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How to forgive...
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Doreen Kaundur
#1 - 2014-05-18 23:12:09 UTC  |  Edited by: Doreen Kaundur
For those, like myself, trying to master this difficult concept, I offer this:

Quote:
How to Forgive


One of the thorniest and most difficult things we humans are ever called upon to do is to respond to evil with kindness, and to forgive the unforgivable. We love to read stories about people who have responded to hatred with love, but when that very thing is demanded of us personally, our default seems to be anger, angst (dread or anguish), depression, self-righteousness, hatred, etc. Yet study after study shows that one of the keys to longevity and good health is to develop a habit of gratitude and let go of past hurts.

Want to live a long, happy life? Forgive the unforgivable. It really is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. Your enemy may not deserve to be forgiven for all the pain and sadness and suffering purposefully inflicted on your life, but you deserve to be free of this evil. As Ann Landers often said, "hate is like an acid. It damages the vessel in which it is stored, and destroys the vessel on which it is poured."

Steps

1. Realize that the hate you feel toward your adversary does not harm him or her in the way that you want. "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for it to kill your enemy."

2. Understand that the best revenge against your enemies is to live a successful and happy life. Want to get even with someone who tried to destroy you? Show them and show yourself (and the world) that the obstacles they tried to create were not significant enough to disable you and/or destroy you.

3. Realize that the second best revenge is to turn the evil into something good, to find the proverbial silver lining in the dark cloud. Think of your enemy as someone who has helped you to grow. Even though unfortunate things happen to us, the best thing we can do is take those opportunities as tests that will either destroy or strengthen us. If you've been through something, it didn't destroy you - take what you learned and become a better person because of it.

4. Make a list of the good things that emerged as a result of this awful experience. You've probably focused long enough on the negative parts of this experience. Look at the problem from a completely new angle; look at the positive side. The first item on that list may be long overdue because you have focused on the negative for so long. See if you can identify 10 positive outcomes of this experience.

5. Look for the helpers. Fred Rogers (Mr. Rogers) related that, as a little boy, he'd often become upset about major catastrophes in the news. His mother would tell him, "look for the helpers." In your own nightmarish experience, think back to the people who helped you. Think about their kindness and selflessness Practice what you have learned from them.
Was someone your "Good Samaritan"? In this biblical story, a traveler helps a poor soul who was beaten up on the road to Jericho and left for dead. Perhaps this isn't all about you. Perhaps your trial provided an opportunity for others to rise to an occasion to provide you with help and support.

6. Be compassionate with yourself. If you've ruminated over this problem for a long time, steering this boat into a new direction could take some time, too. As you try to make a new path out of the dark woods of this old hurt, you'll make mistakes. Forgive yourself. Be patient and kind to yourself. Extreme emotional pain has a profound effect on the body. Give yourself time to heal - physically and emotionally. Eat well. Rest. Focus on the natural beauty in the world. Give yourself permission to feel the emotions and process them. Don't bottle up the pain.

7. Learn that the Aramaic word for "forgive" means literally to "untie." The fastest way to free yourself from an enemy and all associated negativity is to forgive. Untie the bindings and loosen yourself from that person's ugliness. Your hatred has tied you to the person responsible for your pain. Your forgiveness enables you to start walking away from him or her and the pain. Forgiveness is for you and not the other party. Freeing yourself through forgiveness is like freeing yourself from chains of bondage or from prison.

8. Learn how to balance trust with wisdom. It's a fact that not all of our fellow humans are trustworthy. Painful memories can serve to protect us from future hurts. As author Rose Sweet writes, "A lack of trust is sometimes simply recognizing another's limitations".

*Forgiveness is not acceptance of wrong behavior. If you must continue to interact with someone who has wronged you, who has offered a lame apology only to follow it up with more bad behavior, nothing requires you to trust such a person. This person isn't likely to ever be trustworthy -- you must keep a distance. While it's fruitless to torment yourself over this person's actions, you should not be his or her willing victim. Acknowledge; move on.

*An offender who wants reconciliation must do his or her part: offer a sincere apology, promise not to repeat the offense (or similar ones), make amends, and give it time. If you don't see repentance, understand that according forgiveness to that person is a benefit to yourself, not to the offender.

*Unless those who have harmed us have truly repented of whatever they have done, we need to use wisdom in avoiding repeating the hurt. This may require avoiding those who are unrepentant of the harm that they have inflicted upon us. It would be wise to balance forgiveness against the certain knowledge that evil exists, and some people enjoy harming others.

