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The Office Diaries: By popular demand

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Mizhir
Devara Biotech
#61 - 2014-04-07 13:08:58 UTC
Have you considered hiring this guy?

❤️️💛💚💙💜
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#62 - 2014-04-07 22:04:40 UTC
Sometimes there are unintended victims of wrath. This is unavoidable. Wrath isn't a precision weapon, its like a shotgun. In this case...a shotgun full of goats. For this, Larry the office supply guy..has earned my apologies..and a free coffee gift card. Congrats Larry, you've earned it. Now get your ass back in there and refill that printer! I will not let Mrs F. Rumosa Gwaze's doctoral thesis on Communal Production Systems of Goats Raised by Resource-Farmers in the Eastern Cape Province of South Africa be stopped at page 57 of 217! Wrath hath no supply shortages! Yes, this will be the third time you've refilled it..get in there soldier! Mr IT Manager refuses to refill it anymore..were counting on you!

The IT office's printers have been going all day. I don't know what those printer cartridges are made of...but whoever made them..bravo! There are pages all over the floor. partly due to the IT manager getting fed up and throwing them before going on a long break, partly because some wrathful **** took all the page trays off the printers..so the pages just spill out onto the floor. Im really glad that IT sprung for those six thousand dollar printers. They hold so much paper! Youd think that it would be easy to clear a printer queue on one of those.. you would be wrong, dead wrong. Did you know that the printer queue memory persists after you unplug and plug the machine back in? I didn't..and apparently neither did Mr IT Manager. You are just awful at your job..I said it. Muwahahahaaaaa! A surrender offer has been emailed... Lets see if Mr IT manager can admit his mistake, and provide me with a subway giftcard for exactly $5.44 so that tomorrow I may feast in victory upon a Spicy Italian Sandwich and a large Iced Tea! Your move IT guy... Mr Michael J Muffin awaits your response...

So now, Mr Michael J Muffin slowly vibrates around the table...as if pacing back and forth. Partly because hes impatient..partly because of the small battery powered vibrating kids toys I found in the parking lot that now resides in his hollowed out innerds. It just seemed fitting that Michael J Muffin be made out of bran..because not many people are finding the joke tasteful...and we all know there isn't anything more tasteless than a bran muffin.

Larry will be providing me with an invoice for the paper im using. No one will say that im wasting company supplies this time, for they are mine..all mine... as is revenge..

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?
Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
#63 - 2014-04-07 23:03:53 UTC
o7

Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
Graygor
Federal Navy Academy
Gallente Federation
#64 - 2014-04-08 04:55:38 UTC
You sir are a God.

"I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." - Kenneth O'Hara

"I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commissar "Cake" Kate
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#65 - 2014-04-08 17:56:09 UTC
From: ******,** [**@**********.com] <----- IT Guy
Sent: Monday, April 7, 2014 4:34 PM
To: *****,**** [****@**********.com]
Subject: Re: Surrender now before it gets baaaa-aaaad!

Fine. Just please stop. Ill get you your damn card. Bring back my damn page trays and fix whatever you did to my printers. Hope you’re happy now.

** ******
IT Manager


From: *****,**** [****@**********.com]
Sent: Monday, April 7, 2014 4:46 PM
To: ******,** [**@**********.com] <----- IT Guy
Subject: Re: Re: Surrender now before it gets baaaa-aaaad!

Mr Michael J Muffin accepts your surrender. A wise move on your part. Hostilities will cease immeadiately. Your hostage trays will be returned. Rest assured they have been well treated. As for my happiness, yes, I AM happy now. Your frustration made me smile quite a bit today. You know what helps with a frustrating day? Goat Simulator. Too baaaaaaad someone had it banned from company hardware huh? I will expect your surrender payment in the morning.

But I have one more thing. Tell me that you lied about your qualifications! Anyone who is a qualified IT professional could have stopped this. I promise that I wont share it with anyone, and as ive shown…I keep my promises.

Yes I have altered the deal..pray I do not alter it any further…

**** *****
Supervisor, Section 2


Mr IT Supervisor made good on the deal. This morning I was presented with a Subway gift card, and it was verified to contain $5.44 exactly. His precious trays have been returned unharmed as promised. The rest of section 2 was present to verify the exchange. Goatageddon has ended officially. It turns out that Mr IT manager doesn't know everything about these printers yet, and the software compatibility blah blah blah stuff and things servers blah blah still figuring it all out blah blah lip service. It cant be that hard if I used a windows wizard to setup my computer with them. I will investigate his qualifications later on.... because im seriously starting to doubt his ability.

