These forums have been archived and are now read-only.

The new forums are live and can be found at https://forums.eveonline.com/

Out of Pod Experience

 
  • Topic is locked indefinitely.
 

The 9 Rules of Being a Cat
Author
Previous Topic Next Topic
Doreen Kaundur
#1 - 2014-05-27 17:28:24 UTC
Quote:
The 9 Rules of Being a Cat


As a lifetime pet lover and practicing veterinarian of more than 30 years, I've noticed a few things about cats. And so for all you cat owners, here's the Secret Code of Cat Behavior (or What Cats Know but Won't Tell You).

1. Strategically place your hairball. If you have to hack up a hairball, toss it like a trophy onto something visible and valuable, like the new leather couch. If you can't reach that in time, an Oriental rug is an appropriate substitute.

2. Know the enemy and embrace him. If mom is entertaining, determine quickly who hates or is allergic to cats, race immediately to that person and leap into his or her lap. Mom's watching, so he won't dare push you off and will even fake affection by stroking you and repeating, "Nice kitty. Niiiice kitty."'

3. Wear fur proudly. You must always select clothing in sharp contrast to your own fur color on which to rub, leap or audition for the president of the Hair Club for Cats. Again, dare to share.

4. Be Johnnie on the Spot. As a courtesy, always accompany guests to the toilet. Your job is to sit and stare like you're a peeping-tom cat. If you get some really good shots, post them on the Internet and make a lot of bucks.

5. Let out your cat scratch fever. If someone claims to love cats and that all cats love him or her in return, lull that person into thinking you're a Stepford Cat. When his or her guard is dropped and the perfect cat lover begins to bask in a snapshot moment, show utter disdain, lay claw tracks across the expensive hosiery or silk tie, or turn unexpectedly and give a quick nip deep enough to test someone's blood type.

6. Find out what's behind door No. 3. Never allow closed doors in any room except when you need to trap the dog. To crack open a closed one, stand on your hind legs and jackhammer it with your forepaws, scratch it like you're headed for China or put your paws underneath it and keep pulling. Or just throw yourself against it repeatedly. Once the genie appears and opens the door for you, change your mind and walk away.

7. Play paper weight. If you come across somebody doing homework, paying bills or reading a magazine, settle down on the paper. This may entitle you to flying lessons, but when you get back on the page - and you will - make sure that you take everything with you - pens, pencils, other papers - on your next scheduled flight.

8. Be a knit wit. If mom's into crocheting or knitting, curl up quietly in her lap and pretend to catnap. Then spring into action by grabbing the yarn and causing her knitting needles or crochet hook to plunge sharply like a trophy catfish has just hit the bait. She'll try to distract you and pick up the slipped stitch. Ignore her efforts to calm you, close your eyes again and prepare for strike two.

9. And remember, early to bed, early to rise. Get plenty of sleep both during the day and in the evening, when your people want you to play. That way, you'll be fully rested and ready to rumble with Sleeping Beauty anytime between 2 and 5 a.m.

And never forget the No. 1 rule of being a cat: When in doubt, blame the dog.

[center]1. Minor navigation color change. 2. Show bookmarks in the overview.[/center]
Grimpak
Aliastra
Gallente Federation
#2 - 2014-05-27 21:22:37 UTC
all true.

[img]http://eve-files.com/sig/grimpak[/img]

[quote]The more I know about humans, the more I love animals.[/quote] ain't that right
Kijo Rikki
Killboard Padding Services
#3 - 2014-05-27 21:26:36 UTC
Avid cat owner. Did laugh on all points.

You make a valid point, good Sir or Madam. 
Adunh Slavy
#4 - 2014-05-28 01:51:42 UTC
A Cat's Guide To Taking Care Of Your Human

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJPJUaZZOss

Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.  - William Pitt
Khergit Deserters
Crom's Angels
#5 - 2014-05-28 02:47:29 UTC  |  Edited by: Khergit Deserters
This one made me feel good:
7. Play paper weight. If you come across somebody doing homework, paying bills or reading a magazine, settle down on the paper. This may entitle you to flying lessons, but when you get back on the page - and you will - make sure that you take everything with you - pens, pencils, other papers - on your next scheduled flight.

