing a monk at heart I made the right choice and built my own home, squizing in with countless other sweaty pods in to a overcrowded bubbble of chaos did not feel appropriate. This decision was proven to be right when entrepreneur Berolt decided to gain BoB's favor by reallocating others property and distributing it for his own gain.
My days of tedious beep boop scans and slowboat logistics are sprinkled with events that teach me valuable lessons. Such as today, here I am in the dark corner of J170231 with a single pulsing hole leading to who knows where. What happend is I have been told taht if I use the proper shaped ship, such as the Exequror to stumulate the life pipe of BoB, it will grant me a new one where untold riches await me, among rockets, bullets microwave laser beams and tungsten sabots. Of course for beeing so simple minded BoB decided that I must be put in my propper place and prematurly ejaculated me from my home, depriving me from the pleasure to pull out before it's too late. Here I am, with my special phalic shaped ship equiped with vibration causing thrust apparatus, remenescing on lessons learned. I belive that everythning that happens in a hole happens for a reason. I will take this opportunity to slow down and reflect, seek advice. it is not clear at the moment if this is what BoB wills, but it seems to be a sound choice.
I have time to think about my past present and future while I beep boop away trying to wiggle my way out in this special little wiggle mobile, hoping to recieve a few words of wisdom from you at the same time, as in the past they have been invaluable.

space monk Vantigan

Dear Vantigan,

Uh....ok...

Regards,

TF

~~ Localectomy Blog ~~

Trinkets friend

Sudden Buggery

Sending Thots And Players

Likes received: 3,048

#116 - 2015-05-27 00:15:08 UTC | Edited by: Trinkets friend

Jay Joringer wrote:

Dear Mr Joringer of Girl's Generation Idol Fanbase Alpha,

As an avid fan of K-Pop, you are obviously aware that the band Bob Girls disbanded due to an illness in their member base. I would thus diagnose your band (aka corp) with some kind of brain injury or infection, which is affecting their cognitive processes, coordination and intellectual capacity.

The discipline of MMO Medicine requires that we confirm your suspicions of Witcher 3 Fever via a process of differential diagnosis, bearing in mind the wise words of Dr House viz. "It's never lupus."

The diagnosis of which particular illness requires a short questionnaire;

Whereas usually they were able to slurp noodles while rubbing their tummies, do they now just dribble nonsense about "capping b*tches" constantly?
They probably have GTA 5 Encephalitis. They should download Goat Simulator and take estrogen pills.

Do they talk constantly about "raiding", "guilds" and Pandarians? Are their palms hairy, necks bearded and girlfriends entirely animatronic?
They have World of Warcraftosis. They should self-euthanase at the first available opportunity.

Do they lie about listlessly complaining that there's no valid crafting profession, and they are sick of one giant courier mission from hell?
They have contracted Dangerous Eliteness Inflammation. They are required to hand in their man cards and rewrite the Vagina Monologues as a space opera.

Do they complain about an empty wallet?
They are suffering acute Star Citizenitis. If they particularly complain, they probably bought the $12,000 nerd package and must immolate their credit card. This is a dire illness and is only curable by joining a convent in the Congo and eschewing all internet gaming for a decade. You will have to bid the sufferer farewell from your corporaion, because they've wasted their money on pay to win spaceships.

Do they exhibit an inability to log in to EVE, or spend hours in the Other Games channel on TS3?
This is either LOLitosis or DOTAgenitis. This is a manageable disability, and may still allow the sufferer to play a vaguely semi-active part in your EVE corporation. However, contact with the afflicted must be avoided, to prevent the infection spreading to other players.

I hope this allows you to eliminate Witcher 3 Fever as a cause of your corp members lassitude. Best of luck, and remember to wash your hands after all contact with other video games.

~~ Localectomy Blog ~~

Trinkets friend

Sudden Buggery

Sending Thots And Players

Likes received: 3,048

#117 - 2015-05-30 04:00:32 UTC | Edited by: Trinkets friend

Quote:

Dear Trinkets,

I am a new player starting out, and I hear wormholes are a dangerous place to live. I want to do well at PVP - do you have any advice for getting good at PVP in wormholes? How do i stop myself being ganked and having embarassing lossmails?

Thanks,
Apprehensive in Aphend

Dear Apprehensive in Aphend,

You may hear me, from time to time, criticising people for their risk aversion in EVE, but in your case, with such an eloquently stated case, you have convinced me to part with yet another golden nugget of brain wisdom and impart it unto you and my fine readership.

However, as a preface, I wish to state hat in order to be accepted into the Wormhole Community of PVP Greatness, you must of course show a flawless killboard bereft of losses - or as close to it as can be. As we know, each kill against you forever marks you as a Poor. Only via reaching or maintaining the hallowed 90% Killboard Efficiency can you ever attain the adulation and respect of your peers, and ensure your enemies' pants-wettingness factor is so high that they spontaneously self-immolate their ships at their POS the moment you jump into system.

There is but one path for the acolyte of Bob who wishes to attain this heady mixture of fear, loathing and awe, and ha is to train Risk-Fu 5, the sacred art of Risk Aversion as known by the grand warrior monks at Nosferatu Security Foundation and cohorts. Adepts of this Marital Art of risk averse combat have learned nothing from me, but I have attended their conclaves of shivering fear of low or no security space (otherwise known as Ships and Modules), and I have secretly compiled the following brief Guide to Great Killboard.

