Wormholes

Dear TF,

why is it soo difficult to get in to a decent WH corp. Many do not even bother to respond in their recruitment channels. My alt says its probably me.. but I thought I would get some expert advice...

Thanks,

Dear Trinket,

I was resoundedly beat at my corp's poker tournament last night, what sacrifice to Bob would be appropriate to ensure my unqualified success next time?

And now one from the archives;



Dear Anonymous from Arshat,

It is theorised that people fall victims to scams not because of stupidity, but indeed, because of having too much ego and intellect; the ego drives self-confidence and the mind fools itself into self-manufactured logical fallacies such as "i cannot be fooled because I am smart."

This is perchance why people fall for carefully constructed scams, where there are layers and layers of subtle complexities and where the intellect can be goaded and cajoled by leaving enough easily resolvable inconsistencies to be found, such that the inquiring mind - having so easily discovered these things - is lulled into this state of addled self-assured hubris, and makes a mistake.

We play a game of subterfuge and mystery, played out across months and days, of spies and infiltrators and hapless saliva-dribbling inbred trogoldytes who clog up your SMA's and mailbox with pathetic attempts at such nefarious ends. You have to be on your toes, forever vigilant and wtchful for scammers and infiltrators.

Indeed, one may look at a recruitment pitch from one such as yourself and be quite fooled. Surely, one may think, such a hamfisted and poorly concieved attempt at AWOX and infiltration could not be put together? Surely there is no one that lazy and dumb to think this is how you do it? Therefore, the ego takes over and says "TF, you're a smart bloke, hey? Look how easily you pierced his layers of security, outwitted him, and discovered his evil scheme!"


Luckily for you, I am bereft of ego and intellect. This is matched by the lack of thought put into your attempt; indeed we are a matched quantity, like two slow-witted children fighting in a tub of jello with foam Mek'leth. I shall hire you, I think, and keep you as my special space slave, living from a hobo depot.

Thankfully, you never signed on comms and it's been three years. It seems you are either playing the long game, or you splurged $300 on PLEX to buy your toon and then mommy came and took the credit card away.

Therefore, one should be careful of buying an 80M SP toon off the forums and thinking you can play the game and PLEX your account simply from having 80M SP. it's like buying a Ferrari while on welfare; you have a flash ride but can't afford the petrol.

Dear trinket.

I spend alot of time trying to sort out things for wormhole space. However recently I have had some people (mainly hisec people) derailing the topic, even when its in the wormhole section and marked wormhole pve.

Do you have any suggestions or should I just start paying marmite to dec every hisec derailers corp?

Dear Trinket,

Where can i find myself a godly mustache like the one you sport?

The sunglasses while being inside, wearing a jacket with no T-shirt look i currently have is just not doing it for the Exotic Dancers anymore :(

Dear Corbexx,

Get back in the kitchen and make me some pie. I didn't not vote for you in the CSM to have you distracted by cruddy forum posts and devoting your mind to wondering about paying off inbred cretins to wardec people they wardec anyway!

By pie, I of course mean Tech 3 Destroyers, or EWAR destroyers, or a T2 logistic frigate, so we can exploit frig holes properly and not be stuck using bloody Inquisitors all the time. Also fix the Corax. Give it, like, at least a 100% damage bonus to Rockets and Light missiles, trim it's highs to 5 slots / 4 launchers, and it'll be able to fit and fight properly.

*cracks whip*

That's my "advice".

Kindly yours,

TF



Dear Mr Dangerface,

This is a special Serpentis faction moustache known as the Vanquisher. it is only available from the Serpentis store in Serpentis Prime, via exchanging your dignity for a gag reflex and a back stage pass.

As we all know, style is everything. We cannot look shabby if we deign to actually dock in k-space and exit our pod, to pace up and down our little space gulag prison cell between our TV and our docking platform. Indeed, if anyone was to ever in the distant future put in a feature to build upon our ability to walk around with a fully rendered avatar in a spaceship game which looks more like MS Excel vomited red crosses into an asteroid belt...why, it would just not do to be spotted in a vest inside with sunglasses!

