These forums have been archived and are now read-only.

The new forums are live and can be found at https://forums.eveonline.com/

EVE Fiction

 
  • Topic is locked indefinitely.
12Next page
 

Pod and Planet Fiction Contest Entry - Elusive Desire - Thank you Judges!

Author
Caelestina
0.0 Massive Dynamic
Pandemic Horde
#1 - 2013-10-29 16:41:47 UTC  |  Edited by: Caelestina
So first and foremost...I have never really made any of my writing public and I am looking for constructive feedback whether it be positive or negative, as I may end up continuing with this story and submitting it to the contest if it is deemed worthy.

I also know next to nothing about the actual EVE lore, so the following story is just what I came up with based on a general knowledge of "space things". If things seem a bit whack or wrong, that's why. lol.

I would love to hear whether I should continue this or whether it needs some work or even if it is crap.

Anyway...on with the story!

FULL STORY HERE ------> Leaking Creativity

Elusive Desire


Sweet nothingness.

A smile crept across Caelix’s face as his ship emptied out of the hangar into the cold vast space before him. He took a second to breathe in deeply, closing his eyes and savoring the silence. He hated the noise and busy nature of the stations. The pure silence of space was his refuge. He craved it even. The doctors had claimed he was insane. He had killed them.

As the docking procedures finished, Caelix used his mind to punch in the coordinates of his destination into the navigational computer. He was able to control everything, despite the inside of his pod being so smooth. It was a marvel and a curse. The vigorous hum of the warp drives spinning up brought him some comfort as another devilish smile crossed his lips.

It’s payday.

There were few stations that would harbor him anymore, and fewer still that would allow him to use much more than the hangar for simple repairs. It was a shame he had to blow this one up. Mercenary life had its perks though. Caelix saw the explosions rip through the station’s core levels and fracture the structure in a hundred places just as his ship, Miasma, leaped into warp, leaving hundreds, if not thousands, to die.

They don’t know how lucky they are.

It happened every time Caelix killed. He was angry and jealous; it was an almost infinite hatred for those he murdered. He wanted what he gave them. Nothingness. He wanted an end. Instead, every time he died, he would just wake up in another location, naked and angry. It wasn’t even partially due to the pain involved with re-integrating his retinue of implants; No, that was simply a minor inconvenience, but the simple fact that he could never truly die caused his rage to boil and fester ceaselessly. He thought that, perhaps, if he were to bring enough people to that sweet Nothingness, he would be granted a true death, that he himself would somehow receive that nothingness.

It was only a few short seconds in warp until Caelix dropped out just shy of the jump gate. As he prepared to command the ship to jump through, he saw the familiar flashing icon of his financials on his ship’s display. He quickly checked the amount and proceeded with the gate, making a mental note that he was shorted several hundred million kredits.

Does he take me for a fool?!

As the gate jump finished, Caelix opened communications with his contact. He did not enjoy being slighted. His hands began to shake with agitation.

The man on the other end of the conversation, while appearing composed visually on screen, sounded terrified as he answered. “Y…Yes?”

Caelix’s voice, though robotic in sound due to speaking through the ship, dripped with venom. It was cold and merciless. “You’re voice betrays you. You have broken our contract. You and everyone you hold dear will pay for your insolence.”

“It...It...I...It was an honest mistake,” the man squeaked, his composed expression shifting into that of a panicked animal. “I’ll send the rest right away, just please leave my family out of this!”

The familiar flash of the Caelix’s financials lit up again, this time showing far more than what he had originally been told he would receive. It made no difference.

“Generous, but foolish. You’ve only made your killer richer.” He watched the eyes of his next victim bulge in terror. “See you soon, Governor.”

“No! Wait! I..”

Caelix cut the communications short and began reeling up his warp drives once again. His hands still shook violently from the slight.

There is nowhere to hide, Governor, but please do run. It makes it so much more enjoyable.

This kill would be tricky, but nothing he couldn’t handle. The locals didn’t call him the Dread Specter for nothing. He crossed through several sectors of space before finally arriving at a station just a handful of jumps away from his target. He needed to prepare his gear and switch ships.

