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Angel Cartel goats behind wave of livestock abduction

Constantly Outraged Sebiestor
Gutter Press
#1 - 2014-04-02 17:49:01 UTC
A wave of livestock abductions has struck the planets Ragnarg III and Ragnarg IV in recent weeks, with many animals having been stolen from farms across the two planets.

Local authorities have been unable to explain the livestock abductions, as the affected livestock is not considered particularly valuable, consisting of several varieties of modified and unmodified sheep and goats, which are common across most Minmatar worlds.

One of the latest thefts was witnessed by a Sebiestor shepherd, who claims that the Angel Cartel are behind the thefts, although it remains unclear why the Cartel are stealing the animals.

"I was up late, watching the news channels 'wacky capsuleers' show, waiting for my wife to return from her exotic dancing job, when I heard a noise outside", said the shepherd. "I went out to see what it was, and I could hardly believe my eyes, it was a hairless Angel Cartel goat, breaking the chain on the gate to the field where all my animals were!"

Asked how he knew this criminal goat was from the Cartel, he replied "It had Cartel tattoos."

As the shepherd went to try and chase the miscreant goat away, he was ambushed by the goats accomplice. "I ran at the goat shouting, and then another goat headbutted me from behind, I fell and knocked myself out."

The shepherd's wife, an exotic dancer, said "When I was driving home, I saw a bright light, like an aircraft's lights, near our farm. I didn't know what it was, then, when I got to our farmhouse, I saw my husband lying unconscious, and all our animals stolen. I was horrified, now I'll have to go back to work full time until we can replace the flock."

A local policeman said "We are giving this incident all due attention". A second local policeman said "We advise all livestock owners to ensure the safety of their animals"

Local opinion on the incident was varied:
"I know that guy, and he doesn't drink, so you know, I think he's telling the truth", said a Sebiestor grain merchant.
"I dunno, man, hairless goats, that just isn't right", said a local exotic dancer.
"They've got to be hairless though, otherwise how would people see their tattoos?", asked another local exotic dancer.
"Who even tattoos a goat?", said a Sebiestor farm equipment mechanic.

Numerous Angel Cartel figures are known to have pet goats, although this is hardly an uncommon pet through much of Minmatar space.

Gutter Press, bringing you stories from all parts of New Eden.
Scope Works
#2 - 2014-04-02 18:13:59 UTC  |  Edited by: Anslo
It would appear the wombat people have inspired their hooved bretheren to rise up against the shackles of livestock injustices. Soon the sky will be filled with goat ships, coming to free their people in a flurry of baa's and rusted vessels.

Their numbers shall blot out the sun. Brace yourselves, Goatmageddon is coming.

[center]-_For the Proveldtariat_/-[/center]

Karmilla Strife
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#3 - 2014-04-02 18:16:42 UTC
Gutter Press is a day late. SHOCKING!
Valerie Valate
Church of The Crimson Saviour
#4 - 2014-04-02 18:23:31 UTC
I eagerly await Leopold Caine's denial of any involvement of himself or his associates in this affair.

Doctor V. Valate, Professor of Archaeology at Kaztropolis Imperial University.

The Scope
Gallente Federation
#5 - 2014-04-02 18:30:12 UTC
I'm pretty sure this was the exact plot of one of the pulp novels about Intaki DED agent Faux Moldere. I think it was called "I Want to Believe" or something like that.

You sure you aren't just recycling pop literature as infotainment?
Lyckeus Morre
can't do that while warping
#6 - 2014-04-02 19:16:00 UTC
... wait... what did I just read?...

If your guns like us more, chances are, our guns wont hate you any less...

Leopold Caine
Stillwater Corporation
#7 - 2014-04-02 22:36:45 UTC
I suppose, since I'm personally addressed, Tribunus Laria Raven won't mind if I retort to this.

Even though we have a certain interest in hydroponics, which we can't lie about, given the Oddelulf situation, or... 'incident' as some call it, I'm afraid randomly hijacking livestock does not warrant the fuel cost of lowering an Akinci-class dropship down to the surface and back.

But, since these eyewitness accounts obviously happened, let me at least use this moment to extend a sort of a... PSA?

People of the Republic, when buying narcotics, buy from that random Thukker or Serpentis, or even Angel in a dark alley. Because if you buy from your neighbour, he probably already cut it half with toxic metals and all those tattooed goats on your trip are... kind of his fault.

Stay lively, People of the Republic. And good night.
  • Leopold Caine, Domination Malakim

Angels are never far...

Stillwater Corporation Recruitment Open - Angel Cartel Bloc

Anabella Rella
Electus Matari
#8 - 2014-04-02 23:09:39 UTC
Someone's been playing too much of that new hologame Farm Animal Simulator.

When the world is running down, you make the best of what's still around.

Valerie Valate
Church of The Crimson Saviour
#9 - 2014-04-03 16:38:03 UTC
A likely story, Mr. Caine.

However, I think you'll find that it is considerably more likely, that these Cartel goats are in fact only part of whatever the Cartel is doing on those planets.

While it may be uneconomic to deploy a dropship simply to abduct livestock, dropships do fly both ways. If the mission is to deploy cargo to the planet, then, instead of coming back empty, carrying a load of easily sellable objects is quite economic.

So, the question is... what are the Cartel deploying onto those two planets, hmm?

Doctor V. Valate, Professor of Archaeology at Kaztropolis Imperial University.

Diana Kim
State Protectorate
Caldari State
#10 - 2014-04-04 13:02:51 UTC
Angel cartel is almost second government in their Republic. Maybe it was a government order, after all? And pirates are doing it to not show government in bad light.
Just my opinion.

Honored are the dead, for their legacy guides us.

In memory of Tibus Heth, Caldari State Executor YC110-115, Hero and Patriot.

Katran Luftschreck
Royal Ammatar Engineering Corps
#11 - 2014-04-09 10:41:32 UTC
Valerie Valate wrote:
I eagerly await Leopold Caine's denial of any involvement of himself or his associates in this affair.

... or to take credit for it. You can never tell.