I draw your attention to the Space Barbies Store, aka Nex Store or whatever. in here you can buy red coats. They have the special power of making you lose a half dozen carriers while farming your C5 with D364 with the static open, and then just abandon half a dozen large towers the next week and fail cascade. Who said magic items weren't available in EVE?

You could also institute Goggle Schtick in your corp, and all wear goggles. They are cheap and nasty and make you look like a cyber goth raver from 1994.

For the classier business look, a lot of space barbies clothing is available for women in the executive range, from sleek business dresses to tight pleather blouses and skirts. These are, however, let down by the lack of choice in footwear; you are invited of course to inspect the couture of Sudden Buggery's resident fashion model Miskoranda. She is wearing elegant business attire, sleek and sassy for the important board meetings of this corporation...and combat boots.

I also question the heteronormative ideals of the EVE universe. Why can a man like you not fully express their gender dismorphism and properly identify theirself as somewhere in the middle of the sexual spectrum, by wearing women's clothing and sporting a Vanquisher faction moustache? Pair some facial hair with a little black dress, some arm tatts and combat fatigues with scraggly stubble and outre eye makeup, some facial piercings and a mohawk? Dyke chic should be in, we need more trannies in space.

To the Jita Monument (wreck)!

(edited to expunge gender normative pronouns which are indicative of heteronormative discimination!)

Dear Estragon of J153213,

This is clearly an absurdist masterpiece. I shall explain your situation thus;

WAITING FOR K162
A Play in Two Acts, By TF

Act I. Estragon and Vladimir enter stage left from K162 from highsec. Estragon brings a POS, and Vladimir brings one week's fuel.

Estragon: Well, sir, I find it damnably difficult to take off my boots!
Vladimir: Why, you should store them in the Personal hangar Array!
E: But it is pointless, for the PHA is accessible only to one man! What if we need to move out?
V: We are not moving out, sir! We have 34 signatures, 6 ore sites and 12 relic and data sites to farm! We must await K162!
E: Bah! I do not believe in K162! We have only statics.
V: Ahhh, finally, I have taken off my boots. Did you bring the warp disruption battery?
E: Pah. it is fruitless worrying about this. Nobody visits these holes! Why worry about attack, we must await K162!
V: I know! But when willl K162 arrive?

A terrible cry announces the arrival of Lucky, a baggage-burdened Orca, and his master Tengu, who uses Lucky as a mobile POS.

V: Great. Now we are being camped!
E: We really need k162. You, Lucky, do you know where is the K162?
L: I crushed it on the way in.
T: Shut up, you fool! Do not speak in Local!
L: Yes, Master!
E: I say, sir, you mistreat your orca very badly, keeping it chained up and using it to haul your baggage.
T: I shall say nothing to you, wastrel.
E: Vladimir, look at how rude this man is!
V: And he misstreats poor Lucky the orca so. I am glad that K162 will arrive soon.
T: What? What do you know of K162?
E: We are waiting for K162. K162 will not be here today, but will be here tomorrow.
T: I do not care. i am here to run your sites, I shall now cloak up and say no more. But I will be watching.
V: Where did he go?
E: K162?
V: No, the Tengu!
E: Was there a Tengu?
V: A Tengu on the K162?
E: There is no k162.
V: Bah, I tire of this, you daft fool, I will log off now.