He never truly liked the name, Dread Specter, which the various peoples of the galaxy had given him, but it struck fear into their hearts, so he allowed it to remain. He had heard rumors that it was given to him after his assassination of the last CEO of a major corporation in Caldari space, but he had also heard that it was given to him after his feats of sabotage during the War of Gales. It mattered little, he supposed, but he found it amusing none-the-less.

Caelix was a name he had taken for himself after his first assignment. It had been his first target’s name, but afterwards he had used it as a means to receive the funds being transferred for his service. Like the name Dread Specter, it held no meaning to him, but it served a purpose.
Caelestina
0.0 Massive Dynamic
Pandemic Horde
#2 - 2013-10-29 16:42:18 UTC  |  Edited by: Caelestina
Long ago he had attempted to discover his origin, and his real name, but his search was almost fruitless until he stumbled across a lead in an outlying system. A handful of medical documents and a few dozen murders later, he learned that he was never truly born and that he was part of some program called Genesis. The program was hidden from the major powers of the galaxy at the time, though it didn’t stay hidden for long. Capsuleers, they called them, eventually. He was part of the initial program, created in a lab, and unable to die. He was no one and the discovery had sent his mental state spiraling.

Caelix stepped off the loading ramp of his ship onto the deck of the hangar bay, his mostly naked body feeling alien outside of his pod. Stations were always so strangely warm. Even the metal floor beneath his bare feet felt hot. His head began to pound as the myriad of reverberations from the station’s various systems and passing ships hit him like a hammer. He groaned and hurried off the deck, eager to get inside to less noise.

His captain’s quarters were just as he had left them when he had procured them from their former owner. The poor pilot’s blood stain still lingered on the wall. Caelix smirked at the sight.

The fool thought he could fight me. He had gall at least.

He turned his attention back toward the armory, which housed several sets of his modified equipment and the computer system capable of outfitting his ship for him. He selected his favored ship from the list and went about configuring the turrets and bays, allowing for the most speed and stealth he could get without sacrificing durability. There was no need for extreme firepower. Not this time.

Once the configuration was finished, Caelix turned to his modified equipment and took a small cloaking device that he had had re-engineered to work on his person, rather than a ship. He had murdered the man who made it for him the instant it had been completed and tested. It was one of a kind. His lips curled into an almost fond smile as he recalled the memory.

A messy kill, but I could see the Nothingness in his eyes as life slipped from him. Lucky bastard.

Hearing the notification that his ship outfitting had been completed by the dock systems, Caelix turned from his armory and headed toward the deck, affixing the cloaking device around his neck like jewelry. As he approached the deck, he stood back, inspecting and admiring the ship briefly.

It was an older styled interceptor class with an overhauled interface and warp core. He had had it coated a deep crimson and reinforced with newer metals, as well as had advanced cloaking modules installed. It was a ship in a class all of its own, and it was nearly invisible to everything. It was his Demon. His most prized ship. The ship he hoped to find that sweet Nothingness in.

Maybe this time.

Pleased with what he saw, Caelix hurried back to the armory to gather the rest of what he would need. He grabbed several viciously curved combat knives and a set of sleek crimson clothing. Guns would be too loud. He was going to have to do this the fun way.

The thought of seeing the Nothingness in the Governors eyes excited him. He hurried back to his ship and secured his equipment in the bay with his pod. Caelix settled into the capsule and let the ectoplasmic liquid surround him once more.

Now, let’s find out where our little coward is hiding.

He opened communications with a locater agent within the station, masking his image with that of what locals had come to know as Dread Spector. Several moments passed before the link was established. A rather portly man appeared; his hair was a mess and the stain of lipstick could be seen dotting his face and neck. His voice was gruff.

“This had better be good, those girls aren’t chea…oh, Dread…” His voice faltered a bit as he turned his face to the communications. He cleared his throat before continuing, attempting to appear professional. “How might I assist you today?”

Amusing.

