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The TOTALLY OFFICIAL HISTORY of Athra and its people

Author
Ava Starfire
Khushakor Clan
#1 - 2014-03-11 13:19:51 UTC  |  Edited by: Ava Starfire
SETTING: A dusty, depressing temple located in a dusty, depressing city in an equally dusty, depressing part of a planet named Athra. In the background, in the temple, monks chant and flagellate themselves with poorly cooked pasta. The music is reminiscent of the Amarr themselves; boring, repetitive, windy, and probably the result of compressed hot air. In the chruch, a MONK is hard at work kneeling on broken glass, repenting before a graven image of his HEATHEN GOD.

The MONK prays and grovels. "Oh my HEATHEN GOD, give us now our deliverance! Purge me and my people of all of our debauchery and sin, so that we may return to greatness! Lead us, oh HEATHEN GOD, and burn the disobedience and selfishness from our weak flesh!

HEATHEN GOD stirs within the idol.

The MONK looks on in disbelief, and begins to flagellate himself faster, and begins grinding his knees into the shattered glass and other detritus upon which he kneels. "Oh my HEATHEN GOD, please! Give me the strength and the purity to purge the infidels and reclaim..."

HEATHEN GOD: "Muh scorch."

The MONK tries to decipher the cryptic message. "Scorch? You mean, go forth and..."

HEATHEN GOD: "No, fool. I mean muh scorch. Muh scorch."

The MONK look all around, and sees no hint that any of the other monks have noticed the words from the Graven Image. The MONK knows, in this moment, that he is chosen to lead the people, his people, the Amarr, in from the scattered desert wastes and endless dunes, and to give them order, purpose, unity!

The MONK stiffens his upper lip: "Your scorch, my lord."

HEATHEN GOD: "Yiss."

The MONK vows that His will shall be done, and rises from his knees. He strides, purposefully, from the temple, knowing that he must unite his people and lead them against their scattered enemies across the windswept surface of Athra. Once so united, they could begin their quest for the Scorch, for the mythical power which must surely lead the Amarr to victory after victory! The HEATHEN GOD fortold it!

Life here was depressing for the inhabitants; you see, they grew tired of eating only rock and sand, so they began to pray to a HEATHEN GOD for guidance. The HEATHEN GOD of course personally answered the prayers of only the most Righteous, and gave them the message.

"Muh scorch."

(( Nope, I'm not as good at this as Noh is. Nonetheless, I am just as qualified to relay the history of another people! Stay tuned for fun, frivolity, flatulence, and, perhaps, The Scorch? ))

"There is no strength in numbers; have no such misconception." -Jayka Vofur, "Warfare in the North"

Lyris Nairn
Perkone
Caldari State
#2 - 2014-03-11 13:21:59 UTC
I bear witness there is no god but Solo Drakban and The Mittani is his messenger.

Sky Captain of Your Heart

Reddit: lyris_nairn Skype: lyris.nairn Twitter: @lyris_nairn

Proletariat Tingtango
Viziam
Amarr Empire
#3 - 2014-03-11 13:25:23 UTC
First of all, this:
Lyris Nairn wrote:
I bear witness there is no god but Solo Drakban and The Mittani is his messenger.


Secondly, what exactly is this for?
Foley Aberas Jones
Caldari Provisions
Caldari State
#4 - 2014-03-11 15:42:48 UTC
i kinda love how the first 3 people to reply are all from GoonWaffe.....
Proletariat Tingtango
Viziam
Amarr Empire
#5 - 2014-03-11 17:35:18 UTC
Thanks for noticing but no you can't join us.
Foley Aberas Jones
Caldari Provisions
Caldari State
#6 - 2014-03-11 18:00:39 UTC  |  Edited by: Foley Aberas Jones
Im already with the CFC...in top men, so...not really missing much

((DUST character, this is just a face toon))
Kalaratiri
Full Broadside
Deepwater Hooligans
#7 - 2014-03-11 18:13:23 UTC  |  Edited by: Kalaratiri
Proletariat Tingtango wrote:
First of all, this:
Lyris Nairn wrote:
I bear witness there is no god but Solo Drakban and The Mittani is his messenger.


Secondly, what exactly is this for?


I imagine Ava has gotten rather tired of Gosakuminaminmainori Noh's endless and nonsensical ranting about the "history" of the Minmatar and has decided to do a bit of satire.

She's mad but she's magic, there's no lie in her fire.

This is possibly one of the worst threads in the history of these forums.  - CCP Falcon

I don't remember when last time you said something that wasn't either dumb or absurd. - Diana Kim

Karmilla Strife
Societas Imperialis Sceptri Coronaeque
Khimi Harar
#8 - 2014-03-11 18:20:49 UTC
Too coherent.
Not enough Sebbie butts.

Eat more mushrooms and try again.
Fredfredbug4
The Scope
Gallente Federation
#9 - 2014-03-11 19:34:13 UTC
Excellent satire Ms. Starfire!

And what is this? Goons...in my summit?

Watch_ Fred Fred Frederation_ and stop [u]cryptozoologist[/u]! Fight against the brutal genocide of fictional creatures across New Eden! Is that a metaphor? Probably not, but the fru-fru- people will sure love it!

Claudia Osyn
Non-Hostile Target
Wild Geese.
#10 - 2014-03-11 20:12:33 UTC
Fredfredbug4 wrote:
Excellent satire Ms. Starfire!