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Doreen Kaundur
#2 - 2014-05-18 23:12:26 UTC  |  Edited by: Doreen Kaundur
Quote:
9. Stop telling "the story." How many times this week did you tell "the story" about how badly you were hurt and how horribly you were wronged? How many times a day do you think about this hurt? It is a stake driven into the ground that keeps you from moving away from this hurt. Rather, forgive your enemy because it's the kindest thing you can do for your friends and family. Negativity is depressing - physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

10. Tell "the story" from the other person's perspective. Actually imagine that you are the other person (the one who offended you) and use the word "I" when saying what that person would say. You, most likely, don't know exactly what s/he was thinking when this event unfolded but pretend that you do, and just go with the story that comes up in your head. Sit down with a friend, or maybe even the person you are trying to forgive, and tell the story as though you are that person. It is important to do this verbally and not just in your head. Realize in advance that this is not an easy exercise, but it holds great power. Your willingness to tell the story from the offender's perspective requires an effort at forgiveness. Also, realize that this is not a contradiction to the preceding paragraph since this perspective will change your story.

11. Retrain your thinking. When your enemy and his or her evil actions come to mind, send him or her a blessing. Wish your enemy well. Hope the best for him or her. This has two effects. One, it neutralizes that acid of hate that destroys the vessel in which it is stored. The evil we wish for another seems to have a rebound effect. The same is true for the good that we wish for another. When you make yourself able to return blessing for hatred, you'll know that you're well on the path to wholeness. The first 15 - or 150 - times you try this, the "blessing" may feel contrived, empty, and even hypocritical but keep trying. Eventually, it will become a new habit and soon thereafter, the anger and pain that has burned in your heart will evaporate, like dew in the morning sun. This technique forces your mind to overcome the cognitive dissonance between hating someone and acting with compassion toward him or her. Since there is no way to take back the kind gesture to agree with your hatred, the only thing your mind can do is change your belief about the person to match. You will begin to say to yourself, "S/he is deserving of a blessing, and indeed, must need one very much."

12. Maintain perspective. While the "evil" actions of your "enemy" are hurtful to you and your immediate surroundings, the rest of the world goes on unaware. Validate their meaning in your life, but never lose perspective that others are not involved and do not deserve anything to be taken out on them. Your enemy is someone else's beloved child, someone's employee, or a child's parent.

Tips

Forgiveness comes easy when you know that what people say or do is about them, it’s not about you.
Put your best mental energies (perhaps first thing in the morning) into visualizing the new life you want. See yourself - in the future - as free of this pain and suffering..

Keep the following quotes in mind if you're finding it hard to generate positive feelings for the person:

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes

"Those who are the hardest to love, need it the most."

"Follow peace with all men, and holiness," -Hebrews 12:14."

"As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons." -The Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

"Hating someone is drinking poison and expecting the other person to die from it."

"If we could read the secret history of our enemies we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" - The Golden Rule

"Correct and courteous words accompanied by forgiveness are better than charity followed by insulting words." - The Qur'an 2:263

"Be kind, for all you meet, are fighting a great battle."- Philo

"Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. But whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble." 1 John 2:9,10-The Bible

"Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life in him." 1 John 3:15- The Bible

"The hatred you're carrying is a live coal in your heart - far more damaging to yourself than to them." Lawana Blackwell, The Dowry of Miss Lydia Clark, 1999.

"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."

"But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses." Mark 11:26.

"For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you" Matthew 6:14

Forgiveness is a choice. When you say, "I can't forgive that person," what you're really saying is, "I'm choosing not to forgive that person." If you say, "I can forgive", you'll find yourself forgiving soon.

Sometimes it helps to think of how others have forgiven under incredible circumstances. Ask friends for support and examples to motivate you toward forgiveness.

Forgive him or her, don't tell them, that's the answer! Forgiveness is yours and only yours , to live without forgiveness is a life full of hurt.

Warnings

Forgiveness is hard, but living with a grudge is even harder. Keeping grudges bottled up can be very dangerous, and can hurt people in ways you might have not imagined.

True forgiveness is unconditional and not predicated on any act or request from the offender. The type of forgiveness discussed here is intended to free you from the impotent rage, depression, and despair that nursing a grievance causes.

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Erica Dusette
Division 13
#3 - 2014-05-18 23:37:51 UTC
Confirming the best way to forgive is to have make up sex.

Jack Miton > you be nice or you're sleeping on the couch again!

Part-Time Wormhole Pirate ツ Full-Time Supermodel

▷ worмнole dιary + cнaracтer вιoѕ ▷ вσss
Webvan
All Kill No Skill
#4 - 2014-05-18 23:37:58 UTC
You posted a 12 step program in OOPE? lol
"Forgive & Forget" Not overly complicated nor spewed out psychology. All the steps in the world wont help if you do not want to forgive. Of course that can amount to health issues for some... and seemingly longevity for others heh

I'm in it for the money

Ctrl+Alt+Shift+F12
Erica Dusette
Division 13
#5 - 2014-05-18 23:40:43 UTC
Webvan wrote:
You posted a 12 step program in OOPE? lol
"Forgive & Forget" Not overly complicated nor spewed out psychology. All the steps in the world wont help if you do not want to forgive. Of course that can amount to health issues for some... and seemingly longevity for others heh

Webby ...