The bill from Larry on my wrath stands at $34.22. With just under 4800 pages printed, I can only assume that's a whole box of paper. So...34.22 in paper..minus the gift card.... pretty sure im in the red on my wrath. But the giggles were priceless.... so Im just going to call it a wash.

Now, off to lunch, to feast in victory!





Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?
Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
#66 - 2014-04-08 20:14:59 UTC
+1 for the outcome.

+10 for the Darth Vader quote!




I like Alice Saki.

Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
Samoth Egnoled
Caldari Provisions
#67 - 2014-04-09 06:24:11 UTC
+1 for sticking with it till the end.

Mucho amusement.
Random McNally
Stay Frosty.
A Band Apart.
#68 - 2014-04-09 11:09:06 UTC
*scribbles furiously*

Yea, I'm taking notes on this...

Host of High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/

Space music http://minddivided.com

I G Channel HighDragChat

Broadcast4Reps
Trii Seo
Goonswarm Federation
#69 - 2014-04-09 12:23:02 UTC
Where employees collide, muffins fall first.

Proud pilot of the Imperium

Arek'Jaalan: Heliograph
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#70 - 2014-04-10 19:37:25 UTC
I got 2 new people for my section yesterday. Turns out it wasn't a promotion I was getting...as much as a slight pay raise and 2 freshies for Section 2. So much training. Theyre like cute little puppies. Ive taken to whacking them with a rolled up magazine when they mess up. My other section 2 minions are laughing constantly at me... because THEY don't have to do any training. Douchebags.

Today, we sent the nooblets into the Doughnut Thunderdome. Hey bud...doughnuts in the break room..better get em while theyre still there! Off they go..like a couple of timid baby deer...into the maelstrom. Like Spartan children they emerged...with doughnuts. Well done my nooblets... you are strong indeed, and have proven yourself worthy of my teachings.

There is so much they still need to learn. Part of yesterdays training was making sure they knew all the nicknames like Becky Resident Militant Vegan ***** and Rhonda the Hutt, made sure they stayed away from the HR lady and her ravenous appetites, made sure they knew the breakroom feeding schedules and related pitfalls associated with it (yes I left Doughnut Thunderdome out...I wanted them to learn the hard way..),and informed them of the intricacies of wrath. I will mold these nooblets into office terrors..

Its arts and crafts time now. Inspired by a post on damnlol.com, Im having the nooblets make me Mario brothers characters out of post-it notes to adourn our cubicles. My boss should have never told them to listen and do whatever I tell them to do.... he knew better, and Im sure he will regret ever having said those words... im sure he knew as soon as he said them.

Congrats bossman... you've now made Section 2 the largest on this floor.. our pranks and asshattery will blot out the sun.

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?
Samoth Egnoled
Caldari Provisions
#71 - 2014-04-11 06:14:05 UTC
Do they have pet names yet? They should have pet names...
Graygor
Federal Navy Academy
Gallente Federation
#72 - 2014-04-11 07:42:18 UTC
I suggest Rookie A and Rookie 1

"I think you should buy a new Mayan calendar. Mine has muscle cars on it." - Kenneth O'Hara

"I dont think that can happen, you can see Gray has his invuln field on in his portrait." - Commissar "Cake" Kate
Random McNally
Stay Frosty.
A Band Apart.
#73 - 2014-04-11 11:04:24 UTC
Thing 1 and Thing 2?

Host of High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/

Space music http://minddivided.com

I G Channel HighDragChat

Broadcast4Reps
Noxisia Arkana
Deadspace Knights
#74 - 2014-04-11 14:14:41 UTC
Twiddle Dee, Twiddle Dum.
Debora Tsung
Perkone
Caldari State
#75 - 2014-04-11 14:33:02 UTC
Desivo Delta Visseroff wrote:
I'm trying to laugh silently in my cubicle, but I end up sounding like crazed madman with breathing problems.

This thread FOREVERAttentionAttentionAttentionAttention


Same here, Bob (I just call him that, I can't remember his name for teh life of it) from the other desk just checked if I'm ok, he said I sound like I am choking.

Stupidity should be a bannable offense.

Fighting back is more fun than not.

Sticky: AFK Cloaking Thread It's not pretty, but it's there.
Debora Tsung
Perkone
Caldari State
#76 - 2014-04-11 14:38:59 UTC  |  Edited by: Debora Tsung
Unsuccessful At Everything wrote:
Ill just leave this here.