“I need to find the Governor of Rax Prime. Do it fast enough and I may even buy you a few more hours with those girls of yours”

The agent seemed to brighten at that. “R…Right away! Give me just a moment.”

Simple minded fool.

Dread undocked Demon and began testing its maneuverability while awaiting a response. The sleek ship turned and twisted, sometimes before he even thought about it. It was part of him. It reacted the same way his body would to any situation, almost instantly.

As he completed a series of evasive maneuvers, the portly man reappeared with a cheerful grin. “I’ve found him! He’s less than ten jumps from you. Hiding in an abandoned medical facility, or at least the records say it was abandoned. There should be little to no security at the actual facility itself. I’m sending you the coordinates now.”

Dread transferred a large sum of kredits and closed the communications once he had confirmed the coordinates. He had given the agent three times his normal price.

Perhaps the girls will give him a heart attack before I return to kill him myself.

He chuckled at the thought. With the money he had just given the agent, the prostitutes might even kill the man themselves. Greed was a powerful tool in New Eden, even more so in these parts of space.

Demon aligned to the destination stargate and began accelerating, jumping into warp within seconds. The sheer speed of the ship brought Dread within a single jump of his target in mere moments. He sent Demon through a combination of spins and rolls once more and then dove through the gate.

Let’s see what the fool bought to protect him.
Caelestina
0.0 Massive Dynamic
Pandemic Horde
#3 - 2013-10-29 16:44:15 UTC  |  Edited by: Caelestina
The instant Demon dropped out of the gate tunnel, Dread initiated the ship’s cloaking. His scanner showed a small army of battleships and cruisers, likely all huddled around the medical facility. He smirked.

Only forty?

He aligned Demon to the facility and warped to a position a hundred kilometers off the target, re-cloaking himself as he warped. He hacked into the communications lines and listened in on the fleet chatter.

“Captain, I saw something on the scanner, but it’s gone now.”

“Can anyone confirm?”

Several seconds passed in silence until the captain spoke up once more.

“We have to assume it was our target. Keep your eyes peeled. Deploy your drones. Engage target at will.”

Too easy.

Dread closed the communications and sent Demon speeding toward the facility at maximum velocity, closing in on the fleet at frightening speed. A terrible smile spread across his face as he passed the ships unnoticed, weaving in and out of their orbit patterns and various drones.

He checked his cargohold as he landed Demon at the facility. Everything was in order. He left his capsule and got dressed in the sleek combat clothing, attaching the vicious knives to his belt, legs, and chest. Dread adjusted the cloaking device on his neck once more before activating it and leaving his ship.

The hunt begins.


That's all I have so far! Let me know what you think!

Fly Safe! 07
Random McNally
Stay Frosty.
A Band Apart.
#4 - 2013-10-29 17:27:07 UTC
Excellent beginning! Why are you stopping??!!

Write MOAR!! (holy crap, I didnt just earn his ire, did I?)

Very good start, seriously. Don't be shy!

Host of High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/

Space music http://minddivided.com

I G Channel HighDragChat

Broadcast4Reps

Oxinean
Deep Core Mining Inc.
Caldari State
#5 - 2013-10-29 21:09:39 UTC
Glad I harassed you enough to write :) great so far bud. Pretty awesome that Random posted on this as I was listening to high drag when they were talking about the contest and told you about it haha. We do need more though!!!
Random McNally
Stay Frosty.
A Band Apart.
#6 - 2013-10-29 22:13:06 UTC
yes...MOAR!!

(whipcrack)

*still looking for that #2 pencil*

Host of High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/

Space music http://minddivided.com

I G Channel HighDragChat

Broadcast4Reps

Seraph Essael
Air
The Initiative.
#7 - 2013-10-30 00:18:58 UTC
Very enjoyable. Gief moar naow please?

Onto a criticism though (constructive mind you): I dont think I've ever see the word 'he' used so many times Shocked You need to try and break it up a little, nearly every other sentence had 'he' in it. A way to perhaps break it up would be to introduce the use of his name, callsign or what other people call him.

