Out of Pod Experience

"So little time, so much to know!"

Inability to know.
What is to be discovered
Never cold, stopping

Instinctive will to live. I don't want to die, so I'm here for good. (until I die)

So since I'm here, it only makes sense to live the best possible life that I can. Which means enjoying myself no matter what I am doing, which is something that I seem to have forgotten how to do for a while there. It was like I became someone else other than myself for like a year or so. Now I feel like I've come full circle and become the person who I am supposed to be.

"Then comes the question of is it nature or is it nurture? How do you become who you already are? It's both, it's an evolution."

I partied and chased girls for almost a whole year and then I realized what I was doing was not only stupid but it just wasn't me. I'm an adult now, 230 pounds of muscle with a full beard but it's like I went back to how I was when I was a kid playing games and reading books all day at home. I've become my SELF, but it's like a much more hardcore version of myself, like a super saiyan version of myself.

I treat art like a study session. I play games to learn about people, including my self. Same with reading books, I love fiction and just reading is one of my favourite things to do. Movies, music, anything like that, I love. I've started drawing all kinds of crazy pictures in crayon. I want to start painting but it's really hard.

I live life almost like a zombie movie now, it's improvisation to the max, and one thing I've worked on SO hard is "not giving a ****". Because I'm such a shy, nice person it's hard to not give a ****, especially around lots of people or around people you don't know. I think I suffer from minor social anxiety, as well as some other social disorders such as ADHD, aspergers, OCD, and maybe a few other things.

**** all that. I try to say whatever I want whenever I want to whoever I want, it's almost like I don't give a **** what people think, but it's not quite that because I actually do care what people think. But it's more important to me to be myself than it is to act a certain way to please people.

Some people who don't like me have called me fake and arrogant and stuff like that. Before I used to argue, or try to reason with people. But a guy called me a "fake person" the other day, and instead of what I usually would have said, my response was, "yeah, I am fake. What's your point? You gonna do something about it?"

What's wrong with being fake? We are ALL fake to an extant. If you've told a lie once in your life you are fake.

I think of people as shapes. Most people are squares, because they have a few main sides that they show. So then I thought, well I'm just a hexagon or an octagon or something, I have more sides than other people.

That was close but that wasn't it. People are shapes, with a certain amount of sides that they show people, maybe it's 3 sides or 4 sides or 8 sides, but me, I'm a circle, or a sphere. I have no sides, I just do and say what I want and I don't really care what you think about it because the important thing is what I think about it. A perfect circle.

I'm ranting so much here. Not even sure what I'm talking about here any more. I keep going because I've got to make some money some how.

So here are some priorities

1. Enjoying your life (this can be done in so many different ways)
2. Making money
3. Family and friends are very important. This should be under the "enjoying life" category.
4. I love ART
5. Eve Online counts as art.

This is such a huge question I can't just answer it with one sentence. Unless it's a joke sentence like "caffeine" or "spite".

Hell if I know.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

hugs

'time.' is how that should have ended.

I will elaborate a little. I have read a lot of history in my life and usually if I read one side of the history of something I try to dig up something written by someone on the opposite side. I have read and researched a lot in the biology of plant and animal life and watched numerous documentaries on so many things it is not funny. I have heavily read much on anthropology and sociology. I have been in the audience for countless speakers and discussion panels, my favorite being Jane Goodall. I have read much on what many call counter cultures within my society. I also find myself able to separate myself from my surroundings and culture and experience things through the words and eyes of others. Walking in other's shoes and such. All of this reading and self education was because as a adolescent my health was very bad due to my battle with Crohn's Disease and I buried, aka shielded, myself with knowledge while my friends and peers were enjoying the 'normal' life adolescents of my time lived, sex, drugs, alcohol... Trust me, I am no angle; I participated in much of those aspects of life in my 20's so I am not completely without the more social educational experiences either.

Due to all this reading, viewing and discussion with superiors, I am very comfortable having discussions about so many things and feel like I can speak, not as a professional on most of the subjects I am familiar with, but that I can speak with strong conviction. If I am in a conversation with someone that is educated heavily on a topic I am familiar with I am able to participate but I take a position of a student, I listen and take in what they say and add it to my file while being able to have an expanding conversation on whatever the topic may be. When I have conversation with people on a topic where neither of us are a 'trained professional' I sometimes speak with more conviction then maybe I should but never pose as someone in a position of authority. People have called me arrogant because I can talk about so many things with confidence, people I would call friends, and it used to bother me. I used to try rationalize this with my friends, but now I just tell people they need to read more if they want to feel more comfortable in their daily conversations.

Just because it has been easy for you to maintain and sustain your life force does not mean your life has been a bed of roses. Some of the most physically challenging times in my life have been the most emotionally unstressful, and therefore those were the times when my life was easiest. The times when I consistently failed to measure up and was told to keep trying, and my performance was measured and I saw a continuous improvement, those were the times I felt the best. But when I consistently failed to measure up due only to a lack of leadership and an inability to determine what I was supposed to be doing, and all the blame was thrust on me, that was when I felt the worst.

Just hip hop? No metal? No disco?

Not everyone that games like metal ;)