Trinkets Friendly Guide to Great Killboard

#1 - Live in a wormhole.

If you can control your space and have a deathstar POS (and let's face it, this just requires US$45 in credit card purchases to fund, there's no skill, so don't skimp on it nerd, be fantastic - use plastic!) and you keep your staics closed all the ime, and crush any inbound holes the instant they pop up - you will never die! i mean, no one will ever find you this way.

#2 - Have lots of alts watching your holes, all the time!

Remember, use the plastic, be fantastic! Pay for those 4 accounts however you need to, but make sure you always have an alt on every connection, no matter what. That way, you'll have perfect intel on who's in your system. If someone jumps in, hit up zkillboard instantly and confirm if they have a PVP history.

#3 - Log off early and often!

If you do your research properly, you'll know who is in your chain and know whether they ever PVP'ed before. if they did - log off. Don't risk it! They can only kill you if you are logged in, so log out now, while you don't have an aggression timer. Remember, your POS has 40 hours of stront - that's plenty of time to escape!

#4 - Only attack structures

Don't concern yourself with kiting. There's a risk you might be slingshotted or someone might overheat, have links, high grade Snakes, or you might **** up and get tackled. Kiting is good, but attacking perfectly immobile structures is better! You can always run away from an enemy POS once you've got their scrams down.

#4 - Falcons and RR's to kill anything

We already know you'll only be attacking POS's, but if you do branch out into ganking relic hunters, miners and noob corp idiots who stumble in from highsec, ensure you have a Falcon alt, and have 2 Guardians on standby at your POS tactical (cloaked next to your depot up there, natch) to assist you in elite risk-free solo PVP using a 250K EHP Proteus. It's also a good idea to have a cloaky HICtor on the way he came in, to stymie any hammer to his bait.

#5 - Never leave the highsec.

Bad things, or lossmails might hapen to you. Seriously, no matter how nubby looking the bait, just don't get more than 5km off your hole. Ever. Ensure you have at least 200K EHP, Falcon, Guardians. Ensure your orbit is set at 2500m and the moment anyone on field lights a MWD, jump out - hey could be trying to bump you off!

#6 - Roll in cloaky Higgs nullified Proteuses

Rolling your hole is dangerous work. You might even be double-tapped! I mean, egg timers are hard technology to master, and you might one day jump home wih 2 seconds of doubletap left on the clock. You might lose your ship unless it is a 100MN cloaky nullified T3 with a Higgs rig. Get with the technology, man.

[Proteus, Higgs fagroller]

Damage Control II
Warp Core Stabilizer II
Warp Core Stabilizer II
Warp Core Stabilizer II
Warp Core Stabilizer II
Inertial Stabilizers II

Shadow Serpentis 100MN Afterburner
ECM - Multispectral Jammer II
ECM - Multispectral Jammer II
ECM Burst II

Expanded Probe Launcher II
Covert Ops Cloaking Device II
[Empty High slot]
[Empty High slot]
[Empty High slot]

Medium Higgs Anchor I
Medium Polycarbon Engine Housing II
Medium Polycarbon Engine Housing II

Proteus Propulsion - Interdiction Nullifier
Proteus Offensive - Covert Reconfiguration
Proteus Defensive - Nanobot Injector
Proteus Electronics - Emergent Locus Analyzer
Proteus Engineering - Capacitor Regeneration Matrix

~~ Localectomy Blog ~~

Black Spot on Parchment 22
Brown Pathfinder Black Spot on Parchment Likes received: 22	#118 - 2015-06-02 14:59:31 UTC Hi TF! Whats your view about the latest release / Patch?

Trinkets friend

Sudden Buggery

Sending Thots And Players

Likes received: 3,048

#119 - 2015-06-03 00:48:29 UTC

Brown Pathfinder wrote:

Hi TF!

Whats your view about the latest release / Patch? Smile

Dear Brown Pathfinder,

The latest patch has had the greatest impact on the game with it's new iconographic template. This is a direct challenge to the old bittervets, who suffer from neuroplasticity, which is, to wit, the inability of the aged adult brain to relearn how to do a task, or indeed parse an icon's meaning. This is compounded in two ways, the first being that the average age of EVE players is approaching 34-36, and secondly that in order to get your Bittervet Benefit Card (aka the Apotheosis) you have to have been playing this game for a long time. The greater the length of time a person is engaged in an activity, the more habitual the reactions and behaviours, and the harder it is for the brain to rewire itself.

The presence of great tangles of neuroplasticity is likely to cause quite a lot of grief and distress to the player base of EVE online in the next little while, as we all struggle to de-learn ingrained haitual actions and relearn them. This includes the new suite of iconography, wherein it is not confusing to a bittervet what a frigate icon is, or a battleship icon.

I expect that in the short term the younger players and newer players will have a slight advantage over the aged dry husks of the bittervets, as they more readily and swiftly adapt to the iconography and get on with the job of pwning noobs. The old fossils will groan and complain and beyotch on the forums about how this is the latest Skyfall chicken little holocause episode of doom, but will get on with living.

But it could have been worse - some of the iconography ideas which were promulgated earlier were frankly arse, and would have been even worse.

Oh, also there's this new ship apparently, something-something Garmurs will hate it?

Regards,

TF

~~ Localectomy Blog ~~