It is very good though and awesome to have more competition too Big smile

Quoted from Doc Fury: "Concerned citizens: Doc seldom plays EVE on the weekends during spring and summer, so you will always be on your own for a couple days a week. Doc spends that time collecting kittens for the on-going sacrifices, engaging in reckless outdoor activities, and speaking in the 3rd person."

Caelestina
0.0 Massive Dynamic
Pandemic Horde
#8 - 2013-10-30 01:11:21 UTC
Glad you guys enjoyed it!


@Seraph - Thank you for the criticism! I didn't really notice it until I read your post and read back through. I'll look into altering it a bit. The problem is that I introduced his "name", but it is later down the line, and up until then it's either Capsuleer or "he". Not sure what else I could throw in there in the mean time until his "name" is revealed. Any ideas?
Seraph Essael
Air
The Initiative.
#9 - 2013-10-30 01:36:07 UTC
Caelestina wrote:
Glad you guys enjoyed it!


@Seraph - Thank you for the criticism! I didn't really notice it until I read your post and read back through. I'll look into altering it a bit. The problem is that I introduced his "name", but it is later down the line, and up until then it's either Capsuleer or "he". Not sure what else I could throw in there in the mean time until his "name" is revealed. Any ideas?


Haha yeah I noticed. In fact before I wrote my post I actually checked just in case you had introduced his name earlier. Unfortunately I don't know what to suggest if you dont want his name being said earlier with it being written into the story to be said at a specific point

I kinda feel bad criticising and not being able to give a difinitive solution, but you can always do that same and call it even haha just kidding Big smile

Quoted from Doc Fury: "Concerned citizens: Doc seldom plays EVE on the weekends during spring and summer, so you will always be on your own for a couple days a week. Doc spends that time collecting kittens for the on-going sacrifices, engaging in reckless outdoor activities, and speaking in the 3rd person."

Random McNally
Stay Frosty.
A Band Apart.
#10 - 2013-10-30 01:53:20 UTC
Perhaps rotating "Dread" (shortened version) and "the Mercenary".

Since this is a "solo" person, you could probably add "the killer" or such....

Just some ideas.

Host of High Drag Podcast. http://highdrag.wordpress.com/

Space music http://minddivided.com

I G Channel HighDragChat

Broadcast4Reps

Caelestina
0.0 Massive Dynamic
Pandemic Horde
#11 - 2013-10-30 02:02:23 UTC  |  Edited by: Caelestina
Seraph Essael wrote:
Caelestina wrote:
Glad you guys enjoyed it!


@Seraph - Thank you for the criticism! I didn't really notice it until I read your post and read back through. I'll look into altering it a bit. The problem is that I introduced his "name", but it is later down the line, and up until then it's either Capsuleer or "he". Not sure what else I could throw in there in the mean time until his "name" is revealed. Any ideas?


Haha yeah I noticed. In fact before I wrote my post I actually checked just in case you had introduced his name earlier. Unfortunately I don't know what to suggest if you dont want his name being said earlier with it being written into the story to be said at a specific point

I kinda feel bad criticising and not being able to give a difinitive solution, but you can always do that same and call it even haha just kidding Big smile


Lol. I'll play around with the story a little at work tomorrow and see if I can't come up with a creative way to fix it.

I usually write fantasy (dragons and magic, etc) with a dozen or so characters, so the "he" thing doesn't really ever come up since I'm switching names and descriptions several times.

Either way, I still much appreciate the feedback!

@Random - That may actually end up being what I do. The trick will be to stick those in where it doesn't make the sentence sound "too heavy" with words...if that makes any sense XD Thank you for the tips/feedback! Much appeciated!
LordSwift
Wrabble Wrousers
#12 - 2013-10-30 15:14:53 UTC  |  Edited by: LordSwift
Good Story i will subscribe to this thread and see where it leads. My only one Gripe is

Quote:
As the docking procedures finished, he began punching in the coordinates of his destination into the navigational computer to his left. The vigorous hum of the warp drives spinning up also brought him some comfort and another devilish smile crossed his lips.