All this fighting over WiS.

I want to move past it now. Forgive you ...

Step into my Captains Quarters and we can go a round or three in the name of moving on? Oops

Jack Miton > you be nice or you're sleeping on the couch again!

Part-Time Wormhole Pirate ツ Full-Time Supermodel

▷ worмнole dιary + cнaracтer вιoѕ ▷ вσss
Grimpak
Aliastra
Gallente Federation
#6 - 2014-05-18 23:41:11 UTC
a wise man said once

"Tolerate and respect each other. If you know how, do tell."

[img]http://eve-files.com/sig/grimpak[/img]

[quote]The more I know about humans, the more I love animals.[/quote] ain't that right
Webvan
All Kill No Skill
#7 - 2014-05-18 23:53:59 UTC
Erica Dusette wrote:

Webby ...

All this fighting over WiS.

I want to move past it now. Forgive you ...
Don't lecture me, Erica Dusette! I see through the lies of the Fedo. I do not fear the dark side as you do. I have brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new Empire. Pirate

I'm in it for the money

Ctrl+Alt+Shift+F12
Erica Dusette
Division 13
#8 - 2014-05-19 00:11:55 UTC
Webvan wrote:
Erica Dusette wrote:

Webby ...

All this fighting over WiS.

I want to move past it now. Forgive you ...
Don't lecture me, Erica Dusette! I see through the lies of the Fedo. I do not fear the dark side as you do. I have brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new Empire. Pirate

I have no idea what you're talking about, but I'd like to know how you found out I don't do the back-door thing. Oops

Jack Miton > you be nice or you're sleeping on the couch again!

Part-Time Wormhole Pirate ツ Full-Time Supermodel

▷ worмнole dιary + cнaracтer вιoѕ ▷ вσss
Sibyyl
Garoun Investment Bank
Gallente Federation
#9 - 2014-05-19 02:49:22 UTC
DK, I love your posts. Never know what to expect..

Joffy Aulx-Gao for CSM. Fix links and OGB. Ban stabs from plexes. Fulfill karmic justice.
Slade Trillgon
Brutor Force Federated
#10 - 2014-05-19 02:49:25 UTC
First step to forgivess; imho, is to learn to accept others for who they are and not what they 'did' to 'me'.
Webvan
All Kill No Skill
#11 - 2014-05-19 04:15:32 UTC
Slade Trillgon wrote:
First step to forgivess; imho, is to learn to accept others for who they are and not what they 'did' to 'me'.


Yeah, I could never do that 'accept' thing. I have much tolerance, I can agree to disagree, but I don't make myself a target to someone to step on me again and again for blatant hostility sake. You can't change people,they are who they are, and where you could forgive them, does not mean you need to accept them and make yourself available to do it again to you. People say turn the other cheek, but I don't believe the original true intended meaning of that was to offer but to actually dodge. Blink

I'm in it for the money

Ctrl+Alt+Shift+F12
Abrazzar
Vardaugas Family
#12 - 2014-05-19 06:16:03 UTC
The first step in forgiveness is making the other beg for it. Just forgiving someone without them earning it will result in them stepping on you again next time. And again. And again. And again. You will be forever underfoot.

Sovereignty and Population

New Mining Mechanics
Grimpak
Aliastra
Gallente Federation
#13 - 2014-05-19 08:28:52 UTC
Webvan wrote:
Slade Trillgon wrote:
First step to forgivess; imho, is to learn to accept others for who they are and not what they 'did' to 'me'.


Yeah, I could never do that 'accept' thing. I have much tolerance, I can agree to disagree, but I don't make myself a target to someone to step on me again and again for blatant hostility sake. You can't change people,they are who they are, and where you could forgive them, does not mean you need to accept them and make yourself available to do it again to you. People say turn the other cheek, but I don't believe the original true intended meaning of that was to offer but to actually dodge. Blink

thus why I said that about the wise man.

tolerating and respecting people is all nice and dandy, in paper.
reality tells us that even the most tolerant and respectful individual won't be able to do it every time, to people he probably doesn't like or to someone who did wrong to him.
it's our nature.