I'll admit, my nemesis cat has taken a few flying lessons. Maybe 2 or 3. Which is pretty good, considering she's been dragging her hairy tail across my face, between me and my damn monitor, 2-3 times per night every night for the past four years!
Graygor
Federal Navy Academy
Gallente Federation
#6 - 2014-05-28 04:00:14 UTC
Cats. Natures most adorable SOBs.

"I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." - Kenneth O'Hara

"I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commissar "Cake" Kate
Matilda Cecilia Fock
Pator Tech School
Minmatar Republic
#7 - 2014-05-28 06:42:14 UTC  |  Edited by: Matilda Cecilia Fock
Do you know that joke about giving a pill to your cat? We do it twice a day at home. Luckily our kitty is trying to earn heavens through martyrdom and mostly resigns herself, so it only takes two of us to feed her -one to grab all four paws and another to twist her head back, pull her mandible down and drop the pill straight into her throat. Most of the time it works and she swallows it... unless the pill lands in any other place than the throat, then it is dutifully stored in a cheek or graciously slingshot to the floor if it happens to hit the tongue.

On the other hand, chasing a cat through the house twice a day is a good exercise.

Q: Should we be worried? A: Nope. (...) Worry a lot if Fozzie, Masterplan, Rise, Veritas, Bettik, Ytterbium, Scarpia, Arrow, or even Greyscale leaves. Worry a little if Punkturis, karkur, SoniClover, Affinity, Goliath, or Xhagen leaves.
Doreen Kaundur
#8 - 2014-05-28 08:08:28 UTC
Matilda Cecilia Fock wrote:
Do you know that joke about giving a pill to your cat? We do it twice a day at home. Luckily our kitty is trying to earn heavens through martyrdom and mostly resigns herself, so it only takes two of us to feed her -one to grab all four paws and another to twist her head back, pull her mandible down and drop the pill straight into her throat. Most of the time it works and she swallows it... unless the pill lands in any other place than the throat, then it is dutifully stored in a cheek or graciously slingshot to the floor if it happens to hit the tongue.

On the other hand, chasing a cat through the house twice a day is a good exercise.


Ask your vet for a pet pill popper.

they look like this: http://www.okvetsupply.com/browse.cfm/pet-pill-gun/4,235.html

Grab your cat by the sruff of the neck, instert tube down throat, push button...pill gone.

It will save you and your cat alot of trouble.

[center]1. Minor navigation color change. 2. Show bookmarks in the overview.[/center]
Marsha Mallow
#9 - 2014-05-29 18:13:34 UTC
Khergit Deserters wrote:
my nemesis cat

I thought is was just me who thought of my beloved furball like this. Everyone else seems to get on fine with theirs. This one seems to exist purely to be annoying. She crawls into my bed on a morning and bites my toes until I get up then it's just downhill from there.

Although those rules seem to miss the obvious one: look adorable at all times and you can get away with just about anything.

Ripard Teg > For the morons in the room:

Sweets > U can dd my face any day
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#10 - 2014-05-29 19:52:11 UTC
Cats are pricks with multiple personalities and random freak out timers.





Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?
Purity by Fire
Purity Tax Haven
#11 - 2014-05-30 07:09:40 UTC
My cat Bertie works for the enemy im sure of it.

Every time I get into a fight he jumps on my keyboard and purrs like a mad idiot.

He also thinks planets are huge balls and attempts to attack them when im in warp and runs round the back of the tele to see where they went.

EvE played on a 40 inch lcd

So like after 76 petitions I still dont have a logical normal answer.   Fly safe and fly true and use your headset on the Loo