Crime & Punishment

How did you end up here,
discussing a whine and a tear.
When from wormholes you come.
King of piracy and rum.
Others see you and fear.

Two for one

There I was chilling in a C1,
Static highsec so maybe some suckers come.
I see this miner jump in - carries out a quick scan,
I see he's got alts so I formulate a plan.

One then two they land in the site,
Just sh*tty retrievers - won't be much of a fight.
But hang on what's this - another one lands?
Jesus gimme a chance I only got two hands.

Only got one more alt - flying fail-fit Stratios,
Could quite possibly turn into my first Sister's loss.
I get a warp in then point the first pair,
Local chat pops up with "**** this ain't fair!!"

First one goes down with a pop and a pew,
Second one's pointed so I'm comin' for you.
Inferno in volleys - faction drones in the air,
This one goes down yelling "I don't ******* care."

Gathering our senses we move for the third,
But sadly for us he's separate from the herd.
Landed 100 off on the other side of site,
Looks like he's lucky - get's to enjoy the rest of his night.

POCO transfer

Once upon a time I lived in a C2,
Decided to move out to a system with a better view.
But I left some POCOs and a scout who's offline,
Just incase someone sieged them I'd remind them they're mine.

Few months later and sure enough,
Got some alt corp notifications - someone's called my bluff.
Scan out an exit - send down my girls.
Onyx, Tengu, Proty - ladies shinin' like pearls.

Reinforced timer - got plenty time to spare,
So the girls waxed their legs then styled their pretty hair.
Did some scans then made bookmarks - ready for the fight,
Sharing one POS - three enemy corps asleep in the night.

Morning arrives and we sit on the static,
Enemy's awake and Dscan's erratic.
In warps a noobship too oblivious to care,
Sits on the static - in disbelief I stare.

Proty decloaks and says a good morning,
Poor little ship explodes without warning.
Capsule just sit there staring at the waste.
Dispatch her to highsec without further haste.

Couple hours later on the static we sit,
Onyx decloaked - decides to bubble up for a bit.
Visible to anyone who checks their Dscan,
But obviously not to this guy who lands in his **** can.

Trapped in my bubble I blow a kiss - twirl my hair,
Then watch the pretty green goo as it sprays through the air.
Then what's this on scan - Mobile Depot in despair?
So I cleaned up his rubbish - littering really ain't fair.

Now you'd think all this excitment would make them start to care,
But it seems business as usual - no big scary bear.
Old mate returns and goes for a mine,
So we had to teach him naivety is a crime.

But I was last to land - too slow in my Tengu,
Had to make do watching more of that pod goo.
This time they realized their plight wasn't fair,
A message in my inbox showing they really do care.

They wanted my POCOs in trade for some cash,
I said "Keep your ISK I want a girl for my stash."
A stranger ransom nobody had heard,
See I'd been through their memberlist and picked a pretty bird.

They had to think on it - make their decision the best,
Convo next morning - I got a new pilot for my nest.
She'd packed her stuff - dropped corp to depart,
When I explained I was joking - truth is I have a heart.

So we gave them the POCOs and promised to depart.

Catalyst patrol
I accident'ly F1
One less mining bot

A few limericks strung together beautifully... or so Mother says.

--

The Tale of (insert desired player name)

There once was a man in a freighter,
Who just couldn't wait until later,
So eschewing Blue Frog,
He began a long slog,
With greed as his true navigator...

He undocked a Charon at Jita,
Without insta-warping a meter,
Didn't note for a minute,
The curious frigate,
A silently locking, lone Cheetah...

Unaware of this small violation,
He proceeded to his destination,
With a hold full of loot,
And an ego to suit,
His impending sad humiliation...

At Niarja he sees far too late,
As he slowly aligns from the gate,
That the bumping BS,
As the killers aggress,
Isn't helping him out of this state...

His screams go unheard in the void,
Whilst his killers explode, overjoyed,
The wreck is picked clean,
He's looking quite green,
Then charred as his pod is destroyed...

Then he wakes in a medical bay,
In a shiny new clone far away,
With a wallet quite sad,
The knowledge he's bad,
And he's paid for me to play.

My soul is stored,
Upon a shelf near my bed.
Purchased for ten mill.

The itsy bitsy miner crawled up the mining belt
Down came the gank to blow the miner out
Out came the pod and tried to flee the pain
The itsy bitsy miner went up in flames again.

Salvage

Err' day my routine's the same,
Scan out the static and see if there's game.
One day I look and saw a big fleet,
Jumped in my Manticore - off for a meet n' greet.

They're in this site all blapping at sleepers,
I land next to them at 50 and think "Jeepers".
Hold my cloak and watch the show,
As the site's finished they pack up n' blow.

I stay near the wrecks to see what comes next,
In warps this lone Noctis - left me quite vexed.
He's salvaging - sitting at 40 from me,
A perfect bombing line I can suddenly see.

Start up my engines - align my lil ship,
Decloak at 30 - start shooting from the hip.
Direct hit with bomb - structure I see,
One volley of torps saying g'day from me.

Up goes the Noctis - with a bang and a wee,
Looks like one month's gaming - free for me.
Big fleet POSes up - in terror they float,
Shuddering in fear of Dani's little boat.

There once was a miner from Balle.

He was greedy, he wanted it all.

Fitting all MLUs.

He thought he couldn't lose.

Til the New Order answered the call.

Eenee meenee minee m0o
will it be me, or will it be you
dancing together, I'm holding you tight
after candle light dinner and a walk through the night
your shields gettin' thinner, as I gently neckbite.

We reach my apartment and fall through the door;
Your armor is shrinking, dress drops on the floor
I can see in your eyes that you're begging for more
as I enter your hull... excitement galore!

I keep pounding and pounding and you're ready to pop
you realize the horror and you yell OH PLEASE STOP
while I'm blowing my load, screaming: GO TO HELL...


POD!!!