And what is this? Goons...in my summit?

No, there in my summit.

A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you'll go.

Andreus Ixiris
Center for Advanced Studies
Gallente Federation
#11 - 2014-03-11 20:16:04 UTC
Claudia Osyn wrote:
Fredfredbug4 wrote:
Excellent satire Ms. Starfire!

And what is this? Goons...in my summit?

No, there in my summit.

No, they're in my Summit.

Andreus Ixiris > A Civire without a chin is barely a Civire at all.

Pieter Tuulinen > He'd be Civirely disadvantaged, Andreus.

Andreus Ixiris > ...

Andreus Ixiris > This is why we're at war.

Foley Aberas Jones
Caldari Provisions
Caldari State
#12 - 2014-03-11 20:29:12 UTC
Andreus Ixiris wrote:
Claudia Osyn wrote:
Fredfredbug4 wrote:
Excellent satire Ms. Starfire!

And what is this? Goons...in my summit?

No, there in my summit.

No, they're in my Summit.

No, They're in MY Summit
Foley Aberas Jones
Caldari Provisions
Caldari State
#13 - 2014-03-11 20:30:11 UTC
also allow me to say that my extar post is un needed...but meh
Anabella Rella
Gradient
Electus Matari
#14 - 2014-03-11 20:42:38 UTC
Don't insult Ava by comparing her writings to those of the vile witch Noh. Ava's are clear and understandable as satire. Noh's opaque ramblings are simply an attempt at self-aggrandizement; attempting to show how literate, witty and edgy she is (and failing miserably).

I'll soon be writing some lyrics for a semi-historical piece titled Book of Reclaiming: The Musical! Be watching for Act I, to be published as soon as I get enough time (and liquor-fueled inspiration).

When the world is running down, you make the best of what's still around.

Jandice Ymladris
Aurora Arcology
#15 - 2014-03-11 21:48:57 UTC
Anabella Rella wrote:
I'll soon be writing some lyrics for a semi-historical piece titled Book of Reclaiming: The Musical! Be watching for Act I, to be published as soon as I get enough time (and liquor-fueled inspiration).


Hm, is it Heresy Night or something?

With Naupilius rambling, Ava doing satire about the Amarr and Rella's upcoming musical based on Holy Amarr Scriptures one has to wonder: How much heresy can the Amarr Empire take?

Providing a new home for refugees in the Aurora Arcology

Fredfredbug4
The Scope
Gallente Federation
#16 - 2014-03-11 22:01:16 UTC
I wouldn't see a musical on The Book of Reclaiming as heresy nor would I see satire of the Amarr as it either. As long as it's factually correct and done all in good fun then I don't see the harm in it.

Of course, I'm not Amarrian so I certainly can't speak for them. That said, I've poked a little fun at both the Republic and the State in several episodes of my show and even the most tribal or patriotic of them respectively have enjoyed those skits. I haven't teased the Amarr yet (merely because nothing happened recently I felt I should really tease them about) but I'm sure most would enjoy it if I did it well.

The Amarr are very serious about their faith yes. But they aren't humorless people.

On another note, Old Naupy is certainly committing heresy.

Watch_ Fred Fred Frederation_ and stop [u]cryptozoologist[/u]! Fight against the brutal genocide of fictional creatures across New Eden! Is that a metaphor? Probably not, but the fru-fru- people will sure love it!

Claudia Osyn
Non-Hostile Target
Wild Geese.
#17 - 2014-03-11 22:13:35 UTC
The only heresy here (besides Nauppie) is you guys not acknowledging me as the ruler and great Goddess of the summit. I earned that title damn it.Cry

A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you'll go.

Fredfredbug4
The Scope
Gallente Federation
#18 - 2014-03-11 22:14:22 UTC
Claudia Osyn wrote:
The only heresy here (besides Nauppie) is you guys not acknowledging me as the ruler and great Goddess of the summit. I earned that title damn it.Cry


There, there Claudia. There, there.

Watch_ Fred Fred Frederation_ and stop [u]cryptozoologist[/u]! Fight against the brutal genocide of fictional creatures across New Eden! Is that a metaphor? Probably not, but the fru-fru- people will sure love it!

Claudia Osyn
Non-Hostile Target
Wild Geese.
#19 - 2014-03-11 22:20:54 UTC
Fredfredbug4 wrote:
Claudia Osyn wrote:
The only heresy here (besides Nauppie) is you guys not acknowledging me as the ruler and great Goddess of the summit. I earned that title damn it.Cry


There, there Claudia. There, there.


I demand offerings of ISK to my wallet now.

A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you'll go.

Anabella Rella
Gradient
Electus Matari
#20 - 2014-03-11 22:57:19 UTC
Jandice Ymladris wrote:

Hm, is it Heresy Night or something?

With Naupilius rambling, Ava doing satire about the Amarr and Rella's upcoming musical based on Holy Amarr Scriptures one has to wonder: How much heresy can the Amarr Empire take?


In order for me to be a heretic I would first have to be of the Amarr faith which, obviously, I'm not. Neither is Ava. Also, I proposed a musical based on the Reclaiming scriptures to Pilot Fredbug a couple of weeks ago, well before Nauplius proclaimed himself a Blooder/EoM killer.

When the world is running down, you make the best of what's still around.

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