All pilots log for the night. End Act I

Act II

Estraggon enters stage right in a Hulk. Vladimir enters stage left in a passive Myrm. They both hold blue poo.
E: Well, we are rich!
V: We are? I see no bounties. I think you lied to me, Estragon.
E: No, you fool. We must go to Jita via K162, to sell this blue poo.
V: Ah, the mythical K162!
E; Where is Lucky and Tengu?
V: Who cares? I forgot extra drones, and the sleepers ate mine. I cannot make any more blue poo.
E: We will get some from k162.
V: I doubt that K162 even exists. I have scanned for it, as yesterday, and it has not come.
E: You must have faith!
V: Faith? What of faith? This is all pointless and repetitive, and we make not money. Our fuel runs low.
E: Is anything in this game not repetitive?
V: K162
E: Where?
V; no, I said, K162 is not repetitive, for it has not arrived!
E; of course not. it will be here tomorrow.
V: We should suicide pod out.
E: And lose everything we have built? What of our POS?
V; What of it? i could have made billions in incursins, but I am stuck here, awaiting k162.
E: Well, you say that, but have you ever talked to incursion bears? i would rather wait for K162.
V: But al these hours, and no reward. Not even Tengu and lucky are around. They must have suicided out.
E: We will await K162.
V: Yes. I suppose you are right. We await K162.

Dear Trinket,

My Room mates are constantly using my stuff normally I don't mind sharing however lately my Room mates have been mistreating my belongings. I found modules turned off on many of my ships and some even had modules removed leaving holes in many of my favourite things.

Is there anything I can do to make them stop mistreating my stuff?


xoxo

I.Patrouette

Dear Teleil Zoomers of no fixed abode,

As we all know, a K162 is not in fact a woodchuck (aka Groundhog). Whilst a K162, upon seeing its shadow, may foretell another eight weeks of development cycle until the next patch ruins wormholes for ever (dramatic wailing, gnashing of teeth), the cold depths of space is not a prime habitat for groundhogs. In fact, exposed to hard vacuum, a groundhog would boil inside out in a foam of bloody ice crystals and fur, and leave a floating corpse. You may add biomass to your overview and d-scan for dessicated, corpsified rodents but I doubt you will find them. Ipso facto, none, question answered.

However, having reflected upon this parsimonious logic, I considered that the question may be one of interconnectivity of wormholes. I wondered, were you asking, what is the average number of K162 holes in a hole which one accesses via a K162?

This becomes a probability mindgame, with the folllowing equation

N0 = 1Ca/R*e^5

N0 = Number of connections
Ca = Average connectivity expressed as 2-sigma probability spread of Nw / Nk where N = total wormholes, Nk = number of statics + number of transient connections
R = Region bias exponent (ie; the likelihood of regional wormhole behaviour)
e = Exploration activity expressed as a chance of any given potential static being jumped through in any 24 hour period

Now you are armed with the mathematical solution to your vexing groundhog problem.

Regards,

TF



Dear Mr Patrouette from Chat Roulette,

We are all terribly annoyed when scrubby poorly skilled shitheels get in our ships and cause modules to be offlined. There are many and varied ways to prevent this, and I shall list a few below;

• Ensure you fit only metalevel everything to your ships. Pro: even scrublords can fly your Bhaalgorn. Con: It will be an interesting lossmail.
• Get your own POS with a passworded shield. Pro: No one's touching your stuff. Con: Fuel bills.
• Name your ships in a unique fashion. Pro: Everyone knows when someone else is staling your stuffs. Cons: Everyone knows when you are stealing their stuff.
• Associate only with the super elite who can fly everything. Pro: You will be super elite. Con: No, you probably won't.
• Overload the cargo on all your ships by fitting cargo expanders, filling the hold, then unfitting the expanders. Then store the ships. Pro: No one's flying anywhere in your ships. Con: neither are you.
• Fit higgs rigs to your Orca. Pro: No one's getting that out your C2. Con: Neither are you...

In the end, what you have is a shitheel problem. You need to figure out who it is, and expel them from corp, and let everyone know they are a grabby-hands little pervert who can't be trusted. It is especially galling if they are removing modules - surely it's not that hard to go to Jita and buy a supply of whatever, and sort yourself out? The fact some douche canoe is doing that is very annoying and speaks volumes about their commitment to corp and cause - they are a source of friction that any wormhole corp can do without, like a sandpaper g-string they will chafe and irritate your balls and should be removed before an ultramarathon to avoid bloody ballsacks.

Regards,

TF

Dear Trinket,

What do I need to do to keep a Dusette around :c?