From: Human Resources , **** [****@**********.com]
Sent: Monday, March 24, 2014 8:43 AM
To: *****,**** [****@**********.com]
Cc: *******,Rebecca [****@**********.com]
Subject: HR Complaint - Action Meeting Required

****,
This mail is to inform you of a HR complaint against you arising from Friday 3/21. It has been brought to the attention of the HR dept that you have been insensitive towards the lifestyle of another employee. Due to this being your 4th HR violation in 5 months, we are required to have an action meeting as per HR guidelines between yourself and the other party. This meeting is scheduled for 3/25 @ 10:15am, and will be mandatory. The results will be posted in your file for review by management. Thank you.

**** ********
Director of Human Resources



Am I a bad person for wanting to encourage you to continue your current course of action?

This is hilarious! Lol

Afterthought: I just noticed I could've put all my posts into one post and saved valuable forum space...

Stupidity should be a bannable offense.

Fighting back is more fun than not.

Sticky: AFK Cloaking Thread It's not pretty, but it's there.
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#77 - 2014-04-11 17:05:51 UTC  |  Edited by: Unsuccessful At Everything
Can a man not sit in the privacy of his own cubicle with 4 other people and make loud moaning orgasm sounds whilst eating the best sweet potato pie hes ever tasted!?!??! I don't care if youre on a business call with a client Rhonda the Hutt.. This pie is ******* delicious. YOU HEAR THAT??!!? ******* delicious! Low carb diet be damned! Im going to savor this...and If I wants to moan in pure tasty pleasure while doing it... then im going to, and there aint nothing you can do to stop me. In fact Rhonda the Hutt... I dare you to try. I doubt you've heard any of those sounds in quite a while... probably since you ate your husband..actually..probably quite a while before then too. But knowing Rhonda the Hutt... shes mad because she cant have any of this delicious pie... its all mine.. and its not helping the situation that im letting her know that constantly... standing up and staring at her while slowly eating bite after bite... NNOOOOMMMMMMMMMM.....

One of my nooblets brought me in one of their grandmother's sweet potato pies this morning. Im talkin the best sweet potato pie Ive ever tasted hands down. I feel like Golem because I have the pie on my desk...and I keep calling it "My Precious" in my Sméagol voice. Girl Nooblet... you are now my favorite. Boy Nooblet... take notes because THIS is how you suck up to the boss! I approve of bribing me for my love..with pie. If I had a points system... which maybe I should implement... Girl Nooblet would have just got 100 points.

I came in early this morning to have a meeting with the bossman. He wanted to know how the first two days went with the Nooblets. Its the first time ive been in the training role. We ended up chatting for about a half hour or so. Good times. Bossman has one of those Keurig coffee brewers in his office..so I got to drink the good stuff...not the burnt printers ink swill the drones drink from the decanter in the break room but fresh brewed real coffee. I must have one of those brewers for my area.. I don't know what this "Doughnut Shop Blend" is..but wow...

First awesome coffee....then Nooblet brownnose pie (sounds wrong..but accurate)... Im super spoiled today.

Anyways, I thought id leave this off with a little excerpt from the Bossman... "Im still not sure about giving you new people to train. For some reason it feels like I've just fed Darth Sidious two new apprentices.."

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?
Tollen Gallen
Glory of Reprisal Enterprise
#78 - 2014-04-11 18:12:17 UTC
Unsuccessful At Everything wrote:
"Im still not sure about giving you new people to train. For some reason it feels like I've just fed Darth Sidious two new apprentices.."



LOL





I like Ravens.

Zimmy Zeta - I f*cking love martinis. the original ones, with gin, not that vodka martini crap. Your old Friends can use me for 7 days, free!!!
PotatoOverdose
School of Applied Knowledge
Caldari State
#79 - 2014-04-12 00:22:01 UTC
This thread is amazing.
KnowUsByTheDead
Sunlight...Through The Blight.
#80 - 2014-04-12 00:28:39 UTC
1. First off...

2. I don't normally visit OOPE, but due to your shameless plug in GD, I have subbed to thread. Great job man.

And....

3. Begin work immediately on infiltration. Retribution is needed. Section 3 needs to pay for war crimes by Rhonda The Hutt against one of your own. The beloved Mr. T. Muffin must be properly avenged.

Big smileBlinkPirate

Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the comedian is the only thing that makes sense.