EVE Fiction

+1

Very nice read with good writing technique.

I like how you included the back story of how your parents met.




DMC

Well, I suppose I'm as close as you're gonna get, so here goes.
*squats and stretches*

1.
Folks aren't happy with their jobs and school. This is literally all I can tell about any of the characters from the first half of this piece. Hobbies? Attitudes? Politics? Do they look a certain remarkable way? Are they Tru Bitches? When you create a sci-fi sounding name, you can't stop there, especially Gallente, where the possible palette can be so extremely varied. Lots of room here to grow and flesh things out.

2.
Looks like the most prestigious, posh, and unattainable Crazy Magic Academy in the known universe just accepted a student because a lowly (now dead) mechanic on a station 6 regions away sent them letters...asking them to.
Hmm.
Not a dealbreaker, but when a character's origins already start involving the super sekrit universe background material by page 2, you can start MarySue'ing all over the place if you're not careful.

3.
Ergh. Okay, this will need serious work: Guristas Agents, in uniform, in Federal Space, on a campus. Looking for recruits. Please understand that the pirate factions aren't new, unknown, or small. They are sprawling nations in their own right, and everyone knows what a Gurista is and what they do. That particular propoganda war has been going on for a geologically long time.
This wouldn't even be ISIS having a Bake Sale at your bowling alley, this would be North Korea passing out literature on the lawn of a US Embassy. Jarring, but understandable if you're new to the setting of course.

4.
Oh.
Ohhhh God....

5.
So, Mom blew up, but was quickly plugged into a computer real fast (No.) and uploaded to a station (ffs!), so she can watch over the miraculously saved embryo (Ok, now you're just), who develops in a Robowomb with Jovian Nanites (o.O) growing into his head to make him extra more special.....K.

6.
RAISED BY JOVIANS.
LITERALLY.
I STARTED THIS WITH HOPE!
IN MY HEART!
YOU'RE
TEARING
ME
APART
LISA

Right.

Thing is, outside of all this, these are all merely symptoms of the real problem. You are trying to concoct a hero story for a special snowflake in a universe that has no need for a Superman/Ubermensch trope, or even a protagonist. A regular MMO allows and even encourages such power fantasies, because every player is equally a Godlike Heroic Savior of Hope and Raw Manliness. Also Hope.

However, This is EVE.
The Gods Will Not Save You.
You Fecking Suck, everything is shiat, you think everyone is out to get you, and you've never been more right. The cluster is teeming with trillions of humans, and trillions of miseries, intrigues, screwups, abuses, atrocities, and rampant forces.
An EVE story doesn't end with the dude just being awesome, getting the girl, and saving the day.
In EVE, you die in a pool of blood and refuse, realizing only at the last terrible moment just how things went so horribly wrong.

This is simply not a setting that is conducive to the adventures of the Half-SuperSaiyan Sons of Batman.

How do you make your characters stand out then? Start Small. Don't look to chronologically etch out some Homerian Epic about your toon's every development. No one cares about any of that. They're just being polite if they say they are!

START with Motivations.

This character, I don't like this guy. First, his face is Exponentially Punchable, but more importantly, even after reading all of that, I have no idea what he's intending to do. All of that exclusivity, and he just becomes a capsuleer eventually? He becomes...a guy?

If I'm another Roleplayer looking to involve you in some crazy plot angle, I don't care what a badass bloodline you have, or what you say you've done in the past. I want to know if you can play ball, keep a secret, turn a phrase, take the blame, hide the bodies, punch a kitten in My Holy Name, or somehow completely save my ass down the road. I want to know your alignments, quirks, embarassments, failures, powerful enemies, and worthless friends.

So, TL;DR
Don't write about the past. Tell me about this guy now, and a bit of how he got that way.
Then can start your real backstory: The Bonkers Crap you will do in this game.

Hey Grae, just here to dispute a few points:

I do see what you mean here; the very beginning of the story here isn't as well fleshed-out as it could be. I could definitely do with giving a little more detail for the characters themselvs. At the same time, it's an introduction; It may be a little sparse in some areas, but all I was aiming for was to say who the main two are (again, I could add detail).


I understand where you're coming from here. The Society is supposed to be a strange and interesting group in EVE's lore. However, it does indeed have a unknown selection process, and is arguably one of the best schools in the cluster.

Because of this, you see a lot of wealthy people trying to get the society to accept their child and receive that education. Someone like Novara's father would certainly be an outlier, and it wouldn't be unreasonable to think that they could notice him over the "wealthier beggars". Additionally, it's based on them simply keeping track of Novara as she grows before making a decision; as we do not know their selection process, I used this as a way to explain why/how she was invited.


Alright- the uniform thing I can understand- the story could do without that part for sure. However, an undercover recruitment agent isn't something unheard of; spies exist everywhere, from businesses to government to anywhere else you can think of. The Guristas could certainly pull off espionage in order to recruit potentially strong members from the Empires.


I don't know- it doesn't seem to be an impossibility that a procedure like a brainscan could be taken to try to save someone fatally injured.

As for the Fetus, I've actually made a couple of amendments; I was unsure about including that part about the nanites or the cavity in the first place, and it's become clearer that it's a little bit too much :P


http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ksqnm9h8kd1qzzvv4o1_400.gif
Haha, you knew his was coming I see the issues you may take with that, but I want to say this: "Jovian" is a race. They're human, just like anyone else, just a little... Different. The single Jovian that helps to raise Uriel in the story isn't anyone special, he's simply a teacher at the school, the last one there in fact. He isn't any important figure or big character, he's just a teacher who happens to be of the Jovian race. Of course, he does know things we don't- however, Uriel isn't told any of that.

In the end, Uriel is just the same as other people in just about every way; he's no superman or exceptionally unique person; he doesn't know anything special that no one else knows; he just knew a racial Jovian as a young man, which is part of the reason he's so interested in learning about them.

I do indeed plan on writing another story, one which will shed more light on his "motivations" and who he is- this was a background and it was a fun challenge to write it. I'm definitely going to be posting more when I have it all written out

Anyhow, thanks for taking the time to say that- it definitely takes an outside perspective to get a real grip on what your story is, and it always helps in some way. Apart from what became more immediately apparent, I have a few more things in my head now

Hmm, I will have to write here something. Someday.

I know you want to share your past with us Uriel, but exposing yourself in such a way, strips your character of mystery, which is commonly associated with Jove.
Thinking about sharing, I don't think that my life is ready to become a thing to share with everybody. Not a full story of it.
Come Nana, we have to talk about trust in the world of capsuleers...