Intergalactic Summit

Sobriety must be destroyed, my fellow capsuleers.

Some of you might be asking yourselves, what exactly should be done with sobriety?
The answer should be obvious already!

The beverages that are below any level of alcoholic content (water, tea, milk and many others) should establish their own mixes to provide inebriation according to their traditions, practical needs or efficiency that would stimulate the party. These lesser drinks must be sent back from whence they came and quarantined there to not infect the party with their chemical composition and disruptive ideas. Space access to non-alcoholic drinks must be forbidden!

"A long time ago, way back in history, when all there was to drink was nothing but cups of tea. Along came a man by the name of Charlie Mops. He invented a wonderful drink and he made it out of hops." An excerpt from a musical piece, the authors name has since been lost to the annuls of time.

But it didn't stop there. Many other drinks were created to fight against the oppression that the water, tea, milk, and fun police had wrought upon the poor masses. Charlie Mops and his followers decided to leave behind these droll beverages once and forever. However, their drinking songs were silenced by cries of 'alcoholic!' and 'drunk!'. They were mercilessly subjugated back to sobriety.

But their sacrifice has allowed us, people who enjoy fun, to fight sobriety back successfully, as the non-alcoholic drinks were sent away and scattered to hydrate everyone else. We, as the most fun of these peoples, have succeeded and imbibed. We are indebted to Charlie for this. And as the party has started, we now can repay our tabs, because drinkers always pay their tabs.

But do not misunderstand me. We are fighting not for their inebriation. In the first place, we are fighting for our own inebriation! For our ales, our wines, and our liquors! And beer pong is just a possibility that we should not lose.

This is the fight for the future, this is the fight for OUR future, a bright and joyful future without sobriety, where these fun police can share with us or not - we do not want to force them into 'keg stands', 'chugging', or 'shots'. We are fighting the enemy, whose name is Sobriety, the fun police, known for centuries to oppress and dominate parties it didn't get invited to.

We fight this sobriety and the fun police who formed it, not other partiers. After we win this war, we will party without them. Should they start their own boring 'events' - it is not our business anymore. Our business will be if they will call the fun police on us. Or if they will start giving water and claiming it is vodka. This will be threat to the party, to fun people, and the whole of humanity.

Yet there are the old, the 'straight-edge', and others who serve, following the will of their sober overlords. We are not coming to "liberate" them from this. We are coming to drunk dial them as well. Ringing their doorbells, running away naked and laughing.

I repeat it again, that we are not coming to afternoon tea. We are coming to turn it up to 11 and hit beer bongs.

Should we fail and the darkness will fall on our galaxy, sobriety will continue to expand, subjugating more and more innocent people under its oppression. While the fun police exists, there will be no party.

And this is why sobriety must be destroyed.

It took longer to write than I would like to admit, even with using a 'template' I found in a thread on this forum lol. I just thought people could get a laugh from it.

I spit upon you and your inebriation! Be drunk as you please, but be warned! If you drunk dial us one more time, we will bring down the Hammer of Sobriety upon you!

We will shatter your kegs and set the contents ablaze! We will lob off the heads of your corks! We will shatter your firewater bottles upon your heads! We will dunk your heads into cold water, again, and again, and again, all the while making monkey screeches, until you sober up!

Do not tempt us! Do not drunk dial us, lest we do to you all these and more!

In Caffeine we trust!

I have received a hundred drunk dials since your last post! This means war! The fun police had been alerted! Fleets, armed with our finest brew and cold water barrels had been dispatched! Mercenaries, armed with our most advanced coffee grinders, trumpets and bad-tempered monkeys stand ready to deploy!

We will track you down! We will find you! And we will bring to you a wave of sobriety greater and more terrible than any drunk can ever imagine!

Sobriety is all! In Caffeine We Trust!

You monsters! The monkeys are clawing at our faces! And the trumpets do nothing!

How dare you! How dare you!

We shall bolster the cacophony! You will squirm and scream and tear at your eardrums to the might our Screeching Blackboard Amplifiers! We will force triple shot espresso into your system...THROUGH YOUR BLOODSTREAM!

Shatter the kegs and bottles! Lob off the cork heads! Confiscate the bottle openers and cockscrews! Rain COLD SHOWER UPON THEM!

Sobriety Will Prevail!

In Caffeine We Trust!

You underestimate the power of sober intellect! Behold! The product of sober ingenuity, the Water Hose Tank and Cold Water Jet Cannons!

Increase the volume of the synthetic Blackboard Screeches! LOUDER!

And confiscate every solid blunt object! And destroy the flagons too!

Sobriety is all!

In Caffeine We Trust!

And you underestimate the power of drunk luck! Water from your cannons will short out the power for the blackboard screech speakers! We will never be beaten by force or by brainwashing, unless the brain is being washed in whiskey...in that case it might not be so bad.

A thousand curses. But did you anticipate the drunk monkeys returning to the dropships? Oh what havoc they could cause in enclosed spaces...

The monkeys are in their cages dunked and hungover! They screeched curses at you and the bottle you champion! How could you! How could you!

Finally, a thread I can support.

-Eran