[img]http://eve-files.com/sig/grimpak[/img]

[quote]The more I know about humans, the more I love animals.[/quote] ain't that right
Slade Trillgon
Brutor Force Federated
#14 - 2014-05-19 10:02:40 UTC  |  Edited by: Slade Trillgon
Webvan wrote:
Slade Trillgon wrote:
First step to forgivess; imho, is to learn to accept others for who they are and not what they 'did' to 'me'.


Yeah, I could never do that 'accept' thing. I have much tolerance, I can agree to disagree, but I don't make myself a target to someone to step on me again and again for blatant hostility sake. You can't change people,they are who they are, and where you could forgive them, does not mean you need to accept them and make yourself available to do it again to you. People say turn the other cheek, but I don't believe the original true intended meaning of that was to offer but to actually dodge. Blink



This was more in line with my experiences with my daughter's mother. What she did to me I have to believe it was not truly her (hormones and all) so I am trying not to blame her for what she did. As for the accepting them for who they are, again it has to do with her lifestyle and it is not 'wrong' but it does not mesh with my lifestyle in a way where we are not compatible long term material. I need to learn to accept her lifestyle so as not to tarnish our relationship with our daughter. Me holding a grudge against my ex would be toxic all around, therefore I must learn to at the least tolerate. I need to set my example and let my daughter find her way. She is a smart cookie so I have to believe she will see the light.

EDIT: I also agree that in most cases tolerance is probably not the best step. It is in this scenario; as far as I am concerned. I just was thinking outloud on the forums Oops
Debora Tsung
Perkone
Caldari State
#15 - 2014-05-19 10:04:46 UTC
The Emperor never forgets! X

Minor transgressions however might be forgiven. THIS TIME!

Stupidity should be a bannable offense.

Fighting back is more fun than not.

Sticky: AFK Cloaking Thread It's not pretty, but it's there.
Orla- King-Griffin
#16 - 2014-05-19 10:09:44 UTC
It's a lot easier to forgive someone when you have their corpse in your Garage Hangar.

Ah shite...
Debora Tsung
Perkone
Caldari State
#17 - 2014-05-19 10:26:38 UTC
Also, as an afterthought on forgiving, I want to quote one veteran of the french foreign legion that my father used to know.

Backstory: The guy, according to his own claims, fought in Africa before WWII, got captured, lost a leg during the interrogation and somehow even managed to make his way back to Germany alive.

The Quote: The thing with the leg is ok, no hard feelings. I've killed so many of them, we're even.

Yep, what a forgiving and kind soul. Pirate

Stupidity should be a bannable offense.

Fighting back is more fun than not.

Sticky: AFK Cloaking Thread It's not pretty, but it's there.
Crompton Aberforth
Gallente Federation
#18 - 2014-05-19 12:38:25 UTC
Thanks for your post. I love well thought out ideas like this.

Walking a mile in someone else's shoes is also a valuable tool for understanding someone's action. Even partial understanding can help with forgiveness.

Ann Landers is also reported to have said “Hanging onto resentment is like letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head”.

The object of your resentment / anger may genuinely be oblivious to your pain. While they are getting on with their life you are becoming more and more miserable. At that point they have won, and they didn't even know it was a competition.

In my opinion a great strategy is to train yourself to control your attitude and reaction to events, even events which were not in your control. If you look around for people who are worse off than you, it is highly likely you will find them. Surprisingly many of them may be far happier than you are. Why? They choose to be happy. It doesn't mean their life is anywhere near perfect, but it can certainly help make it more bearable.

Do you play EVE like a girl ...because um... you ARE a girl?

Do you know about the WGoE (Women Gamers of EVE) chat channel?

For access information visit the public chat room 'Women Gamers public'.
Ralph King-Griffin
New Eden Tech Support
#19 - 2014-05-19 15:24:26 UTC
Orla- King-Griffin wrote:
It's a lot easier to forgive someone when you have their corpse in your Garage Hangar.

It's a lot harder to forgive someone when you Are the corpse in their Garage Hangar.

Murderers of Negotiable Motivations

=]|[=
Marsha Mallow
#20 - 2014-05-19 19:50:05 UTC
Interesting read, you redirect to more diverse articles than my daily news sites Doreen P

I tend to forgive, but not forget. I've been ignoring certain people (including family members) for decades. Mainly because it really irks them. Which is petty, but entertaining :P

I know a couple of people (who are extraordinarily nice, one is my mother) who are so quick to forgive they lose sight of what happened in the first place. It's a tad frustrating watching people grapple with abusive relationships with colleagues/partners and be powerless to really help because they lock themselves into the cycle. It's also a bit annoying when they go from the extremes of anger to revisionist remarks.

Some folk are just toxic, and the sensible thing to do is remove yourself from their sphere and forget about them. They aren't worth the effort of getting annoyed over.

Ripard Teg > For the morons in the room:

Sweets > U can dd my face any day
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