I assume the main character is a pod pilot. unless i read it wrong. We think where we are going and tell the ship where to go with our minds. We plot where we are going and everything else this way. The inside of the pod is smooth and just filled with goo. :)

thats all good work otherwise

Mal: "If anyone gets nosy, just...you know... shoot 'em. "

Zoe: "Shoot 'em?"

Mal: "Politely."

Caelestina
0.0 Massive Dynamic
Pandemic Horde
#13 - 2013-10-30 15:20:28 UTC
LordSwift wrote:
Good Story i will subscribe to this thread and see where it leads. My only one Gripe is

Quote:
As the docking procedures finished, he began punching in the coordinates of his destination into the navigational computer to his left. The vigorous hum of the warp drives spinning up also brought him some comfort and another devilish smile crossed his lips.


I assume the main character is a pod pilot. unless i read it wrong. We think where we are going and tell the ship where to go with our minds. We plot where we are going and everything else this way. The inside of the pod is smooth and just filled with goo. :)

thats all good work otherwise



Thanks for the feedback! Yeah, I just read through how that stuff works and am actually in the process of fixing it right now while I'm at work. :D

Should have revised parts up shortly, then hopefully have some stuff to add later today


Caelestina
0.0 Massive Dynamic
Pandemic Horde
#14 - 2013-10-30 16:14:07 UTC
Replaced the original with the revised version above!

Let me know if that's better or worse!


I still have a LOT of room left to finish the story, so I have more wiggle room for improvements on the beginning if need be.

Cheers! Big smile
LordSwift
Wrabble Wrousers
#15 - 2013-10-31 12:57:34 UTC
Liking the update. interested in seeing how this goes, it seems this capsuleer is not in control of his clone contracts. Because if he was and wanted to die permanently then all he would need to do is not have any clones to go to when his pod dies.
Interested in who is turning his wheels.
If you havent this is a good read https://wiki.eveonline.com/en/wiki/Pod

Mal: "If anyone gets nosy, just...you know... shoot 'em. "

Zoe: "Shoot 'em?"

Mal: "Politely."

Seraph Essael
Air
The Initiative.
#16 - 2013-10-31 14:58:39 UTC
Caelestina wrote:
Replaced the original with the revised version above!

Let me know if that's better or worse!


I still have a LOT of room left to finish the story, so I have more wiggle room for improvements on the beginning if need be.

Cheers! Big smile


Seems to flow a lot better than it did before. Grats!

Will be good to see the rest of the story when its done.

Quoted from Doc Fury: "Concerned citizens: Doc seldom plays EVE on the weekends during spring and summer, so you will always be on your own for a couple days a week. Doc spends that time collecting kittens for the on-going sacrifices, engaging in reckless outdoor activities, and speaking in the 3rd person."

Caelestina
0.0 Massive Dynamic
Pandemic Horde
#17 - 2013-11-01 18:04:56 UTC  |  Edited by: Caelestina
Thanks guys!


Updated and added a bit on today! Still needs a bit of refining on the new part, but I figured I'd throw it up there anyway.


Should have more written this weekend while I'm out of town!


Cheers!
Caelestina
0.0 Massive Dynamic
Pandemic Horde
#18 - 2013-11-05 19:52:58 UTC
Finished the story today and added a link to the final product.


Note: The structure got a bit wonky on me when I copied it over from Microsoft Word, so the indents might be a tad off, but oh well.


Enjoy!

And let me know what you think!
Seraph Essael
Air
The Initiative.
#19 - 2013-11-05 22:49:49 UTC
You can rest easy knowing all the indent seemed to work okayish P It seems to read all right and structure is broken up into readable paragraphs so not to worry...

Thoroughly enjoyed the finished piece Smile

Quoted from Doc Fury: "Concerned citizens: Doc seldom plays EVE on the weekends during spring and summer, so you will always be on your own for a couple days a week. Doc spends that time collecting kittens for the on-going sacrifices, engaging in reckless outdoor activities, and speaking in the 3rd person."

Caelestina
0.0 Massive Dynamic
Pandemic Horde
#20 - 2013-11-05 23:27:48 UTC
Good to hear! Thanks!Big smile
12Next page